A beginners Journal

90 mins seated today.
Still feeling really good, lighter and clearer. The pressure is still present in my head more around the eyes and face. It formed a diamond, top lip to outside of eyes to centre of forehead. Pressure but no discomfort or pain associated with it. Experienced very obvious cycles today. I'm not sure from or to where but ended up where I began at the end of my sit. Slightly unfocused to start but settled quickly and reached an incredibly still and open awareness with pulsing in the third eye, then back the way I came to unfocused and some intrusive thoughts. I was becoming more focused again when my timer went off.
I find myself, when most focused, very subtly hanging on/contracting. It feels like this may be holding me back, like I'm not quite willing to completely let go yet.
I resolve to attain stream entry, as soon as possible, for the benefit of all beings.

Obvious cycles? Can someone "cycle" like this in Equanimity? I wouldn't have thought so.

Maybe Kenneth and the more experienced guys want to look at this? It sounds very similar to my own immediate post-SE experience.

I'm not sure if you're using the word "focus" the way I am taking it, but the way it resonates with me is that I've recently realized that degree of focus is not necessarily something you have to view as a problem. To some extent, it just ebbs and flows with the cycles, and you can't expect that you'll get somewhere in which it's just fixed in place.

Rob
To clarify:
By cycle I mean that I'm definitely moving through different nanas/jhanas, from low to higher then back to low, then back again, while sitting. Some days this is more obvious then other days, but always seems to happen.
The cycling over longer time frames you asked me about a while ago is also more apparent lately and the time frame seems to be shortening. It used to feel like weeks, now it's days. I'm unclear about the exact symptoms and differences of the nanas so not sure where I am or how quickly I may or may not be moving through them, or even if I am, it just seems like it to me.
By focus I mean ability to remain concentrated and undisturbed by sensations. The more this increases the more detached I feel from sensations, physical, mental and emotional. At times I very clearly feel like I'm separate from the sensations and am merely observing them, like a disinterested third party.
I've been trying to focus on the ending of the sensations, today this seemed to greatly increase my ability to "catch" sensations pop up then disappear. I felt slightly overwhelmed at how fast this was happening today.I wound up feeling a surge of energy from it and was back to the rocking back and forth that I experienced weeks ago.
I've also noticed that my daily mind state is different. I'm at a place I used to need to meditate to reach a couple months ago. I'm rarely feeling embedded in sensations, and if i am I become aware of it much more quickly. Perhaps the baseline rises with practice
Thanks for the input, always appreciated.

Awesome!!!! Keep going!

More of the same. 90 min/day seated. Awareness almost constant throughout the day. No fireworks but I think I'm making progress, and committed to staying with this practice. I'm noticing that I'm becoming aware of much more subtle sensations, both physical and mental. Watched a back pain today come and go, the pain pulsed into and out of existence, yet the mind perceived it as a constant discomfort. The pain appeared then disappeared and for a short time after the physical sensation ended the mind continued telling me their was pain, even though I could clearly perceive that it was gone. The sensation of pain would reappear before the mind registered that it had ended.
Is increasing the awareness to the point of noticing even the most subtle of sensations the whole of enlightenment?

45 min yesterday and today(so far)
I feel like I can take a break for some reason. I've been pushing hard, and yesterday and today I just feel like I can relax for a bit. Like the start of reading week when I could take a breather. Still practicing, just missing the sense of urgency. Probably just another phase, but I'm going to enjoy it as much as possible. Maybe just my bodies way of saying I need to relax, who knows?

Having no desire to push, but still having the desire to keep up the practice, can only be healthy, I would think. Ideal, even!

A lot of self doubt today. Like I was making progress, now it's leveled off and I wonder if I really experienced anything at all, or was it all just scripting and imagination and wasted time. Ups and downs lately, both seem more intense.
I'm able to slip into "witness" perspective fairly easily now, but it's difficult to stay there. It seems to be completely dependent on my eyes(focus), so even moving my head side to side and it slips away. I've be practicing it exclusively in daily life(off the cushion).
My sense of "I" seems to be much more pronounced then a few months ago. There seems to be a more solid and local awareness which I identify as me. Previously "I" was a collection of thoughts and physical sensations. Now a very solid entity seems to be experiencing these things, instead of "I" being these things. Is this beneficial?? or should I be trying to dis-embed from this solid "I" as well?
The pressure in my head remains but is still less after my experience in post 23. Probably not significant but interesting, and no longer unpleasant.

What does the solid 'I" feel like? How can you sense it? What is 'felt'? If it isn't sensations or thoughts, what are you calling a solid "I"?

Just keep noting like normal, and when thoughts of this sold "I" arise, note them as thoughts, if the feeling of the solid "I" arises and takes centre stage, just note what is felt or sensed, or seen. Just include it all into the noting. All grist for the mill as Kenneth says. Don't go looking for it. Let it arise unmanipulated and then note what is taking centre stage.

Ultimately, you are looking at just sensations. But that is the illusion , isn't it? Just sensations you say? Keep noting and peeling back the layers of self-identification with phenomena and that solid "I" will perhaps later on seem less solid and more a flux and flow of wave after wave of vibrations. Keep noting!



Nick

Good Questions, I'll have to look into that a bit more. It seems to be that my awareness of sensations is localized in one place instead of being spread out. The "I" seems to be just focused awareness of sensations. This "I" seems to be looking out at the world from a spot of pressure in my head, it's usually appearing at the back of the head/top of spine location.
In the past I had no sense of a location of awareness, or even knowledge of awareness. I just stumbled through my days becoming embedded in whatever came up, now this "I" I'm sensing is watching the sensations occur and Brian react to them. Sometimes it's almost like watching someone else. The "witness" perhaps ????? Thanks for the response.

Rev,

The witness is there for me as well. Also, there's a distinct eye focus while in the witness. I suggest you play around with it as you have, but do it when noting isn't convenient. Noting is the most powerful thing you could be doing now and I suggest you definitley keep that up.

The sense of losing progress, the doubting, etc. are all things I've gone through as well. Looking back, it's all signs of progress. Don't fret, just note out loud and you can't go wrong!

Is it possible to move up the nanas/jhanas without obvious eye crossing?

I've been averaging about 75 min/day lately, seated. My daily concentration seems to have lessened, more effort needed to maintain mindfulness. Still determined, but my focus is firmly moving to practice and away from posting, progress trumps my reporting it.
Lately: Felt, today, like i moved through the jhanas without obvious eye crossing. I noticed the change in focus to be the same, however.
Noticing my breath being ragged/gaspy for a few minutes before moving into a very calm and smooth experience. This happens at varying times in my sits but always before the transition into a more peaceful experience.
After this I've occasionally (1/2 the time) experienced the visual field increasing in depth. It's like I'm looking through space, instead of at a flat screen. The visual field becomes 3 dimensional, it seems very subtle and delicate at this point, unstable.
I felt the complete loss of info coming from my right eye for about 10-12 seconds. I've felt this before with both eyes for 1 or 2 seconds, but never just one eye, or for so long. It feels like the cord that passes info from my eye to my brain gets pulled out. It's a weird experience, but doesn't freak me out anymore.
A lot of people are making great progress here, congrats and keep it up!

It sounds like your grasp of your own experiences is totally excellent and your effort is supreme. I'm obviously speaking from narrow experience, but you sound like there's nothing more you need to "do" at this point except sit back and let it all happen. "more effort needed to maintain mindfulness": if you *know* this, then by definition, you're already plenty mindful enough, and don't need to try to create any more conducive states! Tight and slack concentration just comes and goes, flows back and forth, washes in and out- it always will- not a problem!

45 minutes this am.
Rob, thanks really appreciate your advice and encouragement. I'm starting to believe these things myself.

Sitting this morning I felt like I moved through the nanas up to equanimity. I started to examine the sense of "I", something new for me. I realized that the "I" I'm used to isn't really there. I am just an impersonal awareness that is somehow attached to this body, very fascinated by how this awareness becomes attached to a single body. Is my personality built upon this awareness? Or does it cover up this awareness? It feels like my old sense of myself is crumbling and nothing is there to replace it, scary and exciting. I'm spending more time as witness and seeing everything as "Not I" (I love that phrase, it reveals a lot in 2 words.)
Yesterday and today I haven't stopped with the stupid grin, I just feel like I can relax and get there. Very happy, but I know it's just a phase, and that's cool too.

1h 50m seated today. Very unusual feelings today. Normally when I meditate I feel solid, stable, focused. Today is the opposite: weak, light, fragile. Very poor concentration, even had difficulty following the breath. Similar to being weak from not eating, a little light headed, butterfly's in the stomach, and a subtle energy on the surface of my skin all day. I also experienced a lot of brightness and activity in the visual field, especially my last sit. Flashing or strobing of light as well. My concentration off the mat has been normal today, just odd when sitting formally. Oh well, just watching it all with interest.
Over the last 1-2 weeks it seems like my insight is catching up to my concentration. I seem to be realizing things and seeing more clearly instead of just experiencing deep concentration when seated.

Stream entry or bust!

45m this am
Feeling mentally, physically, and emotionally light. Like I've shrugged off a wet wool blanket. Lighter and brighter in every way. This feels related to how I felt yesterday.
I noticed that I had some uncertainty and confusion as a result of this. I'm uncertain how to proceed when things are different, funny because things are always different. Maybe that causes the underlying and constant tension in my life.
I realized something today while sitting. I've mentioned before that the pain in my legs seems muted at times, that's only partially accurate. The pain is becoming impersonal, it doesn't seem like "my" pain, or pain that is happening to "me". It's just pain arising in my field of awareness, it's still unpleasant but it's not about me, it just is. I've noticed this with emotions the last couple of days as well. Frustration arises, but it's not "my" frustration. I still often take it up as mine and react. But, I have a choice to just watch it arise in this field of awareness. Holy crap this is cool, this could change my live in a huge way!
After what I think is equanimity, I experienced a tug at the top of my skull which straightened my posture. About five minutes later I had a lot of energy arise, pleasant sensations on my skin, balls of bright light moving in the visual field, and slight eyelid twitching.

Stream entry or bust!

Cool! Keep going, RevElev! That energy rising could be AP, could be maybe Equanimity. But regardless, keep noting as it all is progress. And well done of the new insights!! None of it is "you"!



Nick

I doubt that it's the equanimity nana, Rev, but it sure does sound like the A&P. Nice job! The practice you are doing will take you to stream entry and beyond, so don't obsess too much about which nana you are in; you'll get the whole package eventually.

Kenneth

Thanks Kenneth and Nick. I apparently misoverguesstimated my location on the maps. Oh well! My goals are the same(stream entry then on to 4th path) and the method is the same. I started this thread to reassert my need to practice more, why not do it again. Plan A:Sit down, shut up and meditate!! Plan B: Maintain constant and unwavering attention to the present moment!!
My (non-existent) ego is licking its wounds in the corner, but I plan on eventually killing it off anyway, so it's gonna have to get used to it. I'm slightly terrified of the dark knight, I tend to the dark and depressive at the best of times, so I'm gonna try to maintain faith in the process and get through as fast as possible. I suspect that is part of my reason for thinking I was through it, wishful thinking/fear
30 min yesterday, 90 min this am.
My concentration seems to be coming back a bit. Energy surges and balls of light in the visual field again, eyes crossed. Relaxed after the surges and eyes uncrossed. Trying to not speculate.
I remember telecaster mentioning the importance of "looking at, not for" good advice.
Thanks to everyone for the continued support.
Stream entry or bust

45m Sunday, 45 this am.
Confused, This is a long question:
Experienced the energy surge and bright lights again, same as above. Wound up rocking back and forth. Apparently this is 4th nana A&P, which is really cool. Now the question, I'm pretty sure I've experienced this before, see my previous thread #24 and on.
kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/42...set=20&maxResults=20
At that time I thought I had reached A&P, this was followed shortly after(4 days) by 2 weeks of intense misery. I was an ass to others and really hated being me. This was followed by a day of almost crying for no reason at work. I remember this time well and it was Very intense and Very unusual for me. I can be a jerk like anyone, but I haven't experienced anything like that since my early teen years. I took that to be my Dark Night.
Is it possible that I reached A&P, then something weird happened for a couple weeks, then I slid backwards and am now re-experiencing A&P?
I'm worried about becoming a "chronic yogi", and how to avoid it.
Sorry for the long question, any thoughts would be Greatly appreciated.
Still just as determined to finish this, just more confused then usual.

After sitting for 30 min I've realized that the answer to the question in my previous post is not really important at all.
Note to self: Sit down, Shut up, Meditate!!

"I'm worried about becoming a "chronic yogi", and how to avoid it.
Sorry for the long question, any thoughts would be Greatly appreciated.
Still just as determined to finish this, just more confused then usual." -RevElev

You're not a chronic yogi, Rev, more like a chronic achiever. Don't worry about where you are. It doesn't change the instructions for you, which are to note, note, note, balanced with some concentration and even some metta. Try to find a balance where you feel somewhat sane. Then just put your head down and meditate, trusting that this process that has worked so well for all these other people will work for you too. Constancy, not heroics!

Kenneth

Kenneth, thanks for the encouragement, sometimes this gets to feeling like a life and death struggle and I lose sight of the bigger picture...and obsess.
90 minutes seated today.
Experienced three strong waves of energy, about 5 mins. apart. this evening. Each one was stronger then the previous and seemed to raise my base level. It was three steps ahead with the surge, then two steps back after if subsided. This began after about 20 minutes. The energy was mostly in lights in the visual field, tingling on the skin, and rose up my body. Each wave felt like the tingling became more fine and deeper in my body.
I've realized a pattern to my meditations. There seem to be two basic scenarios that play out:
The first is that I feel like I become more focused and concentrated throughout the time on the cushion. I seem to feel rather heavy physically and mentally during and after these sits.
In the second scenario I seem to become focused, then I lose it(after about 30 min) and I have a lot of thoughts arise that I get very easily tangled up in. If I just stick with it this seems to last about 10 min. then I become more focused again. This scenario leaves me feeling much lighter then if I maintain a deepening focus.
I've just noticed this so I'm not sure if it's real, or if perhaps I'm just more aware in one then the other and they are the same and I'm just noticing more subtlety in the second scenario.Or maybe I'm just more tired. Dunno...
Practicing (what might be) the witness, and finding it incredibly useful in dis-embedding, especially from emotions. Stepping back and watching "me" react to emotions really makes it difficult to not see them as the same as all other sensations. I've begun noticing a slight tension around the outside corners of my eyes during this practice. Also becoming better able to maintain it continuously

Stream Entry or Bust.

I sorta know what you mean about those 2 scenarios. There certainly isn't one that is "better" than the other. The feeling that you're "on to something" when there appears to be a constant deepening of a "state" is more satisfying and feels like some idea of progress, but it's just one among many ways the brain has to entertain itself.

Similarly, I know the feeling that the whole thing seems to fall apart after half an hour. I've come around to thinking that the presence of a lot of thoughts is just another bodily process that breathes in and out. It doesn't mean you've lost your concentration- for all I know, it's actually widened, and that's why you feel suddenly invaded by thoughts. (Speculating, of course).

Somewhere on this board there was a discussion about how "focus" and "concentration" were unfortunate translations, because actually, once you start playing at a certain level, mindfulness is wide and spacious and, by definition, *cannot* hold a single object in focus. It was liberating for me to find that out. You're playing at that level, and trying to make the 17 or 36 or so experiences, coming from all around, into "one big thing" just gets painful.

Forgive all those thoughts! They'll still be with you, long long long past stream-entry, and don't inherently cause suffering. They aren't "the problem".