Yadid's practice journal #2

It seems that I usually wish the unpleasant would be more anicca, while the pleasant should be less
Need to remember to see dukkha more in the peace next time.

Still practicing daily, less as I'd like though. I'm gonna try to push the gas peddle some more in the coming days. Signing up for a week long retreat in February, and I'm very excited for that since I haven't sat a retreat longer than 2 days in a while.
Let's build up some momentum and drop some more coals.

In the spirit of resolutions: I resolve to continue sitting at least 2 hours a day, mindfulness during daily activities, and to get stream-entry sooner rather than later, perhaps on a week long retreat coming up.

So.. today is a good day for this - 1 hour sit coming up and I hope 2.5hours at the Goenka place, lets see where this is going.

"In the spirit of resolutions: I resolve to continue sitting at least 2 hours a day, mindfulness during daily activities, and to get stream-entry sooner rather than later, perhaps on a week long retreat coming up.

"

Resolutions are great! it helps direct and keep your practice aiming towards your goal.

Keep a close eye on EXPECTATIONS though. That has been the one obstacle that slow down my progress (some sages argue that "expectations" is the direct opposite of "surrender")

Go do it, man! get'er done!

Jorge, when you say expectations do you mean the desire for something to come up next?

"Jorge, when you say expectations do you mean the desire for something to come up next?"

As I thought of other ways the word expectations can be understood, I decided to cheat a little bit and pull the definition from wikipedia:

"In the case of uncertainty, expectation is what is considered the most likely to happen. An expectation, which is a belief that is centered on the future, may or may not be realistic. A less advantageous result gives rise to the emotion of disappointment. If something happens that is not at all expected it is a surprise. An expectation about the behavior or performance of another person, expressed to that person, may have the nature of a strong request, or an order"

So yeah, the desire (the conditioning of your experience in the here and now) for something desired (more conditioning of the experience) to come up next when desired (yet more conditioning of experience).

So expectations condition your practice (which may look at first glance to be beneficial) but as the process is a natural one, and cannot be forced, only encouraged, this conditioning becomes an obstacle that needs to be eventually overcome (specially during equanimity just before attainin
g to stream entry (which was my experience and the experience of most yogis, from what I've heard).

I see.
Well, I think the understanding that all I can do is be more mindful / concentrated on what is going on, and that I cannot control what is going on, is going deeper, so when that is understood - expectations are seen to arise and pass away and so does disappointment. Am I making sense?

"I see.
Well, I think the understanding that all I can do is be more mindful / concentrated on what is going on, and that I cannot control what is going on, is going deeper, so when that is understood - expectations are seen to arise and pass away and so does disappointment. Am I making sense? "

you bet!

...and once it is fully and completely understood in its totality, expectations and disappointment will no longer arise!

Very timely(for me). The last two days I've really recognized how much my experience is coloured by expectations. They seem to be a rejection of what is, in favour of what I think should be. I noticed today at work a subtle physical stress that was being caused because I felt I should be more focused/aware at work, this caused me mild suffering. Once I recognized it and relaxed around the sensation I began to feel more at ease.
Thanks.

" The last two days I've really recognized how much my experience is coloured by expectations. They seem to be a rejection of what is, in favour of what I think should be. "

That is exactly what they are, RevElev. Where the natural flow of the manifest world encounters friction (aka any of the effects of the "self"), there is suffering!
Once you recognized it and saw the sensation for what it was, its effect dramatically decreased!! This is exactly how this practice works, and it's proof that it's paying big dividends already.

It's always exciting to see fellow yogis realize in real time the fruits of their practice!

So still sitting daily. Sometimes I get to what I think is Equanimity, sometimes not.
The past few days I've been paying attention to how 'Proxy Life' (as Kenneth calls it) is pure suffering. Whenever im living the Fantasy Life, I'm suffering like a dog.
`I wish this class would end` = Pure suffering.
Spinning in mind-loops about something I am afraid might happen? Living a fantasy life of something good/bad which could happen? pure suffering.
Then I get back into the body, again and again.
This practice has a different 'flavor' than noting - noting for me is more focused on the mind, while this practice is more body-oriented and helps me deal with daily situations rather than cushion practice.

"Whenever im living the Fantasy Life, I'm suffering like a dog.
`I wish this class would end` = Pure suffering.
Spinning in mind-loops about something I am afraid might happen? Living a fantasy life of something good/bad which could happen? pure suffering. Then I get back into the body, again and again." -Yadid

This man gets it, people.

The practice you are doing leads to the end of suffering, Yadid. Keep on keepin' on.

Thanks for the encouragement Kenneth..
Looking closely now, it seems there are different layers of 'proxy life', some are very gross ('I wish this class would end` is a very apparent example) while others are much subtler and harder to recognize, so it seems I live in proxy-life most of the day, to some extent.