Kirby's practice journal

Now I've read Kenneth's instructions and some of the discussions on this site, and I'm going with a much more 'choiceless awareness' type approach to noting, only focusing on the abdomen or in/out breath to calm the mind at the start of a sit, or if they take centre stage naturally. This feels very right and I have no more doubt.

I've been keeping a practice journal on paper for the last few months, but I absolutely love the idea of publishing these notes here for others to see and potentially give feedback on. The idea that more experienced meditators can view an intimate account of my practice experience and correct/direct any aspects of it just makes sense.

Anyway, here's my first digital practice journal entry!

Discovered Kenneth Folk and this web site a couple of weeks ago after hearing his BG interview, and it feels so right.
Kenneth's instructions make so much sense, and have boosted my confidence and my practice already. This is what I was searching for.
From the discussions I've read on the site, this is a community of really intelligent, dedicated, friendly and helpful people. I get a sense that it's safe to share my thoughts and experiences here, as no one is judging me.

Background: I discovered Buddhism about 12 years ago (age 19) and practiced concentrating on the breath for about a year - on and off. Then I completely stopped any form of contemplative practice until about 9 months ago, when for some reason I got into it again.

I practiced anapanasati for the first 6 months, then discovered Daniel Ingram's book and got really motivated and into Mahasi noting. I've started sitting for 90-120 mins a day. Usually 1hr in the morning, 1hr at night. For the last few months I've been noting, but never felt sure about the technique. There were always doubts.

Recently I began speaking with Vince Horn and he indicated that he uses more of a choiceless awareness noting technique, rather than putting so much importance on a primary object, so I've been experimenting with this. (edit: I used the term choiceless awareness as I thought it fit at the time, but now understand that my usage doesn't match popular usage of the term. The technique I'm referring to is noting without a primary object)

20101113 - AM - 60V

Incredibly relaxed and comfortable sit this morning. Still feeling the afterglow a bit.
Relaxed the body, then spent a couple of minutes attempting to settle the mind with concentration. Felt scattered still.
Felt very '˜embedded' at the beginning, so labelled out loud with eyes open for a bit. A bit of pausing and judging myself and my performance. Returned to internal labelling and closed eyes.
Awareness started to settle comfortably on the sensations and thoughts arising moment to moment.
Felt the usual tingling on the forehead and temples, then felt a pressure - almost a pushing in one direction (up/back?) in a round area about 5cm in diameter at the bridge of my nose and between my eye brows. As usual when I feel unnatural sensations, I started clinging to it and wanting it to become some significant event. Noted '˜wanting, wanting' '˜pressure' '˜pushing' '˜tingling' '˜wanting' '˜judging'. The pressure went away after a minute or two, but returned again near the end of the sit. This time I felt like it was pushing upwards, so I allowed it to, straightening my posture slightly.
Nearly no back pain this sit. I wonder what the dealio is? The leg aching and burning in the perineum area from my heel pressing into it were barely noticed, even though they were about 75% on the '˜full-on pain' scale when attention was placed on them. I like to imagine that the relaxed and concentrated mental state that I was in helped me '˜rise above' this pain, but it's probably something mundane like '˜it just wasn't that painful'

Feeling a lot of confidence in the choiceless awareness method, as I feel for the first time that I'm cultivating some form of concentration. Single pointed concentration practice feels very unpleasant and impossible, and my understanding of mahasi noting lead me to try and focus on the abdomen for the majority of the sit, not be able to (mind got bored with it), note other sensations and thoughts - at a very high level (eg. thinking, imagining, rising, falling, touching, thinking..), and generally get frustrated that I couldn't focus on the abdominal movements at will, which is kind of implied by the method. With my mahasi noting practice there was a constant doubt present as I might be noticing thoughts and sensations one second, then think '˜ooh, I'm supposed to focus on the primary object' so switch back to watching the abdomen, get really bored/antsy with the abdomen thinking '˜at what point do I let my attention move to arising thoughts and sensations?', then get frustrated that whatever thing I'm paying attention to might not be the '˜right' thing in that moment and I should be noting the other thing (primary object vs sensations and thoughts).
With choiceless awareness I can really feel that I'm not wandering, as I'm clearly labelling something every second, and there's a real sense of concentration - although not in the single pointed sense that I always just assumed was the only real form of concentration every since I discovered meditation/buddhism.

I have been wondering a bit whether I should incorporate some single pointed concentration techniques into my practice, as I feel that my ability to settle on a single object at will is terrible, but after this morning I feel like moment to moment concentration can still result in a settling on '˜the object' - that object being '˜all of the phenomena that make up my experience of reality'.
I'll mention this to Vince and see what his advice is.

Good to hear Kirby.

Best of luck with it!

Welcome to the forum, Kirby!

Kenneth

20101113 - PM - 60V (Vipassana)

Spent a few minutes relaxing each part of the body. Mind jumping all over the place so this didn't feel very successful, and my posture felt uncomfortable in the first few minutes but after about 10 mins it felt pleasant.

Got into the noting straight after relaxation and in no time I was flying along, rapidly noting sensations, 1 to 2 times per second. Lots of '˜travelling thoughts' tonight - outside a church in Loxton which I keep seeing for some reason, windy road through forest, ...multiple other locations that I can't recall. I noticed these thoughts really quickly tonight, feeling a sense of success upon catching the thought come into existence. Feelings of success and feelings of humour are generally followed by a wave of tingling down the upper body.

Waves of tingling were restricted to right side of the body tonight which is unusual. Felt lots of tingling/vibrating and lots of pressure in the temples and third eye area. Noted these as '˜tingling, vibrating, pressure, pressure'. Duration of these sensations is increasing. In previous sits the sensations would disappear about 30 seconds after noticing them, but this time I was aware of them for a few minutes at a time.

At one point I felt really big. Like I was twice the height of my house. I got attached to the new sensation - as usual with this kind of thing, so noted '˜wanting, wanting, visual thought', and then heard a sound in the room which confirmed that my ears were in fact only 3 feet off the ground, bringing the sensation to an end.

cont..

I spent short periods of the day noting during normal activities. As I was walking around a shopping centre by myself I noted for about 10 minutes. I haven't been able to do this in the past for some reason.
I think the recently acquired ability to fluently and rapidly note while sitting has enabled me to note without too much effort during daily activities.
I found the noting while walking around very pleasant - feeling more equanimity than I usually would walking around a crowded shopping centre, and feeling success at the achievement. This gives me confidence in my ability to note throughout the day from now on, which previously had been difficult as I was strenuously trying to concentrate on things instead of just observing phenomena as they pass by the spotlight of attention.

20101114 - AM - 60V

Woke up early and felt quite tired. Remembered to start noting when I had the first thought after waking. Thoughts difficult to spot in this state, so noted breathing briefly, before mind wandered off of that. I find myself wandering a lot when I attempt to note first thing upon waking until I get to the meditation cushion, but I have noticed some minor improvement with the continuity of awareness over time.

Upon sitting, relaxed each part of the body then began noting. A bit dull to start with. Noting a lot of '˜travelling' thoughts again. Spent a good 25% of the sit with my mind at the church in my home town. There seem to be some triggers for this. Upon spacing out briefly then coming back to the present, it usually takes my mind to this location.
Mental jukebox was interesting me this morning. It's amazing how quickly a song containing the word that I just said mentally pops into my head after the note (eg. '˜It's a fine line between pleasure and pain', '˜under pressure').

Some minor tingling around the forehead and temples. Some pressure on separate occasions.
About 3/4 of the way through I felt like I had a steady concentration happening, so intended to try focusing only on the breath at my nostrils for a bit. I was able to do this for about 1min before noting other phenomena again, and it felt like a cool oasis in the middle of chaotic rapidly changing phenomena. Briefly pondered on the fact that I could not train my mind to settle like this when going straight into single pointed concentration, but upon cultivating this choiceless awareness concentration, I can stick single pointed concentration on the back of it.

cont..

Oh, I was going to mention my full routine. Upon sitting on the cushion I ask myself '˜Why am I meditating?'. This morning's answer was: Transformation and freedom from suffering.
I'm also experimenting with resolutions. This morning's resolution was: I resolve to sit for the next 60 minutes and notice all the phenomena that take centre stage, so that I may reach stream entry as soon as possible.
After the sit, I mentally say the following: I dedicate the experience of this meditation to my awakening and the awakening of all sentient beings. I'm not entirely sure where I picked this up from, but I feel that it helps me see that what I just did for the last hour was truly beneficial, instead of just remembering the feelings/thoughts of the last few minutes - which are often '˜aching', '˜spacing out' and generally not all that awesome.

Welcome Kirby. Your background history sounds similar to mine. You've found a great place here, so best of luck to you and your practice. I'm not as familiar with choiceless awareness noting per se. It sounds like it is more of a free floating technique rather than using a single object as the "home base"? If so, sounds similar to Kenneth's bystander noting.

Looking forward to see how you progress.

Jarrod

...

I experienced what felt like time slowing down for about 30 seconds. The mentally audible noting sounded like playing a record at half speed, and I focused on my breathing which actually felt really slow. Once again, upon paying attention to this and finding it quite an exciting phenomena and wanting more of it, it went away. I then remembered that I experienced this same feeling during one of my sits yesterday - shortly before the feeling of being twice and tall as my house. I knew there was a second significant event from that sit but it completely vanished from my memory until I experienced it again today.

Attempts to note daily activities ended in failure today. Clinging to the memory of how easy it was yesterday, and just getting frustrated at the chaos that presented itself every time I thought to note my experience.

20101114 - PM - 1hr

Went into tonight's sit with a lot of excitement about the practice - like nothing can go wrong right now and every sit will be pleasant and productive. Took a while to settle down due to excitement. At times I was smiling uncontrollably. (I fully expect to crash soon. I think I'm just on a '˜successful practice high' again.)

Relaxed each part of the body for a couple of minutes, then attempted to do loving kindness meditation. Mind kept jumping around and not finding anything of interest in the thoughts of loving kindness for myself (even after using the witness - '˜May *it* (instead of I) be filled with loving kindness' - which usually works as it brings a more compassionate feel to the wish for my own happiness instead of feeling guilty and selfish, and objectifies '˜me'). While trying to cultivate kind feelings for myself, I found that I was noting phenomena instead of focusing on the feelings of loving kindness, and was obviously finding much more of interest in noting, so I bailed on the metta and dove into noting.

Took about 20 mins to get a real flow going, noting mostly: aching - unpleasant, visual thought, auditory though, imagining, pain - unpleasant, tingling - neutral, pressure - neutral. Not so much '˜travelling' tonight.

A few periods of spacing out and not finding much in the way of thoughts to note. Noted physical sensations instead - when they could be found. Having been told that this spaciousness or lack of notable thought or sensation could be a stage in the progress of insight (I'm not that familiar with the maps - dissolution? Heading toward dukkha nanas or something?), I tried to surrender to the situation and see what happens but found myself analysing it, and soon I was finding plenty to note again.

cont...

"
"Went into tonight's sit with a lot of excitement about the practice.... At times I was smiling uncontrollably."

"A few periods of spacing out and not finding much in the way of thoughts to note."

"Noted physical sensations instead - when they could be found. "
"

Hi Kirby,

You said you are practicing "choiceless awareness noting". I noticed some things you appear to be doing only from what you've written which are perhaps not choiceless.

Are you noting the excitement and the smiling? "Excitement", "excitement" "anticipation", "smiling", "smiling", "vibrations-pleasant", "excitement"

Are you noting that mind state of "spacing out"? It's just another thing to note. "wandering", "spacing out", "space", "floating", "space" , "spacing out -thought", vibrations-pleasant" , "spacing out"

Why are you trying to "find" thoughts? Best to just note whatever is taking centre stage. That is choiceless noting. And it seems "spacing out" was taking centre stage but you were looking "for" something else. Then you could also note the "looking for" mind state and/or thoughts: "searching", "looking for", "seeking", "wanting", "spacing out"...

You said "physical sensations could be found"...? Are you still looking for something? ......note what is presenting itself to the reality now of "kirby"...."looking for (sensations)", "spacing out", "excited", "smiling"....whatever takes centre stage, otherwise you may well be identifying with the the phenomena of the "looking for" mind state.

Mantra: It's looking at NOT looking for.

Hi Nikolai

I am noting everything, even 'spacing out', 'wandering' when I stop seeing phenomena to note, but you're right - I am trying to notice something every second or so, so I am 'looking' when I don't find it.

I guess the fine line here is: has the noting stopped/slowed down (mental energy/motivation running out), or have phenomena stopped presenting themselves as clearly? I don't want to think 'phenomena aren't presenting themselves so I'll just sit here' if I'm just getting tired/lazy, so I naturally re-assess the situation and start 'looking' to see if any phenomena are obvious at the time.
Would there be benefit in just sitting with this spaceyness and only picking up on things again if the mind starts having wandering thoughts, etc?

Also, I use the term 'choiceless awareness' to describe noting without focusing on a primary object like the abdomen, but I'm not familiar with other people's definition of choiceless awareness so I'm probably not matching that

I'm just trying to note whatever takes centre stage from moment to moment without coming back to the breath or abdomen.


Thanks for your feedback! Much appreciated


Edit (Addition): To clarify, I am noting everything that I perceive, so when I was excited and smiling, I was noting 'excitement', 'tingling', 'smiling', 'humour', 'excitement', 'pride', 'judging', 'feeling guilty', 'humour', 'excitement'..

20101115 - AM - 1hr

Very tired and scattered this morning. Sat down and tried to relax each part of my body but the mind wandered so I don't think I achieved much. Decided to just dive into the noting.

Experienced many instances of the '˜spacing out' that I've been getting lately. Noted that this was occurring, when it felt possible to do so. Experimented with just relaxing and surrendering to this feeling. Sporadically noting while doing this, and found myself analysing (noted '˜analysing thought'), '˜wanting' something to happen, then just rolling along with the noting again.

A couple of massive full body rushes happened later in the sit. They occurred just after noting '˜humour' at something. Today the tingling is remaining on the elbows for a while after the full rush again. Interesting..

Near the end of the sit I really surrendered to the spaciousness, and then started feeling anxiety and tightness in the chest. Continued to note all of this. After a couple of minutes this the noting picked up a bit more momentum, a bit more relaxed and slow paced than '˜peak' rapid noting, and I noticed a sense of equanimity.

The bell went while in this state, and now I'm feeling very relaxed and calm, ready to go and face Monday with ease

Edit: Whoops, double post

"
Would there be benefit in just sitting with this spaceyness and only picking up on things again if the mind starts having wandering thoughts, etc?

I'm just trying to note whatever takes centre stage from moment to moment without coming back to the breath or abdomen.

Thanks for your feedback! Much appreciated


Edit (Addition): To clarify, I am noting everything that I perceive, so when I was excited and smiling, I was noting 'excitement', 'tingling', 'smiling', 'humour', 'excitement', 'pride', 'judging', 'feeling guilty', 'humour', 'excitement'..

"

I believe there would be benefit in just staying with "spacing out" until some other phenomenon takes its place centre stage. Just allow the mind to pick the next thing. That is truly choicless. "You" should not have to manipulate what is looked at if it is choiceless. If you note just "spacing out" for a long period and find that you are getting perhaps "ansy" due to only spacing out, well, that is what is taking its place..... now you can note "ansy", "ansy", "looking for" , "wanting (something better)".

You are on the right track!

Your welcome.

P.S. What people here and at DhO call 4th path, to get there, one must see in real time that all sensations, all phenomena are of the same status. Nothing more special than soemthing else. No sensation or thought or mind state or image or sound more important than other phenomena. So rather than look for something better than "spacing out" for example allow for that mind state (which can be quite stage specific at times) to be there as long as mother nature wants it to be there. There is nothing more special than that to disembed from.

Mudita!

Nick

"P.S. What people here and at DhO call 4th path, to get there, one must see in real time that all sensations, all phenomena are of the same status. Nothing more special than soemthing else. No sensation or thought or mind state or image or sound more important than other phenomena. So rather than look for something better than "spacing out" for example allow for that mind state (which can be quite stage specific at times) to be there as long as mother nature wants it to be there. There is nothing more special than that to disembed from.
"

Cool, that's really helpful. Thanks for the reminder to allow the natural course of events to flow

20101115 - PM - 1hr

Worked a 12hr day, sat within 10 mins of arriving home. Very tired, but excited about sitting. Sat and relaxed each body part briefly, then straight into noting.

Feeling really dull and noting effort trailing off frequently. Felt like the awareness of thoughts and sensations was there, but the energy to form a word that described them wasn't. Noted '˜sleepy, dullness, tired'. Opened eyes and noted out loud (whispering) for 10 minutes which got the energy flowing and increased the clarity and frequency of noting a bit. Closed eyes and finished the sit with a bit more momentum.

General feeling of uncertainty during this sit. Like the noting was happening but not like a rock hitting a wall as Mahasi Sayadaw says. Very vague and dull.

Unpleasant sensations dominated the sit, with '˜feeling hot - unpleasant', '˜itching - unpleasant' and '˜tickling - unpleasant' occurring often. Each of these sensations was more extreme than I've felt for a long time. Really intense tickling on the end of my nose that lasted for minutes at a time, and a feeling of the whole body over heating and sweating uncomfortably.

Tried to maintain an impartial awareness at all of this, which I'm not sure was successful. It's difficult to gauge whether I'm observing thoughts/sensations without being embedded in any way unless I intentionally conceptualise this position - then it's clear. It feels like when the effort is fully on identifying and labelling these phenomena, I'm probably quite disembedded, but I'm not sure.

20101116 - AM - 1hr

Quite alert this morning. Relaxed the body, noticing that there was a decent amount of concentration on each part. Got into the noting.

After about 15 minutes I started feeling really relaxed and OK with everything - calmly noting thoughts and sensations as they arose. Noted '˜analysing' as I found myself wondering '˜Is this equanimity?'. After calmly noting for about 10 minutes, I noted '˜wanting'. There was a tiny feeling of wanting something more hiding within the general OK-ness.

Kept noting calmly, growing only slightly less relaxed as the sit progressed. Nearing the end I started noting '˜sleepiness', '˜dullness' as the ability to mentally form labels became harder, then I tried just dropping the labelling and just '˜being'. This felt really relaxing and clear for a short time, then thoughts and sensations started becoming prominent again and I started the labelling again '˜anticipating' (bell going off), '˜feeling hungry', '˜aching - unpleasant'.

One thing I tried during this sit that I haven't done much before was noting things in the 3rd person, like '˜see how it sits', '˜see how it experiences wanting' and adding '˜just' to the labelling - '˜just excitement', '˜just burning - just unpleasantness'. I did this only for short periods - maybe 3-5 labels at a time, to maintain a disembedded feeling when it felt necessary. This felt like it worked well.

20101116 - PM - 1hr

Really shagged tonight and just got hit with a rather emotional issue an hour before sit. Relaxed each part of body and got into it.

Noting came easily for the first half hour but I was having trouble not getting caught up in stories. Grim visual thoughts arising frequently, and '˜anger', '˜sadness', '˜fear' occurring frequently. As the sit went on I became more and more tired and dull. The noting was still happening but it just felt almost automatic and flat, like there was supposed to be some feeling of objectivity but I was just '˜faking it', and actually being well embedded in a self.
Opened my eyes for the last few minutes and vigorously noted. This got a bit of energy going again, then the bell went. Realised upon rising that I was feeling quite disembedded and even, regardless of conclusions I was drawing during the meditation.

20101117 - AM - 1hr

General feeling of being unsettled during this sit.
For a short period everything seemed exciting and pleasant - breathing in, breathing out, travelling thoughts, visual thoughts - all gave a mild rush of excitement or just pleasantness.
Analysing a lot. Getting sleepy and lazy, then judging. Feeling like the initial excitement of nailing this new technique has worn off and it's nothing special anymore. Challenge now is to just stick with it and not require excitement and interest to practice.

I resolve to stick with this technique, regardless of the doubts and boredom that may occur. Those feelings/thoughts will be just more phenomena to note, and I will move on.

20101117 - PM - 20mins

Squeezed in a quick 20min sit between duties. Thought about doing Loving Kindness meditation with such a short time, as I like having a longer period to really get into the noting practice, but found myself compelled to do noting anyway.

Gained some momentum them bell went. Regular 1hr sits and noting during the day have made it much easier to just drop into noting mode whenever, so the 20mins still felt valuable

...

I'm wondering whether there is value in dropping the noting and just being with the spaciousness in these states, or if continuing to try and note - even if it feels like more effort is required to do so - is more beneficial. My main fear is that by dropping the noting I'm just being lazy and I'll end up sitting there for a length of time with phenomena arising and passing without clear awareness of them - just like normal day dreaming.