A beginners Journal

I'm reaching what I've thought is equanimity regularly now, and sooner in the sits. But, I'm starting to have doubts that it is in fact equanimity. It used to be a huge drop in sensations, a kind of vast silence. it seems to be getting noisier though. The drop in sensations is still there, I experience it the same, initially. But it seems like the silence and calm isn't really either, thoughts and sensations seem to be arising, nowhere near what I experience in, what may be DN, but they are there now. I'm hoping that I'm reaching more subtle layers of mind, but that's probably delusional thinking. Oh well, same practice either way.
SE11!

Re-reading some old posts I'm really missing the physio/energetic model for stream entry. It felt more like a natural unfolding that I could trust in. If I did the work, I'd get the results. This new model feels more like a pressure to "be ok damn it!!" and if your not ok, "be ok with that, damn it!!". Sometimes I'm not ok, and sometimes I'm not ok with that either!
And so ends the venting.

Don't assume that the disappearance to thoughts and sensations is how you recognize Equanimity. It's called "Equanimity regarding formations", not "disappearance of formations".

Also, I've gathered (and this might be a misreading, but oh well) that Equanimity is nothing more than the flip-side of the Dark Night: One is experience at the level of formations causing suffering; the other is experience at the level of formations not causing suffering. That's why we seem to slip so subtly between one and the other.

It is a natural unfolding- but not necessarily a linear one. Since it's nature at work, it's unresponsive to "being OK" or "not being OK". Kenneth once told me "you can't tug at the shoots to make the plant grow faster".

I'm currently going through my own re-evaluation- I had thought I was in Eq before 2nd path, but I've been finding in recent days that I keep getting pitched back into re-observation, with cycles of mounting weird headaches and irritability, and that this has been the case for several weeks. It feels a bit like I'm being slapped down for my presumption.

I think somewhere along the Path we have to get reminded (over and over and over and over and over) that the path is impervious to bargaining or manipulation, and that until we hit the depths of our instinct to manipulate, we stall. I feel like I might have gotten a free pass before SE, and I'm paying the interest due now! Hopefully for you it'll be the reverse, and you're laying track now.

"Hopefully for you it'll be the reverse, and you're laying track now."

Nice!

I agree. Keep going Rev!

The physio-energetic model still can help you keep your head in the game and the momentum going. Nothing has been chucked away. I don't think Kenneth is saying that previous models need to be ignored. Being present and aiming to be "ok" or "equanimous" with phenomena in the very moment is what you are doing when you note. The pre-path "sticky" mind needs to be constantly reminded to stay in the present moment with what is arsing now.

Noting is like temporarily pulling two strong magnets apart so they seperate for a moment. You have to continuously note for the magnets to stay apart. By magnets, I mean the mind being quickly pulled by the force of habitual karma to identify and react to mental and physical phenomena thus resulting in stress and especially crappy "dark" nights.

Being present gets easier and easier at each path becasue the mind gets less and less "sticky". The magnets lose their pull. At what people have called 4th path and now referred to as the 5th stage, that "stickiness" is seriously dealt with and being present in the very moment in the body is so much easier. Keep separating those magnets, and their incessant pull to clamp together will get less and less over time and practice. Equanimity of formations nana will make it easier too.

When the mind gets extremely sticky-free dark night does not have to be a dark night but a sunny day.

Nick

"Don't assume that the disappearance to thoughts and sensations is how you recognize Equanimity. It's called "Equanimity regarding formations", not "disappearance of formations".

Also, I've gathered (and this might be a misreading, but oh well) that Equanimity is nothing more than the flip-side of the Dark Night: One is experience at the level of formations causing suffering; the other is experience at the level of formations not causing suffering. That's why we seem to slip so subtly between one and the other.

It is a natural unfolding- but not necessarily a linear one. Since it's nature at work, it's unresponsive to "being OK" or "not being OK". Kenneth once told me "you can't tug at the shoots to make the plant grow faster".

I'm currently going through my own re-evaluation- I had thought I was in Eq before 2nd path, but I've been finding in recent days that I keep getting pitched back into re-observation, with cycles of mounting weird headaches and irritability, and that this has been the case for several weeks. It feels a bit like I'm being slapped down for my presumption.

I think somewhere along the Path we have to get reminded (over and over and over and over and over) that the path is impervious to bargaining or manipulation, and that until we hit the depths of our instinct to manipulate, we stall. I feel like I might have gotten a free pass before SE, and I'm paying the interest due now! Hopefully for you it'll be the reverse, and you're laying track now."

Coming from another thread, thank you for that comment, Rob!
So, Rev, keep the momentum up!
/parallel guy

Continuing to practice about 1 1/2 hrs/day.
I realized last weekend that I've been directing my awareness around my experience and that it has been exhausting me and adding stress to my life. Very much like the early stages of the chicken herding analogy. But, my awareness is always already here and I don't need to do anything with it or to it. All my sensations occur within my "field of awareness", all I need to do is be still and I'll notice them. Feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Seated I've noticed that my sense of "I" seems to be moving. It has been right at my eyes, but this week it feels like it has backed up into my head, maybe 3-4 inches. Several times, the last two days, it has become very non-localized and seems to be evenly spread through the whole body. It only lasts ~15-20 seconds at a time so I'm not completely clear on it.
I've also been experiencing quite a bit of pressure in my head again. It's focused at the top and back half of the head.
Overall, I'm feeling very mellow and relaxed, which is why I haven't been writing. It doesn't seem to be necessary right now.

After saying yesterday how great things seem lately, I guess it was inevitable that today would be a real struggle. My am 45m sit was a bear!
I had been thinking this morning, before I sat, how lazy I felt. Practice has been non-stop hand to hand combat lately, then suddenly I just relaxed and things felt good. I was wondering if I had achieved something or just gotten lazy and given up. Maybe I was missing all the drama and struggle so invited it back somehow? Confused...again. Oh well, I'll just keep sitting and see what happens next!

It's easy to get hooked by the "bad" sittings, and it's easy to get hooked by the "good" ones.

But one shouldn't play hookey...
(Ah, sorry for the bad puns everywhere)

I am with you in the confusion, man. But I know you'll persist!!
The sits will be what they are...

A Lot more energetic stuff going on in my head today. Pressure at the top and a couple times behind my right eye. It feels really strange, my best description is that it's a ball of something that is being torn apart, but I can feel it tearing.(?)
It's slightly unpleasant but also feels like an expansion, of something, so also good in a weird way. After one of these "balls" blew up I had an uncontrollable facial contraction. Squinting, grimacing, for about 5 seconds. Feels like pre-A&P contortions again, but less intense. I was feeling very calm and open and this was after about 35 minutes. I had already been through A&P and Dhukka nanas(I think) and felt like I was settling into Eq. So this makes zero sense to me. Oh well, what else is new! lol.
Feeling really good again today. Calm, at peace, and I can maintain awareness quite easily.

First, maybe we were hoping for progression to follow a straight line up.
But realistically with the early inertia and stuff maybe we thought something like :http://www.friendlyinnovators.com/images/linear12.jpg
But at this stage we're maybe starting to believe in something like:
www.investorplace.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/sndk2.gif
But reality? Like:
www.toxiclab.org/img/20065322_img4.gif
Or
Maybe
www.toxiclab.org/img/20065320_img1.gif
Or maybe the joke is on us:
www.toxiclab.org/img/20065321_img3.gif

I'm really identifying with your recent experiences, which parallel my own. You track the map quite nicely for a while, then it goes ka-blooey right at the end and you no longer know where you are. I think we are hitting the frontiers of what maps can do for you- the very fact that we grasp after their predictability trips us up. I'm confronting this repeatedly on ever-deeper layers of subtlety. I find one "manipulator" tossing me back into grasping; I note, attain an equanimity that disables it, move "forward", and bam, there's another, tougher and more insidious manipulator waiting there. Want, want, want, manipulate, manipulate, manipulate, bargain, bargain, bargain, want, want, want, over and over and over... (This is a cartoony and inadequate description of my practice, but it serves to make the point...).

I talked about this to Kenneth a couple of weeks ago, and he mentioned to me that he didn't really experience a clear kind of equanimity working toward his second path- and in fact, these maps only really start to make sense in hindsight. Another time, he mentioned that the time that you *really* get to know the Progress map well is in 2nd-to-3rd path, when you cycle fast and repeatedly.

What I take away from this is that looking for certainty in the maps in the first or second cycle (out of what will eventually be hundreds) is premature at best, useless at worst. The fact that I know this, but I keep trying anyways, is probably exactly where my current challenge lies

Like the old joke says, I love banging my head with a shovel, 'cause it feels SO GOOD when I stop.

I wish I could misplace my shovel!! I seem to be able to lose everything else.
It's good to hear that these maps don't make a lot of sense until you look back. I think I'm mostly worried about getting stuck and wasting my time. I keep thinking about Nik who says he was a Dark Night yogi for nine years, how he managed that I'll never know! I feel pretty confident that I am making some progress, but still have a deep fear about it for some reason.
Meekan, I like that first one, as long as I'm at the stage that looks like a rocket blasting off!! But, you're probably right.
Today's report below:

2/22/11
Weird. had a definite(I think) A&P experience, exactly the same as months ago. After sitting about 35 minutes and going through what I think are A&P then DN and then relaxing into a deep peaceful quiet, WHAM! A big energy surge, gross tingling through my body, straightening of my posture. Energy building, and building waiting for an explosion, felt the same as before, like I was tensing for a loud noise. Facial contortions and rocking back and forth.Then it just releases and slowly fades down to nothing. Feeling good afterwords smile creeping onto my face.
Off the cushion feel good again this week, mindfulness comes fairly easily. Feel pretty relaxed about practice right now. The weekend was tense though.
What the heck???????????????

"What the heck???????????????
-RevElev"

Good things are happening, Rev.

"2/22/11
Weird. had a definite(I think) A&P experience, exactly the same as months ago. After sitting about 35 minutes and going through what I think are A&P then DN and then relaxing into a deep peaceful quiet, WHAM! A big energy surge, gross tingling through my body, straightening of my posture. Energy building, and building waiting for an explosion, felt the same as before, like I was tensing for a loud noise. Facial contortions and rocking back and forth.Then it just releases and slowly fades down to nothing. Feeling good afterwords smile creeping onto my face.
Off the cushion feel good again this week, mindfulness comes fairly easily. Feel pretty relaxed about practice right now. The weekend was tense though.
What the heck???????????????
"

This is funny.
Yesterday I just sat for half an hour. Suddenly I had an experience I hadn't had for a month or so ('ll have to check my journal). It was the "someone put a searchlight in my face" and I was really startled again. Reason I am saying this is this occurred at my probable a&p passing. I didn't write about it though, but when I read your post, I'm wondering if I am shadowing your practice
So maybe I can sit back and let you do the work, eh?

(today I woke up with a sense of intense anxiety, so...)

Thanks guys!
This seemingly endless loop feels like chasing my tail some days. An upward spiral I could live with, and maybe this is and I just can't see it yet. Here's hoping!
Meekan, for your sake I hope you aren't shadowing my practice and you blast past me soon.

Using buddho, with the breath. Had a burst of ? about 1-2 inches behind the bridge of my nose this evening. A wave of tingling pleasantness went to the back of my head and down my spine through my arms and legs. Very pleasant, hitting Eq. quicker lately.
Feb. averaged 1h 25m/ day.

How are you feeling today? What's gone on since the "?" ?

Feel pretty normal today, I've got a bit more energy then normal and I'm in a good mood. My mood has been better then usual the last couple weeks. I've had a lot of ? going on in my head lately while in (what may be) equanimity. Similar to what I experienced around A&P, similar as far as strength, but with a different feel to the actual surges. I guess it's an energy surge, but it has an odd warm and liquid feel to it. Similar to how I'd imagine warm syrup covering the inside of my head and body would feel, but with very pleasant tingling, on my skin, accompanying it.
This is going slowly, but I think I'm progressing and feeling like my level of suffering is decreasing so I'm OK with everything as it is right now.

Go go go!

I've been noticing a subtle tension when in (maybe) equanimity. It feels like some part of me is holding back, afraid to let go. I've just been noticing it and allowing it to do it's thing.
Life's kinda kicked the heck out of me this week, so feeling really stressed. Work and relationship stuff, and I'm really tired. I'm finding that I'm just really uncertain and agitated. Worried that by trying to dis-embed I'm just avoiding my problems.

"Worried that by trying to dis-embed I'm just avoiding my problems. "

Hi Rev - I don't think you are alone in having this type of concern. I've had similar worries and this is my wife's primary anti-vipassana argument. Rest assured, your problems will still be waiting for you regardless of your progress! Of course, the issue is how you relate to them. You can either observe the problem (and therefore be able to handle it skillfully) or you can BE the problem (and it will handle you).

It sounds like you know what to do by allowing all that stuff to do its thing. Keep up the great progress.

Jarrod

Jarrod, Thanks. It's funny how I seem worried that I may miss out on some suffering! Some days the observe/be line seems more blurry then other days.
Mar. 4
Feeling pretty crappy the last 3 days. Long standing situations suddenly seem intolerable. Irritable. Aversion to meditation and low concentration.
50m tonight. thought I was in DN, playing around with switching between two perspectives. Noticed that I could sit and experience sensations, or I could be aware of "me" experiencing sensations. It was one step removed the the actual sensations. Kind of. I was experiencing the sensations, and the sensation of watching Brian experiencing equally. One didn't seem more important than the other. I could switch back and forth easily and did so maybe 10 or 12 times.
Then boom, a real wallop of energy in the head.Slight shaking, gross and more subtle vibrations in the head. Pressure at the top of the skull and the back of the head/top of spine. Tension in the neck muscles. Flashes of light at the extreme left and right of the visual field. The eyelids were flickering, independently of each other. A strange feeling mix of energy, vibration, and pressure/tension.
Now I feel a bit wired, like I was just electrocuted. The right side of my brain feels like it vibrating inside my skull. Concentration is still weak, and I feel kind of crappy.
Using the word Buddho today, off the cushion, I noticed a huge change in feeling if I was focused on the breath or the word. I was surprised by how different the feeling was.
Do it again, and again, and again, and ag...
Edit: After the surge, for about 3-5 seconds I felt like I was floating or suspended, which was really cool.

Interesting report. I've had similar experiences of spontaneously (and then deliberately) stepping back and watching myself watch sensations. I found that noting as the bystander ("see how it...") can instigate this perspective at which point it's easy to turn the attention to the sense of subjectivity (2nd gear/the witness). I had a period of a week or two recently where this was happening a lot throughout the day.

Were you noting during the sit or repeating buddho?

Nadavspi,
Thanks for the comment. I really haven't been trying to do any second gear, just focusing on first for now. In this meditation I was doing neither noting, nor buddho. I was just maintaining an open awareness of my experience. This is my usual method of meditation and off the cushion practice, not terribly popular around here, but it's gotten me to where I am, and has lessened my suffering.
I switch between methods depending on what seems to suit the situation. This may not be best(I don't know) but it's what I do.
My motivation to practice formally is weak, the last week or so. It used to be like an addiction, now it just feels like something I'd like to do when I can. The urgency is greatly lessened. My off cushion practice just feels like enough right now.