A beginners Journal

Thanks for the suggestion, I'll definitely make the tweak. I'm always torn between surrender and my "drive" to get it done. I want to do both, lol.
Thanks for the complement. I hope this can help others as much as the journals of other yogis,and your suggestions, have helped me.

Question:
I had a major bout of paranoia Saturday, at the time I thought I was being completely reasonable. Now it's clear I wasn't. It's almost like looking back at my actions when I've been drunk, can't believe what I did but it made perfect sense at the time. The other person involved also thinks I was acting Very unlike myself. Does this sound like a possible Dukkha nana symptom? If not I'm going to have to keep a close eye on my thought processes, they are not normal. It was serious enough I would consider seeking professional help if it happens again. No change in meds, or lifestyle, stress, etc. don't drink or do drugs.
If it's DN I can cope, I just wont make any major decisions for a while, I'm hoping it is, and I'm not going nuts..
edit:meditation wise I think I'm in DN, so this would make sense.

Could easily be a dark night symptom, Rev. I can't tell you how many times this kind of thing has happened to me. As you say, you learn to keep a close eye on your thought processes. See if you can spot the early warning signs and warn people around you that you are feeling a little crazy and ask them to be patient with you. Women who have experienced PMS know all about this, so it's good for us men to get a taste of inexplicable mood swings and perceptual skews.

Thanks for the quick response, I was thinking it was, but WOW, it really came out of left field and packed a wallop. PMS I think I can handle, complete mental breakdown, not so much.

All the best to you, Rev. I guess the key is to keep practicing!

"All the best to you, Rev. I guess the key is to keep practicing!"

Thanks!
I'm definitely going to keep practicing, I don't see that changing until I'm done 4th. It's funny because overall I feel good in my daily life, incredible mindfulness today. Oh well, just another sensation to notice and release(hhmmm catch and release, like fishing)

The DN is sneaky! It still creeps up on me sometimes.

Thanks for keeping such an awesome journal.

"Women who have experienced PMS know all about this, so it's good for us men to get a taste of inexplicable mood swings and perceptual skews. "

Or... it's good for us men to admit to, and get used to, the idea that we *do have* inexplicable mood swings and perceptual skews.

I suspect that one of the big differences between men and women in their initial appoach to meditation.

Where women try to come to grips with their lack of control, men (at first) use the practice to try to manipulate their minds and INCREASE their sense of control over a situation they are reluctant to admit they are in.

This flaw in the initial motivation sends us guys down many wrong paths before we really get moving, methinks.

(Sorry to hijack your thread for that editorial comment unrelated to your practice, Rev. This is something that's been on my mind lately!)

Ron,
Your welcome for the journal. Thanks for the awesome website!! You must be putting in some long hours, and it shows.
Rob,
No problem, hijack away! I'd have to agree with your suggestion we (men) try to control our experience in meditation. It's been a battle for me ever since I got some basic momentum going. I guess that's why Kenneth mentioned the need to surrender. I've also wondered if that may be why relatively few women seem drawn to "hardcore dharma". Specifically, the goal oriented drive to get it done seems very masculine and may be a turn off to women.
Practice wise, I think I'm full into DN. Physically feel headachey and generally blah, sore back/neck/shoulders, all for no apparent reason. Emotionally, I'm an @$ right now. If your having a bad day and everything seems to be going against you, just be thankful you don't live with me, it could be worse! Sitting, very poor concentration, getting drawn into thoughts almost constantly. But, Not really bothered by all this, except being an jerk to loved ones, becuase I know it's part of the process and will be over soon enough.

Edit:I think I may be experiencing direct mode while walking around the last two days. I remember Kenneth's video mentioning how things suddenly look fascinating and beautiful, that's happened several times. My mindfulness has been amazing this week, which seems odd to me with the above mentioned DN symptoms.

I'm getting a chuckle out of all this reference to women, seeing as I am one. I think your comment that women try to come to grips with their lack of control does very much apply to me, but I can't speak for other women. I was drawn to hardcore dharma b/c I hit the wall with myself a number of months ago and couldn't stand it any more.

Anyway--Rev, so sorry you're feeling rotten. I have the same symptoms a lot of the time but I call it fibromyalgia; I'm beginning to wonder what that particular diagnosis is and what it means, but more women than men are diagnosed with it. Maybe there's a correlation with DN and maybe not.

Sorry if it seems I'm lumping half the population into one uniform group. I've been wondering for a while why this approach to spirituality seems so much more attractive to men then women. I'm thinking it may be because, to a certain extent, it does away with "spirituality" and focuses on results. Which seems a more traditionally male modus operandi.

Yes, I probably over-generalized back there. At the moment, I'm thinking it's just a historical accident- the "hardcore dharma" movement, if you can call it that, began among a cluster of men, so that's the network it spread along. The name probably doesn't help matters. OTOH, my wife sees my practice and its map and goal focus as having a "male" character. I figure that women and men have been socialized into different ways of experiencing dukkha, though the dukkha is the same. But you could apply that to any of your favourite dualities... Asians vs. North Americans, Americans vs. Canadians, urban vs. rural, Beatles fans vs. Stones fans...

Who knows!

Sat then went for a walk. Sitting I found that I wound up, after about 35 minutes, feeling very quiet. Not sure if it's EQ or something else. I've noticed though that my awareness has changed dramatically since getting up from that sit. I've mentioned my awareness has been Very good the last few days. I now realize It has been focused on the body, a very tight focus that made it easy to ignore some of the things going on around me.
But now my awareness seems to have opened up a lot. Strangely I am most aware of sounds right now. I'm normally focused on visual sensations, but walking just now auditory sensations are taking centre stage, and they are very pleasant. I mentioned things looking fascinating walking to work(maybe direct mode) now it's the same with sound. The gravel under my feet, birds chirping, cars, wind rustling through leaves, even the sound my typing is making right now is very pleasant for some reason. Seems to be a lot of change going on right now, after a while when nothing much happened. Exciting and new(as sung in the Love Boat theme)!!

Sounds like a reasonable diagnosis - especially since you felt pretty bad as of late.

Hey guys, I wasn't offended, just intrigued and a little amused. There probably is something to what you're both saying, really. The discussion of PMS really gave me a laugh as well. Now we'll let Rev get back to his practice . . .

The pleasantness of my last post is gone. Blah, listless, unmotivated, frustrated. Oh Boy! That's me right now, lol!
Sitting, I'm lucky if I can manage 30 seconds before my mind runs off after a thought, like Homer Simpson after an ice cream truck. Oh well, it's all part of the path.
After Kenneth's comment about surrender I've been noticing how adversarial I am towards...a heck of a lot of things. I equate surrender with "not doing anything" or accepting a crappy situation and not improving it. I know it's not, but trying to get my head, and practice, around what it really means is surprisingly tough. I'm noticing that I'm constantly setting up "me vs. them/he/she" situations all day. And against some pretty ridiculous "thems". My computer for instance, the weather, traffic lights, people who don't even know me. This is causing a lot of unnecessary stress in my life that I'm noticing in my body. Maybe this is a more psychological problem then a meditation problem, but it's come up so I thought I'd mention it. Meditation wise though it puzzles me how much to push myself, and how much to just let my mind wander. Who knew surrendering would be so difficult?
Thanks to everyone for all your help along the way!

More unpleasantness today. This mornings sit I wound up crying after about 35 minutes, just stuck with as best I could. Nothing going on in my life for this level of sadness, so I'm assuming it's meditation related, possibly Dukkha Nanas. I didn't become overly wrapped up in the emotion though. It was more like watching sadness, instead of being sadness. Looking back it's kind of funny actually. This is a big change for me, a result, I believe, of stream entry.
[It's been over 3 months since my "change", which may have been Stream Entry. Based on my experiences and the comments and journals of other yogis, I'm fairly confident in now calling it Stream Entry. I may ,however, be completely wrong.]
This afternoons sit was more focused and much less sad. It felt like I was concentrated with some disruptions, instead of the other way around. Also felt like I may have dipped a toe into Eq.
I went for a walk this afternoon and slipped into what may have been direct mode several times again, it only lasted for 20-30 seconds before my mind would wander off. Practice is going well, it feels crappy, but I'm confident it's just a phase on the way to the end of suffering.
Right now feeling pretty mellow, a little spaced out.

Woke up feeling great today. Smiling and laughing was a nice change. My concentration is back while meditating, not in daily life though. I'm experiencing a lot of energy (pressure/vibrating) in my head, and tingling over my entire body. Reaching a point in which my thoughts just settle and I have a Lot of pressure localized in the front of my head, building to an uncomfortable level, then releasing.

Very similar to yesterday. Weak concentration in daily life, but pretty good on the cushion. Have some self doubt about whether this is even working, which is kind of funny. What if I haven't even made it to pre-path A&P? Also noticing I'm finding myself a little confused while sitting, it's like I forget how to meditate, or think I'm doing it wrong. OK I'm, just know, realizing the self doubt is a little bigger then I thought.
Back to basics: "Sit down, shut up, meditate!"

3X45m today. The unpleasantness seems to be increasing, so I'm trying to increase practice to push through it...while surrendering to it. Emotionally a bit of a wreck, irritable, quick to overreact, sad, regretful. Self doubt is at a record high. The feeling that I should just give up is Very strong, this is only making my life worse, increasing my suffering. Oh ya, I'm also very whiny!
While meditating, pretty blah. Eye focus changes, and I get some pressure in the head and light in the visual field. Overall though, I just sit there getting caught up in emotions and feel like I'm not accomplishing a damn thing. This is a sign of progress...right?
I'm not throwing in the towel, but bloody hell, enough already!

alohadharma.wordpress.com/2011/06/12/the-dark-night/

"As you can gather from the name, this is a pretty difficult part of the path. It is so difficult in fact, this is where most meditators get into trouble, and can become stuck. The sheer discomfort and negativity of this part of the path may lead the meditator to conclude that they are no longer 'doing it right,' and they may decide to just quit meditating. After all, why keep at it when it pretty much hurts to meditate? In the Zen tradition, this part of the path is called the 'rolling up of the mat' for just that reason '“ the meditator just wants to throw in the towel and stop."

Hey! That's me!! I'd like to "roll up the mat" and beat somebody with it. Kidding! Thanks mumuwu!
Focused on the breath at the nose today, it went really well. Perhaps at this point I need a smaller area to focus on. I had been taking my entire body as the object of my focus, but my mind seemed to wander with this broad focus. I've had light pressure in my third eye and temples for most of the day. Got through work feeling pretty good.
For some reason though I started wondering today if focusing on the breath like I was isn't just a way to avoid interacting with the world around me? A sort of distraction from reality, I felt a little "stuck in my own head" it was very pleasant at times, and my questioning may just be a result of where I am on the "map", but the thought came up several times that it was just avoidance. I think I might try taking a hint from Owens thread and use the breath to gain strong mindfulness then allow it to expand into the whole body. If I lose it, back to the breath for a while.
I realized today that I'm much more patient with practice then I was when I first started posting. Previously I would want to try every different method I heard about, even if it was way over my head. Now, I'm fine with keepin' on with what is working for me now, knowing I'll get to that stuff eventually. Though I must admit I'm a little jealous reading up on what some of the advance yogi's are up to these days, but I'm using it as motivation.
Edit: Everything seems further away today as well, visually speaking. Like looking down a tube or something.

Just did another 45 minutes and had a confusing experience. The sit was good, focused, and I've been trying to immediately let go of any judging thoughts(which nana is this?) or mental chatter. I clearly felt some tension early then a fair blast of energy and light after about 15 minutes. A couple of stabs in the back(sharp pain) and chatter in the mind. Pressure seemed to build up in my head through this stage. Then I had, what felt like a swirling and building pressure in the front 1/4 of my skull, then it just kind of melted away. I was immediately back where I started, I felt Exactly the same as when I first sat down, it was a deja vu thing. It felt as though the previous 30 minutes hadn't even happened. I got up early(before my bell) which I haven't done for a while
Now I'm energized, I was exhausted when I sat down, but I feel like I just had a good nap. I also feel really happy, stupid grin face. I've also got a slight pressure in the back of my head, near the top about the size of a golf ball. Huh?? See what happens tomorrow.

"I realized today that I'm much more patient with practice then I was when I first started posting. Previously I would want to try every different method I heard about, even if it was way over my head. Now, I'm fine with keepin' on with what is working for me now, knowing I'll get to that stuff eventually. Though I must admit I'm a little jealous reading up on what some of the advance yogi's are up to these days, but I'm using it as motivation." -RevElev

Nice, Rev. This kind of attitude 'll get 'er done.

Another 45, and basically the same experience as yesterday. Started out feeling calm, within 1-2 minutes had a couple of slight energy surges and some light flashes in the visual field. This was followed by some mental chatter, very little at first but increased as I sat.
While this chatter was going on I was able to see "in real time" how my attention feeds my thoughts. I could "see" my thoughts arise very clearly, up from nothing, and if I turned my attention away from them, they just disappeared. If I left my attention on them they grew. This seemed to be in slow motion. The only way I can describe it was I felt like I was on a slight rise in an open field and could see the thoughts slowly walking towards me. If I looked at them, they kept coming, if I looked away they disappeared, like ghosts that were never real to begin with. This is another one of those things I "knew" intellectually, but it's pretty wild to see it happen and really know how it works.
Eventually the chatter just seemed to naturally die down and energy seemed to build up in my entire body. It has been very localized in the head lately, but this seemed to be evenly spread out. It slowly built, then it just melted away again and I was back feeling the same as when I sat down. It felt like pulling the plug from a sink and draining the water, and the sink is the same as before you started filling it. I checked my timer and this took 25 minutes.
I wanted to see if it would happen again, but was interrupted by a phone call.(I've gotta start unplugging that damn thing when I sit!!). I quickly had the surge and flash, but the mental chatter was much greater then the first time around.
Not sure what this is, seems to be cycling...maybe. I don't think it's DN anymore though which is a welcome relief, whatever this turns out to be.Edit: Feel slightly energized again,and am in a good mood this am, though I didn't get enough sleep