Yadid's practice journal #2

"Still trying to note all day.
1hr morning sit: cutting edge at 4th vipassana jhana (equanimity) again, probably up and down from it, in between, fear of not being, and feelings of 'something big is going to happen'. objectifying lots of mental phenomena, sense of self becomes tricky.

"

It sounds like you may be in a "re-observation" stage. If one pays attention to the transition from "desire for deliverance" to "re-observation" one can notice a pseudo-equanimity like part right before the stage of re-observation kicks in. Then dissolution, fear, misery, disgust, and desire for deliverance all over again (or a nice chunk of all these blended together). It makes for a delicious dukkha nanas cocktail!

If you are indeed in the "re-observation" stage, you are going to have to put your head down and plow your way through it. Re-observation tends to fool many yogis into thinking they are either not progressing and got stuck, or that they are actually digressing and moving backwards. Push push and push through noting EVERYTHING you can. Once that momentum gets large enough, you'll break through into a nice, clean and solid equanimity/11th nana.

You may want to double check with Kenneth and get his input as to where you may be right now.

Hi Jorge,

I'm not interested in being able to recognize each nana for its own sake, I just find it helpful for my practice sometimes - but not so much that I must recognize them specifically.

I have a feeling you are right about being in Re-ob - yesterday I noted most of the day and sat for 4 formal 1 hr sits, and by the end of the day I was feeling so much negativity. Arrrrgh.
But I do think I am touching Equanimity in my sits, and then perhaps sliding back.

The thing is - regardless of where I am, the practice is the same, right? so I don't need to bother too much with analyzing.

Woke up in a negative fearful mindset, noting was done automatically while I was half-asleep. It was interesting (fear fear, future thought, etc).
Where am I?
Who knows.
When I sat today for 2 * 1hr sittings, by the end of the first sit, and during most of the second one, I was just in a spacious calm wide mind-set. I can really just fall asleep or space out there. Noting things out takes some effort, as the inclination is to just sit back and relax.
Equanimity?

I plan to sit for another hour or two later on and see where it leads.

This is an attempt to verbalize my current take on practice:

After this retreat, an understanding which I already gained previously, was deepened and I'm trying to live it now. The understanding is: This is it, every moment which I remember to practice (noting) is the moment to do so, I don't have to wait around for retreats, I should utilize all the time I have to continue my practice. So whenever fear arises of not reaching my goal, or whatever, it is a reminder for me to note (fear fear, future thought, etc).

So far I've been living according to this pretty well, practicing at least 2 hours of formal sitting, and noting during the day whenever I can, dis embedding.
I resolve to continue going like this.

So pretty sure I high High-eq today.
Noting for 2 hours on the bus (1 hr each way), 2 * 1hr sittings at the Goenka house.

It is hard to describe but I think a calm wide transparent space with subtle mental phenomena.

I also was fired today (started this job a month ago), because I told my boss I wanted to do less shifts. Noted all the fear, future thought etc pretty well on these 2 * 1 hour sittings which I did after the fact, and am very calm and peaceful, so thats why I am even more sure I hit equanimity again.

Craving for path is definitely getting in the way in my sittings. Advice?

"Craving for path is definitely getting in the way in my sittings. Advice?" -Yadid

Craving for path is never in the way, Yadid, as long as you note it. Keep noting it for as long as it lasts. There is no such thing as a hindrance. There is only your experience in this moment, and it's all notable. No experience is better or worse than any other.

Your practice sounds excellent, and given that life has just dealt you a wild card (no more job to go to and therefore more time to practice), you may as well take full advantage. I've never seen anyone sustain high equanimity for more than a week or two without getting path, so if you really are there, you are just about to pop. Sit as many hours as you can each day and note the rest of the time. Consistency, not heroics!

Kenneth

Thanks, Kenneth.
Your 'Consistency, not heroics' is in my mind a lot lately. But am trying to mix them up together, noting and formal sitting practice as much as possible (some heroics) but consistently through the days

I will continue to practice as much as possible and report what happens.

You are obviously in good hands with Kenneth's advice but just to re-iterate, based on how my recent retreat went, he is absolutely right that your craving is not in the way. I was plagued with this on day 1 of my retreat, but went into day 2 with the attitude that the craving was the last thing I needed to dis-embed from. In other words, just note it like everything else.

Good luck!

Thanks Jarrod!

Its all looking go my friend. Just keep working it...

Thanks for all the encouragement, I am keeping at it and feeling more and more established in the equanimity, learning to quickly recognize subtle dreamy mind phenomena and shoot `em with awareness.

1hr morning sitting: equanimity but perhaps a fall back to the dark night, itches and unpleasant ness.

1hr afternoon sitting: Up to equanimity, lots of calmness, spaciousness, and so on.

~15mins practice before one of my last shifts at work,
2 hours sitting at the Goenka house.
Still lots of calm, spaciousness, and subtle mental formations, but its starting to bore me, which I think is a good sign!

1 hour morning sitting: spaciousness, calmness and tranquility again! what a surprise
seriously though.. i thought I had to go through all the nyanas to reach the 11th every sit, though it seems I get there in several minutes. so the early nyanas flash by and I dont notice? I do experience subtle bliss and happiness at the beginning of the sit which subsides into a calmness, I guess thats the A&P flashing by.

Anywhoo, signed up for a day course at the Goenka house, that should provide at least 7 hours of sitting practice tomorrow.

"i thought I had to go through all the nyanas to reach the 11th every sit, though it seems I get there in several minutes. so the early nyanas flash by and I dont notice? I do experience subtle bliss and happiness at the beginning of the sit which subsides into a calmness, I guess thats the A&P flashing by."

This was my experience as well. There was a point that I seemed to really break through 10th and from then on I seemed to cruise right up to 11th pretty quickly in each sit. Of course, I came to expect this with each sit and then struggled with that expectation a bit. Anyway, at the time I suspected that this is related to the whole 'cutting edge' thing. Notice how wherever your cutting edge is in sitting practice that it lingers throughout the day and colors your mood? Maybe you've been hanging out in 11th long enough for it to color the earlier nanas in this way too. So, you are still going up through them on your way to 11th, but they have a more 'meh' quality to them with the equanimity coloration. Just a thought I had, I'd be curious what some multi-pathers think about this. Maybe this is the 'fractal' stuff people talk about. Also, I suspect the speed going up the arc is related to how deep you've been carving out your physio-energetic grooves.

How long after you sit before you are feeling the A&P stuff? What's it like before that? Sounds like you are progressing nicely. Time to note all the very subtle things.

Hi Jarrod,
I think it takes less than a few minutes to get the happiness & subtle rapture.

About subtle things - Yeah, I feel like at times I miss quite a lot of subtlety, but I note that feeling
I think that sitting for quite a few hours tomorrow will be a good opportunity to objectify the subtle stuff.

"I feel like at times I miss quite a lot of subtlety, but I note that feeling "

That's what it takes. Good luck!

Didn't do the Goenka whole day sit due to an unexpected visitor. He's also a meditator, so we did sit a bit.

About 4 hours of sitting practice today, I still seem to be in Equanimity most of the time. I do think I slide back a little bit some times, and that feels experientially as some struggle, while in what I think to be high equanimity there's just relaxation.

Had a great chat with Kenneth today.
He recommended I try just letting go, and bliss out / relax out in Equanimity.
I tried it on a 1-hour sitting and I found that I just get trapped in mind-chatter, therefore next sit I shall try noting a lot first, and then letting go when I get to High-eq.

Try this, Yadid: "I wonder what my next thought will be..."

The salient challenge in mid-equanimity is slippery mind/wandering mind in which you fall easily into a pleasant reverie that can last seemingly indefinitely. Turning directly toward thoughts is the antidote.

Yesterday's practice: Equanimity,
Today: Grinding through familiar Dukkha territory. Blah!
Oh well. More surrender means more insight.

I seem to have lost the `bookmark` I had for Equanimity, in which things are very clear and easily objectified, and have just sat for 2 * 1 hour sittings, and am seeing unclear, hard to penetrate and unpleasant, Dukkha !
I guess the fact that in the past few days I put less effort into the practice (I still sat for about 2 hours a day, but before the shift into Equanimity I was sitting more).
Anyway, gotta keep going. one more hour sitting, let's see what happens.

I think I just felt the shift to low-eq from Dukkha in the last sitting .Gonna go sit 2 hours and see how it goes.

Having been in High-eq and falling back to dukkha, sucks! what a tease.
It makes it even harder to accept all the negativity. I am the most negative and reactive I've been in a while, and it sucks.
Life just seems overwhelming at the moment. I feel like I cant handle anything and all i just wanna do right now is cry.

This is what dedication looks like. Keep it up man, its gonna pay off big time...