Russell's practice thread

What a difference a day makes! Overall, I still didn't feel that great today, but went for a short walk to get lunch today and did some walking meditation (really just noting while walking) on the way there and back and felt much more chilled out. Then got home and got in 10 minutes before the family got home. In the 10 min session, got to A&P pretty quickly and stayed there just as they got home. Then after putting the kids to sleep I sat for 30 minutes more. This time, noting was still spotty but much better than before, hardly any slip-ups or distractions. I started getting very strange thoughts picturing myself out in the kitchen but it was like it wasn't me and I couldn't figure out who I was. Hard to explain. Really almost like looking at myself as a foreign being.

At one point i was getting itches so much that I couldn't note them fast enough, then I got the crazy involuntary facial muscle twitching like crazy for maybe 3-5 minutes which preceded some itches so bad I had to mindfully scratch them twice. Then when the twitches went away I got very blissed out, with what seemed like some bright lights. I was getting itches a bit but they didn't bother me, slight smile on my face, much more relaxed feeling, then I knew my timer was going to ring and it did at that moment. Also, noted a pitch change in my ear ringing, like I could hear ringing in my ears then all of a sudden it was like a pressure/pitch change to a much higher frequency.

Anyways, first time I have been back to feeling more blissed out and happy after a sit in a little while.

Similar sit from last night. Not noticing clear nana other than the later DN stuff grimacing, itching, facial muscle spasms, then what almost seems like dissolution follows, but i see lights, no joy like raptures, but a chilled out state. Noting itches etc still, but I am less tense. After the sit I was really chilled out and happy. For example, last week, if I would have watched TV and there was a loud party type scene, and I would have placed myself in that scenario, i would have actually felt anxiety and fear. Watching something like that last night, I was happy and chilled out, even imagining myself in the situation. So, I am not sure if it is just because I feel better physically after my cold, or I am moving past some of the DN stuff. Only time will tell.

Another note: I have asked Ron this question before but I thought I would see what you guys thought. Do any of you pre-path, or post-path people in retrospect feel like they are making all of this up in their head and that there is no way they can be progressing in this map almost exactly how it is spelled out? What I mean is sometimes I feel like there is no way I could be where I am at in the path, and that one day I am going to wake up and realize that I am pre A&P even, and that I was never even close to where I think (or was told) that I am. It's just so "unclear" pre-path it seems, sometimes things seem very clear, other times, not at all clear. It's almost as if the descriptions of the path can sometimes get in the way i guess. Am I the only one here that has these feelings?

Last night's sit was somewhat frustrating. Really because it was cut short. I was really starting to feel kind of vibrations throughout my whole body. More like tingles that I normally get in my hands and lower body, but I could recognize it everywhere almost. Got interrupted though. Kids again. I was trying to really expand my awareness and it was really making things pop out everywhere. like I could feel every single vibration. Still had a rough day with anxiety yesterday though. Its been on and off quite a bit

Last nights sit was very, umm, uneventful I should say. I was like I had itches like crazy for a few moments during the sit but other than that it was like I was just sitting. I some point I could sense myself almost trying to make something happen, then realized it, and noted it and kept sitting. I felt like if I put any effort into focus on one particular sensation as a whole (like the ringing in my ears) I could get absorbed easily into a jhana like state. Other than that, I didn't get a sense of going through the nanas hardly at all other than the major itching that just kept popping up all over the place and disappearing. I'm not sure what's going on. I feel like I need to sit longer today, or for multiple times.

"Another note: I have asked Ron this question before but I thought I would see what you guys thought. Do any of you pre-path, or post-path people in retrospect feel like they are making all of this up in their head and that there is no way they can be progressing in this map almost exactly how it is spelled out? "

I have not been as clear about moving up the map as some people, plus my DN stuff tends to get all mixed together. But I really don't think I'm making any of this up. Right now the alternation between equanimity and DN is quite pronounced. I have the same confusion and uncertainty about the maps, though.

I guess that is what I mean, Things aren't nearly as pronounced as people's descriptions of the distinct stages, hence the confusion. On another note, something has changed in the last 2 sits for sure. I just sat again for 30 mins. It's almost if things got really boring suddenly. Like all I am doing is sitting. Starting to wonder, get lost in some thoughts, but my awareness seems clear. I'll sit again tonight to see if it is more of the same. Off the cushion, its like I am bi-polar. Literally within hours I can go from happy and accepting, to horribly miserable with anxiety and nausea, etc.. I finally get to speak to Ron again next week and boy do i need it. More confusion.

Confirmed. Another 30 minute sit tonight. 1 hour total today. Very odd. It almost feel like I can't see the nanas at all anymore, and I note kinda slowly lazily like Dissolution. Not a lot of bodily sensations to catch other than slight vibrating at the crown area and hands tingling. Dunno. Anyone have any ideas what I could be going through?

I sat this morning. This almost feels like I have shifted back to doing concentration practices. It's almost like I try to note but something makes me just go back to my breath and relax. Noted wanting to get up and stop right as the chime on my timer went off.

If feel like concentration is the right thing to do now, I'd say, go with it. I don't like to guess "nanas" but my experience of equanimity was also this sense of "hey, where did everything go??". I was actually disturbed by the disappearance of all the drama, especially of DN.

If gross sensations present themselves, note them, but otherwise, take this as a chance to start learning to just surrender. Sounds like everything is going according to plan!

But, of course, take Ron's evaluation over anything I say...!

Thank you Rob! That helps a ton. Tonight I will just go with concentration practice i think. What you describe is exactly what I have said to myself. "Hey, itches, where are you?" They still pop up ocassionaly but its so minor and rare that it just seems like "nothing" is going on. Really weird.

I tell you what. Off the cushion, I am shifting from, everything is fine to aww holy hell, here we go again (feel like crap, dark thoughts, dizziness, nausea) Could be my balance disorder talking but, hey at least some of the time things feel ok.

2nd sit of the day. 50 minutes today. This one was better. Took Rob's advice and built up some more concentration before starting to try to note. Began noting (Ron's advice was to still keep trying to note), hardly any itches anymore, some, but the immediately go away when i note them. Had some tingling around the forehead/crown and back of head. Could notice subtle vibrations of the sensations a bit more clearly. Had lots of lights (not rapturous) but seemed like big light it front of me that stayed there. When my timer went off I was very startled and when I opened my eyes the room was darker than with my eyes closed. However, still had trouble with drifting into some thoughts, but because of the built up concentration, i was able to catch them sooner I think. I feel a little dazed now.

Short sit this morning so far. Man, I am stupifyingly sleepy now. That never happens.

Everything you're undergoing now is the result of good, solid, practice, even the sleepyness and the "holy hell" times. Keep up the good work!

By the way, these bouts of sleepiness are a periodic, recurring, by-product of very good concentration, alongside slightly lagging enegry. A couple of times, at times like this, I had some good results by just noting, second after second, *how* sleepy I was. "I'm 70% sleepy". "OK, a little less sleepy". "Oooh- REALLY sleepy now!". Sometimes, the energy would eventually kick back in, and the sheer silliness of the game stopped me from feeling like it was this heavy, awful, thing dragging me down. Just an idea, in case it helps!

You are awesome Rob. Really, really helpful!

Total of over an hour today spread out between a few sits. The last sit tonight brought back some of the more familiar sensations but my awareness seems to catch them easier now, especially thoughts. My hardest thing to note before was if and when I had a thought. Now I can note and label them with ease. However, emotions are harder to note cause its all kinda just "chill" and even. Had some uncomfortable itches come up early in the sit but then things calmed down to more like tingles everywhere. Even had a bit of strobing like sensations in the eyes. Nothing going on in the crown area this time. I will play Rob's sleepiness game tomorrow if that reoccurs.

Also another note. I couldn't sleep well last night so I laid there and did concentration practices until I felt like I was about to go into a hypnogogic type state. My awareness of it would pull me right out and I would continue my concentration. This went on for a while until I remembered I had to get up at 5am so I flipped over and fell asleep but slept terribly.

Hey, it's opposite day again. Feeling good, alert and aware. Low anxiety, less drowsy. Still a little spacy and finding it hard to work or sneak away to meditate, but overall pretty good. It's so odd how things can fluctuate this much during this time on the path. Let's see what tomorrow brings.

I had what seemed like 10 short sits today, just couldn't find any more time to sneak away. However, I just had another 30 minute sit and it was very intense, in a good way. Started with concentration but my mind inclined to note on its own almost. I was very buzzy when I first sat down. Then I had lots of tingly itches mostly around my face and I would get massive bright lights and pressure, tingling vibrations in my crown. At one point it was almost overwhelming. Like a total assault on my forehead.

I also don't know if I am forecasting or projecting (but thats how I note these feelings) but I keep feeling like something is about to happen. I will get thoughts of posting about getting stream entry or talking to Ron about the "What was that?" moment but I am not grasping for it. This thoughts just happen. I note 'projecting thought' and similar when my mind thinks that way. I was just sitting in total awareness of everything in a way, still had some slippery thoughts and it seemed like i could only note some 'things' but i was really aware of many more. Really pleasant experience. I need to keep the momentum going. Definitely, doing some more concentration practice before bed and sitting multiple times tomorrow.

Note: Felt very chilled out and buzzy/vibrating, for lack of better words, for like 2 hours after my sit last night. Feel a little spacey today, have only had time to sit for 30 mins total today so far in short sits. Will have a longer sit tonight and a chat with Ron.

Similar sit from last night, however, I was pretty overwhelmed by some of the sensations as vibrations got very strong at some points. At one point i felt like I was contorting to my right almost folding in half. Very odd. Lots of tingling at the top of my head. Very chilled out afterwards but a little on edge. Dunno if I have slipped back to a little or things are just intensifying. The more I think about it I feel like I was shifting quite a bit. Would go from overwhelming to really calm and back and forth.

Spoke with Ron last night. I have to say, it is so helpful to have a teacher. Thank you so much Ron. He confirmed lower equanimity and told me how I need to handle things when the vibrations ramp up. Sounds like a tricky stage and I am hoping to not fall back again, but I am ok with whatever happens next. The trickiest part for me is the off-cushion cycling. It is very prominent and I can have full days where I sit in DN stages and some days where I am unaffected. Trying to just notice what is going on and not blaming health problems or anything else, just trying to note my way through it.

Terrible off the cushion day (anxious, dizzy, ears full). So I snuck away and sat for 30-40 minutes. Felt better initially but its creeping back up on me now.

I sat for over an hour today because I had a rough day (at least until about 6pm) off the cushion. Anxiety, dizziness, nausea'¦general fun stuff like i said above. Anyways, my 2nd sit just now, I got into a very calm state and inclined to slow the noting down and I just sort of automatically focused on the 3rd eye area cause it was buzzing and my noting somewhat dropped, then I felt like I got absorbed in a very wide state. I guess almost jhana like. Sort of like my head felt like it got absorbed starting from the crown and my field of vision got wider and it was a little intense but i remained calm and continued to sit through it and just notice things. My timer went off about 2 minutes after this, and I tried to keep sitting but I knew my wife was waiting for me in the other room so I slowly opened my eyes. Still Buzzing and vibrating as I type this. Not sure if I accidentally dropped the noting too soon and got absorbed into a concentration jhana or if I am doing it right and moving into higher equanimity stages. Any thoughts?

Only got to sit for 30 minutes last night. I am having a terrible time off-cushion today. Even had slight fever today. Last nights sit was pleasant overall, but Not as buzzy/vibratory as other sits. I was very distracted by a dog next door and a (really loud) party going on at another neighbors house. Hope to have a nice sit tonight, but I feel awful right now. It's a wild ride going from earlier this week all spaced out and uncomfortable, then ok with things, then dizzy and nauseous and miserable. Yeah, off-cushion, is rough to me right now.

Another sit tonight. Started with a little difficulty getting concentrated then started noting as usual. Didn't notice much DN stuff, although during the day its been terrible. Actually didn't notice many stages really. Just went into a pretty calm, easy to focus mode pretty quickly and remained their for most of the sit. I did get some quick bright lights and some occasional tingles/vibrations that kind of went around the back of my head. Finally settled even more and the noting kind of dropped on its own and i felt like I was just doing concentration practice again somewhat automatically. Very nice feeling and I wish I could have sat there for hours. However, life called as I have 2 sick kinds and I'm coming down with something myself. Will try to get more sits in tomorrow.