Serena's Practice Journal 1

Hi Serena,

When you say "blinking" do you mean the eyelids are blinking? Or is it something occurring with your perception of things?

Nick

Hi Nick,

It is an active blink, and a mudra that Kenneth showed me, so it's by no means connected to perception (although I do observe strobing when this happens). It is something that now naturally seems to start up of its own accord though. I don't will it to happen anymore.

Interesting! As I have not ever talked to Kenneth about Mudras, could you elaborate about what he told you, if possible?

Keep sitting, keep observing what happens before and after any of that "blinking" and keep reporting it here. As Kenneth always says, with time it will become clearer.

My guess? Probably not fruition. The kind of eyelid blinking you're describing (if I'm understanding it properly) sounds more like the result of the bioenergetic currents working their way through your "psychic anatomy." As "blockages" are cleared up, the spontaneous movements (shaking, winking, twisting, grimacing, etc.) generally lessen.

I can't say I know for sure, though. That's just what it sounds like to me.

You latest report is excellent. Keep it up!

Hi NIck,
Sure. If i have this right, it's a vipassana technique. The only trouble is I don't want to lead you down a dark alley as I can't exactly remember how Kenneth first suggested I get into the mudra. I think it was to look up slightly with eyes closed. My eyes just start blinking whilst closed of their own accord now. Probably best to check this with him...I'm far from qualified!

Jackson - thanks for your encouragement...you're probably right, it's just a phase and nothing to write home about.
And Tomotvos has a point - wishful thinking - not an ally in this game.
Michael (AugustLeo) has, as ever, been succinct in his commentary, pointing out the dangers of participating in online practice forums and the confusions inherent therein. Still, I enjoy being part of an online community - it makes the journey feel a little less lonely.

Meantime, I'll keep at it and report back as best I can.

Thanks all

So...life and meditation practise and how they coincide become all the more nebulous. What is connected to what and how?
The last two days I have been plunged into an attack of chronic fatigue, which, as any other sufferers out there will tell you is no fun. It completely wipes you out - no energy to move or to interact, no lightness of being. For moments I tried noting, but then, sank right back in again, forgetting, forgetting. It's like drowning in unconsciousness when you've gotten used to breathing conscious air. I'm coming out the other side now. Back in the driver's seat, thinking, what the hell was all that?
So whether or not this relates directly to meditation practice, its part of my life path, and somehow there's a connection, if only that one day I can overcome this condition by achieving happiness regardless of condition.

Best wishes with this Serenamay.

Very inspiring when successful practitioners like yourself let us in on their struggles. Like all things (fortunately or unfortunately) this too will pass away. Knowing that on a deep level has helped me greatly in the recent past.

Thanks for your reply Mumuwu, yep, it'll pass all right. These human sufferings are very humbling though, and keep us on the level. I visited Ethiopia some years ago and got the shock of my life in Addis Ababa...I had never seen such suffering in full 'glare'. I still think of it often - kids being run over in the street as a matter of course, just because they were in the way, war veterans with limbs missing living on the streets, sheep roaming around in the cities eating rubbish. We're very lucky to have such opportunities here in the west and to have the comfort levels to be able to practice in peace the best part of the time. Gratitude

"Thanks for your reply Mumuwu, yep, it'll pass all right. These human sufferings are very humbling though, and keep us on the level. I visited Ethiopia some years ago and got the shock of my life in Addis Ababa...I had never seen such suffering in full 'glare'. I still think of it often - kids being run over in the street as a matter of course, just because they were in the way, war veterans with limbs missing living on the streets, sheep roaming around in the cities eating rubbish. We're very lucky to have such opportunities here in the west and to have the comfort levels to be able to practice in peace the best part of the time. Gratitude "

Yeah we often forget this.

Despite feeling rotten and pretty miserable the last few days (and not having sat either) I sat this evening and concentration wasn't a problem. I observed the blinking mudra and during the stops observed and experienced positive energy rising through the body, soon feeling like waves of bliss. This co-existed with the feelings of misery and superseded them - misery faded into the background although was still present.

This evening I observed unusually strong emotions of misery, self pity, grieving. These were recurrent throughout the meditation. Also strong was drowsiness (probably due to flu remedies due to having some bug or other) and there were more and stronger pulses than usual that appeared to cover quite large areas of and around the body. This really is testing. I nearly didn't sit today - but as Kenneth says, this is the fish on my plate.

tcs.net/michaels_blog/images/IMG_8795.JPG

"This evening I observed unusually strong emotions of misery, self pity, grieving. These were recurrent throughout the meditation. Also strong was drowsiness (probably due to flu remedies due to having some bug or other) and there were more and stronger pulses than usual that appeared to cover quite large areas of and around the body. This really is testing. I nearly didn't sit today - but as Kenneth says, this is the fish on my plate."



Yesterday I had some amazingly crappy sensations come out my chest and throat. Noted lilke crazy! It went away by itself eventually. You will cycle and cycle. Get good at surrendering to those not so nice phenomena, get intimate with them and note their arses' off!

Aw, thanks for the encouragement you both!

30 minutes of sitting observing feelings/sensations arising and passing. Energy levels still low due to bug but this doesn't seem to affect concentration too much. As I investigated just after the end of events I noticed visual lightening and feelings lightening too.

I spoke with Kenneth yesterday evening focusing on noting practice.
This morning - breakfast meditation - consisted of walking, twisting, placing, lifting, chewing swallowing, tension, freedom, repositioning, etc etc. Interesting with the noting that sometimes there is a lag (i.e. the noting happens after the event) and sometimes there is pre-empting (noting happens before the event). So I'm trying to keep it in real time. The plan now is to build in off-the-cushion noting into my daily life so there is less segregation. I'll aim for a couple of these noting sessions a day along with cushion practice and then aim to pull myself round to noting as much as possible at other times (I don't find it useful doing this when with company too much at the moment - I get too detached - but this may change is noting becomes more second nature). Also, much as I'd like to get path, the reality is that I get over-ambitious in life and I don't want this to just become another thing on my achievements agenda - that's a recipe for disaster. So this is a feminine approach - take it step wise. Gentle pressure. What will be will be.
I'm booking a retreat in October to give myself a clear run at this too.

I spent an hour noting during ablutions and breakfast this morning. Specifically noticed strong resistant thought patterns in the initial stages of noting - one of which was apprehension at annihilation of self. I've experienced this before, so not too much of a shock. Just kept noting, observing the resistance and as time progressed there was more noting of freedom. There were times where actions dominated and times where actions were less and thoughts and feelings appeared and dissolved more prevalently. I'm finding this a particularly useful practice at present and the more I do it the more I am drawn back to noting even when I am not purposefully doing it. Like now for instance...typing, freedom, apprehension...

""I'm finding this a particularly useful practice at present and the more I do it the more I am drawn back to noting even when I am not purposefully doing it. Like now for instance...typing, freedom, apprehension..."

"Interesting with the noting that sometimes there is a lag (i.e. the noting happens after the event) and sometimes there is pre-empting (noting happens before the event). So I'm trying to keep it in real time."

"The plan now is to build in off-the-cushion noting into my daily life so there is less segregation. I'll aim for a couple of these noting sessions a day along with cushion practice and then aim to pull myself round to noting as much as possible at other times (I don't find it useful doing this when with company too much at the moment - I get too detached - but this may change is noting becomes more second nature)."

"Also, much as I'd like to get path, the reality is that I get over-ambitious in life and I don't want this to just become another thing on my achievements agenda - that's a recipe for disaster. So this is a feminine approach - take it step wise. Gentle pressure. What will be will be.
I'm booking a retreat in October to give myself a clear run at this too.""

Sounds like great practice!

I experienced massive resistance to sitting on Friday and despite being aware I was experiencing it, events conspired and I didn't sit. Yesterday the chronic fatigue syndrome was particularly chronic - so much so that my brain function was terrible - very slow - couldn't even recollect where I'd parked the car in the mall (spent a long time wandering around various floors looking for it!) and felt totally spaced out. Didn't sit. Both days I did the odd bit of off the cuff noting - mostly silently as I was around others.
This morning - I sat for 30 minutes, beginning by noting and then observing vipassana mudras - I began to observe pressure around the third eye - on top, behind, underneath, to the left, to the right...continued like this for a time and then 'sank' into the third eye. At this point there was no sense of having two eyes - just having one.

How long do you have CMS? Any idea what started it? A friend of mine has it too, it improved a big deal the past years. She even has a baby son now.

"I experienced massive resistance to sitting on Friday and despite being aware I was experiencing it, events conspired and I didn't sit. Yesterday the chronic fatigue syndrome was particularly chronic - so much so that my brain function was terrible - very slow - couldn't even recollect where I'd parked the car in the mall (spent a long time wandering around various floors looking for it!) and felt totally spaced out. Didn't sit. Both days I did the odd bit of off the cuff noting - mostly silently as I was around others.
This morning - I sat for 30 minutes, beginning by noting and then observing vipassana mudras - I began to observe pressure around the third eye - on top, behind, underneath, to the left, to the right...continued like this for a time and then 'sank' into the third eye. At this point there was no sense of having two eyes - just having one.

"

"The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light. But if thine eye be evil, thy whole body shall be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in thee be darkness, how great is that darkness."

Matthew 6:22, 23

Hi Mini - never got chance to reply - had CFS about two and a hal;f years now - symptoms quite a lot better, but just had a 'crash' recently so struggling to get back up to a manageable level of function.
Finally! After two more days of feeling utterly crap and having to spend all my spare time resting, I get to meditate today! Mind is a bit spaced out, so trying to catch thoughts before they go on too long. I'm still doing the vipassana, but really wanna wanna do jhanas. I guess I'm getting impatient

I followed these to get 1st Jhana (specifically the teachings on watching the breath).

www.ajahnchah.org/book/Just_Do_It_1_2.php

One addition - keep the mind focused on the sensation of the breath at one point (say one nostril). Don't move your gaze from there. Don't follow it in, don't follow it out. Just be aware of the pleasant sensation of air moving across that point like a carpenter would be aware of the point he is sawing at, but not the saw. He is watching where he wants to cut only.

Once you get concentrated and the breath starts to feel very nice, allow that feeling to spread throughout the body. Tune your mind into the pleasantness. It helps to smile as well. By focusing on the pleasant feeling you are trying (or not trying tee hee) to create a feedback loop. The theory is that by focusing on a pleasant sensation in a super one-pointed way, you will generate more pleasant sensations, and as stick catches fire at a certain point, so to will the pleasure take off into a hard Jhana eventually if you just allow the mind to rest on the pleasant sensation and do nothing else. It's a bit of a trick, but like certain other pleasurable experiences in life, you kind of have to get out of the way and allow it to happen.

At some point breathing in will feel absolutely amazing all over, and breathing out will too, and eventually it becomes just the most exquisit thing ever. I used to find myself laughing very giddily and not being able to help it. I've only done this a few times, it can get harder after a couple of successful attempts because you get attached and try to manipulate too much. One of these days I'll have to get back into it.

Hi serena,

Just wanted to say I suffered from a CFS type syndrome for a number of years all of which I was practising. Not easy. For years I made the mistake of trying somehow to practice my way out of the situation, but in the end wasn't able to sustain it. There was (had to be)in the end a kind of deeper acceptance and surrender. In the end it came down to there is always awareness, there is always surrender. Even if the mind is foggy and the body is weak something still knows this. This can be enough. In the end my health did improve, and then a couple of years later fell apart again where both my mind and body went. Unworkable, unmanageable, and yet always awareness and surrender again. Now I'm largely OK again and look back - a big teacher being sick, deeply humbling and softening of the ego. These are terms which are often not talked of on this forum. I have now gained a few paths, and when I look around at my friends who had better conditions and haven't developed insight I think one of the things that made the difference is having to let go and learn what is really important. But this is just my story and its not meant to be advice or anything - I strongly believe no two people's way through this stuff is the same - more from a spirit of comraderie (still get neck pain). I still have health issues, why is mystery I will never understand. Another thing. I gained first path two days after realising I had view that I couldn't get enlightened if I was sick. Dumped the view and whoooosh. Best wishes, there is a way through.

Thanks Richard, that's incredibly helpful. I've taken the attitude so far - what the hell - if they can do it - I can do it! But I keep getting knocked back by illness. And I'm finding being goal oriented just isn't working for me because of it - ambitions seem doomed to failure. So you sharing your experience is an invaluable insight for me. I love this forum, but sometimes feel as though I can't keep up with all these people gaining path at a rate of knots!! It makes me feel a bit of a failure - I was in fact just beginning to observe thoughts of "I'll never get there in this lifetime!". I guess this is the paradox that you had to work through. I am getting to the point of accepting that just sitting daily, if I possibly can, and however rubbish the experience appears to be, is still better than not sitting. The temptation to say "f$%k it," and throw in the towel is there, but I've done this before and of course, I think we all know what happens then - it's back to total immersion in duality, so keeping going whatever is the better option. Thanks again Richard, you're a brick (which in England means, a great support)!