Records of a Reclus

"Yeah, I see what you mean Mike. It like, holding the perspective of viewing the object, allowing it to exist as it is, and watching it as it move away/is gone. So little effort is needed its ridiculous. More effort to NOT move with the object, than anything else.

Here's a question for you. When you notice/note the object, and disembedding is happening, what's around the object? I noticed on the train ride home last night that when I became aware of an object I was holding onto, there was a kind of glow or warmth around the object. Its hard to describe exactly, but since the objects were so negative and "sticky"on the train, I started thinking of this as a "silver lining" kind of thing. Tuning into that and completely ignoring the object brought up some bliss/relief. A similar feeling happens when the object would pass naturally.

That's what the sensations were at the time, as best as I can describe them. Maybe just a momentary weirdness along the path. Do you notice anything like that, when looking at an object right now?"

that is really confusing to me
I don't really "see" or look at objects I don't think. If I note a vibration I don't see the vibration -- unless you count the 'afterimage" (the "crude mental impression") thing -- is that what you are talking about?

No, its not really an afterimage. To be honest, I find the whole talk of "vibrations" pretty confusing myself. : )

Maybe we've just got different sensing modalities on this. I guess the closely analogy would be "what is it that's vibrating" or "what's around the vibration"? But that probably doesn't apply.

No worries. Just an empty little experiment. ; )

"No, its not really an afterimage. To be honest, I find the whole talk of "vibrations" pretty confusing myself. : )

Maybe we've just got different sensing modalities on this. I guess the closely analogy would be "what is it that's vibrating" or "what's around the vibration"? But that probably doesn't apply.

No worries. Just an empty little experiment. ; )"

well, I'm not confused about "vibrations" to be sure, just your question about "what's around the object" ?

"well, I'm not confused about "vibrations" to be sure, just your question about "what's around the object" ? "

No, definitely. The vibes come through strongly for you. I just meant that I was also confused, is all. I'M the one who's been confused by the term "vibrations", did not mean to imply that you were.

"No, definitely. The vibes come through strongly for you. I just meant that I was also confused, is all. I'M the one who's been confused by the term "vibrations", did not mean to imply that you were."

oh, now I feel a little silly, you know? like i had to make you almost apologize for implying something about me that I didn't like.
oh well

No worries, man. I do it many times myself.

Just ask my girlfriend.... : )

No time for formal sitting today either, but kept up the bystander on the train (works well with an iPod, in that people don't look at you funny if you start speaking silently to yourself. )

And coming back here, its amazing how much just being on this site seems to put my mind in the right place to practice. I've been sitting at my (and my coworkers) desk all day and not thought about practice. Coming here, I'm suddenly more aware of my breath, my posture, the tightness/openness of my body. And that's easily maintained while typing this.

The crazy stream of insights went on and on yesterday, after post 124 above, for several hours, and only stopped as my work finished up around 5:30. It was a wonderful way to work, made the hours fly by. Kept an open document to write them down, as a way of kind of "noting" them, which I find helps make it easier for me to let them go. In college I'd have nights of insomnia where all these ideas kept flowing through my head. The only way to get any sleep was to write them down. It was rough, but sometimes I miss those days....

No notes for today, but I did want to share this quote I found:

With respect to its having a name, the various names that are applied to it are inconceivable (in their numbers).

Some call it 'the nature of the mind' or 'mind itself.'

Some Tirthikas call it by the name Atman or 'the Self.'

The Sravakas call it the doctrine of Anatman or 'the absence of a self.'

The Chittamatrins call it by the name Chitta or 'the Mind.'

Some call it the Prajñāpāramitā or 'the Perfection of Wisdom.'

Some call it the name Tathagata-garbha or 'the embryo of Buddhahood.'

Some call it by the name Mahamudra or 'the Great Symbol.'

Some call it by the name 'the Unique Sphere.'

Some call it by the name Dharmadhatu or 'the dimension of Reality.'

Some call it by the name Alaya or 'the basis of everything.'

And some simply call it by the name 'ordinary awareness.'

~ Padmasambhava

I can't help myself. One more and I'm out:

By not attaching to thought, you recognize that your true nature is not something you can define.
'” Ajahn Sumedho

I REALLY like that one. : )

Journeyed out to Rest Stop Relax in NJ last night. One of the few chances I've had to practice lately (life's been......difficult. hence the lack of posts here).

Went through the 4 Foundations, free-form noting and then a bit of 2nd and 3rd gear. I still don't know if I'm getting third gear right or not. I imagine it becomes more obvious further on, I'm not worrying about it too much now. During the 4 foundations, I came to a point where I watched my attention move around from thing (tension) to thing (tingling). It was one of the first times I can remember where I could watch the movement happening without my feeling like "I" was doing it. Each time I noted successfully, the process would continue. I began to be able to notice when I was distracted or noting incorrectly (sometimes I'll catch myself saying something that's not actually there, due to the rhythmic process of the noting) because that feeling of movement would slow.

Came home, went to sleep, and "something" happened in the middle of the night. Woke up with remembrances of everything feeling "just right", of having a moment where everything clicked and the difficulties dropped away. Its weird how much my moods change based on this process I have no control over. But I want to be shown the truth and this is the way to see it, so back at it I go.

I need to practice more often. I'm leaving work early for a doctors appointment, so hopefully I will have a chance to sit at home this evening, and then tomorrow morning as well. Life is calling for a middle path avoiding both spiritual bypassing and not practicing at all. Patience is a must on this one...

These are good insights, Ian. Keep up the good work! Always have the intention of weaving a seamless tapestry of attention throughout the day, from the moment of awakening to the moment of falling asleep (and even in your dreams if possible). You may not achieve this level of continuity, but it is an ideal. And practically speaking, you will be enlightened long before you achieve it.

Kenneth

"These are good insights, Ian. Keep up the good work! Always have the intention of weaving a seamless tapestry of attention throughout the day, from the moment of awakening to the moment of falling asleep (and even in your dreams if possible). You may not achieve this level of continuity, but it is an ideal. And practically speaking, you will be enlightened long before you achieve it.

Kenneth"

God, I love it that that is true. It seems so unlikely that just paying attention could do so much. Not thinking, not reflecting, not figuring it all out -- just watching. So simple.

"Always have the intention of weaving a seamless tapestry of attention throughout the day, from the moment of awakening to the moment of falling asleep (and even in your dreams if possible). You may not achieve this level of continuity, but it is an ideal. And practically speaking, you will be enlightened long before you achieve it.

"

"long before you achieve it" that makes me smile big time. "Building a seemless temple" is something I've heard at my Zen temple. It makes sense now.

Though I am not keen on my chances of developing any dream yoga any time soon, who knows? No reason not to hold the ideal. In any case, it is very nice to have a constant ideal to strive for, especially one so concisely put. I tend to do well with things like this. Thanks Kenneth.

I'm convinced now that it was the constant gentle pressure of awareness that did it for me. Toward the end of the last path, cushion time was just more formal than what I was doing all day.
Worry about lucid dreaming after you get lucid waking.

"cushion time was just more formal than what I was doing all day."-Owen

Yes! Formal practice (cushion time) is just a subset of the larger practice opportunity that is your whole day.

"Worry about lucid dreaming after you get lucid waking. "-Owen

This is great. A great one-liner. The father of our lineage, Bill Hamilton, would be proud.

This "tapestry of awareness" thing is having some nicely strange results. I find I am suddenly slipping into experiences that fit the third gear description better than anything I've thought of as third gear before. A few good notes, a little disembedding and I'm kind of sailing, and yet perfectly solid and unmoving at the same time. There's a zen saying of "the eastern mountain moves over the water" that kind of makes sense to right now.

I think I have been guiltier of that "looking for" instead of "looking at" on a much deeper level than I was aware of. There was a resistance or distance between me and what was being noted that is no longer present. It was never really there, I was just creating it by refusing to take what-is-happening as something as real as my feeling of "I" was. If that makes any sense. : )

Just watching this moment, just don't feel that I already know, because there's something going on right now right here that's moving and is alive and is real. And its doing all that within "my" "mind". I find it easier to turn to that movement of this with noting practice, seeing something, letting it go. Seeing something else, letting it go. Larger patterns in these movement begin to reveal themselves. And seeing them, I am also seeing that I am not them.

Also, the splits between the 4 foundations of mindfulness make a lot more sense now. I find I am very embedded in thought, noting a thought accurately will sometimes give me a sense of "coming out of hyperspace" in Star Wars, sort of a "zooooooop" into present conditions.

Occasionally I get a taste of something that is always present, always here within all present conditions, something that is not a pattern or a movement, but just IS. Like a strangely still sea in which all this activity is taking place.

But the best thing, the absolutely most wonderful thing about this "tapestry of awareness" thing, is that it seems to have short circuited my achievement trip. Since its something I can do at any moment, any time of day, during any activity (even just right now), the need to "achieve" something on the cushion, to make sure I am getting the most of my sitting time, is no longer an issue. Meditating while sprawled on my couch, head resting on my hands, staring off into space, and feeling that yes, this IS meditation, is just such a beautiful thing.

Thank you Kenneth, your guidance is priceless.

And thanks to you, Owen, too. And everyone else on this site!

I'm feeling rather blissed out and almost overly excited/cheerful/loving today. Much metta to everybody! : )

Sat for about 20 minutes last night. Inspired by Mumuwu's recent focus on mindstates, I decided to focus solely on thoughts, as that is the foundation of mindfulness that I get stuck on most often.

It started off slowly, but I eventually got to the point where I was noticing each thought as it arose and noting it appropriately. It got to the point where I was applying multiple notes to each thought, and finally I was including a mindstate at the end. This just seemed to happen on its own as I watched the thoughts. For example: "past thought, work thought, email thought, worried" if something about work came up, or "practice thought, dharma thought, judging thought, curious" if I found a thought about my practice. Also, I found thoughts of childhood TV shows and video games kept coming up, so: "past thought, childhood thought, television thought, nostalgic". Each note seemed to describe a particular flavor of the thought, and when I'd done about three of them, I'd have a feeling of some kind of energetic movement in my head, as is something had been completed and could move on.

At one point, I felt as if an entire cloud around my brain had been swallowed, I could feel it moving down my neck and into my shoulders. This was followed by 2 or 3 waves of bliss and I felt energy moving around the head. There was a feeling of clarity, tension in my head was gone, the strain around my eyes was gone, the constant dull ache in my brain was gone. There was also, surprisingly, energetic movements and the feeling of unknotting in my shoulders and my abdomen. I felt very present.

This was followed by a congested feeling in my head, accompanied by a thought of sitting in a hot tub for too long. I took this as a good a sign as any that I should and went to bed.

Thinking about this now, I wonder if a misunderstanding of my zen training isn't what lead to this. The basic instructions we receive upon entering the temple for the first time is "focus on the breath, when a thought arises, see it and let it go." So I took this to mean that all thoughts are to be let go of, leaving me in basically a state of thoughtlessness. Meaning my meditation never addressed the level of ACTUALLY LOOKING AT THE THOUGHTS and so I would have remained embedded there, because I never took it up as an object of practice. Which for someone who thinks compulsively like I do, probably isn't a good thing.

Now, I can see that "looking at the thoughts" is included in the instructions ("SEE the thought and let it go") but I never would have figured out my misunderstanding without the methodology of the 4 Foundations.

In any case, I think I will continue to keep up the "tapestry of awareness" whenever possible, and to devote my sitting meditations to this focus on thoughts, at least for now.

Ian, I definitely get you. I am becoming more aware of how I would just blank out on certain levels and how maybe I was even noting and using awareness of one thing to avoid looking at another thing (noting physical sensations to stay on top of an emotion, but not actually looking at the emotion). It's great if you have to keep yourself together for some practical reason but I think you wind up losing out on a lot of the flavor of life if you do it too often. I feel like I've let a lot of joy pass me by because I was trying to avoid feeling anxious.

Neat stuff! Very interesting area to focus on isn't it?

"I would just blank out on certain levels and how maybe I was even noting and using awareness of one thing to avoid looking at another thing (noting physical sensations to stay on top of an emotion, but not actually looking at the emotion).

I feel like I've let a lot of joy pass me by because I was trying to avoid feeling anxious."

yeah, I definitely know what you're talking about here. It is really interesting to turn my attention solely to something that I've always avoided looking at directly. It seems to open up space around them in a really nice way (whether thoughts emotions or anything else). And I know I've definitely been missing out on some good flavors here too. : )

Speaking with Kenneth at his class in NJ last night, he explained how consistent noting uses up the processing power of our minds, and how maxing that out allows the physio-energetic structure to get built. Its almost as if noting becomes busywork that we do to occupy our "selves" while nature goes to work to grow our physio-energetic system, like sunlight to a plant. Only we are both the plant and the sunlight, and whoever it is that's doing the busywork doesn't actually exist. Or something like that...

(cont)

Anyway, woke up early this morning and sat for 30 minutes. Didn't feel too inclined to experiment with thoughts so stuck with freeform noting, trying to let that plant grow. As concentration built, I noticed a feeling of sort of cool tingling along my skin and my attention would be pulled down into my abdomen at times as anxiety and worry rose from there. When that happened, I would try to maintain an awareness of that anxiety, watching it, because if I can watch it, its not me.

After 30 minutes I was tired out, but not as tired as I used to get. Went to sleep for a little while, then got up and got ready for work. Later that morning, I found myself in rather intense periods of disgust and annoyance in response to pretty much anything that came my way (my poor girlfriend!) but this was more something I was carrying around than an actual response to any situation I encountered. Hmmm....

Just got back from 30 minutes in the stairwell. My noting seems to be coming a lot more easily now. Noted freeform, going into thoughts specifically when one popped up, staying with them for a couple of notes and moving back down. The notes came very fast, but were interrupted by fear and anxiety that rose up and seemed to want to pull my attention into them. When that happened, I'd hold attention on the anxiety and the space around me, and note "fear" or "anxiety", this seemed to pull energy from the fear/anxiety and make it softer.

Then towards the end I got sleepy all of a sudden, maybe for the last 5 minutes. The noting stopped and I kept sort of snapping myself awake. I'd note a little bit, then fall away again. I didn't feel as strained as I have in the past, I think because I've been trying to maintain a more "relaxed stability" to my attention. But the sleepiness still hits pretty stealthily. Not sure what I can do about that.

edited to add: my body feels really light and open, being back in the office. There's a really feeling of openness and space in the body, but this stops around the abdomen, right where the anxiety was coming from. If I focus on it, I can open the awareness around the tightness and create a little more space around it, but the discomfort associated with the tension persists.

So yesterday I kept up the "tapestry of awareness" throughout the day, throwing in a little kasina practice at my desk when I could, using Mu's blue circle:
www.thechucklegang.com/ESW/Images/blue-circle.gif

This got everything shuddering, anxiety rushing up, my perceptions feeling kind of distorted, a lot of dissonance. I tried to keep my cool and just watch these things, tried to keep them on the same level as everything else flowing through my experience (a breeze on the skin, my feet on pavement, the flow of words as I typed). I just kept watching and watching and got to the point where I just didn't care, I figured this was going to continue for a while and I might as well get used to it. I explained myself to my girlfriend as sort of "I'm feeling kind of ******, but its under control and its actually a good thing to be feeling because it means my meditation is "working" (finger quotes and all).

Shortly thereafter, there was a kind of twisty feeling in my stomach and all the dissonance dropped away. I felt really at ease, surprised at how long the ****** feeling had been around, at how almost nostalgic the peacefulness felt. Which was great.

But sitting to meditate this morning, all I felt was a kind of peaceful emptiness. I hadn't realized how much I was hanging my practice on those ****** feelings. My body seemed to fade in and out of existence, and I had the feeling of being a large body of water, kind of indistinct at the edges. Very pleasant, but I also feel stuck, which brings up frustration and worry to note, but noting doesn't seem to remove the feeling of stuckness (even noting stucknes).

Nevertheless, onwards and onwards, I'm not going to worry too much. I am enjoying having a sense of humor again.