Dan's Practice Journal

4.20.2013

10 minutes of candle flame kasina. 30 minutes of insight. Mind was scattered but it was nice to sit.

4.21.2013

10 min flame kasina. 45 minutes insight. 5 minutes metta.

Seemed to move through nanas but did not pay much attention to the pattern just worked on noting. Got to peaceful place. Predominant sensation in right temple. Pulsing and twitching. Similar to 3rd eye area I have been experiencing lately. Teeth were vibrating strongly. Almost felt like chattering from cold. Mind wandered frequently. Events in Boston (my hometown) had a significant impact on me this week. Did not sleep well.

Missing sits for 3 days this past week. I found it interesting that I kept having to remind myself that it was only 3 days because it felt like I had not meditated in weeks. Kind of bizarre.
4.22.2013

10 min kasina. 20 minutes insight. tired and foggy. concentration poor. did not sleep well last night. woke up in the middle of the night with some dreadful, self-loathing thoughts. Used bystander technique to dis-embed and quickly went back to sleep.

Hang in there, that seems like good momentum beneath a few superficial layers of negativity.

Thanks Nick.

4.24.2013

1 hour sit

10-15 minutes of concentration and 45 minutes of insight. Good noting session with some zoning out. Felt like lack of practice of late was evident as I did not seem to approach cutting edge.

4.25.2013

50 minutes

10 minutes concentration and 40 minutes insight. Similar session to yesterday. Lots of jaw tension. 3rd eye sensations pretty much absent.

4.28.2013

the last few days I have sat for 30 -60 minutes. Not as much as I like but I feel like I have stopped backsliding and starting to get back on track. Last few sits have been really peaceful and calm. 3rd eye sensation becoming predominant again.

4.29.2013

Short sit this am. about a half hour. Continued with string of very pleasant sits. Relaxed, calm. Work on concentration for about ten minutes and was really getting into it. Almost stuck with it because it became really interesting.

5.1.2013
15 minutes before bed

Concentration practice, counting breaths for a few minutes. Started noting, getting drowsy, and then a sudden expansion in the field of vision, kind of startling, snapped me out of my drowsiness. Accompanied by some visual stuff. Stayed with this for about 5 minutes then started dosing off again.

5.2.20.13
about an hour and 15 minutes

Very chill and peaceful. It feels like a new pattern emerging. Lack of striving and desire for progress. Lack of doubt and skepticism about path (not that I have full of faith, I just don't have the persistent doubting thoughts).

Body felt relaxed. No significant tension. Jaw tension dropped away at some point during sit. 3rd eye was not perceived as tension or pressure, more like vibration. Spinal column kept grabbing my attention. Difficult to explain but felt clean and clear, really comfortable, at ease. I was trying to investigate a particular sensation related to this noting of pleasant but had a hard time. I have to say this is the most enjoyable my sitting experience has ever been. Been happening to some degree for that past few days and building.

Felt desire to do metta, about 20 minutes at end of sit. This felt really nice as well.

5.3.2013

40 minutes

Did not sleep well last night. Tossing and turning and thinking. Seemed half asleep and half awake. Concentration was poor. Was really getting into mental content. Transitioned to insight after about 10-15 minutes. investigated nausea type sensation in solar plexus related to anxious/worried thoughts. Sensation seemed to keep triggering various anxious thoughts. Harsh vibrations on surface of skin throughout body.

5.5.2013

30 minutes

3rd eye immediately really strong. Tried to focus on this area. Eyes started twitching. Some flashing and then things chilled out. Continued with noting physical sensations at forehead and thoughts and emotions. Feel kind of crappy afterward. Anxiety, doubt, frustration toward practice. Feel stuck. Seems to be a back and forth/up and down to the practice these days. Few days high, few days low. A back and forth from equanimity to dn? not sure.

5.7.2013

1 hour

15 minutes of concentration: counting breaths

45 minutes insight: 3rd eye sensation almost immediately present. Harsh vibrations in chest and solar plexus. Uncomfortable and seemingly the source of negative thoughts. These sensation becaem less predominant and 3rd eye area became the focus. Became playful in exploring this area. Realize that I have a hard time staying with the sensation there. I think I have been unconsciously giving it special status and not investigating it like an itch, or pain or any other body sensation. When I did things would shift a little. Really pleasant tingling sensations would emerge on the crown. This was kind of an off an on. Lots of desire and craving for progress were observed and noted

5.8.2013

1 hour in am

Concentration (counting breaths for about 15-20 minutes) Insight: Peaceful. Physical sensations predominately in the face region. Jaw tension, 3rd eye pulsing, pressure, vibration. Really got engaged like I haven't been for a while. No boredom, more energy. Wanted to sit more.

Off-cushion: pleasant. no anxiety or irritation. 3rd eye sensation almost constant. Computer screen vibratory at times while working. At one moment while working at computer I saw a flash of light out of the corner of my eye, and then just entered this weird distant space. Fear rushed in. Lasted just a moment or two. Had the opportunity to sit early evening (rare event)

30 minutes pm

Some flashing. Sensation around crown. Lifted my hand certain I had accidentally left my ball-cap on. It was so clear to me that I was wearing a hat I was shocked when I touched my hair and not the hat. This sensation remained for the entirety of the sit. 3rd eye very active, pulsing, vibrating. Pressure at temples.

5.13.2013

no sitting Sat and Sun.

this morning 1 hour

got extremely calm and relaxed rather quickly. sensations really subtle. felt really good. sensations mostly around the head and face. noted lots of visuals (cloud-like). Worked to note mind states and generally feel like I am getting more proficient at this although it still feels very elusive. some vibrations in sounds and visual field. I am surprised by this sit. yesterday and last evening I was solidly in an anxious state of mind mostly worrying about the children. Had a few episodes recently where the children have gotten hurt via accidents and some potential big accidents and it has left me pretty rattled.

5.14.2013

40 mins

Did not sleep well last night. Sit predominately sleepy. Concentration difficult. Daydreamy. Stiff back. Some "harsh" vibrations" on the skin, felt throughout body. Anxious thoughts about work. I am beginning to see a correlation between the flavor of these sits and my mood off the cushion. Usually feel short tempered, easily frustrated, and very irritable after these sits. Not sure if this is just a sleep thing or some regression.

Went to bed last night feeling somewhat ill. Tired, achy, and congested. Woke up late, and did not have time to sit as children were up soon after. Tried in vain to sit with sleeping baby on lap but did not go well and was fairly unproductive (she kept waking up and needed to be soothed back to sleep). I try to stay aware and mindful in these moments but it is not a substitute for a sit.

I soon realized, as my day has begun, that I feel like a miserable bastard. Feel so unbearably irritated and angry. Trying not to let it bleed through but have been unsuccessful so far. Feelings of despair and desire for deliverance are present. Lots of cursing and carrying on about tasks. Feel lots of dissonance. At one point the baby was crying, the older two were fighting, the dog was whining, and I literally wanted to scream. Lots of tension in my jaw. This might be from bearing down and clenching my teeth when I am angry. Tried to sneak away and sit for about 20 minutes in the woods and tried to use this as an opportunity to notice these strong feelings and sensations. There always seems to be a strong buzzing on the skin sensation associated with these feelings. not sure if this is the case for others and would be curious to know.

I have a strong feeling of being trapped in this process. Which frightens me. Find myself being really angry with meditation, maps and the whole nine yards. In a nutshell, I am full of negativity. Forcing myself to right about it so that it is documented and not forgotten.

Hi Dan, sounds like a tough patch and really hope you don't let it get to you. Are you doing noting - it can be great off cushion to suck up some mental and emotional bandwidth to save getting caught up in those emotional stories. Of course I am no expert and I found noting difficult at first but its really worth the effort and might help you get through this period more easily. I found in a reasonably short period of time, with practice it helped me to be less involved in 'my stuff' and just watch it. I must admit though, I have not been tested to the level you are at but I hope this helps. Metta practice is good too - especially towards yourself. Best wishes. <!-- s;) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt="" title="Wink" /><!-- s;) -->

Hi Rod,

&quot;Suck up some mental and emotional bandwidth&quot; - I like that.

I do try to note and often use bystander technique in those moments. I do find it really helpful. What I am finding is that these mind states come on hard and fast but the good news seems to be that they don't seem to last long.

Yesterday afternoon I seemed fine and was wondering what all the fuss was about. I don't like writing about it and putting it out there. But maybe it helpful to someone. Don't know. Appreciate you checking in. Dan

45 Minutes

Went straight into insight practice, no concentration. Really day-dreamy and sleepy. Was working hard noting. Starting to feel like I have not been working to include more subtle mind states.

I think its good to write it down - for later reflection, for others to benefit from and its an outlet for you as well - as long as you are comfortable with it.
I found noting subtle mind states difficult as well - when I started noting, I could really only note body sensations and the occasional strong emotion and as a result didn't see much point in the practice. I kept at it and the ability to notice and note more subtle sensations and states has developed and continues to - I am no expert but I can see significant improvement with practice over time and can see why this practice is so effective.
Glad you are feeling better. Best to you. <!-- s:) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt="" title="Smile" /><!-- s:) -->

Yesterday

Sat in afternoon for about 1 hour. Noted well. Seemed to be in DN and progressed into EQ, entering calm. Third eye pressure/tenion/vibration. Playing with attention on this area.

Off-cushion: seemed to be hanging out in a fear and anxious state for much of the day. Lots of worrying thoughts about work and kids. This was starting to creep up Thursday and has building over the past couple of days.

Today

Woke from anxious dream and could feel anxious sensations right away. Working with new morning routine. Walking meditaiton while making coffee. A mindful quiet coffee drinking time: eyes closed noting lifting, sipping, tasting, swallowing, placing, warmth, etc. I am really enjoying this. I find it really pleasant and relaxing and is a nice warm up to a more formal sitting.

Lots of stuff that seemed mostly DN. Tension in stomach area seemed to be source of anxiety. Stiffness and pain in neck area, itching. Investigated these sensation and really explored them in a new way. Felt like I was going deeper into them than anytime previously. Seeing various sensations within them, exploring depths and boundaries. Seemed to move into a low-EQ state but seemed borderline. Third eye sensation seemed to be light. There is this feeling of choppy vibration starting to emerge that seems associated with this sensation. Thought I was scripting this at first but seems to keep happening.

I am curious about this recent experience. As some work has become more intense it seems to correlate to a back-sliding. Is it easier to back-slide during bouts of off-cushion stress. Aiming to try to incorporate as much sitting as possible this week. Try to squeeze in mini-sits, walking mediation, whatever.

5.21.2013

1 hour

Had an anxious night tossing and turning. Did some bystander noting in the middle of the night to help get back to sleep. I feel like more bystander work will help because it works really well for me when experience intense emotions.

Started sit from that place of anxiety. . Noted back and forth between fear thoughts and tension in solar plexus. Tension in upper back. Slowly sensations shifted to tension in jaw, middle of face behind hose, and third eye. Third eye area felt more like a headache with some pulsing and vibrating. Overall mind state seemed calm by the end of sit.

Overall, these last week or so has left me a little confused. Took a noticeable dip early last week and seem to be hanging around with dark night sensations and emotions. I notice that during these times I sometimes forget the basics, get easily confused, etc. Any thoughts, comments, suggestions would be gratefully accepted.

Hi Dan. Can't say much about how to deal with the emotional stuff, but regarding those unpleasant sensations I've found useful to:

* drop the eyelids and chin altogether. Your mouth would be slightly open (if you care about the energy circuit, you could gently tap the soft palate (just above the central incisors) with you tongue). With those releases, both the jaw tension and the throat discomfort could diminished significantly.

* keep the eye sight parallel to the ground (don't look to the ground) and see whether staring to a distant place or just an inch away works best for you (in my case the later). Not looking downwards should put a stop to emotional stuff or at least lessen it (NPL 101). In my experience, it feels like concentrating in the third eye but with no strain, and yet I can keep with the noting practice.

Let me know if this helps, and of any variation of it that you eventually found useful.

thank you Pablo. I am going to give your suggestions a try.

Been meditating mostly 1 hour per day, except yesterday. Weekends have been my weak spot of late. Really busy Fri and Sat, and then exhaustion on Sun. Goal was to maintain momentum during these 3 days and prioritize sits. Did ok. Sat 1 hour Fri and Today and 20 mins Sat. Pleased with this. Will try to add some more time today.

Some other notes from week. Lots of off-cushion sensations grabbing my attention. A few days this week pleasant tingling on crown during work day. Very noticeable and pleasant. Third eye pressure and pulsing off and on. Upper lip intensely vibrating at times.


5.26.2013

1 hour

30 minutes concentration
30 minutes insight

Mind was foggy. concentration was decent at the beginning but mind began to wander the last 15 minutes.

Insight: Sharp pain in the back. Tension in jaw. 3rd eye pressure and pulsing. Mind was wandering frequently. Overall feel tired and groggy which is common for a Sunday morning these days.


Dream last night: Became lucid and started being mindful immediately upon recognizing it as a dream. In the past, once I would become mindful in a dream, the dream would immediately dissolve. This time I was able to play with it a little bit. I would be mindful, begin to feel dream dissolve, back off mindfulness and maintain dream state. Did this back and forth for a while. Real interesting. Had a fun playful quality to it. Sometimes other mindfulness dreams, where the dream state dissolves into tiny particles can have a fear state associated with them.

5.28.2013

Started and ended meditation with a bow and expressed gratitude for the opportunity to practice. I aim to incorporate this mini-ritual into my sits as I feel gratitude as a way of helping me feel at ease and open

50 min sit
Time went by really quickly. 15-20 minutes of concentration practice. Counting breaths. Switched to insight practice. Quickly got to a deep, relaxed, calm space. Played with awareness a little. At times tried to be aware of whole body as there seemed to be a vibration/tingling that was apparent throughout. By shifting to whole body, got more and more relaxed. As I got more relaxed and able to be aware of entire body, 3rd eye pulsing began. Not sure if this is a good approach. Still noting during this time but not as intensely. A slower rhythm.

6.3.2013

1:30+ yesterday
1 hour this morning

In general, been maintaining practice pretty well. 1 hour per day with some exceptions, mainly friday and saturday (my goal on these days is to just do what I can).

Seem to be getting to a calm and relaxed place each sit with very active 3rd eye area predominating along with jaw tension. Having greater awareness of this overall pattern of a back and forth, periods of calm lasting several weeks and then dips into intense frustration, irritation and negativity. Seem to be able to note things like sleepy, irritated, happy, calm, i.e. mind states. Feelings of boredom and daydreaming seem to predominate.

Been steadily practicing. Mostly 1 hour in the am and working to increase mindfulness throughout the day.

I feel my perspective is starting to shift a little bit. I feel more open to experience. More interested in investigation rather than reflection. Things seem to be noticeably less sticky. There continually seems to be this experience of thinking that I have been including all phenomena and then realizing/noticing I haven't been. Like my mind is trying to hide stuff and my persistence will eventually expose it.

Regarding practice. 3rd eye area still really active and becomes predominant sensation. Used to be perceived as pressure now it is more of a vibration. Sometimes corresponds to some visual, sensation and visual at same &quot;beat&quot; or Hz. That comes and goes. Jaw still really tight but seems to become vibratory as well towards end of sits. Some aches and pains but nothing consistent. Some itches have arose recently but even they get broken down to various sensations that include vibrations, tension, heat, etc. I did have one itch the other day that came on so fast and so strong that I got jolted and let out some gasp or something. Made me laugh but was also like, holy shit, what the hell was that? thought is was an insect at first but definitely was not.

Been wondering lately whether journaling is a hindrance. Not sure if anyone else has felt or feels this way. I have not been seeing how it helps only seeing how it hinders which is probably why I have backed off some.

Any comments, encouragement, critiques welcome.