A path journal

Practice continues, anywhere from 45 minutes to 3 hours a day, usually somewhere around 1.5 hours total daily.
I started kasina practice in earnest a few days ago and on my final sit of Friday night I more or less had the strongest taste of jhana (3rd or 4th, not so sure) since I'd re-crossed A&P this summer. What happened was, after doing kasina for 10-15 minutes (all my dry eyes can stand at the moment), I closed my eyes to ride it out and began noting.

Soon after, I noticed that, aside from the normal purplish mind space, high above the horizon was a electric, purple ciricular-ish patch of light. I focused on that, it descended and soon filled my whole vision. Starting from that region and spilling down my arms and chest, I felt a cool melting sensation, as if running water were flowing deep below my skin - and in fact, my skin itself had melted as well as *part* of the usual 3rd eye pressure (or maybe the skin was cool and hot and feeling like it had melted '¦it's hard to pinpoint the right description - anyone know what I mean here?). This was accompanied by prickly sensations on the skin's surface. A sense of calm, spaciousness pervaded my mind that was visually mirrored in the purple mindspace which seemed like walls of cool energy surrounding my bodymind.

Nonetheless, the mind was excited by this new shift and I noted 'happy, hoping, expecting, desiring,' and so forth. I was tired and sort of being 'absorbed' by the sit even before this, however I may have had a 'was that it' moment and thus wondered if this was a 'bliss wave'. But then again, every few sits there's something that the mind grasps onto desiring it to be fruition'¦so I'm not holding my breath on this being 'it'. No huge changes or anything.

Anyway, the sit eventually ended and the calm feeling remained, with more clarity than the normal 'meditation hangover'. The next day (today) I didn't notice anything different.
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(cont'd) That night (last night), however, I had a lucid dream. All I remember was the sensation of my body falling towards a road or something and suddenly realizing I was dreaming. I started floating above it. Perhaps there was other content, but then I started to have REALLY strong vibrations in the body. This wasn't imagined, as I was straddling the boundary between waking and dreaming consciousness and remember being vaguely conscious I was in my bed. This must have been 3rd Jhana, Dark Night, specifically Re-Observation per the description in MCTB - something along the lines of harsh vibrations feeling like they were going to tear your body apart - fits perfectly. Also, I experienced this "ripping apart" meditation/dreaming sensation over the summer while at a monastery - that time it was more akin to being sucked into a wormhole or something, but overall it was quite similar.

Anyway, tonight I had a similar, but less intense and more protracted experience of stronger jhana. After kasina practice and with eyes closed, an electric purpilsh section encompassed more and more of the mindspace. I was subtly interpreting it as the same thing from the previous night and thinking my skin would soon deliciously melt and so forth, but that didn't happen. I did feel some coolness, but not the same. There was a lot more tension as well - DN type stuff that didnt seem present the night before - and the 3rd eye pressure actually increased probably to its most intense since directly after A&P. However, in the last 5 minutes or so, I had the calm, spacious, encompassing sensation of the previous night, though again not as strongly.

So my interpretation is that the initial electric purple space is strong 3rd jhana and when it encompasses the bodymind in calming spaciousness, is 4th jhana Equanimity. So maybe the other night I skipped through 3rd straight to 4th, whereas tonight it was a slower progression? Hm, who knows.

Greetings all, I've been really busy with classes and holiday travels, so I haven't had much time to post (although I've always been mostly a lurker ^_^). I've really enjoyed and benefited from much of the exchange going on here as of late in particular, especially the mahasi-chah discussions and the new synthesis of the enlightenment model! And, similar to what a few other infrequent posters have mentioned around here, there's 'not much new' to report '” been grinding along at around 1.5 hours a day (all I can do with school) for the past few months, seemingly running up the arc and nanas to (what seems to be) low/mid equanimity when lucky. Lots of craving for path, but then again I'm only 5 months in since A&P and only about a month of serious practice before that time, so I guess my brain needs to cook a bit longer

I think for a combination of reasons, I'm experiencing another cycle of the dark night, or at least have been for a few weeks, as my primary 'center of gravity' and feeling-tone throughout the day. A ton of my 'stuff' is coming out which, while valid and needs to be 'dealt with' in various ways, is something I would like to have a better perspective on (i.e. path!) before fully plunging into. It sucks hard, but that's probably not news to anyone here. Also, I've been having strong kriyas which I think is part of the emotional release of the dark night, among other things

Anyway, I just got to meet up with Kenneth recently and he suggested I post some practice notes, so here is a fresh set from my sit just ending minutes ago:

1 hour

Sat down to the cushion noting sadness and aversion, heavy dukkha nana feelings which persisted through the first half of the sit. Upon closing my eyes, the purplish, hazy mind space was pulsing in conjunction with fluttering eyes. Starting noting aloud with the first foundation: hearing, seeing, fluttering, '¦ (and later) '¦ tingling, pressure, pulsing. (cont'd below)

(cont'd) Soon into the sit I felt a cold, sharp itch near my left ear, then a few seconds later one in the back of my head. A few more subtle ones on top of the head. Then some vibrations in the hands and feet. Noted the 1st foundation for about 10-15mins. Around the end of this there was a flash of white light only around the edges of the visual field (as if a camera flash went off behind my head) and my eyes seemed to roll around for a moment, as if I was suddenly disoriented. This wasn't intense, though, a fairly ordinary feeling.

Then moved to 1st and 2nd foundation: seeing-neutral, hearing-neutral, pain-unpleasant, fluttering-neutral, itch-unpleasant, seeing-unpleasant. This the most difficult part, because I was feeling STRONG aversion, sadness, and just generally awful, so I think this colored my perception of the vedana of each sensation (or is that the vedana itself? That is, there could be a difference between a mind state of awefulness and a sensation that itself has a pleasant vedana? How does one distinguish when everything feels and seems terrible?).

Eventually moved to noting mind states: sadness, aversion, disgust, anxiety, frustration. By this time it was difficult to note out loud anymore, as I was feeling nauseous, so I switched to silent noting. Soon my attention moved to the mind space, which now had a prominent static-like quality to it. Since it was the sensation most clearly presenting itself, I began noting it: flashing, flashing, flashing, vibrating, vibrating. Then it's as if instead of watching the hazy, vibrating mindspace, it seemed to merged with "me" and I was less looking at anything and more like just feeling it. Now my visual attention was less focused on any one space in particular. (cont'd below)

(cont'd) Thus I felt vibrations in sync with the visuals and a familiar, heavy pressure in my palms and eventually a consistent current of vibration running from my palms, up my arms, and in my head. There were some sensations of coolness under my forehead. The overall feeling tone changed from severe unpleasantness to a murky hypnagogic state that was incredibly mental but with all thoughts and images running together. I stuck to noting the prominent flashing and vibrations. Then my body started swaying (as it often does in this situation) and it would lean to one side and then SNAP back to the center AS IF I was falling asleep and just waking up before tipping over'¦except I wasn't nodding off, even if strongly lulled out by the vibrations and mind-state. I did my best to note the flashing, pressure, vibration, practice-thoughts, etc.

Finally, my mind snapped out of this state and I became very aware of heat emanating from my solar plexus, slightly pleasant but subtle. It seemed to run up to my chest and tickle my chin like a flame would (minus the excruciating pain from burning flesh). I noted the heat and tingling for some time. I also felt hot-itches from the raised body temperature on my lower back. Eventually some really annoying itches appeared on the right side of my face and inside my right ear.

Soon after, the bell went off.

50 minutes

Started noting aloud the 1st foundation - seeing, seeing, hearing, pressure, tension, pain, fluttering (of the eyes), pressure (in the palms), burning. Did this for about 10 minutes. Toward the end, once more felt an itch by the left ear, though more subtle. Immediately following, noticed a change the the frequency of the ringing in my ears (a normal backdrop of sound that sometimes comes into the center of my attention'¦also, more speculatively, seems to signal a shift in mind state/jhana). The high-pitched sound momentarily dropped and then resumed its normal frequency.

Then went to 1st + 2nd. Pressure-neutral, fluttering-neutral, hearing-nuetral'¦not sure if I'm doing this right, but most things didn't seem to have a clear positive or negative vedana, so I just went with neutral. But there was also: pain-unpleasant, tension-unpleasant, fluttering-pleasant.

Around this time there was another flash whose source seemed to be behind my eyes (like last sit) and I noticed a distinct shift in the way the purple visual haze presented itself '” it seemed to become a bit more diffuse, but also kind of milky or liquid-like.I soon switched to noting mind-states: boredom, anticipation, aversion, hope, desire, expectation, etc. Not so long after I began noting silently - I was having an unpleasant jaw click following each note that was annoying (annoyance, annoyance).

I soon began to feel a calm overcome my body, and then subtle pleasant vibrations running under the skin from my palms up my arms and face. I also noticed coolness under the skin and pressure around the third eye area. The hypnagogic state once more overtook the mind, with thoughts running together and images seeming to take a life of their own. Noted the confusion. This familiar state is akin to having 'a cloud of unknowing' touching the front half of my upper body, and bringing with it the vibrations, calm, and confusion. (cont'd below)

(cont'd) Again, this experience seems linked to the cloudy haze in the visual field.

Eventually after noting mind-states and thoughts (practice-thoughts, planning-thoughts, scenario-thoughts, etc.) for a while, this passed and there was more clarity. Then it suddenly felt like a ball of energy emerged from nowhere and approached my forehead, temporarily lighting up parts of the mindspace though there was no clear source '” that is, I 'felt' this energy as a pleasant, warmish vibration in that area but didn't see it as a distinct entity, though there was a noticeable brightening.

Sound familiar to anyone? I've had this happen before more, in even greater intensity but not for some time.
Anyway, soon after, the bell rang.

'”

Ok, I've had this question for a long time: The hazy purple cloud I see in the mind-space seems very connected to the strata of mind I access during meditation (and it lights up when I accidentally hit upon deep jhana, becoming this bright source of electric light that also creates incredibly pleasant sensations). Anyone experience this or know what it is? I know there are various models of understanding this type of phenomenon, but I presume it could easily be connected to the chakra system (i.e. 'third eye' or what have you). I'm curious.

Also, I see it when my eyes are open, but it presents more like a layer of distortion or static over the visual field. When I look at a light and look away, a part of this very haze presents a negative afterimage. I understand this is considered a fairly normal function of the eye, but it seems particularly strong in my case. Is this the 'attention wave' that some yogis have referred to and perhaps it becomes more strongly developed over time through contemplative practice (perhaps before dropping away in a PCE/Direct Mode)?

"At some point in this sit I decided to really concentrate on the feeling of no-self, for some reason. To me this means completely relaxing the body and having the awareness that none of it is 'me'. Was sort of in a dreamy state, but had this disposition towards no-self in the back of my mind, and lightly noting space and mindstates. My head was sort of bobbing around and suddenly, for no apparent reason my eyes snapped open. It was like the reaction I've had to energy surges I've experienced in (what I take to be) high EQ, but there was no feeling of an energy surge per se '” just that same action of my body snapping to attention. It seemed like I was reacting to something, except the only thing I can say that it wasn't an experience '” I want to say a non-experience, but I'm not sure if I'm just scripting that. Anyway, I immediately felt this lightness in my head, subtle but palpable, as if a cap had been taken off the top of it. Accompanying that was this great feeling of relief and spaciousness and a new awareness of space around and behind my head '” as if my normal conscious perception of my surroundings had expanded beyond the visual field, suddenly and permanently (I still feel it now).

I was still noting anxiety, boredom, fear, etc. but there was a new distance to this and particularly of note, these feelings had lost some of their weight '” as if some portion of what 'I' was adding to it was no longer being added.

The overriding feeling is/was a sense of openness and lightness.

Also '” although doubt about this arises, it doesn't stick (I just watch and it dissolves) and again, it is not 'heavy' like it was before. Worry and anxiety aren't snowballing either '” I can just watch them dissolve as well. "

Ok, so it looks like I finally 'got' stream entry. The above is what I wrote immediately after the sit where cessation occurred. That was about 10 days ago.

(cont'd below)

(cont'd)

What I notice now:

-a sense of spaciousness around the head, as if awareness extends beyond the boundaries of my body
-attenuated emotions and thoughts (doubt this will last when the next DN hits) and a sense of quiet
-a sense of 'disaggregation' - thoughts arise and fall, but they're not 'me' like I thought/felt they were before
-jhana is increasing in strength, with a feeling of being more spacious (seems related to the sense of my head being 'uncapped') and 'whole-brained' if that makes sense to anyone
-more energetic activity

There are some other subtle things going on, but those are the main changes I've noticed thus far. Of course, we'll see what sticks'¦

First of all I just want to thank everyone here and of course Kenneth for his help during our occasional meetings over the past few months. As much as I've wanted to, I haven't been able to participate much in the discussions due to of the intense amount of suffering (both emotional and physical) I've been experiencing for what feels like forever (and, more or less, is true if forever = nearly all of my life), which motivated me with a kind of careening desperation to 'keep going' and use what little free time I had for as much (formal) practice as possible. I mean, I had been suffering like a dog, as the saying goes (and still am on a fundamental level, of course, but in a much attenuated form..for the time being, at least) so I feel for all the yogis out there in the DN. My life had felt like one long Dark Night, to be honest, and so I wanted to spend only the necessary minimum amount of time reflecting on technique, so that I could devote the rest of the time practicing.

(cont'd below)

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That being said, I've benefited immensely from the discussions here (and at the DhO) and really appreciate the helpful tips and pragmatic discussions, as well as the helpful comments from advanced yogis on this (rarely updated) practice thread.

So I'm going to start a new practice thread soon, as I've got some questions about the best way to proceed now and I aim to update it a bit more frequently

Thank you all and I look forward to hopefully interacting more here at KFD