Rod's Practice Journal

"Rod1":1b7zoga0 wrote: Advice would be appreciated on what generally might happen next.[/quote:1b7zoga0]

Who knows? Be with that, and keep reporting here. <!-- s:) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt="" title="Smile" /><!-- s:) -->

Do you have a teacher? I thought you mentioned you talked to Ron, but I can't remember. If you want to talk sometime over Skype, even if just over IM, there are many on here willing to chat. I think it's always good to talk to people who have been through it. PM me if you feel like it sometime.

Hi Russel,
Thanks for your reply. Yes Kenneth has been my instructor and he has replied to my email from Sunday now and will try to arrange a catch up session and hopefully have some questions answered. I am not deeply worried as this cycling is very clear and persistent with blips or dips occurring at the end of each cycle. Its been going for the past 3 days after an initial period of mixed sensations. I don't want to be too presumptuous here but I can't see what else this could be - whatever it is it has led to some seriously different territory that had big impacts on me since the interruption on Saturday night. Given the time difference between here and US, UK etc its hard to link up to people for a conversation or text. Anyway, thanks and I will keep going and keep practicing just in case I have am still pre-stream entry.

Log update 23/05/2013
Last night sat meditated for 50 minutes lying down. Watched cycling and noted varying rates and different fruition intensities. Cycling dominates the sits as this continual routine of moving from A&amp;P up to eqquanimity just keeps going. Tried to do some jhanas over that and they are much stronger and instant than before. Tried to get into 5th jhana but not sureabout the rest so need some practice. Since I have always had acces to the material 4 I would have thought that access to the next 4 would be possible now. So will be experimenting with this.
This morning woke up at 4.30 and watched cycling till 6.00. Noticed that this morning the rate had increased to 5 minutes per cycle. This slowed down through the day to about 20 mins. Watched on and off cycling through the day. Took a flight this afternoon and watched cycling through the flight. Its as if I am meditating through the day without trying to. Interesting. Mind is alot quieter and stable with less commentary and still no self connection found.

Log Update 24/05/2013
Took flight yesterday afternoon for work trip so meditated on flight watching cycling through nanas. Meditated last night for 60 mins lying down. Watched cycling for half and then experimented with jhanas 1-4 which are stronger and easier to reach than before. Then tried to access formless jhanas but fell asleep. Woke up this morning at 4.20 and meditated lying down. Watched breath until cycling was clearer to perceive. I have noticed that increasing concentration brings greater definition in the different steps in the cycling. So after about 40 mins doing this and watching for any variation or new phenomena in the cycling compared with the last few days (there wasn't) I tried to access the formless jhanas again. Not skilled yet at getting into these jhanas - not sure what to look for and good technique however, I was definitely able to get into very expansive states - greater than I have reached before even when I thought I was accessing 5th jhana. So not sure if I was travelling through several of the formless jhanas or just hovering around one of them and not sure which one - its all pretty expansive and subtle. So with practice I guess what I am reaching will become clearer similar to when I was trying to develop the first 4 jhanas I guess.
This afternoon had cancelled meeting so got back to hotel room early and meditated lying down for 70 mins. Returned to expansive jhanas again to investigate further. Looking for patterns, recurring sensations etc, and probably need to read some more about what people report about them too. After that I returned to watching the cycling and also checked for the blank space where self was connected. There is still uncertainty about whether I really have permanently shifted in a stream entry way or if its just a temporary state that will revert soon. I guess this will pass with time if no reversion occurs. So far, once the 'dust ' of the shift settled, the new territory has been consistent and solid. Acceptance and surrender come to mind here. Its been an amazing week since Saturday night when 'all hell broke loose' and even the part of self that seems to have been discoonected in this experience has given me a taste of how much more contented one could get from reduced self and that has been amazing and worth working for to disconnect or diminish the self more completely.

Log Update 27/05/2013

Travelling for business last week and whilst there visiting my mum over the weekend. We finally spread Dad's ashes at a beautiful rocky point jutting out into the sea - a favourite place of his and mum's and as per his wishes as a surfer and lifesaver. A beautiful mild subtropical winter's day, off shore breeze that carried them far before settling on the azure textured surface as nearby surfers rode generous spray crested waves.

Managed to get at least 2 sits in per day and also on the flight home and other opportunities in transit. its averaged 60 minutes each. Cycling through nanas continued over the past 3 days now over a week since significant shift which started this new stage of experience. It conforms to typical descriptions of Stream Entry. Although I am now getting used to the sense of being disconnected to the self (or at least part of it) and the cycling, it is still very distinct and it has not diminished since it started. Cycling rates vary. Practice over the past few days has consisted of watching the nanas to become familiar with them and the fruition dips at the end of each cycle. I have also kept up jhana practice, which whilst in the jhanas and for a while after, mutes my ability to watch the nanas but I don't want to drop concentration skills as I am sure they will be useful moving forward. I have also been exploring formless jhana territory although I am not sure what I am looking for exactly. Just getting into very expansive states and letting mind settle in stable states and trying to figure out what that is if anything. I am sure with practice, they will become more evident and controllable. Noting seems easier but I have dropped it off over the past week so am starting that up again as well. Basically, the holiday is over and its time to make use of this review by trying to learn from it and keeping the practice up so that I am ready for whatever happens next and won't be floundering around trying to regain concentration etc.

Brings me to this morning. Woke up at 4.30 and meditated for 2 hrs lying down. Spent the first hour watching and noting nana cycling and fruition dips, watching for the points between one nana and the next. I noticed that the Dukkha nanas present as a period of big and erratic energy and tension in the head etc. I am not able to tell them apart from each other, then equanimity settles it down and very shortly after a dip and back to A&amp;P. After this I started to intersperse jhanas and nanas - so when A&amp;P started, I jumped to 1st then second jhana, then back to A&amp;P then things moved to dissolution so letting that develop, I jumped to 3rd jhana, then back to dissolution, then dukkha nanas, then equanimity and quickly to 4th jhana before the fruition dip, but it seemed to happen anyway (albeit muted through the jhana) so after a couple of times of that, I stayed in 4th jhana and then explored expanded formless jhana territory (I think) before ending the meditation.

Log Update 29/05/2013

Last couple of days have been meditating average of 60 minutes morning and a little more in the evening. During sessions, watching cycling and then jhanas to explore expansive territory. Since last log entry, the cycling of review continues but has changed in characteristics. Last week through to the weekend, the nanas were clearly perceived and distinct from each other with a distinct fruition that was quite concentrated. It was easy to be aware of them even in daily activities. Now whilst the cycling is continuing, there is less distinction between nanas, its harder to identify which nana I am in and the fruitions are spread broader, seem stronger but not as consistent. Also there is alot of tingling vibrations moving through me all day without alot of pattern to them so it feels like I am about to have a fruition most of the time. Actually the vibrational frequency and randomness feels as if my body is out of phase with solidity (if that makes sense), not unpleasant. Today at work there were quite distinct feelings of being separate from the body, that it was all automatic. The sense of self being disconnected is still there and becoming normalised. I also have found that when I wake up in the middle of the night which happens almost every night, instead of emotional churning, now there are really mostly thoughts without so much emotion linked. Easier to manage, to watch and not as stressful. I presume I am fading out of review and would be interested to know what might happen next - quite fascinating. Still not really back up with the noting - hard to know how to adjust practice to best accommodate whats happening - should I sit back and relax, get highly concentrated, not a lot, or what? Not deeply worried, bit perplexing. Don't think I would be very helpful to anyone with this kind of vague understanding <!-- s:? --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_confused.gif" alt="" title="Confused" /><!-- s:? -->

Log Update 30/05/2013

Last night meditated sitting for 50 minutes and watched 3 cycles of nanas from A&amp;P to 11 nana and fruition etc then back to A&amp;P. I am not sure if i was making it happen or if I was watching it happen - hard to tell. Went to bed and continued with jhana work but fell asleep. Woke up at 3.00am and watched breath and thoughts and tingling waves just moving throughout body for about 60 mins. Woke up at 6.00 and tried to go through jhanas to 4th and then expansive territory exploration till 7.00am. All the while there is interplay with tingling and other mixed sensations.
So despite a pretty swirly, floaty tingly time over the past few days, still trying to have a structured practice. Fruitions pop up almost randomly, really big waves of fine tingling move throughout my body and whenever I try to follow some semblance of a sequence of meditation, it all just falls in like trying to dig a hole in wet sand at the beach. Quite amusing. So it feels like I am being lazy and losing discipline as my practice is getting less structured and clear but there is not much else I can do except watch, note and accept. Through the day there has been a recurring sensation of things such as my body and other things running themselves, not in my control.

Log Update 01/06/2013
Busy with work so logging is a little behind. So night before last did walking meditation for 65 mins getting quite concentrated noting stepping sensations. Meditated sitting for 60 mins just watching 3 cycles of review that are fading and slipping -starting at A&amp;P and ending in fruitions. Meditated lying down falling asleep. Woke up at 6.00 meditating in jhanas in expansive territory till 7.00. Lots of really tingly vibrations through the day throughout body
Last night meditated for 60 mins sitting watching cycling of review again but its very much fading back to a 'pea soup'. Meditated lying down for about 40 mins till asleep trying out sustained 2nd jhana then 3rd then 4th. This morning woke up at 6.00 and meditated jumping to 4th jhana for a bout 30 minutes then moving to expanded jhana territory just poking around to familiarise. During this there was a distinct rush of vibrations (a bit like a fruition) and wasn't sure if it was the end of another cycle with fruition or something else. After it, the territory seemed easier but may have just been increased concentration. Not sure if doing jhanas during this time is helpful, useless or what. Review has definitely waned and now just hanging around to see what happens next. Would be easy to stop practicing but won't do that. Noting seems easy but not particularly driven to do it so will just hang loose for the moment.

Reflective Note: Went to a gig today of an acquaintance guitarist and his band. Been a while since I played much due to work etc so was good to get some inspiration again. The crowd were friendly but crazy and normally, I would be pretty shy and self-conscious and keep out of the way. Today was different - I felt at ease and just happy to be there and part of the whole thing unfolding. No shyness, although I could see the propensity for it, but didn't pick it up. That is something that has dogged me all my life. It seems greatly diminished now which is such a relief.

Another insight from that gig was whilst I was absolutely into the guitarist and the great riffs and solos he was cranking out, the thing I was drawn to and remember the most is watching a mentally and physically disabled girl enjoying the music from her wheelchair and particularly the dedication and love her father was showing to her ensuring she was comfortable and happy and enjoying it all, dancing with her in the chair etc. I am sure its just another day for them but I felt really floored by the love that I could see there and it occupied alot of my contemplation during the gig - not something I would normally be occupied with at a gig. Seemed that it cut through alot deeper or more sustainably than it might have a few months ago.

Nice reflection about being able to choose to pick up the shyness or not. <!-- s:) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt="" title="Smile" /><!-- s:) -->

Just curious, when you &quot;hang loose&quot; and skip the noting - do you still get caught in thoughts?

Thanks V, yes the thoughts are there and I find myself following them so not noting will allow that to encroach and probably is a good reason to get back to doing it again. Not sure if that is the basis for your question but thanks, its given me a simple reason to continue with noting.

Why I asked is just because I myself have this will to stop noting... and just go notice and experience. Not sure why I'm driven in this direction. Anyway, it's the same thing for me, I also get caught in thoughts over and over again when I stop noting. Sometimes the thoughts can be kind of transparant and yet another thing to notice together with the bodily sensations and different phenomenon arising though... which is nice... [i:1bposbhf]when that happens[/i:1bposbhf]. But yes, sticking to noting is probably a good idea for me as well. Dropping the noting from time to time and see what it does to you can be interesting though... I've noticed confusion, insecurity and a bit of shame when I do that, which is interesting... when I leave the &quot;frames&quot; I've given myself.

Yes its interesting - just walking back from shops and previously I would be strongly noting foot step sensations interspersed with noting seeing, thinking, feeling etc as the experience played out. However today, I realised just focussing on foot steps was actually limiting my ability to take in the whole of 'now' so I switched to whole of field awareness, taking in the entire sensory data I was walking in. So I think at this point, I might have answered a broader question I have had since stream entry and review - what do I do now? Will it run itself as it seems to be doing? How long will that continue and how best to accommodate this with practice. It seems that practice is very much now about creating the right conditions for waking up to continue as a process. So probably the objective is to do whatever works to stay in the [b:152pl1un]'Now' [/b:152pl1un]and the process carries on. I think this is relevant to any stage on the path.
Pre SE there is a feeling that one is needing to drive something forward (I certainly had that feeling) but really it seems more like setting up the conditions for awakening to continue. Its called momentum which implies driving forward but its more about continuity of keeping in the 'now' to enable insights to be understood/known at a deep level. So noting, awareness, bare sensate awareness, choiceless awareness and so on could all be pragmatically applied to achieving and maintaining that end. Therefore I think the answer to both our question is to keep that going <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt="" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: --> Sorry for the ramble.

Log Update 03/06/2013
Saturday night sat for 60 mins and then about an hour lying down before falling asleep. In first sit just watched cycling continue slower and more recessed again with fruitions. Watched this for 4 cycles then started to lean towards different nanas and short cut to fruitions just to practice moving around the territory. Then lying down, decided to get into jhanas and moved up to expansive territory again.
Woke up at 6.00 and meditated till 8.00. I went straight to 2nd jhana and stayed there absorbed for most of the sit. Just practicing.
All day was feeling alot of compassion and love in general just like yesterday. Last night I sat for 50 mins watching cycling through nanas and then absorbed in 4th jhana. Meditated lying down for about 30 minutes trying to do metta meditation but fell asleep. Last night read through the Metta Sutta - pretty detailed and it would take a while to remember all the categories and groups to extend loving kindness towards. Woke up at 4.15 and tried metta meditation systematically extending loving kindness to all those around me, family, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, neighbours etc ( <!-- s:shock: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_eek.gif" alt=":shock:" title="Shocked" /><!-- s:shock: --> oops forgot the cats) and to my surprise got very absorbed and found myself in 2nd jhana. So I didn't get to the world or universe and all its beings so maybe tomorrow morning. I always struggle with morning meditation as the mind seems to roam but awareness seems pretty groggy and loses out usually. This seemed to utilise the mind in a better way. I have not done alot of metta meditation before in fact after the last time I tried, the whole day I seemed to run into hostile people which was pretty weird. At the moment, metta seems to really resonate with me and the way I have been feeling over the past few says. I also was advised that it was an important thing to have traversing the middle paths (in the theravadan tradition) when asking for general opinions on DHO what would be good to do in or after review. So will incorporate into practice as well. Noting, Jhanas, Metta.

Log Update 05/06/13

Meditating average of 60 minutes sitting and 60 minutes lying down with interspersed noting and now metta practice through the night as I wake up. In the morning meditating for average 80 minutes. Had a good session with Kenneth yesterday morning (haven't talked since before I hit dukkha nanas) mainly discussing cycling, review and how to make good use of it. So seem to be in what Kenneth calls review B now where cycling occurs but also able to stay in equanimity after fruition (rather than getting booted back to A&amp;P) and either have more fruitions and/or go on to 4th jhana and formless jhanas - new territory and still exploring it to understand the different stable 'platforms' and what their characteristics are. Metta is the new addition to practice and although I am still getting used to it, it feels good to do as an 'altruistic' way to build concentration. Over the last week or so, I have found that falling asleep in the formless jhana territory results in me waking up about 3 hours later feeling like I have slept many more hours and I basically lay in bed dozing for the rest of the night. So, I watch and note thoughts come and go, note those that I get caught up in and also have tried to practice metta as well. Not tired through the day either so all good. So whenever the new path starts, I will be ready with concentration and practice intact as at the moment it is tempting to relax and forget about practice completely as all feels happy joy happy. However, I feel as if I need to keep going and although not pushing (in no hurry), certainly happy to get onto the next path. Noting a desire to get this all done (not loathing, more excitement). Also during meditation over the past couple of days I have been watching for the self and generally feel its not there/real and 'enjoy' exploring that - the formless jhana territory is an interesting expansive point from which to look at this.

Log Update 07/06/13

Last couple of days meditated average 60 mins sitting and 60 mins lying down at night and about 70-80 mins in the morning with interspersed meditation and noting through the night when awake. Morning meditation seems to be good for Metta which leads to Jhanas at which point I am moving to 4th and above and continuing metta from there. Night meditation is watching for about half the time then going to jhanas after that. Through the day, not much is happening - I am still lazy with noting with work being very busy and not much chance to be aware beyond the task at hand. It seems from last night's sit that review has stopped as I didn't kick off from A&amp;P and the nanas are not really distinct. Its possible to have fruitions still if I choose but the 'auto pilot' aspect of review has stopped it seems. Most of the pleasant vibratory stuff has settled down now. The post SE 'super powers' seem to be fading now <!-- s:? --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_confused.gif" alt="" title="Confused" /><!-- s:? --> . So its back to practice as it was I guess until something else comes up.

Decided to stop logging for a while. I think I am just picking up the new path now and things are pretty slow and uneventful. Continuing with same practice regime as before stream entry except now with formless jhanas as well. So when I reach a notable change or become confused, will start logging again.

General Notes 26/06/2013

Over the past few weeks, I have continued to meditate twice daily for about an hour each session with additional meditation over night if/when I have woken up. Noting practice has been patchy through the day. I continue to utilise jhanas and although have explored the formless jhana territory, continue to frequent 4th jhana.

Most notable phenomena was a couple of weeks ago I was hovering in formless jhanas (5th I think) and during this, awareness or energy started darting around my experience of sensations - it was as if I was aware of all sensations as they were happening. This was very high speed and persisted for about 24 hrs. Whilst awake and not meditating I was aware of it happening just below the surface of awareness, and when meditating it was the main event and I watched it and it was like the tail end of every sensation was being tagged by my awareness and accompanying this was a very fine vibratory energy moving around the body. Not sure what this was - I have not experienced it before.
The other notable experience was last weekend, having a dull headache (as if hungover) in the morning after meditating. Doesn't happen usually.

Practice is of poorer quality than what I was doing prior to SE shift (concentration lower) and not utilising daily activities as opportunity to practice/dis-embed as much.
I do have alot more energy and don't get as tired at the end of each day however I think I have been taking advantage of that just to do more work which in turn has knocked my practice a bit. Shyness has dropped off quite a bit.

General attitude is basically happy, great sense of well being with significantly reduced stress levels most notable in situations that I know have caused lots of stress previously. There are periods where I feel very happy on the verge of breaking into laughter lasting for several hours, always have been a pretty happy sort of person but now this seems to have been accentuated and laughter is just that, rather than being motivated by cynicism (or based on typically Australian sarcastic humour). I sometimes also can sometimes see situations where there normally would be frustration or sadness but it doesn't stick or resonate so I move on. Who knows if this will last or what changes will occur but this is has been the state of my experience over the past few weeks.

This territory is still unfolding and forming in many subtle ways - lots of different perspectives on every day situations. This feels wholesome and is interesting.

Practice Update 29/06/2013

Interesting - every time I want to write something, the urge and reason seems to dissolve and I am left with nothing but the words ‘it doesn’t matter’. So unless documenting actual facts (which also see little point to now) insights seem to evaporate and I just laugh at it. Feel so unqualified and unknowledgeable to be able to say much about anything at all which makes me feel more like an idiot which I think is pretty funny and I am not sure why

Nevertheless, trying to write something now as a record of information that may be useful to others who may find themselves at a similar stage in their path sometime.

Phenomena-wise, experiencing A&amp;P/2nd Jhana-type shimmering vibratory energy a lot – whilst meditating I can sit in it for the whole session (60 mins) without going to a jhana state. During the day it’s just ‘below the surface’ and pretty easy to experience at will. So I watch it. Still feeling a lot of joy and once again its pretty easy to get into a state of wonder at just being alive. The need to know where I am (progress-wise) has greatly diminished now too. Just seem happy to watch and experience. Noting where I can but more noticing of mindstates, thoughts etc. Thoughts seem to be the frontier of effort at the moment – recognizing them as lots of bubbles descending though me and noticing how I seem to poke my attention into the bubbles and get lost in the ‘bubble world’ of the thought until I recognize it and pull up out of it again – its really like getting mesmerized.

I had to fire someone at work yesterday and had little warning about it. Of course it was not pleasant and I watched my reaction to the usual contextual triggers of such a situation. I could see the expectation of how I should feel but there was not the stomach churning and stress and dread etc. There was a lot of empathy that I had to control since I felt like giving the person a hug and convincing them that it wasn’t the end of the world etc. even though I was the one sacking them and they had been pretty dishonest leading to being sacked. Once it was finished, I noticed no great residual affect just a sense of empathy and well wishing for the person.

And so it is..

Practice Update 03/07/2013

The fine vibrational energy continues but not as strong during meditation as it was a few days ago, however is still there whenever I choose to feel it in daily life. Meditation is becoming easier and usually half way through each session emerges a very still and quiet state. Not using jhanas consciously so much at the moment as it is hard to tell the difference between those states and those without consciously developing them. Joy and the tendency to laugh at most things still prevails.

I am noticing that at this point mind states such as joy and sadness very closely resemble each other - its as if they come from the same base and I am starting to see them closer to the source where their energy characteristics are almost the same. I was reading about a guru called Radha Ma and saw some YouTube videos of her talking. Although she is now revered in India as a Saint, what I saw of her seemed a bit weird - always flanked with wiry Western Guys just hanging out with her all the time. I watched a couple of clips then looked into her background on Wikipedia and found recently she had set herself on fire and died in apparent suicide. It was very disturbing and I felt sadness, watched it and then saw joy come in right after it (not actually joyful at this tragedy) which 'looked' almost the same energy wise. Curious, these various mind states seem to be coming and going irrespective of the context that would normally 'select' or trigger one over another. Both these and other mind states all feel just deeply very similar and so also could result in tears or laughter equally as a physical manifestation but in all cases are seen at a distance now so are not consuming but experienced none the less. Still easy to develop a blissful wonderment at just being alive with the awareness of pent up joy that makes me want to laugh and cry at once. Watching this, I can only see the object of this as just being alive or just being. Its not dependent on a situation as far as I can see but certainly can be catalysed by certain situations such as listening to some music. Not sure this all makes sense or if I have 'kangaroos in my top paddock' ...as a saying here goes but its my experience.

Another point that is becoming evident is that my whole body is really just vibrations - I have felt it for months in varying frequencies (especially with Jhanas) and now it seems to be clear that 'I' am just vibrations, or at least it feels that way - insubstantial, with 'my' boundaries becoming unclear in their distinction from 'other'. There is the feeling that it all might as well just merge and the distinction seems pointless - there is almost an impatience there. There is also a softness of heart that just wants to 'give up', surrender - and the awareness of whatever extent that is not happening is also clearer. Its as if I could just say, 'ok I give up lets just get real now' and that it could just happen...whatever 'happen' means in this case.

And another thing, I noticed particularly at work going through behaviour patterns that actually feel like nothing and the realisation that these are shadows, patterns that have no substance and given that, I appear to be going through the motions because that is what I know to do in certain situations. Its almost as if it would be better to do nothing and say nothing until I 'learn' or understand the 'new real' way to act in those situations rather than just following empty patterns. Very strange

Once again, words are not working too well in explaining experiences etc and so feel pretty inept with the descriptions and the realisation that as soon as I put this down, its inaccurate and really doesn't matter. Laughing again at this weird assed territory these days...

Practice Update 13/07/2013
So...aaanyway...since last entry, have continued practice but contracted a heavy dose of flu which made things more difficult with fever and associated crazy thinking/delirium, so presented a different dimension to practice. I noticed that previously when sick there arises a fair measure of self pity, this time that was not present, rather just the literal suffering associated with the the symptoms. Getting this flu for the 3rd time is a result of working too much - since the last shift I realised I have more energy and have used that to do more work. Reflecting on this has led me to realise how attached I am to my work/career in terms of identity, sense of achievement and self worth etc. There it is hiding in plain sight. Whilst attachment to work has dropped since SE, it is still there in no small way - it ticks all the conditioning boxes - sense of achievement, identity, the feeling of fixing things, doing something, literally working for something etc. So enquiring into that, watching it, prodding it, finding the hotspots and getting to know them, seeing through them etc.

Started noting alot more now through daily activities to keep the disembedding going. During a couple of meditations I seemed to experience 'near-miss fruitions' or broader fruitions. Haven't naturally had a fruition since about a month after SE (when I thought review finished according to the MCTB model). Currently can induce fruitions if trying to but haven't done that as I prefer to let things unfold more naturally and I am not sure what value fruitions have anyway. After one of these 'fruition' type sensations, vibratory state markedly changed from a very deep state of equanimity to really buzzy erratic energy that persisted for about 12 hours. Thought it might be dark night stage but unless its even shorter than last time, probably something else. Using Jhanas about 50% of the time - mostly 3rd, 4th and beyond but the distinction between them and not jhanas is blurry. Joy is still there but not as effervescent as it was at the time of the last entry.

Practice Update 18/07/13

Over the past week experience has moved from fairly turbulent energy with alot of distraction from thought activity to very calm and deep concentration over the past couple of days. I guess its like EQ but I have no idea where I am on this path so not sure what it is but since work has been particularly stressful as well as being sick last week, I am certainly glad to have such peaceful meditations and calm mind states through the day. Insights are subtle but this morning whilst on the way to work I realised the attention that is given to the thought world over the physical world and that they were all the same and therefore my perspective on them was the same, no difference. It seemed to diminish the importance of thoughts in terms of holding my attention. I also became aware of the whole space around me and that it looked as if people driving and walking were existing in the world almost only on the horizontal plane relative to their height and size. I felt more connected/aware of the whole world experience around me and them. Hard to explain. During meditation I have felt the urge to open and dissolve, strange feeling but it seems to be based on the awareness of no self. Also drawn to very expansive perspectives in meditation - whilst not actively going into jhanic states, it seems that I quickly move to a 4th-5th type state - very expansive and the urge to dissolve into it is there...although I can't quite do it. Instead I tend to become more and more absorbed into the state. Reading back over this, it comes across as pretty spacey and vague but that seems to be the way things are.

Funny territory these days - lots of little off cushion insights. Its as if there is alot of interesting stuff that I just haven't got around to unwrapping yet. Other insights include all sensory data being perceived as one thing and in one place rather than locationally. There is still alot of joy just below the surface. I have also noticed alot less mental chatter and thoughts through daily life. Alot more just doing and the slight inkling again that there is noone doing it - just an action. Biggest challenge on cushion however has been falling into thoughts a lot but at the same time also seeing them as not so vivid as they used to be - so something going on there. Meditating, I have just got an inkling of no self to a point where I am feeling like all things - very slight inkling that I can't yet hold or develop or go deep enough to grasp. I guess it will develop in time. Its branching off a combination of new meditation territory in the expansive jhana area and also the reducing sense of self that is becoming more familiar. The new territory presents like many layers that if I direct my attention to one and hold it for a while, a 'room' opens up with its own characteristic vibrations and feel and perspective. I guess I am a little curious as to where this all sits in relation to 2nd path or wherever?

Practice Log Update 25/07/13

Just to update - still meditating for average 60 mins twice a day with longer on weekends, and extra on flights or when I wake up overnight. Not noting much but lots of wide contemplation. Very 'big' awareness over the past few days - meditation sessions are long and big with that urge to just dissolve my form and become all that is around me. The absorption into thoughts is diminishing possibly due to my concentration improving or that thoughts are fading in intensity and ability to draw me in. It feels as if I am seeing the edge of me, an abyss of nothing which brings wonder and delightful panic at once. Joy is always there. I see sadness, loneliness, happiness, excitement but its passing and isn't me, doesn't pull me in. All these insights I have documented over the past few entries vary in intensity over time - they are not permanent and fluctuate but always there if I look. This is all different territory (unrecognisable from before SE path) or maybe I am experiencing the same on another level or from a different perspective as the 4 path model suggests. I would be keen to know if SE was the last definitive milestone I will experience as everything since then has been very unstructured and more like an unfurling rather than stage-based (which is fine - just interested). Just starting 5 weeks holiday which will be a great opportunity to practice more on and off the cushion and get used to this new territory. Lots of singular experiences that could be lots of different things - e.g. I was meditating last night and was somewhere in EQ or formless Jhana - very big awareness that starts almost as soon as I start to meditate and with every strata change in mind induces a momentary dizziness. Things were calm and peaceful then suddenly a whack like a mega fruition hit me like I folded inward and back out in a millisecond. I returned to where I was in meditation and nothing else followed. Strange and unknown phenomena. Based on an experience this week and (as I reflect) possible other experiences previously I am starting to wonder if some extra sensory abilities are developing or if I am becoming more sensitive to subtle things. Certainly noticing alot more coincidences and situations just 'working out' more often in ways I couldn't have picked. I think this is connected with the reduced sense of self - the less 'I' am in the picture, the more these things seem to happen..

Log Update 30/07/2013

4 days into holidays and more practice. More sitting but also greater contemplation and noticing whilst out and about. Concentration is strong as expected with more sitting but not really sure what to do in meditation except explore more expansive states. So pretty much doing nothing except watching. Still thoughts coming and going then a deeper or stronger state when attention pulls out of the thoughts - as if 'snapping out of it'. When meditating or aware of it, sensory stimuli seem to be less locationally based and more able to be just bundled together as sensations on the attention plane. I also was aware when watching people, realising that what I was seeing was the outward manifestation of separateness and I also realised that the same 'energy' (for want of a better word) was underneath everyone and everything. Then I started to wonder if this is how 'saints' or 'enlightened folk' could 'love' everyone - that they were connecting with people on the level of that underlying energy and communicated/activated/stimulated people on that level (which might be why people reported deep loving feelings for such folk...or it could be a placebo of course). That the outer looks, behaviours etc was just 'noise' so to speak.
Seem to be quite fascinated with nature/forms - trees and the complexity of leaves blowing in the wind for example. I have a desktop picture of ocean waves on the shore and the picture has in the foreground the 'boil' of water as the wave has crashed and starts to recede - for some reason I find the visual of the complexity of water and foam fascinating and am drawn to look at it for a long time. Not sure why really. Joy prevails.
Also interested in how to integrate all this into my current life - I was so goal focussed and driven but it seems pointless (not in a negative way - more in a funny way) and lacks meaning. So I am interested in if those who are more awakened have run into these ideas and how they coped with it - however I am not about to run off into the forest.
More 'coincidences' seem to be happening and I also have noticed I am more accepting and trusting that situations will turn out ok - again, less of 'me' in there probably has alot to do with it.

Log Update 03/08/2013

Meditation practice seems pretty unstructured at the moment - lots of concentration but not much else 'happening'. Concerned I am spacing out as it defaults to very expansive states. I have become more aware of internal chatter and mid wandering, which I pull up from each time. However, it seems to be less of a prevailing force than it was. Its as if I have enough objectivity now to watch it and disregard more easily. I am also watching the silent and still spaces more too. Is this awareness? I watch and learn. Last night was in a very equanimous state and experienced a single strong fruition. Presume this is the same fruition as the SE fruition - have no idea what a 2nd path fruition would be like - same or different. Not even sure I have started on that path yet - definitely in new territory.
Going for walks every day and insights seem to be more obvious during this activity. Doing more serious noting again to keep in the present moment more as its very effective at this and it seems that more structure to practice would be helpful at the moment. Today whilst noting I noticed that everything I saw, heard, smelt, felt had an impression, perception or memory attached to it. I was able to identify each and see this process. A car of a certain type and colour, a painted post, a type of light on the road, a grassy bank....they all had opinions, memories, attitudes attached to them that I could see come up immediately as I experienced the sensory stimulii. This was all noted. I guess this is part of the mind maintaining the cohesive story of identity - linking disparate data with itself (the self) as the central unifying experiencer - the centre point. It was like the game where you say something and someone has to tell you the first thing that comes into their head. I kind of played that today. Still alot of wonderment and joy.
Contemplating the concept of everything being perfect just as it is and using that standpoint (hypothetical in my case) to identify the nature of my dissatisfaction with any particular 'situation' being just as it is. What if I didn't care or mind? Why do I mind? and of course who am I anyway? This is also resonated with my interested in surrender/letting go .