Marc's practice notes

[b:2u94hfg0]Jun 3 2012, 2:22 PM EDT[/b:2u94hfg0]

Yesterday I had 3 sits: 50 min, 60 min and 30 min. I also had a Skype chat with Ron, which was very motivating and clarifying.
This morning I sat 60 minutes, and tonight 60 minutes as well. I'll briefly describe my last sit:
I started with breath concentration. my attention wandered off several times. There was some mild tingling and a bit of flickering. After 10-15 minutes of sloppy concentration I switched to noting out loud. After 5-10 minutes (?) of 'difficult sensations (a lot of discursive thinking, back pain, itches, etc.) there was some sort of shift and I felt more calm and less bothered. This calm feeling increased, and gradually the mind became more quiet and the physical discomfort decreased significantly. I noticed relaxation, wonder, investigation. At this point the speed of noting was quite fast (for me): about 1-2/second). Then gradually I let go, and put in less effort, and the speed of noting went down. I noticed more vibrations and the humming background noise became more notable. I let go even more and eventually stopped noting entirely. I became aware of pressure in my head (mostly at the third eye and in the middle and top of my head). Initially it felt pretty solid, but then I noticed that it was vibrating very subtly. There was a short building up of energy, and I noticed excitement and anticipation. A few times my body tensed up a little bit, and I immediately noticed that and then my body relaxed again.
Eventually I got up because I have to do some school work, but I really felt like staying on the cushion...

[b:20xizrec]Jun 7 2012, 5:10 AM EDT[/b:20xizrec]

I just sat for 85 minutes. Started with breath concentration, and after 10-15 minutes I switched to noting out loud.
While concentrating on my breath, I noticed some flickering light and tingling. When I started noting, I noticed fear, worrying, remembering thoughts, regret, shame, anger. Also itches, stinging pain in my back, mapping thoughts, doubt, interpreting. About 10 minutes after I started noting, I noticed acceptance, calm, relaxation, relief, mapping thoughts, joy, and the pain in my body gradually disappeared. At this point I was noting pretty fast, and I started noticing vibrations and a humming sound. Very gradually the noting speed slowed down, and I noticed that the vibrations were getting more intense and predominant. Then I noticed pressure on the right side of my head. It became more intense, and when I kept my attention on it, it started to feel vibratory. I stopped noting, and the vibrations intensified even more, and a few times I noticed energy building up and anticipation. The rising and falling of my abdomen seemed to add more energy to this. The vibrations, mildly flickering sight, and the humming sound seemed to 'merge', and I noticed excitement and hope. The tension in my head (also in the third eye area and top of my head) had broken up into vibrations, which felt very pleasant. Eventually everything seemed to settle down, and I just enjoyed sitting, which still felt very buzzy.

[b:1uymww1a]Jun 14 2012, 4:52 AM EDT[/b:1uymww1a]

Wow, it's been a week already since my last post. Here's a new update.
The last couple of days nothing much has changed in my sits. There is, however, some more impatience and boredom. When I'm in what seems like Equanimity, I keep on noting, and try to gradually let go, slow down the noting. If the vibration starts getting more intense/predominant, I let go even more, until I stop noting entirely. Some sits this works, and eventually I'm in a very vibratory, open and alert state, but sometimes this results in a relaxed and semi-spaced out state, where I gently drift off in thoughts. The last possibility is that I start getting bored before or just in Equanimity, and I get up before everything really starts to vibrate etc. Some days I'm full of hope and confidence in the path, but other days I'm convinced that it (stream entry and beyond) is never gonna happen.
I still sit every morning, but there's less motivation to also meditate in the evening or afternoon. Plus I'm pretty busy with school. Hopefully study pressure will get less in a few weeks.

[b:1yzgi8kf]Jun 15 2012, 3:37 AM EDT[/b:1yzgi8kf]

Yesterday I meditated for 25 minutes. I noticed a lot of impatience and aversion, and got up before reaching my cutting edge.
This morning I had a 60 minute sit. First concentrated on my breath for about 15 minutes. I felt pretty focused, and at a certain moment I noticed some tingling and flickering.
I switched to noting out loud. There were lots of thoughts: remembering thoughts, planning thoughts, regret, self-judging, fear, worrying, fantasizing. Also quite a lot of itches. After a short time I noticed an increasing sense of calm and acceptance. I noted curiosity, joy, relaxation, mild tingling, buzzing, ringing, mapping thoughts, wondering what to do. After about 10 minutes I slowed down the speed of noting, and I noticed that the calm feeling became stronger, and the vibration, flickering and buzzing also increased. Eventually I stopped noting, and I just let everything happen. There was a bit of pressure in my head, which felt slightly vibratory. Now and then I noticed some thoughts, but the thinking was much less predominant than usual. A few times there was some anticipation and hope. Twice I noticed that my visual field became dark, followed by flickering lights.

[b:jco72fjr]Jun 20 2012, 2:45 PM EDT[/b:jco72fjr]

Saturday I had a Skype chat with Ron, which was very motivating. I had some doubts about whether I was getting stuck, but Ron assured me that I'm still making progress. I should add that these doubts don't have a big impact on me: I'm feeling very relaxed and , well, equanimous lately, also about my practice.
This morning I sat for 50 minutes, and I just had a 60 minute sit. First I concentrated on my breath for 10-15 minutes, then noted out loud.
The last 30 minutes or so were very calm, vibratory and spacious. I let go gradually, noting slower and slower, until I stopped noting entirely. It felt like everything was buzzing/vibrating, while I just watched it all. There was some thinking, but I didn't space out or get distracted by thoughts. I noticed a bit of boredom and thoughts about what to do.

[b:26xjf3sx]Jul 3 2012, 2:29 AM EDT[/b:26xjf3sx]

The last two weeks my practice has gotten a bit les consistent. In many sits I got up before the timer went off and I rarely meditated twice a day.
This morning I sat for 55 minutes. First I concentrated on my breath for about 20 minutes, and then I started noting out loud. The last 25 minutes or so I noticed that my body felt very relaxed and my mind calmed down significantly. Gradually I noticed more and more vibrations, and the last 15 minutes I didn't note anymore, as it was getting a bit in the way of noticing all the vibrations. There was also pressure around my third eye area, which still seemed pretty solid.

[b:12go42fx]Jul 16 2012, 3:17 AM EDT[/b:12go42fx]

I just had a pretty typical sit: 60 minutes, first concentrating on the breath, then noting out loud. The last 30 minutes of the sit I noticed more and more vibrations, and I gradually let go of noting. There was some anticipation and excitement, and some pressure in the middle of my head. Towards the end of the sit I started to feel some impatience and restlessness.

[b:1s00c1me]Jul 19 2012, 2:49 PM EDT[/b:1s00c1me]

This morning's sit, there was more impatience than usual. The last 20 minutes, as I noticed more acceptance and relaxation, I didn't really know what to do: continue noting at the same speed or letting go and gradually stopping noting? I didn't feel what was the right thing to do.

Lately, when I'm meditating, the nanas are less clear to me than before. Most of my sits the only thing I can identify pretty confidently is equanimity.

The next 3 days I'm going to have a 'mini parttime retreat' at home, sitting at least 4 hours a day and doing some work in the garden.

[b:3vhq2846]Aquanin
Jul 19 2012, 2:54 PM EDT[/b:3vhq2846]

"Lately, when I'm meditating, the nanas are less clear to me than before. Most of my sits the only thing I can identify pretty confidently is equanimity.
"
That happened to me before both paths. Keep cookin.

[b:2ovgy62a]Sep 6 2012, 2:45 PM EDT | Post edited: Sep 6 2012, 2:47 PM EDT[/b:2ovgy62a]

Some people might have noticed that I haven’t posted for a while. I’ll try to explain what’s been going on.
When I just started my practice log, my progress was pretty fast. I went through the dark night pretty quickly, and when I had my first taste of equanimity, I hoped that I would ‘enter the stream’ within a few months. At the same time, there was some other stuff going on in my life. I finished my master’s thesis and started another master’s program, which felt pretty exciting, but also stressful. And all this time, there was something else that caused quite some stress. In the last three years, my wife was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder. Of course, her problems also affect my wellbeing a great deal. In fact, the stress of being in a relationship with such a troubled person is one of the reasons that I started meditating. I hoped that I would become more patient and calm in difficult times, that I would become some kind of enlightened ‘super husband’. But meditating and following the path of liberation also became a way to run away when dealing with my wife gets difficult.
At the end of spring/beginning of the summer, I started to feel like my meditative progress was stagnating. On the KFD forum I saw other people blazing through the ñanas, and there I was, stuck at re-observation/lower equanimity. I started to feel a bit ashamed, not only for being less successful at meditating, but also for not being an active forum member. And now I haven’t posted for almost two months…
I decided to share all this personal stuff on my practice thread because I think it’s relevant to my meditative practice. When my wife is going through a difficult period, this also really affects me, and of course my practice. I hope that sharing this here will help me to be more honest about my practice and about the obstacles on my way. I want to start updating my practice thread regularly again, so I can benefit from the support from other yogis, and to help other people who are going through similar stuff.

[b:pcq5zqdn]Aquanin
Sep 6 2012, 3:17 PM EDT[/b:pcq5zqdn]

Glad to see you back, Marc. I think realizing and recognizing all the troubles you are speaking about it a great step in being able to work with it in your practice and in life in general. I am sorry to hear all that you are going through, I have dealt with similar stuff first hand. Good luck, and keep us posted.

[b:2xw78syj]nadavspi
Sep 6 2012, 6:59 PM EDT[/b:2xw78syj]

Marc! I was wondering where you've been.

[b:i56lh8bq]kennethfolk
Sep 7 2012, 12:15 AM EDT[/b:i56lh8bq]

Thanks for letting us know what's been going on for you, Marc. It's good to have you back.

[b:1qf66h7l]Sep 7 2012, 3:08 AM EDT[/b:1qf66h7l]

Thanks for the welcome back!
In the last two months, my practice hasn't really changed. I still meditate once or twice a day, and I've had regular Skype talks with Ron: he's been very supportive.

I just meditated for 50 minutes. I concentrated on my breath for about 15 minutes (not at my stomach anymore, but now at the nostrils). There were a lot of thoughts rushing through my mind, but I did manage to keep my attention on my breath. At a certain moment my experience seemed a bit 'fluid', which felt very pleasant. After switching to noting aloud I still noticed lots of thoughts, mainly about the future and remembering thoughts. There was also some fear. The thoughts then became more chaotic, and it was hard to keep track of everything. Then suddenly I noticed that, although nothing had really changed, I was feeling totally okay and calm. My mind gradually became more still and I was really enjoying sitting and just being present. I noticed some subtle vibrations, and quite naturally, I stopped noting out loud, but I continued noting silently. After about 10 minutes, I noticed that my mind and body became more restless again. I really wanted to get up or just move my legs, and there were more thoughts again. I checked the timer, and saw that I had 5 minutes left, so I decided to wait for the end of the timer. The last 5 minutes passed pretty quickly.

[b:38zxe2ft]jgroove
Sep 7 2012, 7:04 AM EDT[/b:38zxe2ft]

Marc,
You're describing what you see as your own lack of progress, but in fact you're actually describing a greater degree of insight into your own intentions. That seems like a very significant form of progress to me.
Here's another extremely valuable insight:
"On the KFD forum I saw other people blazing through the ñanas, and there I was, stuck at re-observation/lower equanimity. I started to feel a bit ashamed, not only for being less successful at meditating, but also for not being an active forum member."

What's the point of any of this if it becomes just another source of suffering and self-flagellation in your life? Really seeing the pain of this and refusing to participate in it anymore also represents progress, seems to me.

[b:1gxjlil3]RonCrouch
Sep 7 2012, 12:48 PM EDT[/b:1gxjlil3]

Marc I want to say THANK YOU for posting such a courageous description of your path. I suspect you aren't the only one who experiences this kind of thing and feels discouraged when they read about other's swift progress. By posting this you are helping others - I have no doubt about that!

[b:3ju5mlwq]Sep 10 2012, 3:16 AM EDT[/b:3ju5mlwq]

Thanks for the encouragement, Joel and Ron! Joel, I guess you're right when you say that progress is also about being aware of pain and difficulty. But I think it's also important not to hide away from other people when things get rough.

This morning I sat for 50 minutes (15 minutes concentrating on my breath, then noting). About 10 minutes after I sat down, I noticed a bit of tingling and flickering light. When I switched to noting, I felt very relaxed and calm. After a while there were some future related thoughts and worrying, accompanied by tension in my stomach. Then all of a sudden I felt very sad, without an apparent reason. I also noticed irritation, feeling disgusted, frustration, again some fear, and restlessness. Then suddenly I felt totally okay with everything, and gradually my mind became more still. Then I noticed some boredom, but after some minutes the boredom disappeared and I felt great, in a very calm and relaxed way. I also saw some mild flickering. The noting dropped away very gradually. The last 5 minutes there was some impatience.

[b:idrjwmqj]Sep 11 2012, 3:25 AM EDT[/b:idrjwmqj]

Last night I had a 45 min sit, and I just sat 50 minutes (first concentrating on my breath, then noting). It was a difficicult sit, my mind was very scattered, and I didn't feel very present.

[b:q5h36xkz]Sep 17 2012, 2:07 AM EDT[/b:q5h36xkz]

Nothing much has changed since last week. I'm still sitting once or twice a day, and towards the end of every sit everything gets spacious and I feel very calm and equanimous. This tends to last for about 15 minutes, and then the calm gradually disappears and there's more impatience. I've noticed that in my evening sits I get to my cutting edge much faster. Most morning sits are 45 minutes, and evening sits typically don't exceed 30 minutes. I think I should try to sit longer.

[b:zybwtl0q]Sep 21 2012, 3:03 AM EDT[/b:zybwtl0q]

Yesterday morning I meditated for just 30 minutes, because I suddenly had to go to the toilet. In the evening there was some heavy emotional crap off cushion, which was so tiring that I didn't sit after that.
I just sat for a bit more than 40 minutes. I started with concentrating on my breath for about 15 minutes. At the end of that there was a tingling feeling all over my body, which felt very pleasant. I started noting, and felt a bit spaced out. Then there was a lot of mental activity: rembering thoughts, worrying, confusion, and more stuff I didn't remember. The last 15 minutes I noticed a lot of vibrating and tingling sensations, and I felt pretty calm and relaxed.

[b:3mwrxi7k]Sep 29 2012, 4:09 AM EDT[/b:3mwrxi7k]

I Just meditated for 50 minutes; 15 minutes breath concentration, 35 minutes noting (mostly aloud).
I could stay with the breath pretty easily, and after about 10 minutes I noticed some tingling. When I switched to noting, there was some more tingling, followed by shivers and coolness. Then I noticed a lot of future thoughts, some worrying, and more mental activity. About 15 minutes before the end of the sit I suddenly felt very calm and accepting. The mental activity subsided a bit and I noticed a lot of mild tingling and vibrations. I could have sat longer, but when I heard my timer bell, I got up. It's probably a conditioning thing. Tomorrow morning I'll set it at 60 minutes.

I've noticed that in my afternoon or evening sits, I get to equanimity much faster, and it feels much deeper than in the morning.

[b:6uqv4fni]Sep 30 2012, 4:38 AM EDT[/b:6uqv4fni]

20 minutes shamatha
40 minutes noting (first aloud, after about 25 minutes silently)

My mind was very active when I started cocentrating on my breath. There was a lot of thinking going on, and it was difficult to keep my breath on te foregroun of my attention. About 5 minutes before I switched to noting, there was a tingling feeling, as well as some moving lights in my visual field.
Late on, I noticed some anxiety and worrying, and tension in my stomach. Other stuff I noted: remembering, regrets, anger, judgments, sadness, tension in my chest. Then the speed of sensations increased, and my experience became very chaotic. After a few minutes I noticed that there was more calm, and I felt very accepting and open. The feeling of calm inreased and as I gradually let go of noting, the sounds I heard and the feeling on my skin became more and more vibratory. I also noticed thoughts about what I should do an mapping thoughts. Towards the end of the sit my mind became a bit more active again, and I noticed a bit of impatience.

[b:2m0mjrjh]kennethfolk
Sep 30 2012, 1:15 PM EDT[/b:2m0mjrjh]

Excellent report, Marc. Good, clear descriptions. Good technique. Keep it up. You mentioned in post 261that you felt discouraged by your lack of progress. You clearly have made significant progress, though, to be able to report like this. As for stream entry, I feel confident that you will get there if you consistently maintain this kind of effort. Momentum is everything. Keep your momentum high, not through heroics but through steadiness. Be present and aware as much as you can throughout the day so that when you sit down for your formal practice you are already warmed up.

[b:1p0eym7b]Sep 30 2012, 4:16 PM EDT | Post edited: Sep 30 2012, 4:18 PM EDT[/b:1p0eym7b]

Thank you, Kenneth, that's very motivating! Staying present throughout the day is something I tend to forget a lot...

I just had a 30 minute sit:
12 minutes shamatha
18 minutes noting (aloud for most of the time)
This sit followed exactly the same pattern as the sit I had this morning, except I went through the nanas much faster, and I was much more concentrated while doing shamatha.

[b:3eeehbc1]Oct 1 2012, 6:09 AM EDT[/b:3eeehbc1]

This morning I meditated for 60 minutes.
20 minutes shamatha
40 minutes noting (mostly aloud)

Concentrating on my breath was very difficult; my attention felt very scattered and there were a lot of distracting thoughts flying through my mind.
Noting was also more difficult than usual. There was a lot of aversion and impatience. I probably did get to low equanimity: at a certain point the aversion dropped away and I noticed more calm and acceptance. But my mind stayed pretty active, and after about 10 minutes all the aversion and impatience was there again. I did manage to stay on the cushion until the timer went off.