Records of a Reclus

7/19:

Lots of body pain, nausea, tension. Then kept catching myself lost in thought, would note "thinking" and come back to the breath. There was the feeling of the part that had been previously thinking being somehow apart from reality. After sinking back into the breath, would feel (and note) a blocked/tension sensation around the back of the pallet. Kept noting "blocked". Then felt some kind of synching up, in a subtle kind of way. Nothing hard. Sense of spaciousness, could sense thoughts happening in space. Sat in that for a while, noting "thoughts". Then this faded and went back to physical pain.

7/21 - 7/24:

Didn't have time to sit formally, lots of plans/meeting people. Tried to maintain mindful concentration at all times, moments of success and bliss during sort wit at the beach. Nature seems to make meditation both easier and more pleasant...

7/20:

Started with physical tension, pain. getting lost in thought. Would note "thinking" and "disappointment". Eventually realized that there was a pushing or a clenching going on behind these thoughts, a subtle desire to push the thought away, a kind of under-thought of "stop thinking!". Had insight that the pain I'd noticed yesterday was not, as I'd thought, cause by being lost in thought, but by pushing away the thoughts, by rejecting them. Decided to allow thoughts to exist as they do, and to simply redirect focus to the breath whenever noticing that I was thinking, allowing the thoughts themselves to carry on existing.

Later noted a release of muscles around where the spine meets the skull, feelings of clarity/water (something I'd felt before, but not recently). Feelings of joy and success, grandiosity. Thoughts turning toward progress, noted "measuring" "comparing". Feelings of depression lifting. Had the thought that maybe this is second path (if as Jackson guesses, I am in the early nanas)? Watched thoughts plans grand supreme future enlightenment. Noted "embarrassed".

Then attention dropped into chest, could feel/hear a thrumming sound, watched/felt/noted "thrumming", then attention slipped to abdomen. Then somehow lost in thoughts of the gulf oil spill, the desire to do something to help. Pain in back, stopped sitting.

7/25:

Most notes today were energy/thought focused. Lots of "planning" "dialoguing" "theorizing". Just let these thoughts be, while returning back to the breath. Its weird typing up all these notes together and seeing how consistent meditation seems to be, even though it doesn't feel like it at the time. "Fluttering" "rushing" "vibrations" lots of energy movements. Noting was slow, more focus on the breath. Noted maybe every 30 seconds or so, on average. Concentration came easy, breath was sweet. The sense that the breath noting was always on in the background, more that I had to tune back into it, rather than start anew. After the sit, no leg pain, nothing went to sleep. Felt very refreshed.

7/26:

Half hour sit at lunch. Very tired, personal/professional life choices are weighing very heavily on me right now. Mainly noted the breath and watched my thoughts move. Noted "thinking", but not as frequently as I feel I should have. Depression rather high, emotions painful in the body, overall heaviness and weight.

I did have the interesting insight that emotions seem to be just different kinds of energetic movement, and that to understand the movement/wavelength/pressure of the emotion is much more important than to give it a specific label and then try to deal with it as labeled.

Ended up sinking pretty deep, no bliss states, just fell into a sort of awake-while-sleeping feeling.

Ian, are you doing any sort of shamatha practice these days or just dry vipassana?

Mumuwu, really funny to check in and find your comment. I usually begin my sits focusing on the breath in my abdomen to get clarity/quiet my mind down. Sometimes I'll do zen style and follow the breath (which to me has been keeping a sharp focus on the space within which the breath moves), sometimes I'll just note rising/falling. I rarely notice any of the feelings that are associated with jana, and the concentration just seems to lower the noise level in my head, never quieting it completely. That only lasts for a few minutes and I usually quickly get the urge to move on with Vipassana. Sometimes I'll even find that the Noting itself puts me into a deeper concentrated state than the breath.

But last night, I attended a sit with a student of Reggie Ray's where he started out having us focus on the breath, then ride the breath (which to me had a similar feeling to floating in the ocean) and then invite our thoughts into the breath. This got me more focused then I've ever been and the weird thing was that it continued on after I stopped with the practice. The feeling of concentration usually breaks when my attention shifts, but not this time. I looked up and it carried right along without my attending to it. No bliss or anything, just a good solid steadiness of mind.

I did the same practice during my sit at lunch today (just got back from that) and I am still feeling a bit of a concentration buzz. Its a really pleasant solidness. But during the sit, I found that once I cultivated this, there was something in me that didn't want to turn back to Noting. For now, I'm going to keep trusting my instincts and practice like this while it feels right.

So it seems I have discovered a shamatha practice that works for me, just in time to find your question here! : )

Which leads me to reply, "why do you ask?" and do you have any pointers on developing it further.

The small amount of noting I did managed to get through today was a combination of bodily sensations (mainly tension/pain, a few relaxation/coolness/relief) and thoughts (judging/dialoging/philosophizing). Its strange to see these two happening simultaneously now, back and forth, whereas last week started with almost entirely bodily sensations and ended with mainly thinking notes.

Hi Ian,

Wonderful reporting! You're doing a really good job of keeping track of your experience, even with moments of discursive thought and philosophizing. Well done.

When you write about things like "thrumming" in the chest, and odd physical and mental pains, it still sounds to me like you're spending a lot of your time in the 2nd ñana (Cause & Effect) and the 3rd ñana (Three Characteristics). As always, I could be wrong.

Whatever the case, if you're stuck somewhere it isn't always due to anything you might be doing "wrong." Even when we practice correctly, it still takes time for the energetic anatomy to develop properly. If it were all about coming to intellectual or rational insights, than a lot more people would be enlightened. There's something about the physio-energetic make-up that lies beyond intention and intellection, and that's something that we have to come to terms with along the way.

Keep noting. Don't worry about nonduality or anything like that. You can use the three characteristics (inconstancy, suffering/stress, not-self) as a strategy for cultivating dispassion/equanimity, but don't think that it's all about understanding these concepts rationally. They're just a tool for letting go.

As Kenneth always says, "Constancy, not heroics." This is a truism. Keep it going, my friend, and keep us posted

Jackson

Thanks Jackson! I like that bit about developing the "energetic anatomy".

I am totally with you (and Kenneth) on this not being all about rationality and intellect. I just notes it as I sees it. : )

I do spend a lot of time thinking, so I'm not surprised to see it come up during practice. That's what seems to be what I find myself doing most often when i noticed I've forgotten to keep noting. Which means I must be more embedded at the level of thought, which MEANS, its a good thing it keeps coming up so that I can learn to disembed, : )

That's the second time you've mentioned the 2nd/3rd nanas, so I'm going to assume I'm somewhere around there, for the sake of having some sort of loose placeholder. Given what happened towards the beginning of my notes here, and over the past few years of meditating, I'm going to tentatively assume perhaps it I am working on second path, but that's not something I'm going to hold to too strongly.

After reading Mumuwu's "St Francis and the Sow" poem, I wanted to share something here that I was pointed to today. It was a blessing to read this:

The Guest House
by Rumi

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

"Given what happened towards the beginning of my notes here, and over the past few years of meditating, I'm going to tentatively assume perhaps it I am working on second path, but that's not something I'm going to hold to too strongly." ~Ian

It may or may not be second path, and it's OK either way. What matter is where you are today, and you're doing a good job staying with the practice. Keep it up!

Thank you for that poem, simply wonderful...

"It may or may not be second path, and it's OK either way. "

Indeed indeed. And thanks for the note Clayton, glad you liked the poem!

Notes for today:

Sat for about 45 minutes. Began with stating the intent to stabilize in the first janna (noticed my eyes flicked once after saying so aloud). Sat and focused on the breath, "rising/falling" and then switched to riding the breath. Mostly had a hard time with thoughts, though I did notice that my concentration stability dropped when the thoughts arose and would come back once they had passed. I've not experienced this directly before.

I started paying attention to the feeling a stability, and letting the thoughts go as they arose. I developed a kind of stuffy feeling around the head, the same as I'd developed Monday night at the guided meditation, though it wasn't as strong as it had been (perhaps because I was on my own?).

Then something made me turn my attention towards the center of my chest and I could feel all kinds of stuffiness there, kind of a dull ache. But out of that came a feeling of light bliss, something I would guess might have been 1st jana. It was fireworky, but kind of transparent, like ghost fireworks. I got excited and lost it, calmed down, and it came back, built a little strong, and kind of brought along that stuffy head feeling as well.

Then I dropped down a little deeper, into my abdomen and started feeling sleepy. What with August Leo's recent notes on dream work, I figured I'd watch myself fall asleep and see how long I could stay conscious. Don't know how deep I got, but there was a definitely underwater feeling and I lost contact with the visual field. Can't remember if my eyes were closed or not (they probably were, but I hadn't noticed it).

(cont)

Then I suddenly had a sudden strong urge to lay down. I lay on the couch in my living room and let go to drift off for a few minutes. There was a blip, which reminded me of a old computer monitor/TV screen being turned off (I even heard the little static cracklings that come when the screen's off). And I suddenly felt pretty good. Not great, no bliss waves or anything, just refreshed.

I stretched and got up to do some Chi Kung. And damn if it wasn't the best chi kung session I've had in a long time. HERE were the bliss waves and the joy, a feeling of energy and aliveness ebbing and flowing with each breath. A beautiful thing.

Now to each lunch at the office and go sit up in the stairwell. Back in a few...

Fantastic update!

"Then something made me turn my attention towards the center of my chest and I could feel all kinds of stuffiness there, kind of a dull ache. But out of that came a feeling of light bliss, something I would guess might have been 1st jana. It was fireworky, but kind of transparent, like ghost fireworks. I got excited and lost it, calmed down, and it came back, built a little strong, and kind of brought along that stuffy head feeling as well." ~Ian

Normally, I would say this sounds like 3rd ñana and early A&P, but it doesn't quite match. For one, the 3rd ñana is not usually dull, but rather sharp. The A&P is fireworky (as you said), but usually more potent. Not ghost fireworks - more like REAL fireworks. So, I'm inclined to think that this was 10th ñana (re-observation) transitioning into early 11th ñana (Equanimity).

"Then I suddenly had a sudden strong urge to lay down. I lay on the couch in my living room and let go to drift off for a few minutes. There was a blip, which reminded me of a old computer monitor/TV screen being turned off (I even heard the little static cracklings that come when the screen's off). And I suddenly felt pretty good. Not great, no bliss waves or anything, just refreshed." ~Ian

This gets me excited, Ian

That sounds like cessation/fruition. Very anti-climactic, but resulting in a more balanced, easy flowing energy. It's a positive side effect of completing, or review, a circuit. Well done.

You're going to have to see if you can review this, by simply practicing as you have been doing. Don't expect the "blip," or anticipation will get in the way. Just note "expecting" or "anticipating" or "excited" or whatever, and go back to paying attention to something neutral, like the breath.

I can't wait to read the next installment!
~Jackson

Another one??? Awesome. Eyes glued to this thread!!!

And the "bliss" that comes after a fruition is probably not what most people would consider "bliss" to be. It ain't exctasy bliss, nor ejaculation bliss. It is more like a "refreshing' coolness bliss.

Keep on keeping on Ian

"Another one??? Awesome. Eyes glued to this thread!!!" ~Nick

I know, right? Best dharma site EVER.

Go Ian!

It does sound like what I experience as a fruition. Almost like a reverberation of quiet energy moving through me. Always happens right after the "click". Then it seems as though the flow of internal energy evens out. Very refreshing. It did take a while before I got used to it, it can be very subtle.

Keep practicing man, things are about to get fun!

Wow, thanks for the encouragement guys!

@ Jackson, I was thinking that I might be in review stage, but moving slowly because I went through the first parts in a Zen setting (and hence didn't pay enough attention to the details, leaving me "stuck" in certain places during review). Just a thought, but it "feels" right to me at this point. And I think I've been getting stuck expecting that "blip" as well. It can get rather painful. Will begin noting like mad whenever that comes up from now on. : )

@ Nick: refreshing coolness bliss, eh? No ecstasy or ejaculation? That sounds just like it.

@ Owen: Yeah, that feeling of being "even out" was probably the best part of the whole thing.

Anyway I haven't been out to my lunch hour sit yet, got caught up in work/sandwich eating / reading Kenneth's "The Progress of Insight (part 5)", from which I pulled this lovely little gem to post here:

Also remember that 'concentrated' does not mean 'focused on one small area or object.' Rather, it means 'remaining undistracted with the mind resting in the object or objects of awareness.'

This makes it so much clearer what exactly concentration IS and how I was doing it wrong before. All those sits in the zendo I was tightly focused on a small area in the abdomen, trying to kind of increase the resolution of what I was focused on. The amount of "bearing down" I was doing must surely have been tripping me up pretty badly.

NOW I'm off to go sit, probably about 30 minutes. Back in a few...

"And I think I've been getting stuck expecting that "blip" as well. It can get rather painful. Will begin noting like mad whenever that comes up from now on. : )"

Be careful not to rev up the energy too much. Striving isn't good in the equanimity stage, as striving is not... equanimity. When the striving or expecting comes, notice and note, and then direct your attention to something neutral - even boring. Just chill out, but pay attention. Mindfulness and equanimity. That's all

Way to go!

Got it, thanks Jackson. Chill out and pay attention.

Cut my sit a bit short, only 15 minutes. Started getting into the breath and immediately got weird effects in my visual field. Kind of a swirling strobing of colors, like when you press on closed eyelids (though i sit with my eyes open). I've seen these before, but they were really strong today, almost continuous, like I was seeing something laid over normal reality or something. I sat with the breath, watching the colors and they went kind of faster and I got deeper in. I noticed that my center of being was located around the heart level. Then there was this sense of a flash of light, right in the center of my vision and felt most directly in the heart area. This was followed by waves of bliss and relief, not ghostlike at all, nor was there a blip.

So I'm guessing a review stage A&P? Everything faded to a cool relief after that. Then I decided to come down and get back to work (knowledge of fear, perhaps?) and noticed that my high concentration state came down the stairs with me. Still feeling a bit buzzed, though more stuffy than before.

Oh, and "Best dharma site EVER"? Hell's yeah. So happy to be here.

You got it, Ian. That was an A&P review, into Dissolution review. The dark night isn't always a big deal in review cycles. Sometimes it just slides right into equanimity.

"So happy to be here."

My sentiments, exactly.

~Jackson

Ian, couple of questions,
1. How does your mind and attention feel right now? After I got 2nd path, it was pretty intense for me.
2. Have you tried sitting with your eyes closed? I got used to open eyes with zen practice, but I found that by closing them I can get a much better view of my inner "landscape" and it seemed to help me note with more accuracy.

Just curious,
-o

"1. How does your mind and attention feel right now? After I got 2nd path, it was pretty intense for me.
2. Have you tried sitting with your eyes closed? I got used to open eyes with zen practice, but I found that by closing them I can get a much better view of my inner "landscape" and it seemed to help me note with more accuracy. "

1) Well, the mind feels kind of stressed out and distracted, but that's sort of an ongoing thing due to certain aspects of my life off the cushion that I'm happily beginning to comes to terms with. No real regret there, nor any aversion, I'm more and more developing a curiosity toward things that I used to see as MAJOR PROBLEMS TO BE ADDRESSED IMMEDIATELY!!! : )

I also notice a greater sense a spaciousness around the tension. All in all, there's not much an increase in intensity, but the tension that's there is much more interesting.

2) No, I haven't. I'm kind of torn on this, as I can see benefits to both sides. As you say, closing the eyes would help to focus on the inner landscape, and I think part of the reason I haven't been having too much in the fireworks department is precisely because my concentration is passively engaged with the visual field.

The other side though is that keeping the eyes open is a good way to integrate practice and ordinary life. Since I'm used to keeping the engagement in the visual field while practicing, I can also keep engaged in practice when I'm more involved in the visual field during everyday activities.

Perhaps I'll give the eyes closed thing a try, though the thought of it gives me a kind of "bottom-drops-out" feel in the pit of my stomach, like at the top of a rollercoaster... Sounds fun, actually.

Of course, I'd love to hear what other people's take is on the whole eyes open / eyes closed thing...