Marc's practice notes

[b:2yb8zdjy]May 11 2012, 3:53 AM EDT[/b:2yb8zdjy]

Just had a 60 minute sit. It was a pretty difficult sit: a lot of impatience and discomfort. Towards the end of the sit there was some relief and more acceptance. Usually I would consider this a 'bad meditation', but it feels good that I did stay on the cushion and kept noting.

[b:vc21f9st]betawave
May 11 2012, 6:49 AM EDT | Post edited: May 11 2012, 6:50 AM EDT[/b:vc21f9st]

Nice on both sits! It's not what shows up that's important, it's that you have those experiences. The experiences train you.

Progress seems very linear at first, then there is a period of "fixing up your weak links in the chain". You will feel like you are falling backward, but you are actually having the experiences that move you forward.

It's as if you are weightlifting and doing something like a power clean and jerk (that olympic move where weights are lifted off the ground and over the head). At first you might increase your weights in a linear way, then you might hit a wall for a little and your legs are sore or your back is sore or your arms are sore. Those bad feelings are the weak parts of the body getting stronger, even though they feel weaker.

Your mind is looking at old habits and patterns of avoiding. It feels like a "bad meditation", but you are seeing more clearly, waking up!

Be kind to yourself, let yourself have bad meditations, it's okay. You are actually making progress.

[b:1gnbuxq3]May 11 2012, 11:18 AM EDT[/b:1gnbuxq3]

Thanks Betawave, that's very motivating!

[b:3kdcahar]Aquanin
May 11 2012, 11:57 AM EDT[/b:3kdcahar]

Like betawave said: Great insight in post 223. Those are the kind of things that need to happen in order for things to 'pop.' Good work!

[b:1hveax4p]May 12 2012, 5:22 AM EDT[/b:1hveax4p]

Just had 60 minue sit.
Started with mahamudra noting. I hadn't done this in a while, and it felt pretty good. Felt very calm and relaxed.
Then I switched to regular noting (out loud). Very soon I noticed a tingling wave, and I sawe some flickering light. Then there was coolness, some confusion, feeling relaxed. Worrying, planning thoughts, stress, remembering, regret. After a while I started to feel quite impatient, and my body felt restless. Also pain (stinging) in my back. This didn't last long: I started noticing acceptance and relaxation. The pain was gone and there some mild tingling, and mild visual strobing. About 15 minutes before the end of the sit I noticed impatience again, along with restlessness and aversion. My mind became more active again. I checked the timer: 7 minutes left. I decided to keep sitting until the hour was over.

[b:15dak5ux]RonCrouch
May 16 2012, 11:57 AM EDT[/b:15dak5ux]

Welcome back to high EQ.

[b:2kbxh10s]May 16 2012, 2:05 PM EDT[/b:2kbxh10s]

This morning I sat for 45 minutes (I didn't have time to sit longer), and I just had another sit (just over 60 minutes). The last sit was pretty similar to the one in my last post, it only took a bit longer to reach high equanimity. At the end everything was vibrating, but there was no build up of energy. Just like yesterday there was a big pressure in the middle of my head, while everything was vibrating.

[b:12xq44qs]Aquanin
May 16 2012, 2:21 PM EDT[/b:12xq44qs]

Sounds like you are rocking it. Just soak it in and let it do it's thing. <!-- s:) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt="" title="Smile" /><!-- s:) -->

[b:1j3j3i9k]May 17 2012, 3:19 AM EDT[/b:1j3j3i9k]

I just finished a 60 minute sit. Ended up in Equanimity, but it was less vibratory and spacious than yesterday afternoon, probably because it was a morning sit. I'll sit again later this day, and we'll see what happens.

[b:3gfvl8tr]May 18 2012, 6:50 AM EDT[/b:3gfvl8tr]

Yesterday I had another sit of 35 minutes. I felt pretty tired and not very concentrated, and I stopped earlier than I had planned.

I just sat for 60 minutes. As usual, I started with mahamudra noting, then regular noting out loud.
The last 30 minutes of the sit I mostly noted 'vibrating'. When there was pressure, an itch, touch, or anything like that, I would note that and immediately feel it vibrating or tingling pleasantly. A few times I noticed anticipation and hoping, or some doubt, or fascination, curiosity. I was, and am still very aware of some sort of humming silence. Near the end of the sit the familiar pressure in my head showed up again. I noted it, but each time I feel this pressure, I'm not sure how to respond. I think I also noted this doubt. Just before the timer went off, the pressure became very intense and pretty irritating, a bit like a headache.

[b:1fefui5n]May 19 2012, 4:24 AM EDT[/b:1fefui5n]

This morning I sat for 60 minutes. It was pretty similar to yesterday's sit, but there was less pressure/tension in my head. Tonight I've got a Skype appointment with Ron; looking forward to it.

[b:18592055]May 22 2012, 4:35 AM EDT[/b:18592055]

I just sat for 60 minutes (15 minutes of mahamudra noting, then noting out loud).
It took a bit longer to reach my cutting edge this time, and I spent about 20 minutes in equanimity: all physical sensations felt vibratory, the background humming in my 'auditory field' became more noticable, I felt very relaxed and at times a bit buzzy. Now and then a memory of a recent event popped up and I felt very equanimous about these memories; my usual reactions to them seemed pretty silly. I felt very calm and okay with everything.

[b:epaszqcu]JLaurelC
May 22 2012, 8:12 AM EDT[/b:epaszqcu]

I'm having &quot;EQ envy&quot; just reading your reports. Enjoy!

[b:2i7er1hi]May 22 2012, 3:54 PM EDT[/b:2i7er1hi]

Ha, I wish I could share some equanimity with you! You're close to your next Dark Night now, right? That means EQ is also getting closer!

[b:9783vzar]JLaurelC
May 22 2012, 6:39 PM EDT[/b:9783vzar]

Maybe, but it may take awhile. We'll see. Last time it took months.

[b:2spen56e]May 23 2012, 2:01 AM EDT[/b:2spen56e]

Well, I think your first path showed that you've got the persistance and patience for it.

Yesterday afternoon I found a chapel on the train station, so I decided to meditate there for 45 minutes. There were two moments when I seemed to doze off for an instant, and the second time I wondered if it could be stream entry, but there was no bliss wave or anything like that afterewards. The rest of the afternoon I did feel remarkably relaxed and refreshed.

No changes in my evening and morning sit: still a lot of vibrations, but also some doubt and impatience.

[b:2nth58iz]May 23 2012, 2:29 AM EDT[/b:2nth58iz]

I keep nodding off or even falling asleep when I try to meditate in the train. Suggestions anyone?

[b:n21acauf]Aquanin
May 23 2012, 10:15 AM EDT[/b:n21acauf]

Note it <!-- s:) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt="" title="Smile" /><!-- s:) --> This is part of Equanimity, at least for me it was.

[b:2dqq4jfm]May 24 2012, 4:14 PM EDT[/b:2dqq4jfm]

Last night I sat just over an hour, pretty similar to previous sits. This morning however, the meditation was far more difficult: more impatience, discomfort and doubt, and I only sat for 50 minutes. This evening I tried another sit, but got up after 20 minutes. There's just way more impatience and a lot of doubts about my meditation. It feels like I fell out of equanimity, but hopefully I'm just having an off-day. We'll see how it goes tomorrow...

[b:9d74q5za]May 25 2012, 3:59 AM EDT[/b:9d74q5za]

I just meditated for 70 minutes. All the vibrations and pleasantness were there again, and the entire sit felt very relaxed and calm. The last 20 minutes of the sit I didn't note anymore, and the vibrations intensified and there were a few moments of anticipation, more tingling and excitement. At a certain moment it felt like my focus was expanding. At the end of the sit I drifted off a bit into thoughts.

[b:2x05kw5o]May 27 2012, 4:07 PM EDT[/b:2x05kw5o]

I'm still sitting twice a day, most of the sits 60 minutes. Off cushion, I feel really relaxed most of the time. I've got a sh*tload of schoolwork to do, but I just don't really care about is, even though I've got some serious deadlines coming up.
I just finished another 60 minute sit: 15 min. mahamudra noting, then noting out loud, and at the end I let go of noting. The last 30+ minutes of this sit were as usual: vibratory and buzzing, just sitting, now and then some intense tingling or building up of energy. Pressure in my head, which also vibrated a few times, but which felt mostly solid. I noticed some boredom, and doubts about what to do now. I never know when to stop noting and just let it all be, because sometimes the vibrations decrease when I do, but sometimes they increase. This time the intensity of the vibrations significantly increased when I stopped noting. My auditory field is still very buzzy.

[b:1ljt26io]May 29 2012, 3:04 PM EDT[/b:1ljt26io]

I just sat for 65 minutes. I started with 15-20 minutes of breath concentration. I had a steady focus and kept the attention on the breath the whole time. After a while I noticed flickering light and some mild tingling, which was very pleasant. When I switched to noting out loud, after a few minutes I noticed some worries, discomfort, mapping thoughts. Then I noticed a strange fantasy, along with disgust and repulsion. There was some impatience, but gradually it went away and my mind became more and more still. There was still a stinging feeling in my back, but when I put my attention on it, it seemed to vibrate. From time to time I noticed a bit of tewnsion in my forehead, but this also vibrated and pulsed. I constantly heard humming/buzzing and there was a fine and subtle flickering in my visual field. Now and then I noticed some boredom and wondering about progress, but most of the time there weren't many thoughts. The last 20 minutes I didn't note anymore, and a few times I noticed that the humming, flickering and vibrating/pulsing had the same speed, and when I realized this, it seemed to intensify. Eventually I got up, because I've got work to do, but it felt like I could have sat much longer.

[b:2llxn427]May 30 2012, 5:44 PM EDT[/b:2llxn427]

Last night I didn't sleep well. This morning I had a pretty 'decent' sit, but when I tried to sit tonight, I was way too tired, so I got up after 15 minutes.

[b:1zvetwnj]May 31 2012, 6:14 AM EDT[/b:1zvetwnj]

Meditated for 70 minutes. First 15-20 minutes of concentrating on my breath, then noting out loud, and the last 25 minutes I didn't note anymore.
The last 40-45 minutes of the sit I noticed a lot of vibrations, humming, buzzing, and mild flickering. The vibrations seemed to deepen, and at a certain moment it felt like my body was expanding and contracting at the same time, in a very vibratory way (hard to descibe). It felt very pleasant. A bit later my awareness seemed to zoom out, and it felt like I was aware of my whole body. There were a few moments of anticipation, where it seemed like some kind of pressure was building up. From time to time I noticed some vibrating pressure in my forehead and in the middle of my head.

It's a challenge to just let the meditation happen without interfering. That seems the right thing to do at this moment, but still I'm regularly wondering what I should do to progress further.

[b:c12njvcj]Jun 1 2012, 4:22 AM EDT[/b:c12njvcj]

The last few weeks I was feeling pretty relaxed and happy most of the time, but since a few days there's more dissatisfaction and grumpiness. Also, in my evening sits there's more impatience. Yesterday evening I stopped meditating after 25 minutes, but this morning I had a 'normal' 60 minute sit again: ending up with a lot of spaciousness and vibrations.