beoman's practice thread

Hello all! Continuing to follow Nikolai's advice, I'm going to post what happens when I sit. I already do this intermittently on a private blog, but perhaps I will just post everything here, as this thing seems to be more encouraged / established than on DhO anyway. Here is a sit I just did a few hours ago:

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Try candle flame. sit down, look at it. close eyes. red dot, stable at first. then it starts flickering in and out. the color shifts to yellow, then back to red.

at some point I start noticing a thin black ring around it, with maybe some rings of other colors, like green, or yellow. At this point the center starts fading in and out. As a whole, the whole dot tends to shrink in size, though. At some point when it's quite diminished, I start noticing colors in the rest of my visual field, which is what I usually focus on. In this case it was green on the left meeting purple on the right. I decide to focus on that, for a bit. After a short time I decide to give the candle another go.

Open my eyes, look at it again. This time I stare at it a bit longer. I worry that I'm focusing on the whole candle, instead of the flame, so try to look only at the flame. Space starts shifting around slightly. I close my eyes, and this time see a clearer red dot, again, stable. The same sequence happens with this one - flickering, then small rings around it, then fading inside.

Around now I realize I'm dozing off, so I decide to try something else in a more active position (as I was reclining). I get up to open the window, then get into the japanese sitting position (sitting on shins) and set a timer for 25 mins (as my legs quickly start hurting in this position).

Now my attention turns to the most prominent experience - that of my feet waking up. It is quite unpleasant, as you all likely know. However, I noted the unpleasant reaction to it, as well as the feeling itself, and as I did this and understood them more, the unpleasant reaction faded, and I was left with just the (actually interesting) sensations of my feet waking up. I could pinpoint each area 'waking up' with a little bubble of touch-sensation, maybe with the blood flowing into that area?

By the time they woke up, the timer rang, so I stopped.

---

I decide to concentrate, so I focus on my breath. Within a few seconds I feel pleasant sensations all over my body, in a seemingly unified way, so I start focusing on that, instead. I smile, slightly, and think of smiling internally (more than I was externally).

As I focus on the pleasant sensations, the blackness behind my eyes opens up. At this point I don't know whether to focus on the body sensations, or the blackness. The pleasant sensations do seem to have been reduced to my lower back, which interestingly might actually be hurting slightly but I perceive it as pleasant anyway. I decide to just 'concentrate' but not on anything in particular.

The blackness wins out, as the body sensations slowly fade, and the blackness expands a slight bit. At this point I start seeing colors in the blackness. This is a recurring pattern: basically, around the edges of my perception, white bands of light form, which come inward to the center of my vision into a kind of ball, that then dissipate shortly after. But more and more bands keep coming in. At some point this stabilizes into just a more general whiteness, with some local flickering going on.

I am really unsure what to do, here, so I decide to start noting. I start noting everything. Before this, I noticed my feet starting to hurt, but I thought nothing of it and felt I could keep sitting. After noting, however, especially a few notes of feet hurting, the pain got more intense, to the point where I decided it's best to sit up. When doing so I also checked the timer, to see 3 minutes remaining. I shifted my position to lying down on the floor, noting during the whole shifting operation.

Just sat for an hour, here is the report:

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Ah felt good about the latest sit.

Set-up: whilst rollerblading home, I tried being mindful of everything. I noticed that I had no more real attachment to the physical actions I was making as being part of 'me'. Even when 'deciding' to do a particular action, and then doing it, I didn't feel like it was 'me' so much.

Mental thoughts had more hold over me, but even most of those I could notice and dispatch with as no-self. However, I did have a feeling of existing as a self, centered in my head, that sense of the '˜watcher'. Also I tried perceiving space, the sensations of space, both what I could see in front, what I could hear, what my mental map of what was behind me was, etc. I noticed that for both of these, they seemed constant and solid, always present, and that I would just notice glimpses of them but that they were always there. I had this feeling before, with solid sensations, and with finding the no-self of actions. I seem to have already realize those, but now it seems I have found where work needs to be done - the sense of the watcher, and the sense of space around me.

I get home, and set my timer for one hour. Although during the day I wasn't in the best of moods, craving sensual pleasures (most notably I just wanted to eat tasty things constantly, and when my stomach was full it was just annoying that I couldn't eat more instead of being taken as a sign to stop). However, upon sitting, I was in a chipper mood.

I just tried to stay on top of sensations of space and of the watcher-thing, trying also to keep on top of mental thoughts being no-self. Pretty soon in, I started feeling pleasant bodily sensations, which I welcomed. I didn't attempt to enhance or diminish them, but I did notice them and enjoy them (and tried to notice the noticing). Soon enough I also had an expansion of the blackness behind my eyes.

* Last one I remember was something to do with 'time'. How 'time' was just an illusion constructed by the mind or whatever. How there was no moment but this moment to do this perceiving in. This really intensified the state but I could still not get 'past' it.

* A few times I just really tried, and got some trembling and blinking and such, but since the state did not change dramatically afterwards I am assuming it was not a Fruition, or maybe the most it was is an earlier path Fruition.

* At one point I realized that even this push and pull of really noticing something, having an 'insight', intensifying the state, getting close, feeling of missing, going back, even this was disturbing. And I realized I had a lot of expectation of what should happen and that it was probably screwing with what was actually happening. I haven't fully gotten rid of this defilement, but at least I have started to observe it.

At this point my leg was starting to get numb so I mindfully lied down on the floor where I was. This led to a much calmer state of mind, so I kind of backed off the pushing and pulling a little, which itself caused a little intensifying'¦

Not sure how the last few minutes went down. still trying to notice things, but a bit more relaxed. One strange thing was a moment of my mind wandering, thinking about a friend of mine saying something about meditating, followed by a strange sensation, followed by a visual image kind of getting 'frozen' in my visual field for a tiny fraction of a second, then disappearing, then kind of not being sure what had recently happened. No bliss wave or change of state, though.

Around now I also start feeling some unpleasant thoughts. This state I just described I think of as one before Fruitions happen - even before my first Fruition, it seemed like something was going to happen. This naturally caused a lot of tension, but I just kept noticing that the tension arose by itself.

I think I had a few good insights while in this stage. At least, with each insight was associated an intensification of the state, as if something really were about to happen.

* First, every thought and action and intention and whatever seemed to be disturbing. Meaning, it disturbs what is already there. Even when I tried to pick up noticing stuff after I thought I slacked off, even the picking up of noticing is disturbing, and so is the noticing, and so on'¦

* As the state intensified I noticed the annoyance at feeling being close, and missing. As the state receded I started thinking 'darn I missed it', then 'hmm I should meditate later or something,' then I started noticing that and was mentally like 'no! that's just more disturbing thoughts!', that thought process stopped, and the state intensified again.

* I 'missed' again, and with each miss it would pull back a little, then I would get on top of it again, noticing the pulling back, also noticing the getting on top of it, but just trying to notice.

* Another one was when I tried noticing the watcher a bit more closely. I found that it did funny things. For example, I would start focusing on it visually, where the perception ends, and look at that. However, after a few seconds, I would realize that actually I had started looking at a mental conception of the watcher, which seemed static, as in fact the watcher had moved to being the thing watching that mental conception. What ensued was a somewhat confusing few moments of trying to chase the watcher, in a way, followed by another intensifying of the state, but alack another 'miss'.

ADDENDUM: just some notes about what else was going on... the pleasant body sensations faded at some point without me noticing. I also generally wasn't aware of my breath so much (I was when the pleasant sensations came but I became less aware of it as time went on), and left it uncontrolled, although I think once in a while it would peek through. About the visual field, it would expand, fill with a faint white light, and feel like it was getting really really close to my eyes upon each "intensification of the state", and recede as the state receded.

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Any comments or advice would be much appreciated! I also think I will head to the NYC meeting tomorrow as I am in NYC after all... will see some of you there!

Anyway, I set it for 30 minutes as I must go sleep early. I didn't focus on a particular mindfulness factor, but used whichever ones came up. Generally with 'nothing else happening', I used a physical body sensation coupled with feeling-tone as that seemed easy enough (itching-neutral, pressure-unpleasant, pressure-unpleasant, warmth-pleasant, pressure-pleasant), or hearing something (just '˜hearing' usually, also usually followed by '˜imaging-thought' since as soon as I brought it to my mind I'd think what the sound belonged to), or visuals (flick-flick-flick-flick with the flickering, or colors-colors when i saw colors, or i would name the colors - purple-green-red-purple - or i would describe it a bit - expansion, whitelight, dots coming in, dots coming in, flickering, flickering, waves). Occasionally, even though so much was focused on doing this, a thought would come in, and then it was easy enough to identify as 'previous-thought' 'conversation-thought' 'planning-thought' 'time-thought' (wondering how much time left/elapsed) 'wondering-thought' (when not sure what to note), 'self-annoyed thought' (when couldn't think of a note to say), etc. Once in a while I would notice the state (calm-equanimous-calm-pleased), especially after a thought triggered something (amused-pleased) or as I thought about this seeming to work well (pleased).

I noticed I was able to say things pretty quickly, like 1-2 times a second, except on inhales when I would have to pause. Then I would just be mindful, say a few of the things on exhales (or just past-thought if was thinking about them).

Now to describe the sit in terms of what was going on, but not in terms of notes since that would be annoying. I sat with eyes closed but the light on. First I noticed pressure and itching and such.

About the start of the sit pressure started to build up in my temples, top of head, forehead, etc. at beginning it was noted as unpleasant, later it was noted mostly as neutral even though it might have grown in intensity. some visual flickering was there, but faint.

A little bit in, the visual field seemed to expand (expansion-expansion). somewhere here I noted calm-calm as I was feeling calm about it all. some faint colors showed up, which wouldn't stick around long. faint i think because my light was on. as I kept going the visual field expanded little by little.. at some point there was a kind of a shift, and I got into what I describe as the Pre-Fruition State. Here i noted tons of thoughts, actually, like (anticipation-thought, fruition-thought, practice-thought (about where I am), equanimity-thought (thinking I'm there), expectation-thought, annoyance-thought, disappointment-thought). It was great to keep track of a lot of it by noting verbally, and I didn't get into a really intense, annoyed, and worked-up state, but was instead able to go through it all with more.. equanimity. i think it also is really fixing the intent problem i have, of intending to have a fruition and trying to force one through.

I do think I am in Equanimity, whether a Review or a new cycle I know not. It seems my sits either start there, or start at a stage close before.. or progress really quickly in an unnoticeable fashion. Or I'm in a really tame Dark Night, but I doubt it I think.. anyway it seems like this would be a good way to get a Fruition for this cycle/Review, so I will keep at it. meanwhile in daily life I will continue to try to be mindful of everything, to keep an eye on the watcher and on the sensations of space (since I still seem to perceive space as something existing), and I will not start muttering notes to myself at work as that would probably get me looked at strangely.

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Kenneth Folk apparently has weekly classes in NYC every Tuesday (not for rest of December but starting in January), so I went there, listened to him talk about Gears and such, introduced myself a bit, and got some advice, namely, to resume noting and to try noting out loud (out loud! like saying them!).

I realized how undisciplined I had been when at the meeting I didn't even know the 4 foundations of mindfulness. From what I remember they are: 5 sensations, feeling-tone, emotion-thought (anxious, worried, calm), and rational-thought (planning-thought etc).

At first I was a bit unsure about saying notes verbally. 'Thinking them out loud mentally slows me down enough,' i thought, 'but saying them? crazy'¦'

What is the point of a teacher if you don't follow his instructions, though? So say them out loud I did. I noticed that

1) my mind was almost entirely occupied with the process, which is good!
2) i wasn't even sure what to say much of the time (or at least at the beginning before I got into the swing of it), which shows how not to its full potential my noting earlier must have been'¦

powerful dream. set-up is went to take a test at night in some place. somehow ended up getting naked and taking the test naked. however a teacher caught me, and I ended up getting thrown to the snowy outside.

then at some point there i was, outside in the snow, cold, naked. i started noting somehow, noting verbally out loud. quiclky got to Equanimity state. then all my attention was focused in that state. howevre since I was verbally noting I suddenly realized I was still feeling sensations even when my attention wasn't there'¦ and that caused a huge fruition which had me tremble for a few seconds, then a bliss wave. i fell asleep in the dream right after, but woke up fully clothed (and not dead), and'¦ '˜different' in a way. i couldn't tell how. generally like i was a bit more separated from everything else.

rest of dream was usual random stuff, with going to the school cafeteria, the portions being tiny and sucking, etc. i woke up naturally a few minutes before my alarm, which tends to happen often enough (weirdly).

upon actually waking I didn't notice much changes, so unsure if I finished a cycle in my sleep.

"About the start of the sit pressure started to build up in my temples, top of head, forehead, etc. at beginning it was noted as unpleasant, later it was noted mostly as neutral even though it might have grown in intensity. some visual flickering was there, but faint.

I do think I am in Equanimity, whether a Review or a new cycle I know not. It seems my sits either start there, or start at a stage close before.. or progress really quickly in an unnoticeable fashion. Or I'm in a really tame Dark Night, but I doubt it I think.. anyway it seems like this would be a good way to get a Fruition for this cycle/Review, so I will keep at it. meanwhile in daily life I will continue to try to be mindful of everything, to keep an eye on the watcher and on the sensations of space (since I still seem to perceive space as something existing), and I will not start muttering notes to myself at work as that would probably get me looked at strangely.

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Hi Boeman,

Try and refrain from specualting on what it is and isn't for now. This makes it easier for other yogis to see patterns and things that they can relate to and then offer advice and support.

metta

Nick

"Hi Boeman,

Try and refrain from specualting on what it is and isn't for now. This makes it easier for other yogis to see patterns and things that they can relate to and then offer advice and support.

metta

Nick "

Oops, will do! I at first thought of it as, don't speculate while describing stuff, but I can speculate at the end; however I will just stop speculating at the end, too. Thanks!

Short sit. Posts will probably get shorter if similar things keep happening, but until then I will rue this 2000 character limit.

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Did a short sit in bathroom, sitting on legs.

I did verbal notes but kind of whispered under my breath.

This one I started doing right after doing part of the tai chi form (the part i know), so when I sat I was concentrating on pleasant body sensations at first. i soon started noting, though. it was pretty similar to last nights, so wherever I am I seem to be consistent.

again, lights were on. focused on sensations of pressure in the head, some pain/pressure on the legs, pulse sometimes.. about 5-10 minutes in i started getting anxious again, and noted things such as anxiety, Fruition-wanting, anticipation, annoyance, disappointment, etc, interspersed with 'past-thought' 'conversation-thought' 'Fruition-wanting-thought' 'practice-thought' as my mind was thinking about things in between the notes. noting is helping, though.. I think I'm getting a handle on the part of my self that really wants something to happen. seems important to objectify it, much like all the other parts!

i noted pain-neutral and pressure-neutral throughout, even though about 20-25 mins in my feet were getting really numb, but I decided at some point to get up from the position, which involves getting up on your knees. i did this, with decision-thought noted before, then anticipation-thought and waiting-thought as I waited for the inevitable head rush. noted some unpleasantness there.

my default note seemed to be '˜looking' as i was looking at my visual field. it started off flickering more or less uniformly, but faintly, ~5 hz maybe? as i got '˜deeper', it expanded a bit, and it stopped flickering uniformly, but separate sections would flicker separately. also colors would come in again. at some point it would kind of dim and fade back in, and i could see colors a bit better when it dimmed.

as i ended the sit i decided to try something fun and i turned the lights off, still with eyes closed, leaving me in pretty good darkness. this was _really_ fun to watch. it was tons of quick white flickers all over, with rings of red-green-blue around my vision appearing and disappearing. it was kind of like what i'd imagine stars in my eyes to be if i were to get punched. after a few seconds of this it died down to a '˜normal' state (less flickering, less craeziness, etc).

then i turned the lights on, and now this one was REALLY fun. first i noticed just some redness. then the redness kept expanding and expanding. then i started to see what I think are the veins in the eyelids. however, it soon got into really crazy visuals. the veins really thinned out and became more like spiderwebs and rings around the vision. the background became a really detailed texture of '˜lava' almost, like yellow, black, and brown. after it formed, it started shifting crazily. it felt like the rings were dancing around, going from right to left really quickly, while the lava background distorted in all different directions at once.

soon enough this, too, died down. pretty fun to watch though! have no idea what causes it. this did happen to me previously (before stream entry i think), also when a '˜change' occurred, like when i moved my position. i haven'et been able to correlate it with a state, and in any case i will refrain from speculation.

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=====START=====

1 hour sit recently.

The set-up: when rollerblading home, was trying to note under my breath. was more or less successful, but got distracted by lots of thoughts. The general tone was one of discomfort, unpleasantness, aversion, hunger, thirst, etc.

I got home, set timer for 1 hour, and sat in my chair, lights off this time. As soon as I started (noting out loud), pressure in my head began to build up. It slowly went from okay to a bit painful, but I just noted pressure-neutral, pressure-neutral, pressure-unpleasant, pain-unpleasant.

First half of the sit was characterized by unpleasant stuff. Annoyance, anxiety, itching, pain, etc... annoyance was a big one. It was a similar kind of annoyance as pre-SE, one like a why is this verbal noting so annoying, it makes me out of breath, I'm thirsty now, I'm also hungry, etc, almost to the point where I wanted to make my body twitch but it didn't get that far. I tried just noting mentally or even just being aware, but as soon as I did, my mind would invariably go and imagine some random scenario having nothing to do with the present sit, so I came back to verbal noting. Visual field at this time was kind of.. murky. some colors, not too well perceived flickering but it's always there to some degree.

Then about halfway in it shifted. visual field expanded a bit. it was still faint, but not 'murky' so much anymore. i also noticed feelings of calm, ease, relaxation, etc; even the pressure that was still painful wasn't quite so painful anymore. At first, anyway... soon enough I got feelings of anticipation again, anxiety, desire to finish, etc. It never got to the point it did before of really intense to the point of pain, but it did vary in intensity.

At one point the pressure was so bad that I just tried not talking, and relaxing my mouth, letting it hang open, etc. Soon enough my mind was wandering, so I started noting again. However, this time I had a really clear understanding that my mouth talking was not "me". At this point I really started appreciating noting, as I realized that all those notes I was making of desire, intent, anticipation, annoyance, etc., were also not "me", although I realized that I still think of them as me. The state intensified a bit, here... then I got into a strange thing of trying to realize it is not me rationally, which wasn't working, and then I tried noting that sense of looking, etc... I kept going around that issue for a bit, and noting seems to be great. I feel close to something, but I can't quite break through.

Around here the timer rang. I turned it off and tried sitting a bit more. In the act of opening eyes, turning it off, and sitting down again, I seemed to have lost some momentum, as I put it, as the state wasn't so intense anymore, but I kept going, it picked up again... but I felt the sit was done by now, so I stopped.

For fun, I turned on the light and kept my eyes closed. Similar cool visuals as before, though not as intense. It actually was a more static image at first, flickering really quickly, like maybe 20 times/sec? then the flickering slowly died down and everything got less bright (as my pupils adjusted to the new light, I assume). As it was fading I got an image of seeing what looked like a bunch of pebbles in a pile.

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During the NYC meetup, I feel like I didn't talk about my post-SE experience in too much detail, so I've tried to fill in the gaps on my introductory thread. I was kind of talking about how I felt at that very moment, which was uncertain, but some interesting things / noticeable cycles did happen after SE - they just seem to have stopped, recently.

I start off very excited. excited-excited-pressure-neutral-excited, practice-thought (about thinking where I am), some thoughts past future imaging, etc. visual field is black with not much going on at all'¦ very faint flickering if anything.

shortly the visual field expanded a bit. I wasn't sure whether to stop noting and concentrate on it, but I just kept noting. now it started being not so happy'¦ I don't remember exactly how but soon the most common note was not '˜excited', but '˜annoyed'. Before getting really annoyed I had some like desire, aversion (which I now understand as two different ways of looking at the same thing), erotic-thought.. pressure-unpleasant, pain-unpleasant'¦ pressure in my head really growing to unpleasant/painful proportions.

anyway soon I was there being really annoyed. annoyed-annoyed-annoyed'¦ i tried stopping the verbal noting and looking at it more closely but still annoyed-annoyed.. then a bit of relief maybe? relief, calm'¦ then itching, itching, itching-unpleasant'¦ scratching-desire'¦ then i scratch myself, then annoyed annoyed annoyed'¦ relief-relief? anxiety, anticipation, annoyed, annoyed, annoyed'¦

i didn't really get past the annoyed. i thought i did at some points, but it quickly went back. at some point I decide to shift position to lying down on the bed, after noting the desire and all - that was accompanied by some annoyance at having moved. then i decide i should probably relax a bit, so i drop the noting and just try observing. my mind got distracted, but within 10 mins or so the 90-min timer rang and that was that.

mleh I guess it has its ups and downs!

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===== START =====

meditated like 1.5 hours total or something? in bathroom and on chair, while at work (don't tell anyone).

started out annoyed/anxious, but soon got to a calmer point. when i went to sit the last sit at my desk, for 30 mins or so? i got into a really calm, equanimous state. basically I was smiling, finding everything OK. I was having some insights on the nature of no-self'¦ basically how all the thoughts and intents and desires are just FINE as they are, and they happen anyway, but they're just not me'¦ i tried looking at '˜the thing issuing the actions', and that got a bit interesting/werid'¦ i get caught in a loop almost though as the thing looking at the thing looking is also not me, etc'¦ generally i tried to relax. then i tried to investigate the feeling of equanimity, how that is also not me'¦

all this though and i don't just breakthrough. i tried even relaxing, not noting, letting the mind wander a bit, and when it wandered and came back there'd be a little surge, but wouldnt go thru'¦

hmm i do just want it to be over. ah but who wants it to be over? not me! but i don't know that yet..

---- a bit later ----

duhh'¦ i've been trying to get a Fruition. that's kind of entirely the wrong approach! really, I have to understand something I currently don't'¦ and following from that will be a Fruition, more as a moment of recognition. but the point is not to get a Fruition at all'¦ it's to understand what is happening fully. so i have to just sit there, being equanimous, and investigating everything that arises, including the desire to do all these '˜tricks' to try to get my brain to Fruition'¦ and once I have investigated the proper objects fully, that's when the thing will happen

---- a bit later

---

hm sat in bathroom for a few mins again'¦

basically was in calm state again ,noting mentally. lots of waiting, waiting, calmness, anxiety, hearing-unpleasant (from outside sounds), calmness, waiting, waiting. had a funny train of thought of thinking about the Buddha and karma and how him being born and being realized has led directly to me being here attempting to become Enlightened.

It kept speeding up and slowing down in that annoying way. at one point, I just started getting really sick of it'¦ the whole thing was just annoying and unpleasant. i started seeing much flickering, which also was just even more annoying cause it brought up thoughts of '˜is this it?' etc. my body started to shake and tremble, that too was annoying, my eyelids started flickering, bah so annoying'¦ so i ended up shaking/trembling for '¦ 15 seconds maybe? at which point it stopped. i maybe felt a bliss wave but was unsure, nothing very noticeable if anything, maybe just standard samatha jhana pleasure. i seemed to end up in a state very similar to before the flickering, if not the same one'¦ i did have a feeling of being done for the moment, so i got up.

i don't feel tooo much different at the moment'¦ will have to sit again tonight and see what happens.

---- later ....

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well on the way rollerblading home'¦ about 5 mins away, I got REALLY excited! I was thinking about Enlightenment and like how awesome it'll be living once I am Enlightened, and just got huge burst of energy (started blading faster).

I get home and while kind of noting, get a drink, go to bathroom, and set up timer. I'm still pumped, so I'm like hmmm I dnno 90 mins? 2 hours? ah 90 mins will do! Was expecting an easy sit.

Sounds like you are hanging out in 3 characteristics territory. Good descriptions!

two intersting things:

at start of yesterday, i felt a bit different maybe. it almost felt easier to disembed myself from my thoughts, my intentions, etc... woke up in a very peaceful state really.

after yesterday's annoying session, i actually wasn't really annoyed. i was maybe a tiny bit snappy when talking to a friend, but even so it didn't really affect me. later, before going to sleep, i decided to just lie down and "let it go", let whatever will be, will be. i didn't end up getting into samatha jhanas, but was just... very relaxed, very calm. i wasn't letting my mind wander so much - i was kind of loosely being aware of everything. i started by trying to identify a solid sensation, one that didn't change. my body lying on the bed was obviously made up of tons of stuff. i focused in on my arm, my hand, then just my finger... and even then i couldn't feel any sensation as lasting for any amount of time. then i noticed how it was annoying to try to do so. then i noticed some connection between this and between keeping the self as a solid sensation... like whenever a thought came up i thought it slightly annoying to hook it back into a self.

at one point i felt _really_ disconnected from the feeling of my hands.

it was nice and relaxing. stayed in that state for 40 mins or so, then went off to bed in a very happy state.

today it seemed that maybe noting stuff so intensely is not right at the moment, as it is too intense... so maybe i will just relax for a few days, get into some blissful states, etc. but still to maintain a gentle awareness on everything. then i wonder if that's not just me buying into this calm state, and maybe i should note it... so i'm not sure.

Now these are good non speculative descriptions. They really help see where you are, boeman. Keep it up!



Nick

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(12/17): Very interesting.

First, on way home was really excite.d i'm like MAN im gonna get REALLY HIGH and it'll be GREAT! (i thought i got rid of that desire but it still flares up occasionally)

Then into more annoying feelings. i could feel the desire to do that. it was quite intense and'¦ i actually looked at it, and found it very interesting as an object. I so clearly identified SELF with it'¦ and it was clearly not me. very informative to watch that desire.

i get home. i decide to do some samatha jhanas, so i lie down. I get into really really blissful body sensations and think 'nah no point to get high, i can just do this!' As I focus on them, soon I notice they're mostly gone, but I'm smiling to myself inwardly and I feel much joy. Soon I notice the joy has gone and I'm in a calm state, but wondering if I'm still meditating or if I'm continuing. I focus on my visual field and it expands a little, and then it seems I'm drawn into doing vipassana as I start noting. Here it gets unpleasant again and I keep noting.. i observe the desire to get high re-arising. eventually that desire dies down and i get into a calmer state'¦

the rest of the night is interesting but i'll leave it out.

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