Kirby's practice journal

20101129 - AM - 30mins

Stupidly tired this morning. Got up at 5am to sit. Procrastinated about it for 15 mins, then set the timer for 1hr and sat. Incredibly unpleasant mind state. Mind just wandering almost constantly, with very sporadic and lazy noting. Judging, wanting, spacing out, spacing out, frustration, hearing, hearing, hearing, spacing out...

Many pieces of contradictory advice that I had read or heard floated through my mind: '˜Don't be a slave driver - be kind to yourself', '˜Noting 24/7 is good', '˜Make sure you're not just sitting there spacing out'. I felt very agitated and indecisive, feeling like I was too scattered to be doing anything productive, then thinking that even painful sits are valuable learning experiences, so persevering with the mental discomfort.

Then the advice '˜If you're feeling really tired - sleep' popped into my head and I immediately got up and went back to bed for another 30 mins sleep. I had been sitting for 33 mins.

20101129 - PM - 1hr

Resolved, relaxed body parts (quite concentrated), began noting. Immediately noting itching and tingling. Light tingling around the head like a halo. This didn't last long, then itching became the primary physical sensation. Quite tired and mind wandering a lot tonight. General unease and tension as I battled with the '˜wanting' to be more concentrated and calm, reminding myself just to let it be and note whatever was happening with indifference. Eventually settled into a clearer and calmer state about 30-40mins in.


cont...

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Strong tickling around the end of the nose at about 20 mins. Noted '˜tickling - unpleasant, tickling - unpleasant, wanting (to scratch), imagining thought (of scratching), tickling - unpleasant, remembering thought (discussion about tickling/itching being something to focus on), tickling - unpleasant, pulsing, hearing, wanting (to not be distracted from the tickling), wanting, tickling - unpleasant, tickling - neutral'. My concentration is terrible, so I didn't stick with the tickling for long at a time, but kept coming back after distractions. After about 5-10 mins it went away, then came back another 2 times, about 10 mins apart. Finally right near the end of the sit there was a very strong tickling sensation that turned into an itch upon becoming stronger. After a few seconds of being really strong (noting '˜tickling - unpleasant, itching - unpleasant, wanting (to itch), wanting, imagining thought, itching - unpleasant') the itching subsided into a faint tickling sensation. I noted the faint tickling, a couple more sensations and thoughts, then the tickling came back with a vengeance. Noted '˜tickling - unpleasant, tickling - unpleasant' then it got so strong that I could focus on nothing else for a couple of seconds, and felt consumed by the sensation, and the feeling of being deep inside my own warmly buzzing head very briefly.

Became more scattered and tense in the last couple of minutes, noting physical discomfort (hotness - unpelasant, hotness - unpleasant, itching, aching - unpleasant), then the bell went.

Great reports! This is how it is done!
The clarity and the level of detail of these reports is admirable.

Antero.

Thanks Antero!

I'm finding the detailed reporting to be an important part of my practice now. In the past I would just get up off the cushion and resume daily life without much thought about what had occurred, but reviewing the experience in detail helps me create a clearer impression of where I'm at and what the current vibe of my practice is.

20101130 - AM - 1hr

Very scattered sit again. Noticed mainly mental states. In the first few minutes I realised I was going to have trouble remaining clear and focused, so I tried to be cool with that and just note whatever was happening. Noting '˜remembering thought, itching - unpleasant, travelling thought, tiredness, tiredness, spacing out, spacing out, visual thought, travelling thought, spacing out, spacing out, frustration, wanting, judging, frustration, tightness - unpleasant, tightness - unpleasant, frustration, doubt'. I wasn't really able to be cool with whatever happened. There was an almost constant feeling of anxiety and tightness as I wanted to be more clear and aware of what was going on. Only once or twice did I note '˜humour' followed by '˜tingling' (body rush), then '˜wandering', '˜spacing out', '˜tiredness' and '˜frustration' resumed.

About 45mins in I tried to just drop the effort and see what happens. Experienced brief calm as I was not judging my performance, then noticed that labelling switched to auto pilot, and I was labelling things as they arose without trying to do so - it just felt like a natural reaction. After a few minutes of this I got lost in thought, completely failing to note any of it until I caught myself, then the effort, judging and frustration set in again.

Took the train to work today and noted the whole time that I was walking/training. Got into a real groove where I was noting everything with ease, just like being on the cushion. I even experienced tingling around the temples and forehead while standing on the train, which I usually only get while sitting. Felt really happy with the fact that I was able to get some extra med time into the day.

When it came time to sit tonight, I experienced strong aversion to sitting. I came up with a bunch of excuses: Loud music playing upstairs, I got home late so I haven't got much time, I did all that noting while walking/training, then thought 'I'll just sit for 30'. While changing the time on my timer, I got the same feeling that I used to feel when lighting up a cigarette while trying to give up (failure, resignation). Closed my eyes...felt great aversion to sitting....got up.

Is it worth pushing myself to sit when The Brain doesn't want to play ball? I'm sure that if I forced myself through the aversion I would be ok, but 'I' don't want to right now =/

I relate to your aversion to sitting from my experience,
and if you sit you sit, if you don't you don't,
but if you feel a strong aversion to sitting, you could perhaps sit with a back rest and then just note note note the whole negativity fiasco and it will disappear soon enough

Thanks Yadid, that's kind of what I ended up doing

I was just sitting here at the computer after my last post and I realised that someone is probably going to say 'just note it', then I realised that I hadn't been noting all of the aversion and stuff. So I started noting it, and within a couple of minutes I realised that the judging, guilt and self loathing that I was feeling for bailing on a sit had to equal more suffering than I would experience if I sat.

So I sat for 30, and it was actually pretty easy and pleasant.
Noted lots of itching on various parts of the body, and some strong tickling on the end of the nose near the end of the sit again. Regular tingling or pulsing around the temples and forehead.
Clarity and energy was fairly high for most of the sit. Noted lots of remembering thoughts and planning thoughts.

Early in the sit I felt a lighter than usual tingling somewhere (can't remember where), and thought 'this feels like the champagne bubble thing I've heard people talk about'. Focused on this sensation as I recall some mention of it being a possible lead up to A&P, then felt the strange sensation like being totally immersed in it or something like that...like a fluffy buzzing numbness...for about 1 second. I've felt this on a few occasions now - the first time being a few months ago when I felt it strongly, followed by a burst of yellow light in my entire field of vision. So I've since had a suspicion that this was an A&P event, and every time I feel a touch of it again I get excited and promptly snap myself out of it, like I did tonight.

20101201 - AM - 1hr

Very tired, very scattered. Resolved, relaxed body, began noting. Handled the tiredness ok for the first half of the sit. Noting '˜tiredness, spacing out' frequently, but being kind of ok with it and still being able to label accurately most of the time. Tried noting out loud with eyes open to wake up a bit. This resulted in shortness of breath and constant yawning, which was uncomfortable so I returned to silent noting with eyes open. About half way through the posture pain began to grow (burning - unpleasant, aching - unpleasant), and I started to notice agitation and frustration at the whole bundle of suffering that was going on - the physical pain, but mainly the mental anguish at being too tired to even label clearly or notice what was going on moment to moment. Noted '˜frustration, anxiety, tightness - neutral, tightness - neutral, warmth, neutral, frustration, anger'. Contemplating whether I'm actually achieving anything by sitting here being anxious and frustrated if I can't even clearly note anxiety and frustration. I was thinking the words (some of the time), but was I really touching the feeling/thought with my awareness? Pondering whether I should cut back to 30 min sits and try to get more sleep, then judging myself for thinking this. If I played less WoW I would have more sleep, and might be more able to concentrate during meditation, but WoW is fun! Aaargh!

20101202 - AM - 30mins

Dropped some med time to try and catch up on sleep. Felt much more relaxed (not stressing, judging and doubting so much) but not really full of energy or on the ball still. Occasional wandering. Doubt about technique creeping in, and I tried using the abdomen as a primary object for a change (theory is that I have '˜successful', concentrated sits when I'm excited about a new technique), but this didn't improve anything. Still taking a lazy view to the practice at the moment. Feeling like recent sits have been really unpleasant and this is due to lack of energy/sleep, so deciding to ease up a bit before I fry my brain. Promptly doubting whether this is the right thing to do, but getting sick of judging and worrying so I'm just going to relax a bit and let the motivation rise again when it comes around next.

20101203 - AM - 1hr

Regained some motivation and enthusiasm for practice after beginning to read Mahasi Sayadaw's '˜The Progress of Insight' again. Planned to sit for 30 mins this morning, but woke up half an hour early so I sat for an hour.

Resolved, relaxed the body, began noting. Maintained a relaxed attitude for pretty much the whole sit. Almost no doubt or frustration. Not actively seeking phenomena to note or trying to note rapidly, but just sitting back and letting myself become aware of phenomena, then noting it. Almost no physical or mental pain for the whole hour. When I felt myself becoming embedded in a thought or feeling, I either said '˜Who am I?' which seemed to help objectify the situation, or recalled Mahasi Sayadaw's comments about watching phenomena come into being and gradually (or rapidly) fade out again, which also gave a sense of objectivity and detachment, and something interesting to notice.

About 45 mins through, I found that I couldn't clearly notice specific thoughts or sensations, but I was aware of a big blank space in the centre of my awareness that I was totally relaxed about. I just sat with this for a while (10-20secs), not really labelling it - occasionally throwing out a '˜spaciousness', '˜spacing out' or '˜relaxed', then recalled the description of awareness becoming like a donut (expanded to include more but unable to easily focus specifically on objects) at certain stages and realised that this pretty accurately described the current situation. Sat with this and just noted whatever arose. Faint impressions of thoughts and stronger impressions of physical sensations were noticed. After a few minutes I felt a bit muddled and confused, and the noting rate picked up again and continued consistently to the end of the sit.

20101204 - AM - 20mins

Had good intentions this morning. Read some '˜The Progress of Insight' before sitting, then got into it. Really unfocused from the start. Began noting rising/falling abdomen and some other thoughts/sensations that arose but was wandering a lot. Felt really lazy about actually paying attention to what was happening and couldn't muster the motivation or energy to get more into it. Started feeling the desire to stop the sit. Tried to just be with these thoughts and sensations objectively as much as possible, as they continuously arose for the next 15 minutes (wanting, frustration, panic, tightness - neutral, tightness - neutral, anger, frustration, judging, self loathing, heaviness - neutral, sadness, anger). After 20 mins I just bailed. Feeling ****** about my commitment to practice at the moment. Sitting and noting itself feels hollow and pointless.


cont...

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Really confused about the correct course of action to take, but I think I know deep down that '˜just keep practicing' is the right answer - even if I have an allergic reaction to sitting almost every time I do it. The polar opposite in my mind is '˜Be forgiving and compassionate with yourself (when I don't feel like practicing, etc)', so whenever I start leaning one way, thought of the other pops up to create havoc. Eg. If I bail sit for only 30mins instead of an hour after reasoning '˜I've got to be kind to myself and not be such a slave driver', I immediately think '˜But what if I'm moments away from some kind of break through? I should just be sitting, sitting, sitting, no matter how unpleasant and mentally torturous it is!'. Then if I think '˜I'm having such a ****** time, but I must just keep my nose to the grind stone and continue sitting as much as possible!', the thought that '˜Maybe I'm pushing myself too hard and I'm actually going to turn myself off of sitting my forcing myself through extended unpleasant sits all the time' arises. I feel better about things when I go with the more forgiving approach and just do 30 mins sits most of the time, sitting for 1hr when I'm really motivated. Still feel ****** when I bail on a sit though.


Edit: Let's say ***** = 'shirty'

20101204 - PM - 30m (20LK/10W)

Managed to sit for 20 mins. Decided that I should start doing some loving kindness meditation again as I've been feeling particularly miserable and down on myself for not feeling like practicing. Resolved (I resolve to continue practicing consistently, so that I may be free from suffering), relaxed the body, did a bit of concentration on the breath to see how that went (2 x 10) - it actually felt pretty relaxing, then into the loving kindness meditation. Repeated '˜May I be filled with loving kindness. May I be free. May I be peaceful and at ease. May I be happy.' while trying to visualise myself smiling and free, and feeling loving kindness for strangers. After the bell went, I decided to try some walking meditation, so I walked for 10 mins.

I think I'm trying snippets of the exercises that I've done in the past to see if I can induce some motivation. After this 30mins I do feel like it's not such a chore to sit, and it can be interesting. Will be up at 6am for a 30min sit in the morning (longer if it feels right).

20101205 - AM - 30m (10LK/20V)

Started with some loving kindness meditation. Quite scattered, so it was difficult to stick with a feeling/thought and I kept wandering. Went through the range of ppl (myself, respected teacher, dear friend, stranger, person with whom I've had trouble, all sentient beings), and felt more loving kindness generated during the '˜others' than myself. Still pretty dull.
Shifted to noting after about 10 mins. Initially just sat with the quietness and didn't put forth any effort. Found that I would gently and automatically note what was happening with clarity. After a couple of minutes things became noisier as I forcefully labelled memories, thoughts, sensations that arose then started judging and wanting it to be as clear and simple as the first few minutes. Found myself wandering and lacking effort/energy to note consistently. Noticed judging, frustration, tightness, hotness, tension, sadness. The frustration built up inside like a ball of energy that compelled me to just give up and stop sitting, so I made the effort to see things objectively. I asked '˜who am I?' which enabled me to take on the position of some-one/thing watching from the centre of the tornado. In the last few minutes there was some minor itching, one or two persistent itches, but I couldn't keep attention on them as it kept wandering off and getting caught up in emotions and thoughts.

20101205 - PM - 30m (10LK/20V)

Had a dream this afternoon that I was somehow involved in a scene from the movie Saw or something, where there were 2 guys trying to get someone out of a freezer and exit a room, but both doors were trapped. They thought they had successfully avoided the traps, then razor wire criss-crossed the whole room and diced them to pieces. I was the camera man and was directed (by the Saw villain guy) into a small enclosed tank thing. I knew that I was going to be subjected to extreme horror in this tank, and even though I was just the camera man, the fact that I was completely enclosed with no reference point for reality/the outside world was going to cause me to feel intense fear. There followed a chaotic, horrific few moments that left me going insane (in the dream).
I can't help but think that this was a manifestation of some kind of fear or aversion that I'm harbouring.

Sat for 30 mins tonight, and resolved to accept and be with whatever mind states and thoughts that arose, so that I may overcome suffering. I've been intensely aware of aversion and wanting lately, but unable to just accept these feelings so I've been suffering a lot.
10 mins of loving kindness to get started. Generated a bit of LK, and felt lighter and happier as I went into noting. Mind was swirling and confused, but I stayed with it and just kept noting what was happening in a fairly relaxed way. It felt good to not be craving clarity or certain remembered experiences. It felt beneficial again.


cont...

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Noted mainly '˜feeling hot - unpleasant, feeling hot - unpleasant, travelling thought, planning thought, imagining thought, itching - unpleasant, analysing thought, judging thought, humour, tingling - pleasant'. There was one moment where I realised I was feeling very neutral to everything, and found myself investigating whether there was any attachment or aversion to be found. There didn't seem to be any for about 1 minute (I just continued noting whatever arose and was impartial to it all), but then started noting unpleasant physical sensations and wanting them to end.

20101206 - AM - 30m

Resolved to be with whatever mind states, thoughts and sensations that arose so that I may overcome suffering, relaxed the body, began noting. Mind was quite unclear and wandering to start with, but after about 10 mins things were more steady and relaxed. I've started appreciating the rising/falling abdomen as an anchor of late. Only about 10% of the sit is spent watching the abdomen or breath (short periods throughout the session), but it does bring me back to the present if I've wandered or give a sense of calm if attention has become scattered.

About 20 mins in I was noting a stinging pain that appeared in my side, then an itch apperead on my face, then a second later another on my leg, then a numbing sting in my foot. All of this popped up within a few seconds, and I noted '˜itching - unpleasant, stinging - unpleasant' with a general sense of awareness rather than focusing on one particular sensation. The itches went away one by one, then a few minutes later a strong, sharp itch appeared for only a fraction of a second. Noted '˜itching - unpleasant, remembering thought, remembering thought' as I briefly reflected on the momentary sensation.

Overall there was a greater feeling of calm and just being with sensations/thoughts than I've been experiencing lately. I think the realisation that fighting against unpleasant sensations and mind states has been causing me all sorts of grief and the resolution to '˜invite the honoured guest in with a smile' is helping.

I smell progress, Kirby. Keep on keepin' on!

Kenneth

Thanks Kenneth! Your encouragement helps a lot


20101206 - PM - 30m (10LK/20V)

Resolved to notice the phenomena that take centre stage and be with whatever mind states or emotions arise so that I may be free from suffering. Relaxed the body, then did 10 minutes of loving kindness meditation. Immediately upon mentally reciting '˜May I be filled with loving kindness', I felt a thrill throughout my body. As I recited the 4 lines a few more times, intense joy welled up. I watched this happening and thought '˜I'm going to become attached to this any second now and it will fade away'. Surprisingly I stayed pretty neutral to it for a couple more minutes before the joy and physical pleasantness died down.

Thoughts were pretty scattered when I began noting, but there was a slight sense of pleasantness left over from the LK meditation. After about 5 minutes, I was watching my abdomen rise and fall, and I got a real sense of presentness - like it was perfectly clear that every moment of feeling that movement was gone as quickly as it began, and a new moment took its place. This felt very real and immediate for about 30 seconds, then I started to lose the feeling but found that I could concentrate and bring it back at will. Spent the next few minutes noting physical sensation and thoughts and seeing this present moment leaving a trail of dead moments that will never exist again. Lost the ability to see this after a while and just continued noting as normal.


cont...

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A strong tickle arose near the end of my nose, and a bubbling around the tip. I noted this as '˜tickling - unpleasant, tickling - unpleasant, tickling - neutral' as it started out being unpleasant then just became neutral. As I was watching the tickling, a few points of itching began to appear, but I was aware of the tickle-itch on the end of the nose in the background while focus was on other areas. A few minutes from the end of the sit I started noting '˜hotness - unpleasant, moisture - unpleasant' as I really began to feel hot and sweaty. My left eye started to sting and I noted '˜stinging - unpleasant, stinging - unpleasant, fear, worry, imagining thought, wanting'. I thought there might be something wrong with it so I opened my eyes to make sure I could still see properly, then rubbed my eye - thinking there may be sweat in it. Upon replacing my hand, there was an intense discomfort as I felt heat and clamminess, but upon noting a couple of times the unpleasantness was replaced with neutrality.

20101207 - AM - 30m

Really tired this morning. Spent 5 minutes sitting on the cushion with the mind wandering before I started the clock. Resolved to notice whatever phenomena took centre stage to the best of my ability, and just be with any mind states or emotions that arose, and this is exactly what I did. Mind very scattered and noting kind of sporadic and not very clear, and I frequently pulled myself back to '˜what am I experiencing right now' when the mind wandered. There was only one brief period of wishing the sit was over, as I was aware of general physical unsatisfactoriness and discomfort, which resulted in a wish for the discomfort to be over. I noted this as '˜aching - unpleasant, discomfort, aversion, wanting, wanting, aching - unpleasant, aching - unpleasant'. Then intentionally allowed the feeling of aversion and wanting to just be, which didn't fix the physical discomfort but did alleviate the mental tension slightly as I wasn't fighting it as much.

Better and better. Momentum is building...

20101207 - PM - 20m

Quick 20min sit before bed. Not the most concentrated session, but very OK with whatever arose. Ability to identify tension, aversion or discomfort is strong lately, and when I recognise these things I make the effort to see them objectively and let them be. Briefly pondered that this recent shift to learning to be with things rather than striving for concentration or clarity has come at a really good time, as I'm heading to a 9 day retreat on Friday - my first retreat. A few weeks ago I was scared about how I'd handle this much practice, but now I feel like I have the tools to deal with it.

About 15 mins in I recognised that I was very laid back and probably being a bit lazy with the noting, so I decided to see if I was able to squeeze out some more effort. I was able to generate a lot more of that feeling of strength and solidity in clearly noticing thoughts and sensations, which gave me confidence that I'm getting back on top of things.