A beginners Journal

Just recalled an experience I've had a few times. I'll be focusing on something(visually and mentally) such as reading, or drafting, and my eyes will just flip away uncontrollably for a moment. It feels like I just instantly shifted a millimeter to the left or right. Just a feeling of being very dis-oriented afterwards. This happened to me before I began meditating. Probably just an eye twitch or something, but thought I'd mention it.

Edit: I was going to tie this into something recent, but was interrupted. And, can't remember where I was going, lol.

Practice update:
-I'm reaching equanimity(maybe) sooner in my sits, about 25-30min into a 45 min sit.
-The sense of "I" is now regularly moving to the centre of my head from directly behind the eyes. Seems to take place while in equanimity.
-I find myself smiling through any unpleasant experiences(DN). They are still unpleasant but they really aren't troublesome anymore.
-The feeling of "I" seems to be still and silent, similar to the eye of a hurricane. Stillness surrounded by the hurricane of Brian. I'm becoming aware of this more often off the cushion.
-Being tired seems to be less of an obstacle to staying focused.
-I'm losing doubt that this is possible. If I continue my current practice I'll attain SE and eventually much more. Just a matter of when, not if.
Thanks to everyone for your advice and support.

Sounds great!
Looking forward to more!

Man rev - you need to re-title this journal. I'm not sure "beginner" really fits you anymore.

What you're describing is so familiar and thrilling, you're right there. There is this weird balancing act that one needs to do in High EQ, between staying intensely focused and present, and letting go in the deepest way. You are describing this dilemma so well. Please please please keep going!

teehee!

You can do it!

Nice, sounds like you're doing everything right. Just keep letting it "cook" and it'll pop.

One other tip that seemed to work for me, if you aren't already doing it: try keeping one of the 3Cs in the back of your mind (no-self was always easiest for me) when you're solidly in EQ. If it causes stress, then no worries, but exploring your moment-to-moment experience from one or more of the 3Cs is always good.

Great work, I've enjoyed reading your practice journal over the past several months!

Thanks everyone!
Missed meditating this week. Tuesday morning I got hit with, what I think was food poisoning, I wouldn't recommend it! No sitting Tue, Wed., and only 20 minutes yesterday, Just too physically drained. Feeling good again today and have done 75 minutes.
I found today that almost instantly(5-10 seconds) upon closing my eyes to meditate I had vibrating and light in my head. Opened my eyes and everything was normal. Closed them and in 1-2 seconds it was there again. I had energy moving around my head the whole sit. Really very pleasant. Towards the end of my sit(35-40 m) I had my eyes roll back in my head and kind of twitch around while experiencing some flashing in the visual field.
I'm finding myself to be almost completely content here and don't really have any desire to reach SE in a hurry like I used to. It will come but the way things are is fine!
Fine is the word I'd use to describe my entire life right now. I can enter and maintain an open awareness easily off the cushion, on the cushion it's the same but deeper. Nothing really bothers me much, I have the same concerns and problems but they're not sources of stress, just things that I'll deal with as best I can and then move on. I still want to sit, but I used to get stessed if I was interrupted 30m into a 45. Now, "it's fine" I just do it again. Feeling really great!

This sounds awesome! (not the food poisoning - the meditation)

Still "keepin' on", had some changes recently. I'm no longer having instant energy in my head. Sits are back to 'normal'. Had a few that seemed really boring, I seem to have the same sensations at the same time, every time. The "I wonder what'll happen next?" just isn't there anymore, because I know what'll happen next. This morning felt a little more fresh, but no real surprises, until the very end. I sat through my timer and it felt like the sense of "I" kind of slipped for a second. But before it was gone completely some part of me grabbed it again. I seem to have a fear of "I" disappearing, aversion. Throughout the day and on the cushion I reminding myself to "surrender to the process of enlightenment" hopefully this'll help loosen my grip.

"Still "keepin' on", had some changes recently. I'm no longer having instant energy in my head. Sits are back to 'normal'. Had a few that seemed really boring, I seem to have the same sensations at the same time, every time. The "I wonder what'll happen next?" just isn't there anymore, because I know what'll happen next. This morning felt a little more fresh, but no real surprises, until the very end. I sat through my timer and it felt like the sense of "I" kind of slipped for a second. But before it was gone completely some part of me grabbed it again. I seem to have a fear of "I" disappearing, aversion. Throughout the day and on the cushion I reminding myself to "surrender to the process of enlightenment" hopefully this'll help loosen my grip."

I am by far no expert, but it sounds like you're still on track!

"Sits are back to 'normal'. Had a few that seemed really boring"
Good signs if you ask me.

/Pejn

Having difficulty practicing lately. Seated it just seems tedious, like I've hit a wall, or plateaued... or something. It's the same thing over and over. Making it difficult to stay motivated, but still sitting 1 to 1 1/2 hrs/day. I seem to get to what might be Eq. then either lots of energy and buzzing/vibrating in the head, or just silence and stillness.
Very similar in daily practice, Maintain awareness, some days a lot some days a little, but it's just...blah. dull. I used to crave this like a drug, now I do it out of habit.
Oh well, just another phase or strata or what not.

Boring actually sounds like eq, no?
Haven't been there myself yet.

"Having difficulty practicing lately. Seated it just seems tedious, like I've hit a wall, or plateaued... or something. It's the same thing over and over. Making it difficult to stay motivated, but still sitting 1 to 1 1/2 hrs/day. I seem to get to what might be Eq. then either lots of energy and buzzing/vibrating in the head, or just silence and stillness.
Very similar in daily practice, Maintain awareness, some days a lot some days a little, but it's just...blah. dull. I used to crave this like a drug, now I do it out of habit.
Oh well, just another phase or strata or what not."

This might be a good time to give the mind something to do. Try contemplating what the term "not-self" means in your moment to moment experience. Don't force it, though, and when you feel stress in the mind and body, just turn your attention to that instead and let it drop. You can focus on the no-self characteristic by either:

a) Feeling how relaxed your body is. Continue to "drop" every point of tension (or the space around it or whatever is possible) and "know" by the fact that you're observing it that it's not you. Let this quietly soak into your consciousness.

b) Try to see how every sensation in the "center stage" of your experience there is a sense of "I" -- that there is this illusory sense of someone experiencing it that immediately disappears once it is known. Again, don't force it...just try it in a sort of relaxed manner.

Just some thoughts of what seemed to help me during equanimity. Eventually the "no-self" became, when I remembered to "know" it, a sort of automatic awareness that subtly broke down the illusion even while I was noting.

And if any of you advanced yogis have further thoughts/critiques on the above, by all means. This is just what seemed to help, from my current limited understanding ^_^

anonpathein,
Thanks for the advice, makes sense to try something new/different to jump start things a little. I'll give it a shot, hopefully it's the kick in the @ss that my practice, and I, need right now.

"anonpathein,
Thanks for the advice, makes sense to try something new/different to jump start things a little. I'll give it a shot, hopefully it's the kick in the @ss that my practice, and I, need right now."

No problem

Be sure to watch for the craving that might arise with switching things up, such as subtle desire for "something" to happen. What you're "looking for" is what you're "looking at" -- in the very sensations arising and passing at the moment. Something you likely know well, but I've found it helpful to be mindful of this tendency.

"Focus the mind on the present, not of thoughts about the past or dreams of the future" is a phrase (or some configuration thereof) I've found to be quite helpful for myself, recently. Something to think of or repeat every now and then when you find the mind wandering, as a gentle reminder to be attentive to the moment -- even if it involves thoughts of the past or dreams of the future.

Indeed, both will continue to happen as you well know, but no worries, just note/notice how even those are happening continuously in the moment, arising and passing away.

Best of luck and try not to "effort" too hard, it can be an unconscious source of stress.

Rev, do you think this all might be a path? After reading over your entries it sure sounds like it to me. The boredom and such could all be part of that.

Can you access jhanas? If you never have, try it and see if you can. If so, then see if you can jump around between them.

I'm really curious to see how this shakes out. Whatever it is, it's progress!

Ron,
No idea where I may be, unfortunately. I'm also unclear about the differences between the different jhanas, so I probably won't be able to tell if I'm jumping between them. My experiences so far only match up very slightly with descriptions I've read. I'd guess I only recognize 10-20% of any descriptions in my own experience, I don't consider that adequate to make a judgment. I'll do some re-reading and see what I think.
On that negative note, I'll give it a try and see what happens, I haven't before and I've got nothing to lose. I'm just going to keep up my same practice and try to enjoy the ride.
Thanks a lot for the feedback, and suggestion I may have reached SE. It puts some wind back in my sails!

" My experiences so far only match up very slightly with descriptions I've read. I'd guess I only recognize 10-20% of any descriptions in my own experience,"

I recognize that! But maybe we are the norm
and I really hope your progress is further along than you think!

Tried "inclining my mind to a jhana" this morning. I began by trying for 4th, I don't really know what 4th jhana is like, but within about 30 seconds I was having the experiences I usually have after 20-25 minutes of sitting. I've been trying to not manipulate my practice so this was very different for me. The sense of "I" was about 2/3 of the way back into my head instead of right at the eyes. I also had several waves of fine energy/tingling move through me. It seemed a little like a fountain, energy rose up the inside of my body, reached the top of my head, built up, then kind of seemed to spill over into fine and pleasant tingling on the surface of my skin that went down my body.
After this I just went with whatever happened, and the noticed the connection between "me" and my body seemed less solid. I used to feel that I was the body, and vice versa, now it seems the body and I and two separate things.
Looking back over the past 1-2 months I've seen a big change in how I feel when I begin sitting. I used to need to follow the breath to let the mind settle, 3X10 or whatever, now I close my eyes and am almost instantly where I would have been after 10 minutes of sitting only 6 weeks ago. I tend to focus on my current experience so I don't really look back and compare often, but doing so now there have been some clear changes.
This is what I noticed this morning, I may be scripting, or delusional. When I began posting here I overestimated where I was so I'm not going to even make a guess. If more experienced yogi's have opinions about where I am, cool. I'm going to be doing the same things as always.

Ganbatte kudosai!

Meekan,
Thanks! And, right back at ya!!
(Had to look that up).

"Tried "inclining my mind to a jhana" this morning. I began by trying for 4th, I don't really know what 4th jhana is like, but within about 30 seconds I was having the experiences I usually have after 20-25 minutes of sitting. I've been trying to not manipulate my practice so this was very different for me. The sense of "I" was about 2/3 of the way back into my head instead of right at the eyes. I also had several waves of fine energy/tingling move through me. It seemed a little like a fountain, energy rose up the inside of my body, reached the top of my head, built up, then kind of seemed to spill over into fine and pleasant tingling on the surface of my skin that went down my body.
After this I just went with whatever happened, and the noticed the connection between "me" and my body seemed less solid. I used to feel that I was the body, and vice versa, now it seems the body and I and two separate things.
Looking back over the past 1-2 months I've seen a big change in how I feel when I begin sitting. I used to need to follow the breath to let the mind settle, 3X10 or whatever, now I close my eyes and am almost instantly where I would have been after 10 minutes of sitting only 6 weeks ago. I tend to focus on my current experience so I don't really look back and compare often, but doing so now there have been some clear changes."

This all sounds so very familiar and I quietly giggled a bit to myself and broke out in a knowing smile upon reading this. The "energy breakouts" or the kundalini-type energetic sensations you report seem to be a common experience post-path (took me a couple of days to experience it after SE path moment myself and it has also intensified upon recently landing 2nd path).

Of course, good continue investigating before making a final call and talking with more advanced yogis will be helpful as well, but this sounds pretty encouraging!

Way to go Rev

Rev, I'm so curious. Post more!

Thanks!
Somehow it seems "par for the course" that I would miss the actual fruition/cessation moment. lol. If it's happened that is, a big if. I'm leaning to no just because I didn't have a "what was that" "blip", but I'm a poor judge.
Another sit, and the amount of energy in my head is pretty amazing. At times it seemed like it warped the visual field, similar to looking through heat waves in the summer. In 45 minutes I had about 5 minutes with little to no energy moving around, felt like equanimity. The rest of the time was very active.