Marc's practice notes

[b:3roh0ef6]Apr 3 2012, 2:14 AM EDT[/b:3roh0ef6]

This morning I meditated for 50 minutes. First I counted my breath for about 15 minutes. I felt pretty calm, and eventually there were some tingling waves and I saw morphing lights. I switched to noting (out loud) and noticed coolness and more tingling, confusion, relaxation. After a few minutes there was some pain in my back, itching, anxiety. Then regret and sadness, annoyance, judging thoughts, pressure in my stomach, nausea. A bit later I noticed restlessness, itching, impatience, urge to get up; I stretched my arms and adjusted my position. After a while I noticed a calm feeling, relaxation, mapping thoughts, interpreting, relief. Not long after that my timer went off.

[b:zqxhp581]Apr 5 2012, 1:15 AM EDT[/b:zqxhp581]

I sat for 40 minutes this morning. Started with concentrating on my breath. Had a lot of of thoughts, and it was difficult to stay focused on my breath. After 10-15 minutes I switched to noting out loud. Still a lot of thinking, some itching, stinging, tension, impatience, mapping thought. Then some tingling through my upper body and flickering light, followed by more tingling and eventually coolness. I noticed confusion and doubt, and after a few minutes there were some worrying thoughts and a bit of anxiety. Pressure, tension, remembering thoughts, regret, sadness, hearin, interpreting, annoyance, anger, self-judgment, impatience, restlessness, urge to get up, tension in my back. Then I noticed a feeling of relief, and I wasn't bothered by anything anymore. I noticed acceptance and calm. Unfortunately at that moment I had to get up, because I had to catch the bus.

[b:1yxwkn6f]Apr 6 2012, 3:33 AM EDT[/b:1yxwkn6f]

This morning I meditated for 50 minutes. The first 10 minutes I concentrated on my breath, then I switched to noting out loud. About 10 minutes after I started noting, I saw some moving light and felt tingling. This was followed by coolness and feeling distracted. I had difficulty noting accurately. Then there was some anxiety and worrying, regret, remembering, shame, guilt. My left leg had fallen asleep and this really started to bother me, so I changed my position. Hearing, annoyance, judgment, anger, rising, falling, impatience, waiting. Acceptance, calm, waiting, mapping thoughts, relief, warmth, coolness, subtle tingling, vibrating, pressure in my head, wondering, investigation, curiosity, relaxation. Just before the timer went off I noticed some restlessness and impatience, and a bit of an urge to get up. I noticed relief when I heard the bell.

[b:19uo56h5]Apr 12 2012, 3:35 AM EDT[/b:19uo56h5]

I just meditated for 45 minutes. First I concentrated on my breath for about 15 minutes, but it was difficult to stay focused. I switched to noting out loud and after a few minutes there was some tingling and I saw light. Then there was coolness and noting became a bit more difficult. Remembering thoughts, image thoughts, planning thoughts, worrying, anxiety, remembering, regret, shame, judging myself, sadness, despair, image thoughts, doubt, restlessness, impatience, waiting, feeling tears in my eyes, wiping my eyes, changing my position (a very passive position; not a very good idea), calm, acceptance, drowsiness, forgetting to note, dozing off a bit. I checked the timer and decided to get up.

[b:1wj2gh5s]Apr 13 2012, 1:52 AM EDT[/b:1wj2gh5s]

This morning I sat for 45 minutes. First 10-15 minutes of concentrating on the breath. I had a pretty strong focus and eventually I switched to noting out loud. After a few minutes I noticed some very subtle tingling and intense flickering light. Then my body suddenly felt very cool and I felt deeply relaxed. There wasn't much to note,m but after a short while I noticed more thoughts, mainly planning thoughts and mapping thoughts, and there was some anxiety and doubt. Then I remembered something and felt regret and guilt. Mapping thoughts, interpreting, hearing, recognizing, annoyance, becoming very aware of my body (in a mildly negative way). Impatience, restlessness, tears in my eyes, wiping them off, tension, pressure. Then I noticed that I wasn't bothered by all this anymore, although it hadn't stopped. After a few minutes I noticed more calm and relaxation, and a bit of vibrating throughout my body. This didn't last very long, and I noticed impatience, itches and restlessness. After a few minutes I checked the timer and got up.

[b:2tek4zbf]Apr 14 2012, 6:03 AM EDT[/b:2tek4zbf]

I just sat for a bit more than 50 minutes. 15 minutes of concentrating on my breath; I felt very focused and relaxed. I started noting out loud and noticed tingling in my upper body and very intense light. Coolness, not knowing what to note, pleasant, relaxed, waiting, future thoughts, worrying, regret, remembering, shame, tension in the area between my stomach and chest. Hearing, annoyance, judging myself for feeling annoyed, anger, disgust. Then some tingling and a general sense of chaos, like there was too much going on to note. A bit of restlessness, fear, anger, irritation, waiting, tension in my back. Then acceptance, interpreting, mapping thoughts, calm, relaxation, curiosity, investigation, doubt, subtle tingling, vibrating. After about 10 minutes the timer went off. I waited for a few minutes and then I got up.

[b:v7hw0cfp]Apr 15 2012, 3:07 AM EDT[/b:v7hw0cfp]

I meditated for almost 50 minutes this morning. Started with breath concentration, then noting out loud. I ended up in a very spacious and relaxed state, where I mostly noticed vibrations (itch - vibrating, warmth - vibrating, touch - vibrating, hearing - vibrating, etc.). At a certain point I stopped noting, but then I started spacing out and wandering off.

[b:1h8au2bg]Apr 19 2012, 2:17 AM EDT[/b:1h8au2bg]

This morning I meditated for a bit more than 40 minutes. I set the timer at 45 minutes, but after a few minutes I heard my cat outside, so I got up and let him in. There were 40 minutes left on the timer and I started concentrating on my breath again. After about 5 minutes I switched to noting out loud, and I noticed impatience, tension, pressure, itching, pricking, annoyance, remembering, hearing, interpreting. Then there was some tingling, which felt pleasant, and I saw some light. Coolness, slowing down, waiting, mapping thought, worrying, pressure, remembering, regret, sadness. After a while I noticed an urge to get up, impatience, restlessness, chaos in my mind, difficulty keeping up with everything, annoyance, mapping thoughts. Then I noticed that it didn't bother me anymore; I noted calm, acceptance, interpreting, mapping thoughts, relief, confusion, doubt, relaxation, pleasant. After a few minutes I noticed that my body sensations started to vibrate, and I noted curiosity, investigation, mapping thoughts. Not long after that the timer went off and I got up.

[b:1t2ubgzr]Apr 21 2012, 1:32 AM EDT[/b:1t2ubgzr]

I just meditated for 40 minutes. Started with counting my breath, did this aprox. 15 minutes, felt some tingling and saw some light, then switched to noting out loud. A bit of tingling, very subtle, seeing light, then feeling relaxed, not really knowing what to note. A bit of coolness, then worrying thoughts, thinking about a presentation I have to give next week, anxiety, pressure in my stomach. Then I remembered something, regret, sadness, disappointment. After a while sensations seemed to intensify, there was tension, pressure, itches, stinging, anxiety, annoyance, everything at a pretty high speed. Then I noticed my body was very cold, but it didn't bother me at all. I felt at peace and accepting of every sensation. I just sat and nothing much happened, and after a few minutes my body started to tingle/vibrate very subtly. Investigation, curiosity, mapping thoughts, vibration, some pressure in my head. After a while I started noticing restlessness and impatience. I waited a few minutes before I got up.

[b:29gxuak9]Apr 29 2012, 3:53 AM EDT[/b:29gxuak9]

Yesterday I talked to Ron (for the first time in about 2 months). Although I have been meditating each morning, I haven't felt very motivated lately, but talking to Ron really boosted my motivation. I'm going to keep up my journal again, and I'll try to post on a daily basis again.
This morning I sat for 40 minutes, noting out loud the whole sit. First there were lots of thoughts, pressure in my back, impatience and itches. Tingling, seeing light, coolness, slowing down, insecurity, more tingling (very intense), pleasant, remembering, regret, shame, doubt, annoyance, judging, shame. Impatience, restlessness, doubt, despair, waiting, tension, itches. The last 5-10 minutes: more acceptance, rest, mild tingling, relaxation. Then impatience and restlessness, and I decided to get up.

[b:1jgnxya5]Apr 30 2012, 3:38 AM EDT[/b:1jgnxya5]

I just sat for 45 minutes. First concentrated on my breath for 10-15 minutes, noted out loud the rest of the sit. The sit ended in a relaxed and calm state, but I didn't have the patience to sit longer.

[b:1jzcm62o]May 2 2012, 3:07 AM EDT[/b:1jzcm62o]

Just sat for 30 minutes. Very difficult sit: a lot of impatience, restlessness and annoyance, and I didn't manage to disembed. I'll try to sit again tonight.

[b:2i82zbdf]betawave
May 2 2012, 9:04 AM EDT[/b:2i82zbdf]

Do you feel like you are making progress? Was the difficult sit showing you something new? Seems like most of your other sits are following a pretty fixed pattern.

[b:347oq3jm]May 2 2012, 3:07 PM EDT[/b:347oq3jm]

It doesn't feel like I'm making progress lately. That's probably because I haven't been putting in as much effort as before. In february I started a new master's program and I'm doing an internship now, and this has caused some stress and anxiety lately, which is bleeding through in my meditation.

This sit didn't show me anything new; just that it's quite a challenge for me to just sit with all the difficult sensations. It seemed that I didn't get past the A&P in this sit, which eventually caused a lot of impatience and tension.

[b:coavgg5f]betawave
May 2 2012, 4:50 PM EDT[/b:coavgg5f]

No worries, when life gets more intense, it's a great time to practice. Bleeding through in meditation is actually a good thing, it allows you to look at those sneaky, normally-hidden sensations and make even faster progress. I'd take 10 awful 30 minute sits (where I'm clearly aware of stress and axiety and feeling like I never go past three characteristics) instead of 100 1 hour sits that seem to end in EQ (where I'm making lots of practice and mapping throughts, happy about my progress). Facing difficult emotions on the cushion is the easiest way to let them go.

Sometimes people get into kind of a twilight stage of practice where nothing is all that bad, kinda EQ like, but it's stagnant. >Years< can go by. This is especially true when people get "good" at meditation and learn a few tricks that make sits easier. We forget that progress isn't getting to some nice state, even if we can -- that's pretty much what we do in daily life off the cushion, that's normal life.

It's somewhat counter-intuitive, but practice on the cushion is about looking at actual flowing of sensations. Good or bad, they always have some kind of movement.

If we're >actively< doing disembedding, that's not quite right. The disembedding simply happens by watching sensations come and go, whatever they are. Once we get past the start up stage of meditation (where we need to learn how to actively disembed just to be able to sit for more than 15 minutes), next comes training the passive/automatic disembedding that comes from just being with the flow of sensations.

I usually have to remind myself to focus on the reality of the flow of sensations.

[b:3c55xmv5]May 3 2012, 4:18 AM EDT[/b:3c55xmv5]

Thanks, Betawave, that sounds very encouraging! Thanks to your advice, I just managed to keep my butt on the cushion for 50 minutes, even though it felt like I couldn't get past 3C's. I just noticed the sensations that presented themselves: tension, itching, hearing, pressure, stinging, pain in my back, urge to move, impatience, waiting, restlessness, warmth, seeing moving light, mapping thoughts, remembering, planning thoughts, etc.
It felt like a 'sh*tty' sit, but I'm happy I stuck with it.

[b:3bs2qu24]May 4 2012, 1:39 PM EDT[/b:3bs2qu24]

I just sat for 30 minutes. First concentrated on my breath for about 10 minutes, then noted out loud. a few minutes before I switched to noting, I noticed some tingling, and I had another few tingling waves while noting. They were very pleasant. Then i noticed coolness, still some tingling. Relaxation, planning thoughts, worrying, anxiety, fantasizing, judging. Remembering, regret, sadness, mapping thoughts, pain in my back. After a few minutes I noticed a relaxed and calm feeling, and gradually everything became calmer. I noticed subtle tingling, pleasant, mapping thoughts, vibrations, enjoying, calm, anticipation. Near the end of the sit there was some restlessness and pain in my back, and I started to feel a bit impatient. I checked the timer, noticed surprise and disappointment, and decided to get up.

[b:jpeechxf]May 7 2012, 1:36 AM EDT[/b:jpeechxf]

This morning I sat for 40 minutes. Started with breath concentration, noticed some minor tingling, and after about 10 minutes I switched to noting out loud. Noticed tension, itching, planning thoughts, anxiety, remembering, regret, shame, warmth, restlessness, impatience, annoyance, waiting, mapping thoughts, doubt, frustration. The last 10 minutes: acceptance, calm, doubt, interpreting, pleasant, strobing light, subtle tingling, vibrations, boredom.

[b:27y86w0g]RonCrouch
May 7 2012, 11:52 AM EDT[/b:27y86w0g]
It's awesome that you are getting these sits in given the demands on your time right now. Hang in there and keep building momentum. Right now it is more about steadiness and consistency than anything else. Very good reporting!

[b:225gjip3]May 9 2012, 2:57 AM EDT[/b:225gjip3]

Thanks for the encouragement, Ron! Unfortunately I didn't sit yesterday, but this morning I meditated for 55 minutes.
I just typed a report of the sit, but when I tried to post it, I lost the whole report, so I'm not going to write it all up again. It felt like a good sit, and it seemed to end up in (low?) equanimity.

[b:1i6om05b]RonCrouch
May 9 2012, 10:37 AM EDT[/b:1i6om05b]

No worries - impermanence at work!

Getting back into low EQ again means that momentum is building. Right now it is all about keeping the thing going and not letting up. Once you are in high EQ you won't have to worry about slacking off because you'll start skipping other things to sit!

[b:3sa50ive]May 10 2012, 3:19 AM EDT[/b:3sa50ive]

I just sat for 50 minutes: 15 minutes of breath concentration, 35 minutes of noting out loud.
It took unusually long before I noticed any A&P sensations, and I didn't reach equanimity. There was a lot of noise outside, because this week they've started renovating all the houses in my street. I hope tomorrow I can meditate before they start hammering and drilling.

[b:4d90pvgz]May 10 2012, 5:46 AM EDT[/b:4d90pvgz]

I just realized that while I'm meditating, often I'm waiting for specific sensations to occur (A&P, equanimity, etc.), and this way I'm rejecting that which is happening right now. It's difficult to stay aware of this mechanism while it's happening...

[b:dohxa1hf]betawave
May 10 2012, 6:31 AM EDT[/b:dohxa1hf]

That's an important insight!

"If I'm looking >for< something, I'm not looking >at< what is here."

"This moment, as it is, is the door to the door to the door."

[b:1uh56dq1]May 10 2012, 12:16 PM EDT[/b:1uh56dq1]

Again 50 minutes this afternoon. 10 minutes of breath concentration, then noting out loud. There was much less resistance against 'difficult' or 'unwanted' sensations, like pain in my back or feelings of fear and doubt. When there was aversion, I just noted it, without getting swept away by it. At the end of the sit I felt very calm and relaxed, it felt like my body was expanding (while at an earlier point it felt like my body was contracting), and there were vibrations all over my body. When I noticed pressure of tension, it would start vibrating/tingling. Everything was kind of buzzing. A few minutes before the timer went off, I decided to stop noting, but the effect of that was that my concentration started to get a bit weaker. My body still feels a bit tingly, and there's a pleasant buzz in my head.