A path journal

Greetings, this is my practice journal. I just wrote an intro post in general discussion that gives a little more background on my meditation experiences (here: kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/4230858/- ).

I'm writing about a suspected fruition a few weeks ago and then my most recent sits here and will update when I can.

Suspected fruition(s) descriptions:

About two weeks ago I was resting in what I had come to think of as a sort of deep equanimity, a space I could pretty easily get to every time I sat - a quiet, open, spacious state where my eyes and head were permeated by pleasant massaging energy tendrils. I was starting to lull out from those nice, heady equanimity vibes in this one sit when suddenly I "heard" a sound in my head (though different from voices, thoughts, perceived sound, etc. etc.) of "Kashoooo!" and it snapped me out of my reverie. I immediately thought "Was that it?!"

I had a bit of a rush in my body but that could've just been due to the excitement of a possible path moment. After the sit I took a walk and the first thing I noticed was that I could really "feel" my feet (I had recently been struggling with a sense of distance from my feet as I walked around trying to note those sensations), as if suddenly they weren't "out there" anymore. The other thing I soon noticed was what happened when I put my hands together, trying to see what the user monkeymind here described at DhO as a shift in the soft-lighting around the hands or a sharpening of details of the hands. I didn't notice that, however I did notice a sudden emptiness in the sensations'¦it seemed that before I was was adding something to my perceptions of touch, but that was now gone.

(cont'd below)

(cont'd)

Then, that night I had a "snap" sensation as I was drifting off to sleep that shocked my attention - it was like a shotgun going off in my head. Again, these weren't the same as perceived sounds in meditation, however maybe this is just some weird Equanimity stuff? Or perhaps it was some sort of re-entry phenomenon?

Anyway, over the next week I had many more seeming skips and snaps while sitting and walking around, but no total blinkouts in the visual field or anything, so I remained unconvinced. Also, I haven't noticed any crazy jhanic powers, as I've been slipping pretty easily into light-to-medium jhana for a while. I had been feeling pretty different, if on a subtle level, but then...

In the past week I've felt much more solid in my sits and with sensations in general. I also had an afternoon of hard Dark Night-ing (at least in part caused by stress from my new job). The last time I had a suspected fruition was about 4 or 5 days ago. All this says to me says either the placebo-induced effects of thinking I might have landed path have worn off OR I'm on to 2nd path.

I really don't know'¦kinda annoying, but I'm just going to continue to sit and land whatever path lays before me to confirm!

Ok, so on to some sit descriptions:

Reflections on recent notable phenomena and the cutting edge:

-Several sits earlier this week I started out with strong, sharp itches before moving through dark night and reaching equanimity

-After that series, in the following sit it felt like I was revisiting old equanimity territory, as it seemed I had to "squeeze into" equanimity, which was then characterized by harsh vibrations (this was early equanimity for me in the past) and loud "mind sound" ringing (like a tinnitus-type noise that usually signals transition to equanimity for me)

-Then, the few sits after that, it felt like I was moving into what I would "middle equanimity" (just comparing to my early experiences of a similar sequence) -- that is, after reaching a very quiet open space, I begin to feel like a warm/cool light that's shining brightly in my mind whose "rays" my brain and body soak up (it's similar to the feeling of sitting under a strong sun and soaking up the rays'¦anyone know what I mean here?).

Sit: This evening evening, 1hour

Sat down to fretting over posture. Resolved to renounce any previous path or attainment to land whatever path lay before me.

Started with 1-pointed meditation on the anapana spot while counting breaths. Difficult to not lose my place with the numbers, so started over many times. Concentration felt like it was deepening eventually, though, with usual signs of pressure and feelings of "deepening". Noted pressure in the throat area and general tension for some time. The mind noise was annoying, but manageable.

Eventually got to an equanimous place, feeling peaceful and relaxed, with light pressure on the 3rd eye arising. Also felt a lot of tingling energy in the crown chakra. Then came strong eye-light flashing, with the space in front of my eyes pulsing back and forth. Assumed "sweet spot" vipassana/samatha eye mudra Kenneth taught to me and noted the flashing for some time. Eventually pleasant massaging energy tendrils took over the mindspace, filling the eyes with cool calm sensations as the flashing departed. Relaxed in the space for a while, attempting to "incline" the mind toward fruition, but to no avail.

The flashing then returned, along with much stronger pressure at the crown chakra where I previously felt the tingling energy. The bell rang soon after.

Chris have you noticed any changes in your life / practice since the"what was that"?

There is typically a review phase after hitting path where you will go up through equanimity have a fruition and then be back in arising and passing away, as if teleported there. Do you recall this happening at all?

mumuwu, thanks for responding. Well, for the week after I did feel quite different in respect to feeling the emptiness in sensations and the seeming de-prioritization of phenomena (that is, the sensations in my feet felt on the same level as visual sensations and so forth).

I have been following the arc up to equanimity for some time, so that continued with the suspected fruitions (little and blips and cracks, sometimes followed by energy or bright bursts in the mindspace). I was often sitting down to a mindspace that was pulsating, seemingly A&P-like (it really did remind me of when I crossed A&P this summer) as well, but I don't remember cycling up and down quite like you describe.

(Then again, I'm not so high on the clarity spectrum, as I've only been at this seriously for 1.5 months -- so I may not be noticing such things)

That was up until this week, anyway. Now, as I said, I feel as though either the placebo of review has worn off and I'm still hanging around equanimity or I'm actually on 2nd path. I was even experiencing sharp, 3C like itches (which I've never really experienced before in recent memory) at the beginning of a few sits. It could just be I'm noticing new aspects of pre-path cycling, however.

So...yeah, not so sure! I've read about people not really knowing for weeks, even a month or more...so I'm hoping it'll just sort itself out. So long as I'm able to practice with some consistency, it should (I'm at about 2-3 hours a day now, as I'm preparing for my grad program. I hope to get 1-2 hours in a day during school, but we'll see).

I'm not as concerned at this point about figuring out if that was it...I'd rather just land whatever path is ahead - that way I'll really know. Anyway, sorry if that's not so helpful...I hope these practice notes will help me keep better track of all of this!

Sounds like a good plan and a good attitude to have. If you are putting in 2-3 hours a day that's fabulous (more than I've ever put in formally).

Try and keep the momentum going in some way throughout the day as well!

"Try and keep the momentum going in some way throughout the day as well!"

Any tips on non-formal meditation practice?

If I'm trying to land path, should I just stick with noting during the day or can 2nd gear do the same?

45 minute sit.

Sat down to a strongly pulsating mindspace, very reminiscent of A&P. Notice tingling in the feet and rising warmth in the chest.

Noted the pulsing for a while, it diminished for a time, returned, then dropped off (though more subtle pulsing and mindspace movement remained). Noted a little pain, and flash of fear, and then I seemed to reach equanimity. Pleasant purple mindspace.

Then, I was noticing a strong sense of space and it felt like the top of my head opened up. Next, the sides of my head next to my ears opened up. I had no sense of the top of my head. Vague sense of the body, thoughts definitely present but on the perimeter of the experience. Explored this for a while.

Played around with the watcher/witness -- had a brief sensation of something else watching me'¦as if I could see myself sitting (but not quite an OBE).

Seemed to drop back down to pulsing mindspace again. I think there was some pain afterwards. Then it felt like I came back again to the spaciousness. Starting to feel like I could direct the flow of things. Felt some of the pleasant massaging tendrils on my temples and tried to intensify it with some success.

Had an image of swimming underwater toward the brightly-lit surface. Some mixture of that image and the actual experience of the bright cleansing mind-light of the 3rd eye enveloping my experience all fused together. It felt purifying for a brief time.

Then felt like I dropped down to equanimity, with the stronger feelings of pleasant, purple mindspace and vibrations. Some flashing.

Some confusion about what all of that was.

This "opening of the head" is a continuation of the previous night's experience, which I did not mention yet. It felt like this giant cloud of empty spaciousness settled on/in my head. For some reason during the experience I described it (in the distant commentary track of the mind) as "nothingness" or "neither perception nor non-perception".

I could be wrong, but it seems like I'm stumbling into the formless realms. I had one really strong experience of 5th or 6th jhana several weeks back (it felt like everything was floating without a center from my shoulders up), but haven't had anything quite as intense since. These experiences, however, are reminiscent of that.

Interesting experience a few nights ago:

As I was falling asleep, noticed a lot of strong activity in the mindspace - lots of pulsating. I had trouble sleeping for some time.

At some point it seemed liked the mindspace gathered itself together and dropped down and up, possibly another time (A&P double dip?). Lots of energy again in the mindspace. Felt excited, as if that was something.

Resolved to make the something happen again. A few minutes later I "heard" a distinct ring, like an electronic beep, and for a moment thought it was my apartment buzzer. It was not (I don't even think it sounds like that). Again, energy in the mindspace.

Fell asleep soon after.

Woke up to a dream about following a routine I was reading from a script. Didn't seem "right" to do it so mechanically.

Felt my body's energy being jerked all around, in all different directions, all at once. Tingling at the root chakra. It felt as though my body were being pulled along a river and I was bouncing all around.

45 minute sit

Resolved for fruition, planned to pump up concentration through equanimity and then note. First notable sensation was a few sharp itches. Had a strong surge of sadness. A few softer itches. A sharp prick of itch/pain in the mid back followed by a bright burst in the mind.

Eventually felt deep, deep calm yet energetic vibes penetrating the brow as well as arms and hands to the bone. Very satisfying, but noted desire for fruition/enlightenment as well. A lot of pressure in the third eye and deeper in the center of the brain. Also, tingling on the crown chakra as usual. Pleasant massaging tendrils around my temples and even above my ears (they seem to expand their territory in deep sits like this one).

Felt surge of a particular type of energy that I encounter frequently: it's a strange mix of willed + spontaneous energy from the center of the body. It seems to be connected to kundalini energy in some way. It's like I sense this type of energy and call it up and can attenuate or intensify it, yet the times when it's most powerful are when first "sensed" and then accessed. When accessing it, it's the same sensation of effort as one has when tensing the abdominal muscles, but those actually don't contract. Anyone know what I'm talking about?

Anyway, attempted to call up fruitions toward the end of the sit as done in the Jhanic Free For All (really, really awesome recording and an invaluable contribution, btw -- thank you all!). To no avail.

The bell rang.

I'm now leaning towards the suspected fruition being just a near-miss or something. It's been over 3 weeks since that time and I've no clear indicators of path (though often suspicious moments or skips, but nothing clear).

It depends on the situation I suppose. Noting out loud is probably preferable, witness is great for other things where noting would be distracting or impractical (I like witness while driving).

You'll want to get rid of the divide between formal / non-formal practice as time goes one. Aside from interacting with people almost any situation is suitable for noting or at least witness practice. I would stick with noting as a main practice until you get path. It's the powerhouse (I don't tend to get the fireworks with witness as I do with noting - which is one of the reasons I like the witness so much).

Have you tried the bystander (see how it types, see how it looks, see how it thinks, see how it aches, see how it is sleepy, see how it aches, see how it itches, see how it types)?

Yes, good suggestions. I've been experimenting with noting in daily life with varying degrees of consistency and diligence over the past several weeks (and more recently the witness, though I still need to learn more. Is just asking "Who am I" it?).

Any tips on noting in daily life? For instance, while walking to the library I will primarily note "walking, walking" every other step, but it seems to become rhythmic -- is that too mechanical? Is there a certain type of sensation that works better than others in daily life (e.g. physical vs. thoughts).

Or what about when doing something like making a sandwich - should I just note the activity (slicing, slicing, spreading, spreading)? It seems to go by so quickly that it's hard to keep up with the movements.

Also, I'm not familiar with the bystander -- haven't encountered it on the articles on the site yet, but I haven't read through everything either.

Anyway, thanks for the help!

Meditation has been following similar patterns and I'll usually end up in deep, vibratory Equanimity territory. Lots of activity in the crown chakra. I've settled into pumping up concentration until I get close to Equanimity (I'm often fooled into breaking off prematurely into what seems like Re-observation) and then noting for the rest of the time.

What I often note is the eye-flashing, looking for the "drop off" or off-beat of the flashes. I'll assume the eye mudra Kenneth told me about (halfway up between the top of my nose and forehead). What about the focus of the eyes, though -- should I let them go unfocused in that position (that's what they want to do often) or keep them around the center somewhat focus so I can actually see the vibratory lights better?

Two interesting developments.

1) Yesterday I was feeling especially pleasant pulsing in my third eye area as I was doing some work, so I began meditating noting the pleasant vibes. I was just noticing the difference between A&P's mindspace and equanimity's mindspace (to me, at least, if I'm correctly diagnosing). The former contains tighter, more electrical and bright purple vibes whereas the latter is more spacious and diffuse. Anyway, I was noticing this and the spherical purple mindspace approach my inner vision and quite blissfully consumed the mind. It was like my A&P experience this summer, though not quite as strong.

This brings up a lot of questions about pre-path cycling and the difference between regular cycling and center of gravity progressions in the nanas, and so forth.

Any thoughts?

[Edit: oops, left some half-edited sentences hanging around]

2) Had a "big issue" dream that involved fire. Woke up to the burning sensation and realized they were emanating from my sacral chakra (or whatever energy center is just below the naval). I think I need a lot of clearing work there. Since I'm paying more attention to it now, I notice how much heat it contains and it feels filled with all this nauseous emotional nastiness that I've accumulated over the years. I've begun practicing qi gong and the small universe meditation -- anyone else have experience with effective energy work? How about Goenka's body scanning techniques - a useful adjunct at this point?

So this is not so much a sit report as a request for advice about what to do about backsliding amidst an increasingly busy schedule (I've just started grad school and will likely only be able to formally devote 1-2 hours a day).

Of course, right, there is nothing "more" to "do" in a sense. Note the frustration over backsliding, note the hellish fear of the Dark Night. Noted.

What I'd really appreciate would be any advice about how to most maximize every moment, formal and informal, for insight. I'd love to hear even just general lifestyle tips from those who have attained path in daily life. I'd be grateful for any bits of insight here

So what am I doing as it stands? When walking around, I note the sensations of the feet. "Walking, Walking" I note every second or so, but sometimes it seems a little too rhythmic. I try to feel the arising and passing phenomena as viscerally as possible, however. Should I note sounds or mind states instead?

What about in class? Cultivate the Witness? Any tips for doing that in such a situation? These sort of pragmatic suggestions would be great.

In terms of my sits, I spend about 1/3 - 1/2 the time solid anapana (as "solid" as possible, at least) and the rest noting the eye flashing, the tension, the space, the peace (less and less these days), and so forth. I still come to a point where I get a lot of tingling activity in the crown chakra and if I have a lot of momentum for the day, really deep vibrations down to the bone.

I guess it's just doing what I can, being as consistent as possible, and letting this thing soak on through as it will?

Anyway, I've been mostly lurking because of this recent major life transition to grad school in a new city, but I appreciate all of the helpful dialogue on the site and hope to contribute more sometime soon.

Thank you, Chris

'So what am I doing as it stands? When walking around, I note the sensations of the feet. "Walking, Walking" I note every second or so, but sometimes it seems a little too rhythmic. I try to feel the arising and passing phenomena as viscerally as possible, however. Should I note sounds or mind states instead?'
-Chris

Instead of noting broad categories like 'walking' or 'thinking', I have tried to break them up into smaller parts. When walking outside I concentrate on the body sensations like the feeling of the soles of the feet against the shoes (softness), heels hitting the pavement (pressure), movement of the legs and arms (swaying) and that muscle tension I have on my right hip after walking some time (cramping, burning). Also stomach muscles are excellent for investing when doing something or moving around as they tend to be active all the time (softness, contraction, tightness). Not to mention the sensations of the skin: brushing against the clothes, feeling of breeze (coolness), sunshine (warm) etc. When I have the body sensations going on nicely, it is time to include mind states (calm, unsatisfied, happy, peaceful, anxious, worried'¦) and thoughts (imaging thought, analyzing thought, judging thought, planning thought, worrying thought). Watching other people is for me an inspirational object of enquiry as they generate all kinds of thought and emotions (interest, aversion, desire, disinterest, judging thought).

Here are some threads on the same topic that you may find useful:

About mindfulness during every day life:
kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/41...second+gear+practice

Check especially Telecasters Anchor technique:
kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/41...ery+day+is+a+retreat

Very useful technique by Owen
kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/4235682/The+Alien

Antero.

"Instead of noting broad categories like 'walking' or 'thinking', I have tried to break them up into smaller parts. When walking outside I concentrate on the body sensations like the feeling of the soles of the feet against the shoes (softness), heels hitting the pavement (pressure), movement of the legs and arms (swaying) and that muscle tension I have on my right hip after walking some time (cramping, burning). Also stomach muscles are excellent for investing when doing something or moving around as they tend to be active all the time (softness, contraction, tightness). Not to mention the sensations of the skin: brushing against the clothes, feeling of breeze (coolness), sunshine (warm) etc. When I have the body sensations going on nicely, it is time to include mind states (calm, unsatisfied, happy, peaceful, anxious, worried'¦) and thoughts (imaging thought, analyzing thought, judging thought, planning thought, worrying thought). Watching other people is for me an inspirational object of enquiry as they generate all kinds of thought and emotions (interest, aversion, desire, disinterest, judging thought). "

All very helpful, thank you so much for taking the time to answer in detail!

I've also recently found that, a la the "Collection of tips to get stream entry" thread ( kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/page/Coll...+to+get+stream+entry ), investigating the sensations that make up what I think to be my "self" at the ajna chakra to be really helpful, giving me the sense that things are moving along.

I have had a LOT of pressure there since A&P - any other tips with the head pressure? I think Bruno's advice with the "soft focus" there is pretty key.

1 Hour, this evening

Sat down to heat and itchiness, but that that had at least partially to do with just coming from a brisk walk home. Did about 25-30 minutes of anapana breath counting, noticed the "electric" quality of the purple mindspace about 5-10 minutes in. Later on, feelings of embarrassment and heat from a possibly too strongly-worded comment made in a discussion today. Noted embarrassment, "wise remorse", judging, heat.

Things moved along, began noting. Mindspace vibrations seemed to gradually sync up. Had a strong rush of impatience, desire for enlightenment, wondering when this damn thing will pop, etc. etc.

(I have to restrain myself from actually asking this question to the board!)

Then began noting the pressure in the center of the head, followed by investigation of the sense of "I'. Used the term "self-ing" to keep the mind on the sensations that make up self (a strange mix of thought, perspective, and physicality, as I interpret it at the moment). Not sure if this is agreeable to vipassana technique, as I'd describe it as a sort of directed mantra, but it seemed to hone in awareness on those sensations, though they are INCREDIBLY elusive! Every time I get a sense of that otherwise embedded "I"-feeling, it disperses. Suggestions?

This did seem to send me deeper into a spacious-type jhanic state, so it felt like "progress". It really felt as though I was getting at the core illusion of things -- as I had the feeling that it was THE essential thing to investigate (that's how I'd retrospectively describe it at least; it was just more of a sense of really being present with the phenomena).

Any thoughts from anyone? Anything would be appreciated.

Hi Chris,

I'm kind of regretting having posted those tips as they seem to be causing people to not follow the technique. All you really need to do is note WHATEVER takes centre stage in the experience of Chris in the very moment. It is LOOKING AT not looking for. IF the centrepoint vibrations are taking centre stage just note them as vibrations/sensations and give em a tone. Don't worry if they are centre point or not.

Here is the best tip of which I recently added to that article, by Kenneth Folk:

Six: Forget about the tips and tricks. Forget about the centerpoint. Forget about the 3 characteristics. Forget about whether you think you are concentrated or not. Forget about what you think you know about meditation.

Every time you discover the "problem" with your meditation, note your reaction to that thought. Note the thought itself. Note once per second, aloud, for the duration of your sitting. Note catastrophizing, dramatizing, histrionics, self-pity, evaluation thoughts, impatience, despair, self-loathing, joy, triumph, scenario spinning, longing, desire for deliverance, irritation, doubt, bliss, absorption, distraction, fear, anger, rage, disgust, euphoria, hope, contentment, anticipation, softness, hardness, coolness, warmth, pulsing, burning, itching, throbbing, stinging, tingling, hearing, seeing, tasting, smelling, pleasant, unpleasant, neutral, petulance, futility, dullness, fatigue; what have I left out? Of course you would like some kind of a shortcut or a tip. There is no such thing. There is only the mastery of this simple technique. By the time you master this technique, you will be an arahat. If you distract yourself from this technique by trying to tweak the recipe, the warrantee is void.

Just note whatever takes centre stage. Don't look for the self. That will just cause tension and frustration. Just note whatever is noticed int he very moment. No looking for!!!!

Ah, understood. Thank you for your response. I read that earlier in another thread, but it'll be good to have it here as a reminder.

I will say though that often the most prominent thing is the centerpoint pressure. Often, in what seems to be equanimity, it's just THERE, a constant presence.

In the last few sits I'd been looking for, in that sensation of pressure, the sense of self and I can see how that's confusing things too much (though dissolving the sense of self as part of the 3C seems like a good idea, it sounds like that's too much of a higher-order, top-down approach to the bare simplicity of noting).

I'll keep on noting, not looking for (and note the temptation to look!).

Ahhhh....keep going, right?

"

Ahhhh....keep going, right? "

Yep! Keep on keeping on! Momentum! Momentum! Momentum! Disembed! Disembed! Disembed!

and NOTE WHATEVER IS TAKING CENTRE STAGE....if it is the center point pressure, note pressure, if it is something else, note something else.

So it's been a while since I've posted, but I'm keeping up my practice despite the busy life of a grad student. Actually, as interested as I am in my studies, all I really want to do is (formally) meditate! I of course try to maintain mindfulness in every moment and note when appropriate, but sitting meditation is like a distant lover and the hours between when I can see her seem to me like months.

I'm able to put in anywhere from 45 minutes to 3 hours a day, but it's usually around 1.5-2 hours, along with daily ashtanga yoga asanas and biweekly qi gong exercises. Sometimes I'll be able to do the small universe meditation before bed, which REALLY gets the energy body buzzing. Speaking of which, I've had a lot of that activity. One day last weekend I did qi gong standing and the small universe meditation in bed and, aside from the usual energy bursts during the practice, afterwords I felt my root chakra pulsing and heating. This has happened a few times before'¦perhaps my energy channels are starting to open?

Also, during sits this week I've felt kundalini energy rising up to my mid back (I have a lot of energy blockages that correspond to coarser muscular tension and the mid back is one location where I have an especially large blockage).

So interesting stuff on that end.

(cont'd below)

(cont'd) In regards to sitting, I follow along the same pattern: building concentration with one-pointed on the nose until I either feel too intense pressure in the third eye or the eye fluttering/pulsing is mindspace is so intense that I have to switch to noting.Usually, I'll eventually experience very strong pleasant vibrations in the eyes and head with tingling in the crown chakra. Sometimes, it will go quite deep where I'll then "try" to surrender and just let whatever happens happen.

The other night, however, I had an "insight" into how I was trying to shape my experience at this point, as has been warned against by many other this board and elsewhere. When I was really deep, I had been letting go, ie surrendering, but with expectation. I think for the first time the other night I finally was able to let go and NOT have expectations that subtly shaped the experience -- or, if I did, I immediately became aware of that and let it go by just observing it (and thus not be embedded by it).

Looking back over the past several weeks, I would say the past few I've been at a baseline somewhere in the early DN as I was having incredibly intense bouts of anxiety, fear, etc. Those have since passed (though the occasional neurotic worrying remains) and I'm now at a point where all I want to do is meditate and have fantasized about quitting grad school for meditation and so forth (not planning to fall into that trap!).

Putting things in those terms, I guess I thought I was farther along than I am. Or perhaps I backslid since starting grad school? At the beginning of august, I was certain that my baseline was in equanimity. In those days I was always relaxed and buoyant and experiencing pleasant fluttering and child-like joy.

Regardless, I guess things are moving along'¦

[Edit: deleted a misleading phrase that couldn't explained in the allotted room for this post]