Rod's Practice Journal

Log Update 29/04/13

Meditated last night for 55 mins sitting and about 30 mins lying down. Noting all sensations of jhanas themselves. Once in 4th noted all sensations and back to seeing 3C's as much as possible. Remaining passive and watching rather than 'searching' for anything. This morning meditated for 60 mins before getting up - watched breath for about 10 mins then went straight to 4th jhana and noted all sensations. Pragmatic reason for this was wanting to start the work day with a clearer calm mind. Noted on the way to work on motorbike - mostly 'seeing' <!-- s:) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt="" title="Smile" /><!-- s:) --> of course but found the concentration easy since its a concentrated activity that favours noting anyway. Also noted irritation at crazy drivers and at traffic not doing what I 'wanted it to do' - rich ego noting territory of course. Busy day today so only occasional noting of emotions during interaction with people etc.

Log Update 30/04/13

Flu gone. Last night I went for a slow walk around the neighbourhood noting steps. I slowed down to a point where I could do 2 notes per step (Heel, roll) I noticed (heel, roll, push, lift, forward, lower, heel etc etc) but unless I walked very very slowly, this was not possible to note. I will do this but last night did it for an hour - about 3 times round a suburban block. Got pretty focused just on the sensations in my feet. It was dark and quiet with very few people so made it easier to focus. Although to a passer-by I must have looked like some sort of praying mantis stalking along in the shadows

When I got home, sat for 60 mins and started at a high level of concentration. I noted all sensations through the jhanas and in the 4th jhana. Woke up at 1.30am feeling like I had slept alot longer. Watched and noted thoughts and sensations. Woke again around 3.30 and watched and noted again - hard to keep from getting swept up into thought streams - noted this too. Woke up at 6.00 and meditated till 7.00am moving quickly to 4th and noted sensations there. I was able to see the cause/effect of thoughts and tightness in the body. I also found that when intense itchy spots occurred on my face, I would note intention and scratch them. I noticed that they were different to normal itchy spots in that when I scratched them, there was no place that could be scratched it was almost under the skin. Strange - no actual point of irritation - just a region that really was just eased when the area was rubbed.

Really busy day so not much noting through the day except noting key emotional responses in certain situations - such as irritation, feeling threatened/insecure, etc. I hope to increase noting through the day when practice improves with .....practice

Log Update 01/05/13

Last night did 60 mins walking meditation. Walked slow enough to note 3 movements per step using iphone app (heel, roll, push). Got very concentrated and when my mind wandered and I kept walking, the idea that this was happening without 'me' and was not 'me' emerged and became quite a strong object to investigate (not sure I am describing this very well). Also noted subtle feelings of sadness and melancholy. Once back home, I sat for 60 mins and found concentration very strong. I noted all sensations through jhanas to 4th and noted sensations there. I started to note sensations as 'not me' as I was able to see them. Went to sleep and woke up at 2.30 and noted sensations and thoughts. Still very difficult to remain uninvolved in thought streams and this is especially difficult in the early hours as the rested mind is very energetic and get very active. Therefore its a good opportunity to note it at its most vibrant I guess. Meditated for 60 mins at 6.00 and got up at 7.00. Felt very 'buzzy' - lots of varying vibratory energy as I lay in bed.
Once again, not alot of noting today since work was so busy with meetings all day

This is great.
These days, how does it feel to know these sensations as not self? Forced? Profound? Obvious and normal? Obvious and profound?

Hi Nick,
It felt firstly obvious but there was this little level beneath that was tantalising, a thread of something important. I explored but after a little time it became forced. So will keep gently teasing it out. Tonight got home very late so cannot do the walking meditation but will do tomorrow night. Will sit tonight instead.

Log Update 03/05/13

Through the night I woke up alot and noted. Thoughts were very strong and sticky - it was hard to not get swept up in them. I tried to note them but ended up with a headache trying to note them rather than be them. A bit of sleep would have been good too. Meditated yesterday morning for 60 minutes noting sensations. I looked at the ubiquitous flashing in my field of vision and it seemed slower, I watched and could see the black sections between the visuals better than before. Not sure if it was flashing at a slower rate or my mind was faster/sharper. Noted all other sensations, reverting to breath and back to other sensations whilst going through jhanas to 4th.
Very busy day at work and then work dinner so didn't get home to very late so sat for 40 mins before going to sleep. Noted sensations and thoughts. On these buy weeks, I feel practice momentum slipping away which is frustrating. This morning I woke up at 6.00 and meditated till 7.00 going to 4th jhana directly and residing there inorder to refresh my mind. Hard to know if any of this is 'waking me up' at all. Around a basically happy disposition I see frustration, sadness, hope, then futility and aimlessness. I have learned that intellect will not help me here so I am leaning towards surrender, letting go and relentless enquiry to counter. It is now Friday night and I can finally wind down a little, focus on practice and treat the weekend like a mini retreat. ......oh and note my ass off

Log Update 04/05/13

Last night did walking meditation for 70 minutes, getting easier and more coordinated. Still on 3 notes per step. Also noted irritation at cars and headlights etc. Very similar to sitting meditation now - mind wanders, note the thoughts and come back to noting steps. Moved awareness to the disconnection between steps and mind etc. Got home and sat for 60 minutes. Moved through jhanas slowly letting each develop and noted components of each more diligently. In 4th watched sensations particularly subtle vibrations in limbs and flashing in visual field. Late to bed so slept through to 5.30 and meditated tip 8.30. Watched breath then moved slowly through each jhana, watching for all factors for each and watching the mind states in each. In 4th watched body vibrations again and also watched violet blue shapes developing in the middle of the visual field. Gradually expanding like inkblots to cover most of the field but always changing in shape and intensity and flashing. I noted their impermanence. Then, for some reason they changed colour to cream white light and continued in the same way. I watched this for a while, noting impermanence. Maybe these were nimitta? Haven't really noticed them particularly before - this time, were quite distinct. Also watched thoughts form and watched how the mind was grabbing them and discerning their content - almost like an artisan, it was picking up what almost seemed random issueing forth of thoughts, and exploring, developing the content so that the two were almost indistinguishable - I can see that the term 'sticky' is very apt. In 4th jhana, thoughts are not so strong and frequent so I guess it was easier to watch and make sense of than normal? I noted the distinction between the thoughts and the mind then was aware of something else. Not sure - it was 'me'. What is 'me'? Where is 'me'? At this point I started to see that I was intellectualising and analysing rather than watching and stopped.

Sat this afternoon for 90 minutes slowly developing each jhana and watching the factors of each, surrendering to each and noting their impermanence. In 4th watched the equanimity and how it 'muted' external sensations (noises) and thoughts and feelings. I watched the subtle vibrations and tried to direct concentration to them, trying to feel vibrations and see flashing in the visual field at once. Awareness of the body is pretty low in 4th but i watched for boundaries or absence of them between my body and not my body. I tried to be more absorbed in this vibratory sensation to see what would happen. I started to sense particles vibrating and the normal mental picture of my body shape started to become indistinct (not sure this is describing things very well). Then moved awareness to my mind and thoughts, noted the distinction and then asked the question who is this? What is this? Where is this? At the asking of these questions, there was a little rush of excitement that I noted. I tried not to be distracted by it but too late! At that very focused point, it appeared these questions might yield something. It was like, I had been able to separate out components to a point where a different view might be available.

After that walked to the shops, noting steps (normal speed) to meet my wife for dinner. I think I am getting a better understanding of how to combine concentration and insight practice. Seems useful so far.

Log Update 05/05/13

Sat last night for 60 mins noting sensations and awareness of impermanence and non-self, moving slowly through jhanas to 4th. Watched thoughts appear and noted the stickiness of the mind again. Noticing if other than mind was available to my awareness. Woke up at 6.00 and meditated till 8.00 moving to 4th jhana. Mind was more agitated usual and dropped out (presume fell asleep) whilst in 4th jhana then came to and visual field showed white spots evenly distributed across a black background not flashing, then gradually they started flashing and aggregating to ever smaller particles until the visual field looked like a snowy TV screen and returned to the usual shapes moving, forming and disappearing. Not sure what this was but was interesting. Was still in 4th jhana when I came to and continued on for a while and then finished the session. Noted for rest of day on and off and also leaned attention to awareness as distinct from mind. Lots of reading and contemplation today, intellectual exercise yes but letting it soak into practice and approach. So many questions but I probably would find the answers opaque unless I experienced them myself so will carry on careful not to intellectualise.

Log Update 06/05/13

Walking meditation for 75 mins. Got quite focused and getting better at this, noting steps with 3 notes per step. Getting better at dwelling in awareness as I watch the mind and body, noting thoughts, sensations, emotions actions etc. Sat for 60 mins once I got home and focused on concentration practice and noting whilst in 4th jhana. Still noting mind activities and also noting jhana elements.

This morning meditated to 4th jhana and noted whilst there. Noted on the way to work. Through the day I watched the mind, being aware of the distinction of mind from my awareness and that most things I experience are ladened with fabrications of mind. This seems to be getting easier to disentangle them. Travelling for the rest of the week so hopefully greater chance to practice in hotel and on flights etc.

Log Update 09/05/13

Travelling over the past few days for work so practice has been less structured but ongoing nevertheless. Meditation has been in shorter more frequent sessions with as much noting as possible. Being able to 'stand back' from the mind and more easily identify its activities without getting lost in content is getting easier but the 'stickiness' means that at this stage constant vigilance is needed. Sleep has been patchy with waking periods a good opportunity to note mind states and thoughts since the mind is very active at these times. Average meditation times have been 40 minutes with 3 times a day over the past 3 days possible (Morning, early evening and late evening). Some sessions using jhana and noting in 4th and others non-jhana or interspersed jhana and noting through. Over this time, itching and mental distraction has been disruptive and presume its either lagging concentration and/or a different stage on path - hopefully forward stage rather than regression. Back home tonight and chance to do walking meditation again.

Log Update 10//05/13

Yesterday morning woke up at 3.10am and noted until drifted off to sleep again (possibly 30 mins). Woke up at 5.00 and meditated noting through jhanas into 4th jhana until 6.45. Noting is getting easier with more subtle sensations being perceived. Not much noting through the day due to lots of work. Got on the plane to come home and meditated for the whole flight (1.5 hrs) got to 4th jhana quickly and resided there. noting sounds, thoughts, sensations etc. Once landed I felt very fresh and alert which is different to normally how I feel after these flights. In the taxi home, was able to note continuously for the whole trip (45 mins approx.) and got home feeling calm and not tired. Last night meditated for 60 mins through jhanas noting into 4th. Woke up this morning at 6.00 and meditated for 60 mins with same approach. Itching is very prevalent on face and head - I watch it, note it, it is not a solid sensation but rather a group of vibratory sensations that become very concentrated. I noted the intensity of the itches varied seemingly dependent on what my level of concentration was - so it appeared that there was a 'band width' within which they were most active and I was able to move in across that bandwidth - at the lower side it was just outside of 4th jhana, and on the upper side somewhere within 4th jhana where it disappeared with increased absorption. However it pops up in lower jhanas so it it is not linearly aligned with mind strata exactly as jhanas are it seems. It also pops up with less intensity during some noting. Will be interesting to see if it appears in tonight's walking meditation session. Scratching does ease it however, the cause of it is not located with scratching as it would be with say a bug bite or irritated part of the skin. Its like there is no source. Strange. I am keen to see more of the relationship between the itch, the scratching, the urge to scratch etc.
With noting, the mind is more appearing as a separate package, less expansive - kind of like it is clearer to see its boundaries? not sure if this is the best way to explain it. Maybe its just clearer to see its workings and is becoming more familiar.
[b:1mh8dqwu]Reflective Note:[/b:1mh8dqwu] Listening to music right now, I note excitement, pleasure, happiness, distraction and find I am easily focusing on each note as it is played - a sound or collection of sounds played in one instant that change to the next instant with the next note or chords played - each note/chord a world of sense contact in itself but when perceived as a continuous stream of notes, presents and even more complex and different world of sense contact - what an amazing template for emotions, thoughts etc to be stimulated from. How is music experienced as one becomes more awakened I wonder?

Log Update 12/05/13

Friday night did walking meditation for 65 mins at a speed where I could note 3 notes to each step representing three distinct phases of heal, roll toe/push. Being in the dark, it tended to dull the tendency of the eye to roam around and so was able to get quite concentrated. I did consider value of noting all sensory data, and did note distraction events as I became aware of them. I also tried adding the question of who am I/who does this? to introduce one of the 3 C's into the practice. It got a bit confusing and I tended to sit it in the background. Through my readings I got into Ramana Maharshi and experimented with moving awareness to ....well awareness whilst the mind was more or less occupied on noting steps. Tended to manifest as spacy awareness out the back and top of my head. I realised that it probably is more correctly being aware of all of 'me' doing and being whatever at any moment. This would take practice as I could not get a bead on it yet and recognised I was probably loading up this walking meditation with too many things and not doing any very effectively. Got home and meditated 60 mins sitting and about 30 mins lying down before falling asleep. This was mixed jhana and noting and not very diligent questioning of who does this? attached to each note e.g. who feels this, who thinks this, who hears this? etc.

Woke up through the night with very active mind, fixated on a situation at work and having such a great time hanging all sorts of speculative ideas on it, all negative and insecurity driven. I could see that it was not good, but hard to let go and get outside of it to objectify it. Eventually was able to get over it. Generally though I noticed it may have been symptomatic of some strong energy/vibratory stuff that was going on. It was building over the last couple of days, not particularly negative, and was also evident through the higher level of flashing in my eyes when closed. It also seemed the rate of flashing had slowed and it was easier for me to watch it.

Yesterday morning, meditated for about 90 minutes, feeling very balanced and calm, I decided to jump straight to 4th jhana as it felt as if I was near that territory anyway. Got there, and watched and noted. The visual field flashing was 'big' again and slow and I could discern its alternations more easily than in the past. Took bus and noted during trip. Interesting though that I seemed to be less concentrated on noting than through the past week - easier to drift off or forget to do it. Hope I am not going backwards.

Read a lot yesterday on the direct approach such as Ramana Maharshi just to learn more about it and his life etc. Very interesting and quite keen to continue trying out the 'who am I' approach in practice. This presumably could correspond with no self focus in the 3 C's?

Last night did walking meditation for 70 mins - found a playing field up the street that is unlit and deserted at night, making great territory for walking meditation. Kept it simple on 3 notes per step and occasionally questioning who is doing this and noting distractions. Got home and meditated for 60 mins sitting and 70 mins lying down moving quickly to 4th jhana and noting there - physical sensations, emergence of the itchy spots and passing of them, thoughts, equanimity feeling and awareness itself (Difficult to discern). I also tried a technique that I found from Bhante Vimalaramsi talks about claiming that there is a need for a 'relax' step when doing breath meditation - relaxing tension in the head alternated with recognising and tranquilising bodily formations as outlined in the Satipattana Sutta. I found a big part of jhanas is letting go and relaxing but tried this as relaxing the head is not generally considered so much. It seemed to work - seemed to lead to better quality concentration but it could be that this was due to just giving the mind another thing to do. Will try again as tension in the head should be address like any other tension.

This morning meditated for 70 mins straight into 4th jhana again, noting sensations - seemed easier today and when finished, feel great - very energised. I looked out the window and saw a beautiful sunny morning and noted it as a 'like' sensation then noted the resultant excitement feeling in my solar plexus, which then fed back to my sense of happiness and well being and so on. Interesting to note this process. Whilst I have seen thoughts lead to body sensations, I have not followed them beyond that to see the loop it seems to take.

Note: Itching sensations on face and head still occurring but not as intense this morning, however last night were occurring on body (not meditating) - like the occasional fly landing on your skin. The face and head are occurring mostly during meditation but also whilst noting and also doing neither.

Log Update 15/05/13

Spent the last 3 days at a residential course with not much alone time, so practice was confined to intermittent noting through the day and noting when waking up through the night. Meditation at night and morning with average durations of 60 mins each session. Most notable is that since Sunday evening meditation every meditation session I am experiencing pulsing/throbbing energy throughout which distorts concentration and makes it harder to reside in Jhanas. Third Jhana gives some relief and is not as hard to get into and 4th is harder to get into but if sufficiently deep into it, also gives relief. I have not noticed any other associated issues - no headache although I would expect this to give me something like that as it could be pretty disturbing. When not meditating, I am fine although feeling a little jumpy/agitated and can find this distorting energy there if I try. So this has been consistently there in each sit. Interesting. The itching also comes and goes through meditation sessions and I am noticing it pop up through normal daily life as well but not significant. Have been directing awareness to sensations happening randomly, without my choosing.

Log Update 16/05/13

Walking meditation last night for 50 mins. Noting steps sensations and distractions, mind states. Meditated sitting for 50 mins and lying down for 40 mins. Pulsing energy felt again throughout with a roughness or inconsistency of vibrations - like a car engine running badly out of tune - a dissonance is there. I have found that expansive awareness seems to be the best way to deal with this - anything focused makes it worse - so 1st and 2nd jhana are not great, whereas 3rd and 4th are better. 3rd is the easiest and 4th whilst hard to get into and stay there puts it very much into the background whilst in it. I have also found getting into 4th jhana is easier with lateral expanded awareness rather than the usual spherical awareness that I use to enter it. The same for 3rd Jhana. Woke up at about 1.30 and noted thoughts and sensations till falling back to sleep (about 30 mins) This morning, I was able to reside in 4th jhana for most of the 60 min session and watch sensations from there without being caught up in the turbulent energy and found the residual calmness from that beneficial. Noted intermittently through the day but whilst the 'turbulent' energy is there if I look for it, I am not noticing too much evidence of it in daily life except I am starting to feel more tired in the evenings and this evening I have pain behind my eyes which is not usual for me. Additionally, I am noticing that mind states like sadness, self pity, irritation are subtly present which is not normal for me either. Itching continues on and off the cushion.
Reflective Note: Since this has been going for a few days now, I suppose it might indicate the Dukkha Nanas in the theravadan maps - but whatever it is, it represents new territory for me and presumably some progress and new experience to watch and accept. So it would seem a good idea to keep noting and can definitely see the benefit of jhanas here if only to seek some refuge from this - I can see that if this keeps going for a few weeks or longer, I could get pretty strung out from it. I guess if you are trying to realise that you actually don't exist, its not all going to be euphoria and bliss - so now bring on the bad stuff and what it has to show ( I know I am going to regret that statement..)

Log Update 17/05/13

Last night did walking meditation for 60 mins. This time went straight to dark field and walked continually slowly noting steps and was able to get very concentrated. When I got home, sat for 60 mins, for half the session I just watched and noted the turbulent energy and itchy spots on face with broad awareness to cope with the 'big' and variable vibrations. After that, I went through the jhanas - 1st was similar as it is pretty turbulent, 2nd was difficult as it was quite focused and I could not stay there for long and it was pretty light, 3rd was ok - broad awareness and 4th took some effort but I was able to get into it and the vibrations etc were turned down and I could watch with big awareness. I meditated lying down, watching the same. Woke up at around 1.30am and noted thoughts and vibrations until falling back to sleep (about 40 mins). Woke up at 5.30 and meditated noting sensations starting at 3rd jhana and into 4th jhana until 6.40. I noted during a meeting and about 5 notes into it, my upper lip started itching strongly - I continued as long as I could before being required to respond in the meeting. Aware of big vibrations through the day - sometimes throbbing in the head and other times buzzy energy in the body - a little like excitement feels. I notice this evening that my eyes are sore and I am more tired than normal - was a busy day so could be that but this uneven vibratory experience is not calming. Keeping awareness big and getting to know the state I am in. Still smiling.

This journal has a great level of detail and richness, thank you for sharing it. And it shows a solid, diligent practice.

What can you say about the samatha vs. vipassana balance in your practice? How did you get to determine it? What do you think would happen if you shifted it (to either side)?

Thanks for looking in Nick - appreciate your comments, advice an questions. The samatha/vipassana balance has taken a while to work out, mainly because I don't know what is effective - alot of people do dry vipassana and I cam at this from samatha first so was not sure about what to do. The samatha has always been there and over the past few months I have brought the vipassana up to it so that now, noting and during jhana I am practicing vipassana and its all wrapped up in jhana. Its only now that I seem to be centred in the dukkha nanas that I am glad I have the jhanas as they give me another tool to deal with the big vibrations and turbulence (especially the 4th jhana). I think the dukkha nanas would be more difficult if I were move to the vipassana side at the expense of samatha (as I practice it) and if I went to the samatha side, it might mute all sensations and I would not know what was going on but more importantly, probably would not progress so much. I am keen to increase the vipassana side in more noting through the day, whilst maintaining samatha in meditation with vipassana - keen to get through the dukkha nanas as fast but as effectively as possible.

Log Update 18/05/13
Walking meditation last night for 70 mins in which I was able to note steps and also maintain wide awareness which reduced the vibratory turbulence. Sat for 40 mins after that and about 40 mins lying down watching and noting itching (not so much this time) vibrations and pulsing sensations and then dropping into 3rd and then 4th jhana again and watching from there. Woke this morning at 5.30 and meditated till 7.00. At first vibratory activity was low but it ramped up and it became difficult to do much more than hover in and out of 4th jhana as I am not fighting it - just trying to know it and work with it. After getting up, I found all morning I had a dull ache in the front of my head behind the eyes - like a tension headache which is not usual for me. I consciously tried to relax my body as I found tightness developing just sitting at the computer - so would do a 'sweep' of the body and head to relax any tensions that had developed. I walked to the shops and noted steps and adopted wide awareness which assisted to reduce the aching. Watching emotions I was aware of flashes of sadness, pity, etc but not consuming at all.
This afternoon, throbbing and turbulence there but not prominent. Meditated lying down for 90 mins watching and 'rolling' with the energy ( as erratic as it is) and tried again to get into 4th jhana. There was lots of excited energy - especially when I expanded awareness broadly and then tried to be aware of infinite space to see if 5th jhana was accessible or helpful - this seemed to excite the energy even more. I kept moving through different sub-strata of 4th jhana (I presume) and I had the sense of just covering alot of ground without actually getting anywhere.
Writing now, feeling calmer - the turbulence seems to be well in the background at present. The aching headache has lessened. Re-read through MCTB section on dukkha nanas and it made alot more sense to me this time through. Interestingly, through all this, I am in good spirits - curious and trusting the process. Might be a different story if I am still experiencing this in a few weeks though <!-- s:? --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_confused.gif" alt="" title="Confused" /><!-- s:? -->

Log Update 19/05/13

Walking meditation last night for 65 mins and then sitting meditation for about 50 mins then lying down meditation on and off all night! I need to explain the sequence of events here. In the walking meditation I walked slow enough to note 3 notes per step as usual heading to the deserted playing field. Once there I walked slow steps following the marked football field boundary up and down very slowly for about 4 lengths. Whilst noting stepping sensations for each foot, I was expanding my awareness in all directions as far as I could. The big dark sky and expanse of field lined by trees and back fences all around me made this easier. Towards the end of this session, concentration was strong and I started to be able to take it all in at once and see that all I was experiencing by all senses was change, and that was now - there could be no future change, nor past change, just change now. Time was irrelevant and only a product of change. (not sure I have explained this well) but the sense of it resonated very strongly with me. I headed back home slowly stepping along the treed and deserted sidewalk.

At home, I meditated sitting. It seemed that the headaches and turbulent energy and big flashing had subsided and I wanted to check if it was just a temporary lull or if things had changed. Concentration was strong from the walking/noting and I tested things with firstly just sitting and watching breath to experience what was happening. All was calm and peaceful. So then I started through the jhanas - first appeared instantly and was solid, 2nd the same, 3rd was strong and 4th just appeared naturally after that. I was not spending long in each. Once in 4th though, I tried to see how equanimous I could get as this had been really difficult to even stay in 4th over the past week whilst in the Dukkha nanas. All was smooth as silk. So sitting in a very relieving peaceful state with no thoughts, no distractions, an 'interruption' occurred so notable against the continuity and smoothness of the background state. Immediately following this was a wave of tingling from top to bottom of my body. Once again, unique, in contrast with where I was and what I was doing. THe question arose, 'what was that'?. I continued and waited. Still in this peaceful state. Then I did a quick scan, and directed attention to 'me', thoughts and vibrations in my head started to race and my mind was reaching down to find 'me' and there was nothing there. Really weird, just nothing, no evidence - a blank space. I kept trying and also realised that I was searching down in the chest area (which was where I presume I thought this part of me resided) and still nothing. Energy in my head was ripping around and the body was joining in too. At the same time, normally all this disruption would have jumped me out of the jhana but now the 4th jhana seemed the normal state. THoughts and energy were racing but I was not part of them. I stood up then lay down on the bed and was going to continue meditating but I couldn't tell the difference between that and non-meditating.

Once laying down, I was just there in that state anyway, with thoughts continuing to race, still no connection to sense of self and the emotional bundle that goes with that. By now I couldn't tell what was excitement and what was the process. There was a sense of panic for a second in my mind as it dawned that maybe things have changed and what it was searching for was gone and will never be back, and there is no turning back. There was definitely a feeling that something was gone, removed and where it was was just blank. I continued to lay down and watch what was happening. There appeared to be another interruption but it was so fast that the wave of tingling sensations was more evidence than the interruption itself. Visual field flashing appeared to follow a pattern - once Iay on the bed the visual field (which had been flashing big time and slower over the past week) appeared to be just milling around, and over some time watching it, it started to flash a little but then would fall back to milling around. Gradually it became more consistent into flashing and then sped to up to a very fast rate that I have not experienced before and with a corresponding energy vibration rate in the body that was really humming along. Once the second interruption occurred and the tingling wave had moved through, the same pattern of visual field sensation occurred. So by about 3.30am I had not slept due to lots of thoughts, lots of questions and all this energy ripping around my body and mind. I gradually started to move in and out of meditative state, dozing and something in between. Dreams involving my deceased father came up - quite neutral dreams but was just aware of him being in them. Another thing I noticed was a slight headache in the middle/back of my head through this experience. This subsided and was not significant.

This morning I woke up at 6.00 and searched for self and still the blank nothing. I meditated with just watching and all was pretty calm, jhanas were easy to get into (but apart from this last week they always have been) and it appeared that there were stages where I would move awareness to be expansive through the meditation where energy would build and then drop off with tingling/release. Writing this now, although a bit tired, all feels normal. The previous effects of the dukkha nanas are gone, feel great and still feel as if part of me is missing.

This is new territory, and I definitely got a sense that something significant had shifted and changed but really cautious about guessing about it.
Is this consistent with equanimity or is it even part of the dukkha nanas? In stream entry there is the famous 'blip' but I am really hesitant to entertain that without more evidence.
As always time will tell but apart from continuing my practice, I would appreciate any advice from those more experienced in this area on how to approach practice moving forward.

Rod, sounds like you got it to me! Good work let it settle and see where you're next sits are like.

Yeah, sounds like Path. The next few days will probably clear things up. Whatever it is, it's a gold mine of insight and my hat's off to you for your determination.

Stream Entry and depersonalisation experiences don't necessarily go hand in hand, neither implies the other although they do come together in many cases. If this isn't path, chances are that the old self will come back and things will feel the same after a while. If this is path, you will become more and more sure as time passes, even if the sense of self comes back in some form.

Stream Entry and perceived blips don't necessarily go hand in hand, neither implies the other although they do come together in many cases.

As an example, I perceived a blip during meditation followed by a couple days feeling that the self had vanished months before getting first path. The way I figured it hadn't been path was seeing the sense of self come back intact a few days later. When I did reach first path, I didn't notice any blip at that time, and the relationship with the self changed in a less blunt way -- in that it's now obvious that thoughts aren't self, can't be self and could never have been self, but I never felt depersonalised as that earlier time.

My experience is that in Review, the practice takes care of itself, both in intensity and technique. &quot;You&quot; don't have that much of a say.

Thanks Nick, your experience here is very helpful because I am being cautious with my assessment here. I also had blips just before the A&amp;P (which I thought I already had) so its all pretty confusing. So as you said the next few days will be interesting and instructive. I keep looking at the blank where the self was to check and its still not there but lets see. It would appear I am into equanimity since the dukkha symptoms seem to have passed so that is helpful. I will practice on. Another 'interruption would be helpful and telling but that would be too easy wouldn't it <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt="" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: -->

Log Entry 20/05/13
Meditated last night for 60 mins sitting then lying down for about 40 mins. Started the sit watching breath as the anchor and watching sensations. Started with what I think was an A&amp;P (It was like a really bubbly 2nd jhana that was softer and ran a course without my effort). Normally piti and sukkha have always been bubbling away close to the surface for me but in this case it just happened and sustained itself for a while then we jumped to some itching and turbulent stuff. Various forms of this ensued for a while and then settled down. But I was also aware of lots of energy movement with visual field occasionally shaking like a camera being moved. It was the big sharp turbulence of the dukkha nanas, just lots of movement like something was being digested. I tried to drop into jhanas and managed the 2nd and 3rd but the 4th was just not going to happen - things were going their own way. I then lay down and continued with similar experience. I went to sleep and slept well till 6.00am. Meditated till 7.00. The same moving around of energies and non sequential stages with a period of the finest equanimity just happening in their somewhere. My effort to get into any jhanas at this point was almost going agains the process, or thats how it felt. I also watched for fruitions and still have yet to experience another after the first and possible second on Saturday night. I guess this lack of repeatability so far places some doubt in my mind as to if I had got stream entry. But what I am experiencing is nothing like anything before, even the dukkha nanas and yet all these stages seem to be there although I am not sure they are sequential. Is this the cycling that people talk of? Is cycling meant to be in sequence or just general jumping around the nanas? I am not used to experience the nanas as my jhana approach pretty much muted their appearance except for the really obvious sensations so I don't really know. I very much get the feeling that things are doing their own thing. I keep checking for the connection to self and still its not there, still a blank. I wonder if it just needs some time for things to arrange themselves and the features of this state will then become clear and more functional.

Today at work was one of the most contented I have ever had. I was fascinated as I sat and met with people and was able to calmly interact with no affect reaction or running self focussed commentary internally. Absolutely wonderful. Sitting at my computer I was surprised to start an A&amp;P at will which actually surprised me as it developed into a rich tingly bubbly sensations and once again sustained for quite a while and I had to cut it short. I was able to do this a couple of times. This is new.
The day was notable but the solid contentment I had - not excitement or over happy, just big contentment. If this were all that happened, from my limited perspective, it would still be worth the effort so far. Everyone should do this I kept checking if the self connection was there and it wasn't. I watched my reactions and feelings when interacting with people and it was calm. How much mental and emotional energy must we be saving by not having this connection to self I wonder.

Practice-wise I am not sure what the best course is - do I keep noting? I expect meditation is a bare minimum. As always, advice is very welcome. I had better stop rambling like an idiot now

Log Update 21/05/13

Walking meditation last night for 65 mins. Concentration was strong and moved awareness to movement as change as now. Taking a panoramic awareness of all movement at once. Lots of odd little sensations throughout. Once back home, meditated sitting for 60 mins and then lying down for 80 mins. The purpose of this evening's practice was to try an replicate the night of suspected stream entry. Whilst sitting I watched breath till quite concentrated then tried jhanas up to 4th which were strong and easy. Once in 4th I sat and watched. Not much happened so I dropped out of 4th jhana and just watched. I started to see that I was in the dukha nanas evidenced by a slight headache and jumpy vibrations and intense itch on my face that came and went. Soon after it seemed I moved into equanimity then there was what seemed a build up, then a sudden drop and then whip back of energy. It was quick and I wasn't sure if this was a fruition or a near miss or what. I continued and this happened a couple more times. So I kept going then the next minute found my head had dropped and I was jerking it back up with a blank in between, then found myself with all the tingles and bubbly vibrations of A&amp;P. I continued to watch and moved through a fairly non-descript stage (dissolution I presume) then into the dukkha nanas with headache and jumps vibrations etc then on to equanimity and then another dip and onto A&amp;P again. I went through this quite a few times. Finally I could see what people talked about with 'cycling'! Each cycle was taking about 20 -30 mins. So the 'pea soup' of the day before had started to pull itself together and was only dimly aware of then, was much clearer and sequential now. An of course I checked for connection to self and still find a blank. Went off to sleep at about 1AM then woke at 5.00 and meditated again watching. Things were slow to start but eventually and A&amp;P turned up and the cycling continued with a dip at the end of each. Finished at 6.30

Today at work was in a meeting all morning not requiring much of my input so I started to look within to watch my reactions to the conversation etc comparing to how it used to look last week and how different my reactions might be and saw a very calm baseline that was relatively unaffected by what was going on. Very little commentary and it wasn't about me. Then I became aware of the cycling and started to watch that. It was subtle but definitely happening. BY the end of the meeting I had watched 4 cycles with 4 fruitions (I presume this is what they are). It was amazing to watch this in waking time through the day. I didn't know this was possible. This afternoon was harder to see because I was alot more active and concentrating on specific work things. So from this I guess I can confirm stream entry has occurred. I guess a question here is how long does this cycling go for - is this how it is forever? How does this become another path? Is it different to pre-stream entry path? Will I have to drive the practice or will it continue to do its own thing from here? Of course I am sure mileage varies from one to another person.

Log Update 22/05/2013
Sitting meditation last night for 50 minutes, then lying down for about 45 mins. No jhanas, just watching the cycling and noting the stages and characterstics of the nanas as I pass through them. Trying not to will anything, just letting it take its own path. Fruitions vary in intensity each time. Cycling is about 20 minutes duration. Started to relax on checking for connection to self. Woke up at 1.30 am feeling like I had slept 8 hours (this happened pre stream as well) then watched the cycling for a while which took a little while to become evident then fell asleep. Woke at 5.00am and meditated watching cycling again, no jhanas, and noted characteristics until 7.00am.

Today at work, another long meeting in which I was able to watch the cycle and fruitions in the background. I guess this will where off but its quite fascinating to watch. Not sure how long this stage will last and also not sure what happens between this and picking up the next path. Advice would be appreciated on what generally might happen next.