A beginners Journal

Feeling great this week, not sure why, or where I may be on a map. Great, off the cushion, awareness, almost constant. I'm finding I'm able to just release tension and feel good easily. Instead of strictly focusing on sensation, I'm pointing the mind to happiness and joy. I don't now if this is suggested, but I feel a lot happier as a result.
The last 2 days meditating has been slightly distracted and foggy. The open, still, clarity has somehow filled with fog, or cotton balls(?). The lightness in the visual field is gone, it's very dark. I'm also experiencing a lot of mental chatter while sitting. I actually seem more at peace in my daily life then meditating, which is a first. Friday, at work, I was able to maintain mindfulness better then most days when I'm at home. Another phase, but this one feels like a significant change in how I'm perceiving my daily life and how much happiness is present..
Again, don't no why, but life is very good right now.

"Instead of strictly focusing on sensation, I'm pointing the mind to happiness and joy. I don't now if this is suggested, but I feel a lot happier as a result."

I think that it's never wrong to point to happiness and joy, and it should be done whenever one has the ability! Kenneth said something once about how we need to practice overcoming the "negativitiy bias" that's rooted in our survival reflexes. When joy arises spontaneously, it should be grasped as an opportunity to do that! Enjoy!

I'm increasingly afraid to make snap "map" diagnoses, but say, for the sake of argument, that your baseline may be in A&P (i.e., feelin' good when out in the world) but your advance scouts are feeling out the rougher terrain beyond (i.e. getting foggy when practising formally). Beware the temptation (so strong, when things feel good!) to evaluate the "quality" of your sits, based on their ability to produce pleasant feeling. It sounds like your motivation and intention are 100% where they need to be, and the evolution is taking care of itself.

Good advice, again Rob!
I'm just happy and excited to be relaxing about this process. I was so uptight about it not that long ago (I was also uptight about everything else, but that's another story) I've taken my nose off the grind stone and am enjoying the scenery for a change. Just this change is making a big difference in my level of suffering/happiness, and is a result of practice.

I know exactly what you mean. To this day, the "change" in outlook seems permanent, even though there are still many peaks and valleys. Even though I went through a 4 or 5 month Dark Night after stream entry (and I'm sure there are more to look forward to!), I'd still rate it as the happiest I've been in my life to date. Everything is just set in a softer frame.

Had a fabulous morning yesterday, It felt like I could just keep my awareness completely in my body with no effort at all. And the more it was in the body the happier I felt, I actually laughed out loud three times for no real reason, just a great deal of happiness to be so aware of my body. That lasted about 3 1/2 hrs, then I sat... and back to normal or even worse level of awareness. LOL. Now I'm trying not to desperately scramble back to that state, which I don't seem able to do anyway. Again though, I'm really at ease with this situation, I new it was temporary, and maybe I'll get back to that happy place...or not. Either way is good.
This made me take a look at my meditation and I'm going to try a subtle change for a few days, at least, and see what happens. My awareness very quickly moves up into my head and stays with the pressure and visual field, I believe this is because when I first began I was trying to manipulate my eyes(crossing them) to get into Jhana's. I think I've just gotten used to it. I'm now trying to keep my awareness in my entire body more. I tried this morning and it went well. The pressure and discomfort in my head was much more subtle, at a point about 30 minutes in my awareness felt like it got sucked up into my head, specifically the top and back of the head. I was still aware of the entire body, just from inside my head. I'll stick with this and see if anything changes or not.

The effort to keep my awareness more in the body and out of the head seems to be a good one. The first sit with the new approach was awkward, seemed like I went to the opposite extreme and forced my awareness out of the head. It feels like I've found a natural balance. I'm now aware of moving through nanas(maybe) instead of just being overwhelmed by pressure and energy in my head.
Tonight, immediately felt tingling just below the surface of my skin. Which is weird for me, a lot of people around here talk about it, but I rarely experience vibrating/tingling. After 1-2 minutes had jaw tension, which lasted about 5 minutes. Then, 10~ minutes of discomfort(back) and some mental chatter. Then, the oh so pleasant stillness and silence I used to experience before my change in early March.This was accompanied by pressure in the forehead. It seemed like the mind took another step down from there though and became even more still, the pressure vanished. I stayed in this for a short time (3-5 minutes). Then the chatter started up again and the timer went off. 45 minutes.
In daily life it seems the only real source of stress is what I put on myself to maintain a constant awareness. Actually, I have several sources of stress(job, money, relationships. all the usual), but they don't have traction with me anymore they come into view and, as if on ice, they just slide right by. The last couple weeks have been great, with only my own self applied pressure as a source of lasting unpleasantness.

Sat twice today and had 2 odd experiences. The first was a tension in the middle of my head, about the size of a grape and the height of my upper lip and back as far as my ears. I noticed this slight tension after about 25 minutes of siting. I was feeling very still, and as often happens lately, my awareness got pulled up and into my head, that's when I noticed the tension. It's still there but seems to have moved further back in my head. It's about equivalant in intensity as a light fist feels to my hand. I also noticed/mentioned this the day I had my "reset"(or something) on May 7, #246.
The second experience this evening was a pull from the right front of my face. It felt like a "force/energy" was pulling my skin slightly away from my skull, almost like a face magnet. This lasted about 2-3 minutes then just faded, I'm still feeling some tingling on the right side of my face. After this I placed my attention on the slight tension in my skull and it almost felt like a dimmer switch, tension(which I hadn't noticed) drained out of my body and the visual field darkened slightly. I switched my attention back to my entire body, and everything went back to normal, a slight smile and tingling in the skin. Probably more imagination then anything, but thought I'd mention it.
Starting to get curious again about the maps, and where I may be. Everything seems really good, and has been for a while. A rough few days at the end of April and a couple beginning of May, but no obvious DN symptoms. I've experienced short bouts of irritability and generally feeling crappy(half a day), but nothing major. I'm glad to be feeling good, but I've kind of been waiting for the shoe to drop and get a kick in the ass and it just isn't coming. Oh well, I'm sure I'll be miserable soon enough, lol.

"I'm glad to be feeling good, but I've kind of been waiting for the shoe to drop and get a kick in the ass and it just isn't coming. Oh well, I'm sure I'll be miserable soon enough, lol."

Stop waiting for the bus to hit you! Ha!

Great descriptions, I know what you mean about the face pulling sensations and I'd usually associate this with being in DN territory and the way a smile creeps across your face happens for me as I move into early 11th ñana. If I could offer any advice it would be to make the most of this review period, don't make a mad dash for the next path, as you said before, just enjoy the scenery. You've done the hardest part by getting this far, everything else will fall into place if you maintain practice and stay curious about your experience.

Good luck mate!

Thanks for the encouragement Tommy!
"Don't make a mad dash for the next path" That ones tough for me, I'm very goal oriented, but recovering slowly.You mentioned this "review period" how can you/I/anyone tell review from new territory? I don't doubt this is review, just curious.

Frustrated, sad, irritable, angry, tired. Poor concentration, unable to focus on anything for more then a few seconds, off the cushion. Almost feels like I can't place my awareness on/in the body, like it's missing.
Meditating my concentration is still ok, worse then a week or two ago though. I've got a lot of pressure moving around in my head. Last night meditating had a lot of pressure and itchiness at the third eye area. My forehead was itchy for about an hour after I got up, lol. Back and top of the head also getting the feeling it needs to expand outwards. Noticing a constant tension in the body(when I can find it).
This is all unpleasant. but not very and not terribly upsetting. Feels like progress after a long time of feeling good, but inactive. Or not!?

Signs of progress? No doubt about it. Just keep going, good things are happening.

"You mentioned this "review period" how can you/I/anyone tell review from new territory? I don't doubt this is review, just curious." -RevElev

kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/page/The+...ight+%28Part+Five%29

Kenneth,
Thanks for the reply. That pretty much sums it up! I've been reviewing(I think) but have only had one experience which I may put forward as a fruition(post #246). Oh well, maybe I'm just missing them somehow?. The ramping up of concentration, peaking, then starting again is exactly what I have been experiencing. It feels like that's changed yesterday and today, but I'll see over a longer time frame.

I've mentioned the recent increase in pressure in my head. Well, it stopped, like flicking a switch. This am sit everything(awareness, pressure) just building up, hitting a silent point after about 30 minutes, sitting with the pressure in the forehead and back of my head. (That's normal for me lately). Then, it just stopped. No warning(that I noticed), 60-0 in the blink of an eye. This was after 35-40 minutes and was accompanied by a couple of waves of 'pleasure' moving up my body. Left me grinning like an idiot.
Just sat again after a short nap. Woke up feeling hyper-aware of my body, more focused and clear then I can ever remember. Felt very open and clear to start. After about 10 minutes, the same. And so on. No pressure ever built up in my head. I had thoughts popping up as usual. But I felt wide open and clear, no tension at all. I kinda poked around in my head, couldn't find any pressure. Weird! LOL
It's amazing how dynamic an activity sitting on my butt can be.

sounds great Rev!

Owen and Nik discussing insight and AF practice, like reasonable adults, so it's different then a lot these discussions:
thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2011/05/...chat-about.html#more

The pressure in my head is still very slight, nothing like it was before it "switched off" Sunday.
My sit this am was frustrating, felt like I never really settled at all. Thoughts kept popping up, and would follow them. The following of the thoughts was the frustrating part, "I know better then that, just let them go stupid" Feeling like I'm progressing too slowly(if at all). "I thought this was supposed to be easy after 1st?" "Relax Damn it!!" A lot of self doubt and agitation, irritability. Everything used to make sense, now not so much.
It's a little funny how bent out of shape I get over this. I know this is a hiccup/phase/stage/nana, or something. But, it can seem so real if I'm not mindful. I'm trying to stay aware of the body, which helps a lot. I'm finding really paying attention to each breath can create some very pleasant sensations. The brain seems a source of unpleasantness, the body of source of pleasantness, for now anyway. Hopefully that makes some sense. Mucho discombobulated!!

Sat down this am with the resolution to reach EQ. I think I did moved up trough AP and DN then opened up, with no fall back. So I think this is new territory, not review.
Even more interesting though is that I think I discovered what the source of the constant and subtle tension that I've been noticing is. "I" am constantly judging/assessing every sensation that arises. From there either craving or aversion arises. I've known intellectually that this was going on, but I actually "saw" it toady, which was pretty cool. Once I saw this it seemed like it paused, initially only for a second, but it paused, maybe 10 times, working up to a stretch of about 20 seconds. I felt very open and still, more so then ever before. During one of these pauses I had a blast of energy shoot up my body causing my head to whip back and forwards once. Is this judging and reacting to sensations what Kenneth refers to as self referencing?
Now I feel very relaxed, physically, but am slightly irritable.

Evening sit very similar to this am. No energy rush though. The "pauses" were fewer but lasted ~45-60 seconds. Irritable and noticing some physical tension now, sitting with it, releasing, relaxing. Meditating things seem good. Daily life, self doubt, frustration. My increased journaling is a result of this tension/anxiety, I'm feeling the need for some kind of resolution, and I'm, foolishly, look for it outside my own experience.

Hi Rev,

I just wanted to say thanks for writing this journal. I've read up until March so far, and there you describe stuff that's very similar to what I've experienced recently. It's really encouraging to know that there's someone a few steps further along the path. And congratulations on achieving your resolution so soon!

Best,
Andy

Andy,
Your welcome, I'm glad to hear someone finds my wild flailing about in the shallow end to be of some use. LOL.

My practice is feeling similar to what I experienced shortly before first path. I settle quickly, move through AP, then DN then seem to hang out in equanimity until the bell sounds. I had a burst of energy in my head this am, while sitting, mildly unpleasant due to the intensity. After I was much quieter then I had been before. AP is very subtle right now, as is DN. A slight charge, flashes in the visual field(AP). Chatter and images, sometimes slight back tension in DN. Then I'm suddenly dumped into stillness and silence, after about 15-20 minutes.
My pre-sit resolution is to reach Eq, quickly, then stay their until I surrender to second path. Still sitting 2X45 minutes /day. And on it goes.

Sounds like great work, Rev!

Thanks Meekan!
Odd sit this morning. Took a minute or two to settle, then the whole sit was very active in the visual field. Noticed almost constant snow(TV, black and white pixels) with occasional flashes, very similar to A&P but for the whole sit. The snow fluctuated in brightness, but was always brighter then usual. I usually don't have snow, just black visually.
The usual pressure in my head was almost completely gone, felt some at the back and top of the skull. Didn't really seem to move through nanas, it's been fairly clear how I've been moving through them lately, not so much today. Maybe just a weird one, I'll see later today, and tomorrow.

edit:My off cushion body awareness is excellent so far today, began immediately upon waking up. Some unpleasant personal sh!t yesterday, so could be messing with me.

"My pre-sit resolution is to reach Eq, quickly, then stay their until I surrender to second path. Still sitting 2X45 minutes /day. And on it goes." -RevElev

May a suggest a tweak? Try making a resolution to not manipulate your experience at all, but to just sit and ripen. This not only will deepen your current practice, it is a preview of later practice, when surrender becomes the key.

Thanks for documenting your progress so carefully, Rev; it's really a valuable resource for all of us.

Metta,

Kenneth