beoman's practice thread

(NOTE: finished this post, wasn't sure whether to post it. but it is what i am currently feeling, so in the interest of full disclosure, here it is anyway. don't take it to mean that i am claiming this or that... it's just what i'm currently experiencing. i'm not asking anyone to accept any claims i make.)

hmm well was in bathroom thinking about the stuff i read from Nick + Owen's practice threads, trying to trace suffering'¦

went out to buy naked juices. walked around after. was focusing inward'¦ then i just decided to look outward at everything, instead. i realized that i had been overlooking the '˜looking inwrad' as a sensation and wasn't really watching it. then there was a blip.. like the image of the world i was seeing got replaced with one just like it, except plainer, in a way. i felt like it was cleaner, like there was less between me seeing it and me seeing it.

no bliss wave, no twitching or anything.

wondering if that was it, of course. probably not'¦ i don't feel 'done'. or do i? i can't tell yet. still have unpleasant sensations, but i can't tell if they bother me or not.

walking around and looking at stuff in that '˜state', if that's what it was, was fun, though, will have to try it again.

'”'”

currently'¦ that nagging feeling i was having might be gone, but i can't tell. there's currently no immediate sense of relief, or anything. but something might be different.

i definitely have no desire to talk about Oneness or unity or subject and other being one or non-duality or putting scare quotes around 'i' when i'm just talking. but soomething may or may not be different'¦

===============

(few minutes later) haha just walked around being ridiculously happy for 10 minutes, just smiling, on the verge of laughing at any moment. currently have a huge smile on my face now. hahaha. this is ridiculous. and im watching my hands typing and it's kind of cute and i have to sneeze.

(few minutes after) aw still annoying feelings coming up

==============

anyway, ill continue to report sits as they happen, with phenomenological descriptions as before

no sits yet, but: lots of annoyance, agitation, desire to be done, impatience. desire to leave work so i can go meditate properly. my intention is to observe all sensations, including those of the self, as they are. also a better understanding of "in the seeing, just the seen".. i will try to rest in that on my rollerblade home.

===== START =====

first half of rollerblade home was annoyed, annoyed, caught up in my own thoughts, very small-minded, annoyed.

i stopped near the river and looked at it for a bit. calmed myself down. took it all in. a few minutes later i resumed and i was much calmer, able to observe myself rollerblading along peacefully.

at home, set timer for 1 hour. started off agitated, annoyed, annoyed, searching... i actually didn't note vocally so much, and at first didn't even note mentally, but definitely annoyed, annoyed. visual field i wasn't paying attention to so much but it expanded, at some point i could feel like a sphere of black/darkness was added onto my vision (expanding it)... lots of flickering came in at some point but i forgot when.

mentally i was trying to let go, to let go, to let my mind do what it has to, but thoughts kept sticking, annoyed, let go, annoyed, let go. i was trying to not treat my sense of self as any more important than the other sensations, but it seemed i couldn't really notice that.

after a while of being annoyed, annoyed, i start being relaxed, calm, relaxed. i take it all in. i focus on the sounds outside my window, the sensations on my body, and just observe. thoughts would arise, but i'd observe, not giving it any more importance. then started a chain, but an interrupted chain, of 'self-sensation' as i describe it. it was just like annoying pockets of stickiness/unpleasantness, one after the other. it was kind of like thoughts but not really. sometimes i would slip off any daydream for a second or two, but when i came back, calm, calm, observing, calm. meanwhile lots of visual flickering, at first chunky (like watching a movie frame by frame), but later smoother yet still flickering, almost whole field of vision at once this time.

timer rings on this calm note.

===== END =====
wow one fit < 2000 char limit!

Brilliant report, Beoman. It reads like poetry and there is nothing there but the facts. Keep on keepin' on.

3 mini-reports:

1) was lying down in bed, not really meditating, not really not meditating, just kind of relaxing. a build-up forms in my head, around the center of the head. then i feel this huge knot try to move down through my head. when it moves, it feels like it's dragging my entire head with it, and i feel like my head is being lifted off the pillow when it happens. i don't really control it, but it seems to keep "trying" on its own. i feel like if it were to succeed something good would happen, but i can't force it, and it doesn't make it.

2) set timer for 90 minutes before going to sleep. started off annoyed, annoyed, as before, itchy. soon got into a relaxed state. then i realized that really, _everything_ is just a sensation, including the location and intensity of physical stuff (so a pressure in my head might be pressure, in head, intense, unpleasant, and those are all separate sensations), including thoughts. i don't note, but try observing all phenomena like this. i feel like i can really keep track of them. when mental thoughts arise i try to observe them as mental and self instead of following them. however i get sleepy, and decide it best to rest and meditate later, so i go to sleep with 50 mins left on the timer.

3) just now, sat for 15 minutes. same state as end of yesterday, calm, relaxed. i try the same approach of observing everything without noting specifically. here i realize that thoughts aren't "attached" to things, but are also separate, and also don't really have a location, though it seems like they do, somewhere in my head maybe? but yes, there is a physical sensation, and a thought, and they are separate. also thoughts of other thoughts being annoying are separate, as well as thoughts of sense of self, etc...

==== START ====

decide to do jhanas for a bit... i don't want to get absorbed in the pleasantness, but i want to try getting some samatha jhana before the insight and see how that works out. Note: this whole sit will be kind of out of order as it was confusing/unordered for me

set the timer for one hour. sit on the cushion. i focus on the breath (instead of starting to note/observe which i usually do). focus, focus. within 2-3 seconds i start feeling pleasant sensations on my body and a pressure in my head. i'm unsure whether to 'give in' to the pleasant sensations and let those fill my body as i know they can, or to follow the breath more, but i choose the breath.

as i get more concentrated, i can see why some people choose this method. focusing on the breath gives me strength, in a way. even though crazy hectic things are happening (my vision is flickering like crazy, have some itching, mind wanders a bit), i just focus on the breath. it seems like a distinct element amidst everything, watching it go in, go out. the mind definitely wandered less than usual. i think to focus on the pleasant sensations of the breath itself, and soon it feels like a thick, sweet syrup, going in, going out, calming, enjoyable...

at some point i switch to the body, and i can feel the entire front half of my body move up and down in unison, again very solid feeling. here i got a strange thing which hasn't happened for a few months, in that i could feel the left and right side of my body alternately pulsing.

i sometimes 'peek out' to investigate things, and actually return to the breath if i start to lose focus, as opposed to... doing nothing, before. it is nice. less intense than bare noting. the image i had was: bare noting is like jumping naked into a pit with ravenous wolves. you can observe them but they will bite you.

with samatha as a basis you get some armor, or a bubble if it's very strong, and you can observe the same things but with less pain =).

at some point the pleasant body sensations fade and i'm left more with a warm feeling behind my eyelids and in my head, though still with pressure on top.

around here i kind of lose focus. wasn't sure what to do so... i turn to investigation, sans noting. what happens a few times is a strange thing which i'll call a "state shift". basically i'll be in some state with some defining quality of vibration/light behind the eyes/flickering, etc., then there'll be a few moments of a shifting feeling, maybe my body twitching a little, then i'll end up in a different state. unsure what causes it.

one shift was from less flickering to more flickering.

one shift felt like a 'power down', and i imagined the power-down noise from a huge generator turning off when it happened. flickering slowed down, there was more blackness, and it seemed to be more expanded, and much lesser intensity.

one shift was from there to a bit more intensity... another shift brought more intensity...

around here i switch from sitting to lying down as my leg is falling asleep. i keep watching... here i decide to just really relax, let go, and enjoy those pleasant sensations, so i do so, and they start building up, i start smiling... my mind starts wandering more. i believe my energy dropped off a good amount, looking back. then suddenly, a really noticeable shift, and bam! my whole field of vision is now uniform dim white, flickering almost in unison, and my energy is way up. i sit upright again. alarm rings. i turn it off, and sit for a little more... in between opening my eyes and closing them again, the colors came back into the vision, it started being murkier, and i just stopped the sit.

the states i 'shifted' to i couldn't follow on any map, so not sure what was going on with them. some of them were similar to each other. also it might just be that i was losing energy, so at least a few of the 'state shift's were me kind of snapping to again. some were definitely not, though.

some addenda: no bliss waves as described earlier. constant flickering in the vision. constant tiny physical sensations going on everywhere.

===== END =====

===== START ====

interesting 45 minute sit.

i resolve to get to the fourth samata jhana and then begin noting from that calm space.

i sit down, get my bearings, start focusing on the breath. pleasant body sensations arise within a few seconds, but this time a bit subdued. it's more like vibrations that aren't necessarily pleasant, but they're not unpleasant. as i focus more on them they become pleasant, though.

there's a bit of a gap in my attention/memory here, but next thing i know, the space behind my eyes has expanded. i'm still aware of my breath, but i decide to pursue the space, instead, and focus on sensations of space. shortly after, i get a slight feeling of vertigo, and the space noticeably becomes larger. the space still seems restricted to be in front of me, though. i try focusing on the edges, and soon the front part above me seems to lose a boundary, and i feel like there is more space on top. i focus on the space around my body / the room i'm in, and i notice a cool sensation on my skin, coolness that wasn't there before and that faded afterwards. soon i get the feeling that i'm simply sitting inside a whole bunch of space. visually, it's spacious, with a few very dim streaks of color and such writhing around in there. mentally, i don't have the single-pointedness i did on my earlier sit, and my mind wanders as usual, but i can sometimes focus and get into a state where it doesn't.

i'm not sure how the next transition occurred, but soon it feels like the space has lost its... three-dimensionality. it's just as black as before, but just much.. flatter. it's like before, i could see a lot of space, but now, there is a black fog blocking my view. all throughout this, by the way, the pressure in my head is incredibly intense. i think it should have felt painful, but it didn't for some reason... but really unpleasant. focused not on my crown but around my eyeballs, on my temples, around my nose.

i decide to try focusing on 'the watcher' and see what happens. as a result, i inadvertently start looking at all the sensations that i was ignoring before (e.g. i could feel my breath but i chose to focus on the space, instead). i just decide to continue doing so. i try noting but as a few days before, i have no desire to open my mouth and use my vocal cords, as i feel it to be too much effort, so i kind of mentally note and kind of observe.

here the mind wandering picks up. my leg is hurting. it's annoying. but i steel myself, telling myself it's all impermanent, i try applying some mindfulness and equanimity, and i continue.

i'm glad i do. i notice some states again that are becoming familiar. they are definitely cycling. i don't know how distinct they are, but it's something like:

(A) one state is just dim white light, no colors, flickering, of course. i feel like my mental power really picks up here.

(B ) another state, i feel a few energetic vibrations while in it / upon entering it. like a vibration starts on a point in my body, spreads to other parts, vibrates quickly/intensely, then stops, and i'll get a few of these, five on one count.

(C) another state has a really noticeable increase in the amount of light i see. it feels like my vision is just lighting up. the last time i was in it, i focused on the light, and it increased in intensity a noticeable degree.

i can't tell if (A) and (C) are the same, or what order they come in, though i think (B ) is after (A) (or maybe before). i believe these were the same ones that i talked about in between the "state shifts" in my last report, except now i wasn't so sleepy and could better perceive stuff.

no clue what they are, but maybe i'll watch some jhanic arc videos/audios and see if i can't recognize them. heh it would be cool to just have direct visual and tactile output - would make diagnosing this stuff much easier!

===== END =====

taking a walk, i got into that same state as i did two days ago, this time without any 'blip' / imagination of a blip. basically i just tried observing everything, and it was pretty calming. visually, everything is clearer / more acute. i pay more attention to little visual details, to sounds, to smells, to feelings in my body. definitely calming. looking at my hand is interesting and the feeling that it is 'my' hand is diminished.

thoughts are still there, though. and i still felt annoyed, sad, searching, etc. but maybe it is a bit easier to just treat them as thoughts.

i don't know what the state is. it is effortless, yet i think it can disappear if i follow into my thoughts too much. so the effort is in not getting distracted, but i don't have to concentrate so much to maintain it. it's also pretty chill/laid back, but overall it may just be the state i got into 1-2 months after starting to meditate where everything was really pretty and happy.

soon enough i notice an anxious sensation in my stomach. i focus on that, and it seems to grow. i start thinking/noting fear, fear... realizing that those thoughts earlier i was afraid of having. i note fear/anxiety for a bit. at some point, unsure if scripting, but i start feeling pretty bad in general - my head is hurting from the pressure, there may or may not be that feeling in the pit of the stomach...

here i notice what i'm hearing. this time i was meditating in a very quiet room, and there was tons of ringing in my ear. i hear one constant vibrating drone, maybe 5 times / second. as i focus on it, it speeds up to 11 times/sec or so, then slows down again. every 5 or 6 pulses of that, there is a deeper, lower sound that comes up. on top of this there is also a constant high pitched one, and also maybe a larger overtone that i didn't notice too well but came by once in a while.

after focusing on hearing for a bit, i notice that my stomach feels light and free (no anxious feeling), but this time there is a tightness in my chest. i'm still relaxed mentally, and thankful for that. as i focus on the tightness it grows a bit... then i have to stop as i must go somewhere with my family.

===== END =====

===== START =====


sit today. decided to try again for 4th samatha jhana, and go from there.

i sit, start focusing on the breath. pleasant body sensations arise within 2 seconds. i forget whether to focus on those or the breath, so i keep on the breath for a bit, then on those... my mind wanders, but i try bringing attention back to the breath.

maybe i am out of practice with samatha but i seem to have trouble _not_ noticing everything that is happening, that is, doing vipassana. eventually from the mind wandering and from not seeming to get absorbed, i switch to noting.

visual field is pretty black, subdued. still strains of white color stuff but not much. i am relaxed, i am watching everything and noting rarely. a thought comes up of 'being done', of the pain of not knowing whether to relax, not knowing where i am, that stuff, but i'm able to separate myself from the whole thing, i kind of see it as one (painful) entity, and it fades. other annoying thoughts come up but i am able to do something similar w/ them.

here i get some strange thoughts... like i was at a party last night, and i thought of how i didn't feel like i was really 'there', even though i have memories of deciding to do stuff and being there at the time.

===== START =====

falling asleep after the last post was interesting. kind of fading in and out of meditating / passing out. very much a pattern of awake... nodding off, nodding off... sudden jolt back to awake combined with noticing everything. one such jolt i felt "FEAR!" very clearly, and cringed my neck out of reflex, which ended up hurting a bit.

i had a dream where i was hit by some realization or other i don't remember, i felt like 'giving up' or something, then i felt like i died. basically my whole body rotted away and eventually disappeared, at which point i had a fruition in the dream.

----

last night was very interesting meditation. i started off with what i know of the tai chi form. then i set timer for 1 hour and sat down. first i focused on my breath, then switched to observing everything (without noting).

i was feeling very equanimous indeed, OK with whatever would happen. i got a feeling that "I" was constantly getting in the way and fighting with "myself" while meditating, and how there was no need to do that, really. i really let go. then my breath started getting ragged, started getting quicker. my heart started to pound, faster, faster. it sped up so much and pounded so loudly that i doubt i ever experienced it to that degree, earlier. now i would say i was gripped by an intense fear, but i wasn't... it felt as if i should be feeling fear, except i was so totally okay with whatever was happening that there was no negative reaction to what was happening at all. so, a fear without something to hold on to. as i heard someone else say, it is funny how letting go and not being attached leads to much more intense sensations, which end up affecting you less.

eventually that "fear" died down. visual field this entire sit was very subdued, almost nothing happening there. i kept going, trying to let go in that sublime way i had managed to earlier. i think i was succeeding in that i wasn't just thinking "let go, let go", but i was actually able to feel whatever was happening without any attempt at modifying it.

soon i started getting intense pain in my upper back and neck. it was really quite painful, but again, i was just equanimous. i felt little pockets of pain all along my vertebrae, but that's all they were - pockets of intense pain that didn't affect "me".

timer rang. i went to watch a show w/ family, then came back. around here i think i started getting in my way again as i wanted to just sit for a long time and see this through, use the momentum. i do tai chi form again, sit with timer for 40 minutes, this time. no intense fear this time - i seemed to go right to the pain in the back region. i managed to not have what was happening affect me, but to describe it - mostly a bunch of unpleasant sensations. some anxiety in pit of stomach, a bunch of tightness in the chest. i had a few glimpses of a more relaxed state but they did not last. my confidence of being able to get through whatever began to waver a bit but i stuck with it.

timer rang. another tai chi form, another 40 minutes. don't remember this particular one too well but i believe i got into more of the relaxed state. my mind started wandering, which was annoying. i think this sit (or one of these, anyway) i either "let go" again or pressured myself into something, but my breath picked up again. this time heart rate didn't increase so much, but my chest felt really tight. the feeling intensified, breathing rate increased. got to be quite unpleasant, though wasn't affecting me so much. afterwards into more general unpleasant territory.

decided time to go to sleep. set alarm for 930am (today) so i could meditate more before family awakes. woke up at 9am on my own, went to bathroom, came back, did tai chi form, set timer for 45 minutes. at first i sat in Burmese position. but in a few mins that was getting annoying so i lied down and did that. but in a little i was just kind of impatient in a strange way, so i went back to the chair. throughout i seemed fidgety and was shifting my position constantly. don't remember this one too well.

timer rang. did form again, another 45 mins. don't remember this either, but more of the same. less unpleasantness, more relaxedness.

timer rang, took shower, last 45 mins of the day. this one i sat down, started off focusing on the breath. i felt like i was controlling it for a few breaths, which was annoying. i noticed a little brightening of visual field, which then faded. a bit of anxiety, a bit of chest tightness, unpleasantness, and then the relaxed state. visual field got a bit more interesting again, with faintly colored rings going from outside of vision to the middle, and with a general blue hue. my mind was really wandering and really easily picked up stray trains of thought, which was annoying. i believe i reduced my "get out of the way" "trick" into a mantra or something, as it was harder to apply it, and harder to actually let whatever happens happen. mostly annoyed at the mind wandering...

... i was able to, for a short while, just stay with the intensity of my focus, without thoughts intruding in the troughs. basically i would be very alert, focused, relaxed, looking at everything. then a mental sluggishness would slowly appear, dim everything, make me sleepy almost but not quite. then it would pick up again (along with a loudening of a deep sound in my ears ringing), i'd be alert again, etc. this would happen pretty regularly, every few seconds. i came to associate focus with my ears ringing deeply, and managed to focus on that and keep it afloat and stay focused for a bit. but then again got confused, felt like i was getting in my way, etc... ended up on an annoyed note.

not sure if i should keep doing tons of sits or relax a bit, here. it seems i've gotten myself worked up about progress again, which seems to be hindering it. i do appreciate that i'm able to have fun with such unpleasant sensations though =).

also at some points i had the thought that i was done, i could clearly disembed (especially during the fear episode), that all this cycling was just a formality and kind of pointless... but as i have hit a sort of block at the relaxed state it seems to not be the case, heh.

===== END =====

Heh intense fear - no problem. Sharp pain - no problem. But being in that relaxed state, which I will now re-name to sleepy state, annoyed me to hell. Tried meditating on a car ride. I quickly got to the relaxed/sleepy state, where I would be all right, focused, etc, and then nod off once in a while. When I'd nod off I'd just get really annoyed, in a way that I could not disembed. In fact I think I took the action of disembedding that got me to/through the intense fear, and have accidentally transformed it to something to try to do (instead of not do)... which defeats the point.

On another car ride, I tried meditating while lying down in the back. Strangely I didn't nod off this time - or maybe I was just actually falling asleep in a comfortable way, as I think the car ride was three hours. But I tried feeling pleasant body sensations, felt very relaxed, and even though I guess I did nod off/sleep I wasn't annoyed. Perhaps it is better termed napping than meditating.

Unsure how to continue. Perhaps I should walk around in large open spaces. Going on a cruise, soon, so looking at the ocean should be nice.

Interesting potential insight: some thoughts I seem to decide to follow, arbitrarily. Like when meditating I'll be like "hmm yeah so I should try such and such later tonight." Then I'll catch myself, saying "hey why would i follow the advice of that thought anymore than the 'advice' to stop meditating because this sensation is getting annoying?" it's a thought like any other...

==== START ====

time for another installment of Vipassana Adventures!

set the timer for 45 mins (late at night, but i'm not sleepy).

immediately i feel very solid sensations on my chest. it's quiet, so i listen to the ringing in my ears, and it's just one single, clear, constant note. as i listen more, it shifts, adding other harmonies and frequencies, and i start hearing a background vibration that fades in and out, around 6-7 Hz?

i'm reminded of how i read that one must be focusing on some object in order to do insight, and how i used to think that wasn't the case, until i realized that i tend to alternate between body, thoughts (which are hardest), visual field, and ears ringing.

anyway the hearing gets more and more complex, with a high pitched tone coming in, some lower pitched ones. around this time i focus on my visual field and think i get glimpses of creepy things. i can't be sure, but are those faces? each suggestion of a face makes my pulse go a tiny bit faster. even though it should be scary, and i guess on one level i am, on another i'm just having fun with a happy-go-lucky, come-what-may attitude.

soon it's clear that they are faces. they aren't flesh and blood faces, just wisps being formed by blue and white, but they get clearer and clearer. it looks kind of like they're coming out of a wall, with 2-3 showing at the same time, kind of like this but they aren't skulls.

after that fun thrill (where i'm even almost smiling), faces stop appearing. visually i see more colors and such but they are kind of murky and uncoordinated. in a bit i feel like i get a whiff of some food and i think it vaguely unpleasant. i can feel my face contract in a disgusted manner. 'feh!' i think, although not really, cause i'm just chilling in my head. somewhere here or before here i just got the idea to be supremely happy with whatever is happening at the moment, which is paradoxical in that i think it causes unhindered progress(?).

some more undifferentiated (meaning that i didn't discern it) stuff. i start thinking about getting a Fruition and how i want one. then i think hey, why not have one right now? how about a no-self... i get a sense of things lining up, of being separate for them, a bit of a speed-up... but then, nothing. i think what about impermanence? suddenly the visuals flow a LOT more smoothly, they coalesce into one almost 3-d thing i'm looking at... i force it a bit, maybe i twitch a little, but no blank-out i can discern, no bliss wave.

then i suddenly realize what i said earlier about being happy w/ what is happening, which i was clearly not doing. immediately this "platform for Fruitions" fades away and i'm put back into the state i was before i started thinking about fruitions. guess that was an important lesson.

around here i start hearing a lower-pitched all-encompassing tone in my ear coming in, but not constant. soon enough the timer rings and it's time for bed.

===== END =====

O my god. such a bad mood... pre-thanksgiving dark thoughts all over again. at least i can recognize them now. though i wonder if i can ever be in a bad mood and not blame it on a 'dark night' again.

"happy mood" thoughts - everything is fine, this is great, meditating is fun, hey am i actually done since this is so nice?
"bad mood" thoughts - must go on retreat, job is annoying, why do people smoke and drink so much, how do i relax, stuck in my head, etc.

On that note, I think I will be trying to answer my own questions for a while, and focusing less on communicating my sits/states of mind to others (including to my future self)... for example I was going to ask a 'going back to the basics' samatha question, of whether to stick with the breath or follow pleasant sensations... then i realized hey, i can just try that myself and see what happens. it's how i learned to program effectively, it should work for meditating, too...

I'll check in once in a while if i have 'big news' or a burning question i really can't figure out or what not...