Russell's practice thread

Saw this quote from Kenneth in Antero's early logs:

"The transition from First Path to Second can be a very confusing time and the temptation to draw conclusions prematurely can be almost irresistible. It is so easy to "script" your own progress once you know the map. I'm not sure where you are right now, but it will become clearer over time. Keep up the excellent practice and the clear reporting (but be slow to draw conclusions)."

This rings very true to me as all of this is unfolding. I am just patiently waiting for a lot of this to make more sense. Each sit feels very different and it's a bit confusing. Follows similar pattern then kind of goes all over the place and andy real clarity fizzles out. Starts with itching and general uncomfortableness and last night moved to rapid flickering then to just "i don't know." Really lots of jumbled thoughts and visual imaging thoughts coming from all over the place. Very random and hard to note.

Was very tired for last nights sit so it was a bit shorter than usual but it what happen was slightly different, or faster per se. Started with pretty deep concentration, built up faster than usual, quick itches that disappeared faster than previous sits, then got quickly absorbed in 2nd jhana-like pleasantness rising from hands up through my head and stayed like that till it fizzled out after a couple of minutes. Then I had wandering thoughts and boredom and started nodding off so I called it a night.

Most of my weekend sits were very unfocused feeling and sleepy. Was figting off dozing off for the last 15 minutes of my sit last night. Not sure why I am so tired because I am usually not like that. Tried to open eyes, change position, note the tiredness but my head kept bobbing. Trying to get more sits in today.

I'm getting a lot out of your thread, Russell. I'm trying to get my groove back; seems like you've been really diligent about practicing through some awkward stuff. I will be interested to see where you go next!

"Most of my weekend sits were very unfocused feeling and sleepy. Was figting off dozing off for the last 15 minutes of my sit last night. Not sure why I am so tired because I am usually not like that. Tried to open eyes, change position, note the tiredness but my head kept bobbing. Trying to get more sits in today."

Sleepiness is often just a state that arises, nothing to do with actually needing more sleep. Besides opening eyes and bringing determination to the sit, I used to sit on the edge of a hard chair, since one then feels prone to falling off the chair if one falls asleep, which helped keep me more alert. In any case it always passed after a few sits. I may be the only one to say this, and it may not be appropriate in all cases, but I now just let whatever state come or go, including a variety of sleep-like/semi-conscious or unconscious states, and just don't worry about it. My guess is the brain is rewiring things and working stuff out, and all the various states are just side effects.

Thanks Laurel. Been a wierd ride this time around with a lot of confusion. What I thought was EQ a while back was probably me rapidly cycling in Review Phase B. Def on a new path now and Ron thinks I am in Dissolution/Fear, but the sleepiness as made it really hard to note so it feels like I lack of progress. Typical Dark Night stuff so I am not worried. Just a little frustration though, but I told myself to never go a day without sitting while I am on this journey and I have lived up to that resolution.

"Sleepiness is often just a state that arises, nothing to do with actually needing more sleep. Besides opening eyes and bringing determination to the sit, I used to sit on the edge of a hard chair, since one then feels prone to falling off the chair if one falls asleep, which helped keep me more alert. In any case it always passed after a few sits. I may be the only one to say this, and it may not be appropriate in all cases, but I now just let whatever state come or go, including a variety of sleep-like/semi-conscious or unconscious states, and just don't worry about it. My guess is the brain is rewiring things and working stuff out, and all the various states are just side effects."

Thanks for this!

My experience of Dissolution in first path involved sleepiness and inability to note. So if you're following that pattern, it sounds very familiar. Good luck with it.

"My experience of Dissolution in first path involved sleepiness and inability to note. So if you're following that pattern, it sounds very familiar. Good luck with it. "

Yeah, me too a little, but nothing like this Most of my DN symptoms came off-cushion the 1st time around.

Last nights sit was less drowsy. Still there but much less. I was able to get through the sit without wondering how long I had been sitting. However, it started with brutal itches that too several minutes to go away, then I felt joy and contentment as things settled, then the sleepiness settled in, but like I said before, it was no where near what it was the last few days.

Getting back my groove as far as the sleepiness is concerned. No sleepiness anymore, but some disturbing imagery popping up. Cycles feel like they are speeding up: the solid itches don't last nearly as long, brightness and pleasantness follows but it is mild, no raptures, later in the sit I started getting the disturbing imagery. This is weird and graphic, but I heard a dove cooing outside, then I pictured someone picking up and snapping its neck and the dead dove completely decayed on the ground. Then itches started again but much more rapid and I would note it, focus on it slightly, it would disappear and my attention would move to another itch that popped up. Then more morbid mental imagery of a bloody unrecognizable persons face. None of this imagery ever happened to me during 1st path. Interesting.

Whoa, getting into some very familiar DN territory now on the cushion. Just had a 35 minute sit that ended in some major face twitching, grimacing that was quite uncontrollable along with an almost sticky hot, sweaty feeling. Wanted to jump out of my body, felt gross. Anyways, I use my phone as a timer and when it went off i tried to stay in that state and take a picture of myself and it is quite hilarious to see myself with that terrible grimace.

It is affecting me off the cushion as well but in pretty subtle ways, like I catch myself about to say a rude comment about someone, or getting agitated easily. Not as much anxiety yet off cushion. Hopefully it remains that way.

My sit last night was less reminiscent of the previous sit. Less pronounced itches at the beginning, calmer, but I had more frustration at the end like I was loosing focus again and was wondering when the sit would end. Strange how it can change like this daily.

After listening to a lot of dharma talks lately, it seems, while this path is very similar to 1st, that I am starting to see these patterns of how I cause my own suffering more and more off the cushion than ever before. It may be related to where I am on the path, but its almost like I can see things arise and then how I hold on to them, react and subsequently suffer. Just seeing this process is helping me, however, I currently don't have enough distance from it to not get stuck in my patterns, but that will come with time.

Can't describe last nights sit very well. Got concentrated very quickly. Thoughts were less dominant. Seems to get quickly to pleasant sensations and brightness in the visual field which turned more into slight loss of concentration with kind of fizzy stuff going on in the periphery. and then itches, but the kind that pop up and when noted, disappear right away as another one pops up. Towards the end of the sit, I noticed these fade away and I was very calm, relaxed and started getting the familiar tingling at the 3rd eye and sort of realized I was not noting but noticing everything. Then I tried to just focus on the tingling on my forehead. Very reminiscent of EQ in 1st path, but it seems too fast to be there already, but time will tell.

Several sits this weekend. Saturday I was completely physically exhausted but tried to sit anyways and started nodding off and got very tired. Tried changing positions, even lied down. Stopped the session early and took a nap. Todays sit was reminiscent of EQ from first path again. After quickly going through some fast itching. Tingling in my hand turned into the feeling of disappearing of my hands and lower body. Not much to note, noticing everything around very quickly. Slight tingling at 3rd eye. Having some very weird not-self moments off cushion that are a little destabilizing. Wife will be talking to me and I am not sure who is taking in the information, or I can almost see the steps that is happening in my mind. Also, had this happen when I have something to say. It's like I can see the whole mental process - thinking -> analyzing content -> intention to speak -> speaking. Very strange and a little anxiety inducing.

Sit tonight was similar to yesterday. Seem to quickly cycle up to calm, content, nothingness, bored, a little sleepy, starting to get vibrations and some absorbed pleasant sensations when I really get concentrated. I remember flickering from last night but not tonight. Seemed to be able to switch to 2nd gear a bit like I am watching certain sensations (like pressure at 3rd eye) from a distance again.

Talked to Ron last night. Always a great help and motivation to keep on keeping on. Still having more and more of those weird not-self moment during the day. Hard to describe and a little awkward and destabilizing, but I am sure I will get used to it and hopefully more fascinated by it.

Just realized how much metta I had to the dukka this time around. Very weird, it doesn't translate completely off cushion but I hope thats what it leads to.

Those not-self moments sound scary but also very encouraging

Vibrations are back, they start pretty quickly once I sit and get situated. Got interrupted by my sick daughter many times during my sits last night but still pressed on. Lots of flickering and tingling going on. Not bothered by anything.

Sat for 35 minutes last night followed by another 20-25 minute sit. The vibrations at my 3rd eye were so strong I went back for more. They stayed even after I sat. The funny thing is I had a couple moments that almost felt like a cessation and almost exactly what started happening before first path. I was sitting, and my thoughts were in a different language suddenly after realizing this i got a bliss wave/chill type feeling. Same exact thing happened during 1st path. I think I am just accessing very subtle mind states that are bringing up things I have learned from years and years ago. Don't feel much different today, likely some kind of near-miss thing again.

Anyone get a lot of headaches at this stage?

Sat for 2 X 30 minutes last night. Heavy vibrations, flickering, a huge jumbled mess of incomplete thoughts sometimes, broadened awareness, no urgency for the sit to be over at all thought. A little ability of more 2nd gear pulling away type practice where I can watch things from a bit more distance. It almost deels like I had a cessasion during one of the previous sits and then again in last nights sit but I don't think they were. Kind of like dreamy then bam, back into the vibration stuff quickly with a little shiver, but I don't think this was path or anything. Very hard to explain.

3rd eye is buzzing so hard right now, i think i need to sneak away and meditate...like now.

A bit over an hour sitting yesterday. At some point I felt like the practice was really doing me instead of me doing it, although the wandering mind was chattering away, I just watched all of it without care. Off-cushion, I have energetic anxiety. This happened last time in EQ as well, not sure why. Having more weird moments once again that seem to be acting on their own. The waitress came by our table at lunch (had lots of anxiety) and asked if everything was ok and I nodded but in my head my mind just said "It is OK and it is not OK"

3rd eye still buzzing away....

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. All the best to you!