There is no spoon

45m last night. Just sitting. Cutting to the chase, as it were.

30m this morning, samatha since 30m does not seem to get me enough momentum vipassana-wise. Focused on breath at nostrils and belly initially, within first minute sensed tension throughout my back. Tremors. Effort staying with breath, breathing rather coarse. Some thoughts, no thought loops. As breath gets more locked in, stay with nostrils only as I can now feel breath on upper lip. Tension continues in body, coupled with tremors. Tension continues to build, then breath becomes a whole lot easier to follow. A lot more subtle, quicker and shallower. Feeling more "inside my head". Continues until I start to get a tension thing happening at bottom of abdomen. Very clear sensation of ring of tension moving upward over course of a minute or so. Sticks in neck area, similar choking feeling from the other day. Head space gets very, very large. Breath very light, find concentration helped by switching to focusing on space I am seeing/feeling. Body very taut. Aware of breath, thoughts, but mostly space. Bell.

What an epic meditation FAIL.

45m last night, continuing samatha practice, trying to expand on what I assessed as a good concentration session in the morning (post 100, above). To my credit, I was just sitting, watching the breath, returning to the breath, not marking jhanas. Breath, breath, breath. When a distraction arose, I did not note it, examine it, just returned to breath. Good concentration ("my precious").

Thoughts becoming more insistent. Nasty stuff, dark stuff. WTF? Concentrate! Ok, better. Stick with it. Damn, more stuff. I get up in disgust after 40m. Can't concentrate tonight.

In the wee hours of the morning, as I get up to massage my 4yo's leg (growing pains), I suddenly realize what an epic FAIL that was. "Cutting to the chase" my ass. I read that thread like what...10 times yesterday as new posts went up? Lost opportunity to wake up. "Luckily" there will be more where that came from.

Live and learn, gentle readers.

"What an epic meditation FAIL.

45m last night, continuing samatha practice, trying to expand on what I assessed as a good concentration session in the morning (post 100, above). To my credit, I was just sitting, watching the breath, returning to the breath, not marking jhanas. Breath, breath, breath. When a distraction arose, I did not note it, examine it, just returned to breath. Good concentration ("my precious").

Thoughts becoming more insistent. Nasty stuff, dark stuff. WTF? Concentrate! Ok, better. Stick with it. Damn, more stuff. I get up in disgust after 40m. Can't concentrate tonight.

In the wee hours of the morning, as I get up to massage my 4yo's leg (growing pains), I suddenly realize what an epic FAIL that was. "Cutting to the chase" my ass. I read that thread like what...10 times yesterday as new posts went up? Lost opportunity to wake up. "Luckily" there will be more where that came from.

Live and learn, gentle readers."

Could you give a little more detail? I don't understand "epic FAIL."
THANKS

"Could you give a little more detail? I don't understand "epic FAIL.""

It is a failure, of epic proportions, of the basic message in "cut to the chase". I was so hell bent on concentration that, when I started to go off somewhere else, I got up in disgust rather than "watch it sit", "watch it think", "watch it get frustrated".

Whatever happens is the right thing to happen, and I failed to remember that simple instruction.

"

Whatever happens is the right thing to happen, and I failed to remember that simple instruction.
"

Man don't be too hard on yourself it's easily done and at least you noticed after the event. Like you said there will be plenty more opportunities and next time you might just catch yourself in that sharp moment. If not the time after that. 'Watch how it judges, watch how it blames.'

"It is a failure, of epic proportions, of the basic message in "cut to the chase". I was so hell bent on concentration that, when I started to go off somewhere else, I got up in disgust rather than "watch it sit", "watch it think", "watch it get frustrated".

Whatever happens is the right thing to happen, and I failed to remember that simple instruction.
"

This is great, Tomo.

I always say, "What is appearing right now is what needs your attention," which is essentially what you said. We can't control what "shows up," but we can choose to stay present in the midst of what we can't control. In fact, presence is all we can really do anyway. It's who we are.

~Jackson

"I got up in disgust rather than "watch it sit", "watch it think", "watch it get frustrated".
"

The same here. Whenever I review my sit, there is always the "why didn't I do this, why didn't I try that, how could I forget to do A when B arises". Maybe I should prepare a "if A arise, do B" list and read it before every sitting.

Peong

Reporting less frequently because, frankly, there is not much to report. My sitting is a mixture of samatha and vipassana, depending on the time I have at hand. Even if I resolve to sit samatha, sometimes it morphs into vipassana because I cannot get focused enough. I don't seem to be breaking new ground, with the possible exception of that "choking" feeling, which now happens about 4 out of 5 sits. It is like the zen-proverbial iron ball being swallowed, only it is moving upward, a palpable knot of tension that moves up from the notch in my sternum to the top of my throat. If I stay with it long enough, it eventually dissolves and I am left in a very still place. If the bell rings then (as it did just now), it takes considerable effort to unwind from that place.

Noting (when doing vipassana) continues to be a challenge...not sure it will ever get easy. I always have the feeling I am not "doing it right", as I think a number of others here would attest.

"It is like the zen-proverbial iron ball being swallowed, only it is moving upward, a palpable knot of tension that moves up from the notch in my sternum to the top of my throat. If I stay with it long enough, it eventually dissolves and I am left in a very still place. If the bell rings then (as it did just now), it takes considerable effort to unwind from that place.

Noting (when doing vipassana) continues to be a challenge...not sure it will ever get easy. I always have the feeling I am not "doing it right", as I think a number of others here would attest."

Hi Tom,

What you describe is what i was going though for 9 years as a dark night yogi. Still do! That tension flowing at the chest then moving up to the throat. When it dissipates at the throat I would soon get pressure at my brow, felt especially as tension in my nose and cheekbones. That would dissipate too and I would get into what i now now to be high equanimity where it is very peaceful, the mind diffuses and you have more precision in noting stuff. Make sure when you get to that still place again, note all the subtler states of mind which seem hard to spot. At least you know that getting to that place means you are getting closer and closer to the what lies beyond the 11th nana.

Like U ba khin said, keep swinging on the rope back and forth getting a little more height each time until you can just "let go" and reach the other side of the bank.

I had the feeling of "not doing it right" up until just before getting 1st path.

Keep swinging!!!!

"What you describe is what i was going though for 9 years as a dark night yogi. Still do! That tension flowing at the chest then moving up to the throat. When it dissipates at the throat I would soon get pressure at my brow, felt especially as tension in my nose and cheekbones. That would dissipate too and I would get into what i now now to be high equanimity where it is very peaceful, the mind diffuses and you have more precision in noting stuff. Make sure when you get to that still place again, note all the subtler states of mind which seem hard to spot. At least you know that getting to that place means you are getting closer and closer to the what lies beyond the 11th nana.
"

Thank you very much for that reinforcement and encouragement, Nikolai.

Weird head stuff happening to me today. Kind of like first jhana stuff, while driving and looking around.

Even though I have not posted, I am still sitting regularly...mostly samatha stuff. Little to no drama, usually just ending up in the "big, peaceful, still" place.

While I am continuing to sit in what I might call "equanimity" these days, it is surprising to me how slippery my thoughts can be. They squeak in, under the barbed wire of noting and next thing I know, 20-30 seconds have gone by.

I have created a neat little hack on my Mac to help with mindfulness during the day (as recommended by Kenneth), since that is where I spend so much of my time. Every hour, I get prompted by "What is your posture right now?", or "Breathe in and then breathe out...direct your complete attention to your breath". It does bring me back to the real world if deep in thought or work, but I am not seeing any benefits, frankly.

With the wife away for the weekend, and the kids in bed, I had a bit of a mini-retreat last night (to be continued tonight). 3 hours of meditation, broken down as:

10m sitting with kasina, 40m sitting, 20m standing meditation (qigong of sorts). Rinse, repeat three times.

I elected to use standing meditation over walking because walking always seems contrived to me, esp. in a room where I can only take about 10 steps. I only need something to give my knees a break, and standing offers a chance at continued stillness from the sit.

Anyhow, I did develop quite a deep stillness, and yet even at the end I was far from any empty mind state -- thoughts just have a way of always sneaking in and taking over. There was one point where I thought to myself "this might be it", as I was deep in what I would call equanimity and then I started feeling like I was being pulled somewhere. Difficult to describe now, as I don't remember the details (really hard to remember much specifics now, actually), but I had a sense that something was going to happen. I tried to just let go and see what developed, noting when I could, but after a couple of minutes, it passed.

That equanimity, by the way, came more from concentration than noting, as I felt throughout that my noting was sloppy. I am also not sure that the kasina time contributed anything, esp. after returning to the cushion from standing. Tonight will start with 20m kasina, 20m sit, and then straight 40m sit blocks after that (with the qigong, of course).

Comments or advice welcome.

Edit: corrected standing meditation time, was 20m not 10m.

"

Anyhow, I did develop quite a deep stillness, and yet even at the end I was far from any empty mind state -- thoughts just have a way of always sneaking in and taking over. There was one point where I thought to myself "this might be it", as I was deep in what I would call equanimity and then I started feeling like I was being pulled somewhere. Difficult to describe now, as I don't remember the details (really hard to remember much specifics now, actually), but I had a sense that something was going to happen. I tried to just let go and see what developed, noting when I could, but after a couple of minutes, it passed.
"

I had many of those moments of feeling like something was going to happen. Feelings of anticipation...will this be it? All of this in the first 4 days of the retreat. I'd get a sense of being pulled somewhere too. But the thoughts of anticpation, excitement, craving and curiosity seemed to hinder whatever seemed to be happening. When it finally did pull the mind somewhere, I was noting all those feelings of anticipation as they arose very quickly....I think I was just noting with the word "noted"....and I felt a pulling upward at the crown and ...blip. My advice is to keep swinging on the rope and note those states of anticipation.

Second session was only two hours, but the same format. I also only did one kasina segment.

I found myself in the same "something is drawing me in" place from equanimity, and did a better job (I think) of noting my way through it. That said, nothing significant became of it aside from a more complete sense of not being embedded in the stuff that was swirling around me. In general, I managed to be much more precise and consistent with the noting throughout the whole two hours.

I did not mention it last time but both sessions presented that "iron ball in the throat" thing that I have been having fairly regularly. This tends to precede the big equanimous space I land in, usually by noting the sensations of the ball, deliberately lengthening my spine, and letting it work itself "up".

But otherwise, still on the peon side of the stream.

You're doing great, Tomo. This is first-rate practice. "Precise and consistent with the noting throughout the whole two hours" is music to my ears. Here's a game to play: See if you can keep practicing like this without getting stream entry.

Kenneth

"Here's a game to play: See if you can keep practicing like this without getting stream entry.
"

Uh, no thanks. Life is too short to try *not* to wake up.

But thanks also for the encouragement.

"You're doing great, Tomo. This is first-rate practice. "Precise and consistent with the noting throughout the whole two hours" is music to my ears. Here's a game to play: See if you can keep practicing like this without getting stream entry.

Kenneth"

Ha! That's perfect.

A 30m session this morning, significant only in that this is (I think) the first shorter sitting session were I reached the "iron ball". It was near the end, and was still there when my alarm rang. It took a few minutes more to work it out and I felt a cool rush up the back of my neck/head.

Last night's 50m was with no less than three distinct iron-ball periods, the first occurring within the first 10m. I don't know whether I have opened something up, or it is just "a thing". Each time, I investigated it closely, seeing the tension in my neck/throat that causes the sensation. I see it dissolve, I see the various blips and blurps in my scalp and inside my head as space gets big. At one point, a very strong sensation of being pulled into darkness that wasn't really dark because there were a lot of reddish pixels swirling around as I looked at it closely.

I also tried Tarin's thing of rapidly switching between focusing on something inside my chest and something outside (my inner ear sound). Couldn't do it without making my eyes "look" this way and that, so it was painful and annoying.

50m sit last night, and I am back to thinking I don't get this whole noting thing at all. Couldn't get any rhythm, and felt as though I am fooling myself thinking that I can "precisely and consistently" note my mind states, especially at a rate that is going to make a difference.

Fossilized idea alert! Better is not the enemy of best. It "makes a difference" if you note even once a day, for one single mind-moment. Slightly better would be twice a day. Three times? Now we're getting somewhere.

As far as the optimum pace for noting, it varies with the mind state you happen to be in. Generally speaking, if you can note once every second or two, you are maximizing your potential for progress. If you can sustain that pace for five or ten minutes, that's fantastic. If you can do it for ten minutes several times a day, you are a very serious yogi.

I know that Daniel advocates noting very fast. I disagree. It's not about fast, it's about constancy. Have you ever noticed that Daniel has a lot of energy? What works for him may not work for you.

It's not about hare, it's about tortoise. See how much you can keep up the gentle pressure of mindfulness throughout the day. How many times can you remember to return to the noting after getting lost and how long can you sustain the noting at a nice, comfortable pace?

It's like the difference between a quick thunderstorm and a gentle rain that lasts all day. A quick thunderstorm dumps some water over you and then quickly dries. But a gentle rain that lasts all day will get you very wet.

Constancy, not heroics.

If doubt arises, see it as an opportunity. Doubt is a good, clear object. Note "doubt," and see if you can become the world's foremost authority on what doubt feels like to you. If dullness arises, note "dullness." Personally, I love dullness. Great object! I like to note "dullness." It makes me laugh. Then I note "amusement." And the beat goes on...

Kenneth

Thank you, and I really appreciate the suggestions.

But (you knew there was going to be a "but") when we are talking about sitting 30, 40, 50 minutes at a time, noting single mind-moments during the day is a bit...elementary. As noted (heh heh) by yourself, Chris, and others here, noting is a super effective scalpel for first gear practice. So while I get that I need to be mindful throughout the whole day (I still have a recurring mindfulness reminder on my laptop that goes off every 15 minutes), when I sit down and really, truly, focus on *practice*, I want that effort to be "heroically constant". Do the job, and do it well.

And if I take away that noting once every second or two is totally, utterly, maximizing my potential for progress, that is something I did not know before and I am glad I posted what I did.

I am spinning off a separate related thread to noting terminology.

Another weekend opportunity to do a mini-retreat as the family was away. All good intentions aside, the "chore" part of the weekend took over a lot of sitting time (or made me so freaking tired that sitting was the last thing I wanted to do). Nonetheless, I did get in 5 hours or so of sitting. Worked on noting, and found that elusive at times. Other times, I got well into what I call my equanimity and really found "slippery mind" to be an issue, where I would slip off into a story more often than I would have liked. Interestingly, most times that I came back to the present, I felt a big "rush", rapture and head pressure.

But then, as Kenneth reminded me on our talk yesterday, whatever happens "is right". Just note it and move on.

And on the topic of noting, through an exercise he did with me it became obvious that I am pretty embedded in the "feeling tone" layer. I was pretty flummoxed when I had to vocalize my sensations and their feeling tones. The point I want to make here is that the exercise of noting *out loud* really added a new dimension that I was unprepared for. I just now did another sit for 20m, again noting out loud with feeling tone modifiers, and it sure gets you engaged in a hurry. I plan to include this (vocalizing) as part of my regular sits for a while to see if it helps jack up my noting expertise a notch or two. Highly recommended.

After spending the last several days practicing noting technique (with vocalization), trying to get more fluid and precise, esp. with respect to feeling tones, I switched gears last night and reverted to concentration practice because I am finding equanimity to be more elusive when I am just noting. I have also begun experimenting with doing an out-loud resolution at the start of a sit to outline the "goals" of the sit.

Anyhow, 50m of very deliberate focusing on the breath. Within the first bunch of minutes (10-15?) I am finding much more distinct stages of deepening concentration, starting with surges and raptures, getting to large, spacious, and deeply still states. I recognize the latter as my equanimity. Once there, I begin to note, and find I am battling some slippery mind as I get wound up in a story or two. Back to the breath, met with big rush-like feelings. Back to the still place eventually, seems even more still. I found that if I then note more "delicately", I can stay here and still feel/note the various sensations, pains, and vibrations (in my hands, particularly) without losing the stillness.

Also, I felt that I was way up in a tiny corner of my head looking down, and "see IT sit" did not feel contrived and artificial. A really distinct sense of a watcher (rare for me). I could easily have stayed this way a long time.