A beginners Journal

Thanks for the support everybody!!
It's funny, reading my post I seem to be giving the impression I'm really suffering, and I am suffering. But, compared to year ago, I'm doing great! I think part of the problem is that although my worst days today are a lot better then my worst days a year ago, I've had days so good I wouldn't have thought they were possible. My expectations have risen, which I think I need to keep in mind. My overall suffering is much less, my situation has stayed about the same, but I experience less suffering. Same pain, less suffering, more happiness. I owe a lot of that to this forum, so thanks again everyone.
Owen,
Glad your toe is on the mend, jealous about the flip flops!
I'll give your suggestion a try.

It's so great to read this! Much metta, Rev!

Thanks Rob, ditto!
Thinking about my post 325, I think one of my weaknesses with regards to mindfulness in general is that I lose the big picture. I try so hard to focus on now, that it's easy for me to forget this is a marathon, not a sprint. Or how far I've already come. I want to be enlightened, now. Apparently sudden enlightenment does happen occasionally, but not to me...yet.
Focusing on now sometimes gets me embedded in the sensation at centre stage. I had a headache yesterday and today, and because it was centre stage the past two days, we spent a lot of, unpleasant, hours together. This really coloured my view of the days as well, and not for the better. Not sure how to move away from focusing on that sort of thing, or if I should. Do I make friends with it? Give a funny name? I guess it's not the focus on the sensation, it's the aversion to the situation as it is. Something to experiment with.

Feel like I need to just simplify things, I may be trying to accomplish too much at once. I keep reading about amazing post 4th practices that sound great, and I think I'm trying to incorporate these things into my experience, or expect to have the same experiences as much more advanced yogis. I suspect I know just enough to be dangerous, and get myself off track. I'm not always good with simple instructions, I keep trying to multi-task my way to enlightenment. lol.
Back to basics!

Hi Rev, I think the real value for us of the 4 pathers reports will be when we come there ourselves.
Now I read and it is interesting. But I don't understand really.
4th seems to be a place to make choices in. And then these posts will be there for re-reading and helping. I see forward to it!

It's worth trying to overreach your current level from time to time, obviously. And the 4th path reports are really motivating, especially, once you have a path, you have a bit of context now to understand them.

It really hit me at second path (actually, just a little before) that sometimes, these skills just kind of Appear one day. First, Ships-in-the-Harbour Mahamudra and, later, the Witness, meant nothing to me one day, and then made total sense the next. I've gained a valuable bit of trust that these things will come in time- and that trust may itself be a skill that just comes in its time.

These days, I am really starting to lose faith in cause-and-effect as a purely one-directional linear process! Effects cause their causes.... and vice-versa... so it's hard to know what happens because I made it happen, and what else... just happens.

PEJN, Rob,
Thanks, good points both!
I think what I'm doing is holding up the experience of others as my goal, instead of enjoying the perfection already all around me. I can derive a ridiculous amount of pleasantness and peace from being with my breath a few moments, such a simple thing. But, I'm trying to figure out 7th stage, and being disappointed and frustrated that I can't.
I know exactly what you mean about things just being available one day, I just need to be patient and wait for them. In the mean time I can be very happy and peaceful. Or, I can grind my teeth, be miserable and probably slow down my progress. This is why I was always bad at math in school, I didn't bother with all the middle steps in a calculation, I'd just do them in my head and rush to the answer, unfortunately not the correct answer.
Sometimes I swear I'm a complete maroon HaHa!

This am, up early to watch the Tour online(go Ryder!!) focused on the breath in the entire body, and perhaps in 1st jhana. A very pleasant tingling over the entire body, mostly the scalp and shoulders, very relaxed and warm. I almost feel like I'm being hugged, slight pressure everywhere. Concentration is great right now, just staying with the breath/body is easy and very pleasant. I wish I could maintain this level of concentration throughout the day but it always seems to fade.
This practice is so simple, yet I keep trying to complicate it. I need to keep giving up the idea "I" know what is best, surrender to what is right now, and be happy. So simple, so difficult, for a guy like me. lol

edit: Noticing that this moment is so utterly pleasant I really don't care about getting 2nd path, right now is enough.

2X45 this am. Feeling good!
Experiencing the same thing as a week ago, gave up, surrendered, free, no dog. It seems easy again today. I'm hoping that I can come back to this on a more regular basis, until it becomes the norm.
I've been noticing that what keeps me from peace and happiness is just falling back into habitual behaviors. When I'm tired it's easy to lose mindfulness, then the mind starts to do what it has always done, and that's the start of the down hill slide. What have "I" always done? Tried to control things so that they happen the way I want, I don't accept what is. Once the mind starts to slide, it's very difficult to stop it. If I maintain mindfulness then my present experience is very pleasant. The trick may be to figure out how to maintain this during the week, when I'm tired/working. Keep it up until it becomes what my mind does naturally, the new normal.
edit: Now accepting tips to accomplish this, Thanks!

"Now accepting tips to accomplish this, Thanks!
-RevElev"

Sometimes the tiredness of the mind can be used to our advantage. If you maintain a consistent noting practise during the day, in the evening the mind can be so tired and fed up with everything that just slightly leaning towards emptiness will make it raise up hands in surrender

Antero,
That sounds like a great tip, Thank You!
Today everything seems very impersonal. My thoughts and emotions don't seem to have anything to do with "me". Just like the weather. "I" can just take the day off and everything will get done. Put down all the pressure and stress. I'm not a psychopath so if I just chill out and relax nothing horrible will happen. lol I'll still do the dishes, go to work, but why worry about it, just let it happen, stop pushing.
Noticing tingling and itching on the top of my head as I write this, that's interesting. Feeling a little spaced out.
Meditation has been good lately, seem to move up to equanimity pretty regularly, the only difference seems to be how long it takes to work through the dukkha nanas. This morning experienced a very still Eq, open and silent, more so then I have before.

Sunday evening I felt like something changed shortly after meditating. I didn't notice anything unusuall while sitting, but felt a difference afterwards. Difficult to describe but, I felt "freer", more peaceful with what is, less at odds with my immediate experience. I decided to take some time and see what became of this change. Some of what follows is quoted from my journal.
Monday morning, up at 5 for work. I felt better then the night before, physically lighter, like I'd shrugged off a weight, or a lot of muscle tension was released. Felt excited while sitting before work, a lot of thoughts popping up and disappearing, like an excited little kid that won't stop talking. My day was great, none of the usual Monday blahs from being at work. Some of the usual judgmental thoughts about co-workers arose, but didn't go anywhere. It was as though there was no one to carry the thought along, or no fuel to feed the fire.

Tuesday am, concentration through the roof. Very easy to stay with the breath/body, and it's Very pleasant. Wonderful tingling all over the skin. Noticed the last couple days and today, seem somewhat detached/dispassionate. No idea why, feel peaceful and happy, but no passion or drive(emotionally). That's not exactly the best description but not sure how to put it any better.(this has remained) I had more energy(physical) yesterday then I have in weeks. My around the house "to do list" has been growing for weeks, I did nothing on the long weekend to shorten it. Yesterday after work I crossed off items and am itching to get at it this morning.
Peaceful, happy, energized.
Wednesday, This am, staying with the breath, it feels like thought and self pause. It almost feels like a super power, I can disappear. The sense of an "I" being present comes and goes, not even close to being solid. Spending any real effort to focus on the breath and I begin to experience pressure on the sides of my head(above and behind the temples). Looking for the sense of "I", all that is present is a sense of openness, stillness, peace, and happiness. I instantly begin to smile, this is always there and has been since Sunday evening.

Today, Well I don't know what this change is. It feels like a slight change in perspective, like I'm standing on my tip-toes and everything looks just a little different. Formal sitting isn't hugely different. I seem to bounce between a lot of thoughts and almost complete silence, back and forth for 45 minutes. The feeling of dispassion is still here, I'm just not as emotionally involved with everything as I was. I listened to Kenneth's talk on Realization and Development(I think that was it) this am, maybe this is just being awake in the moment? Maybe this is a step forward on the map. It definitely feels like I've surrendered/given up, much less pressure/stress/tension. Just being present is making a huge difference. And right now it's easy to be present. I don't know.

Circumstances have allowed me to experience a fair amount of emotional suffering over the past several days. I've been more mindful, less reactive then usual, which isn't saying much, but any improvement is appreciated. Sitting this afternoon watching the rain and my "self" I saw very clearly that I was not actually completely present in the moment. Part of me was, but I was multi-tasking and part of me was grasping onto suffering. I could feel something not quite right, and have before, but have never seen what it was. It feels like an artificially created distance between "me" and experience. I like to think I'm with the "flow" of existence, I have not been. I saw clearly that I have been grasping, and onto suffering no less! Dumbass! at least cling to pleasure!!
Once I noticed this I felt an immediate relaxation and release. Feeling very light right now.

Sitting: I'm not terribly motivated to sit right now. A little while ago I was sitting for about an hour, I didn't feel "done" after 45 minutes. Now I'm finding I'm only sitting for about 30 minutes. The difference between formal practice and my walking around mind has decreased a lot, so why just sit there when I can go about my life and feel the same?Also, the push to practice is almost gone, I'm just relaxing into this now. The pressure that I often feel ,moving about my head when I sit...gone.
Which brings me to my daily life, Very mellow. I feel kind of bad, I've been pushing like hell for so long and now I'm not. I'm slightly anxious that I'll lose what little progress I may have made. I had some kind of change in mid-late June in which I really gave up, surrendered, let go. It would come and go, really relaxed for a couple days, then up tight, back and forth on a 3~ day cycle. Now it seems to have become the norm, it doesn't feel as dramatic as it did initially but I've changed a lot. Stress or tension is felt as a disconnect from the body. If my awareness isn't present in my entire body it is due to stress/tension. If I relax and give up, my awareness returns. When not with the body I feel rather uncomfortable, like something is wrong that I need to fix, this can prolong the process because I then start to try to "do" something to deal with the unpleasantness. This seems to be happening less often, and for shorter periods.
Not perfect but closer then any time in my life.

Reading up on the third gear stuff over there on the left yesterday I was quite surprised that I seem to be doing some of it without knowing it. Cooooolll!!

Nice!

Originally posted by Kenneth:
Peace only happens moment by moment. Be skeptical of attainments that ask you to forever postpone your awakening into some imagined future. If you have peace in this moment, you have already accomplished your goal. Peace is the same as awakeness. So, a peaceful moment is an awakened moment; it's a manifestation of buddha nature. By seeing clearly in this moment, by opening to this moment of awakeness, you are conditioning another wakeful moment in the future. It doesn't get any better than this; there is no better way to condition future awakeness than by being awake now. You are doing this for your own benefit as well as for the benefit of all sentient beings. It's good enough. It's better than good enough; it's perfect. This is the best practice you can do.

Find a practice that inspires you and do it. If it works, keep doing it. If it doesn't work, find something else. No one can do this for you. No amount of speculation can bring you peace. Hold ideas lightly; they will change.

Peace is possible; this is not speculation. When you have the peace you seek, you will become less interested in what others say about which practice is better. If you are obsessing about which practice is better or which outcome is better, you are overlooking a precious opportunity. If you are arguing that your guru can beat up someone else's guru, you are foolishly missing your own opportunity to be free in this moment. Let it go. Find out in this moment what is true, what doesn't hurt, what is pure and untouched even as life storms on. Then you will have something truly worthwhile to say and you can set about the important business of helping others to be free as you are free. If you are free in this moment, speak from that place. If you are not free in this moment, remain silent. This is how you can best help yourself and others.

May you awaken in this lifetime.

The above was posted by Kenneth in the Buddhism/PCE thread. I've re-posted it so I can find it in the future. It speaks to Exactly where I am at the moment. I'm trying to figure out how to make it the background on my computer.
Thanks Kenneth!!

A great discussion with Dr. Jeffery Martin, well worth a listen. I believe Kenneth has been interviewed by him as a part of his study of about 1000 meditaters. This may also relate to the Buddhism/PCE thread:
www.buddhistgeeks.com/2011/07/bg-225-the...of-self-referencing/
This is part 2 of 2.

Still not sitting as much, but happier and more relaxed. Got about 3 hrs sleep last night(I need 8 hrs to function) and feel great. It's funny, because I'm absolutely miserable, but I'm just sitting back and watching all the ridiculous thoughts arise. I'm cranky, but just not picking up any of the thoughts.
This is a little extreme, usually I pick up the thoughts, then drop them once I realize what I'm doing. I prefer this way!
I'm basically just staying with the breath, when thoughts arise I release them and relax my mind, then back to the breath. This is on and off the cushion, easy effective and keeps me present/mindful. Increasing my focus on the breath and I begin to experience almost ridiculous amounts of pleasant physical/mental sensations.
This has become so easy and natural a practice that I'm worried I'm not doing any practice at all anymore. Isn't this supposed to be a struggle? Is it really this easy?

Still very relaxed about practice, actually focusing on relaxing. Re-reading The Anapanasati Sutta : A Practical Guide to Mindfulness of Breathing and Tranquil Wisdom Meditation by Ven. U Vimalaramsi
www.dhammasukha.org/Study/books.htm
My level of concentration seems to have increased as a result. The body seems to fade away at times while sitting. The 6R method has a built in "surrender/let go" aspect so it's working well for me. It immediately eliminates physical and mental contraction and tension, lovely.
I'm also re-evaluating my entire practice. I don't really see the value of the maps in my practice anymore. I actually feel like withdrawing and just living in this happy and peaceful way. I can be present and happy, watching all this arise and pass away, at almost anytime. Why am I "trying" to accomplish something? Who am I trying to impress? I'm more peaceful and joyous then I have ever been(and my life is a bit of a train wreck right now), why am I concerned with which path or nana I'm at? Why should I want to access some Jhana? I'm still doing my 2X45 minutes per day, but without a strong goal, other then to practice the 6R's.
Then I experience doubt, maybe I'm deluding myself, and I've lost everything(practice wise). But having watched this thought pop into existence and then just as quickly fade away, while I relax my mind and smile, I wonder if even that would be a problem. Everything is SO bloody different lately, I no longer want anything from this practice, I just do it, it's part of me now it seems.
Thanks to everyone who has helped me get here. Be Well!

My practice is the same as above, but it seems to be changing my daily experience. I'm no longer concerned about making progress, but simply being happy, which is becoming much easier. Emotions and thoughts are seen as sensations which I release, relaxing the tension around them, smiling and returning to the breath. The practice is the same on and off the cushion. I experience more stillness on the cushion, but my emotions no longer carry me away, even at work or when tired. I've noticed a subtle underlying tension which seems to be without cause(haven't found it yet). Currently I'm spending my sits just sitting with this and letting it relax within my awareness.
Things arise, I release them, relax, smile. That's it now.
I really appreciate the discussions going on here lately, very helpful and inspirational.
Thank you and be well!

Sitting: I'm experiencing a Lot of openness in my head, It feels like I'm just allowing "myself" to relax instead of holding myself tightly. I'm much larger then the edges of this body.
I've had a pretty significant change in my outlook recently(long term change) and thought I'd share that for anyone new who may wonder if all this has any effect in real life:
I've always been a people pleaser, especially those close to me. My mom died when I was 13 and I've struggled with depression and abandonment issues since. As a result I've allowed people to take advantage of me, people close to me, both friends and family. Lately, as a result of seeing reality clearly via meditation, I have begun to prevent others from using me. I've stood up to two people and explained clearly that their behaviour towards me would no longer be accepted. They could do what they want, but continuing the same way would result in my removing myself from their life. I no longer have contact with one of these people, it has been about 6 weeks. Interestingly, no anger did, or has, since arisen as a result of this situation.
These people have made a choice, as have I, and that's it, no anger in me at all. I don't think they meant to hurt me, they are just unaware of the effect their actions have. No reason to be angry, but I need to start taking care of me. No fear either, the abandonment issues would normally create crippling fear in me in this type of situation, and stop me from acting. Fear has arisen, but it's an object of attention, not me or mine. I don't want to sound cold about this, but this should have been done years ago, but I was unable.
This feels a little like a Really Large scale dark night. DN being the collapse of an old illusion of reality, and the re-adjustment to a new understanding. (cont.)