Dan's Practice Journal

4.5.2013

5:50 - 7:10 am

Noticed this morning, at the beginning of the sit, these rapid changes of states. Could not distinguish order, tried half-heartedly for a little bit and then just noted as I felt it didn't really matter. Just an intellectual curiosity. For most of the sit, from the neck down the body was just tingling. Kind of neutral. buzzing. Above the neck was where most of my attention was being brought. tensions in the jaw, forehead. periodic tingling on top of the head which was generally pleasant. Kept fading in and out of noting technique. not intentionally. But realized this sit, that noting really changes things. Tension in forehead manifested in a headache. Did not have a headache before sitting, don't have one after sitting. But was clearly experience a classic headache during sitting. Had a rockin' headache yesterday afternoon, so thought it was related.

4.7.2013

Yesterday, sate for a few minutes before children woke. This is possibly the last Saturday to sit as market season is starting and saturday mornings will be busy.

Today:
5:45 - 7:00 am

Aimed to sit longer but was really tired this morning. Have been cutting into sleep for the past two weeks getting only 6 hours or so to try to squeeze in some sitting time. Surprisingly been ok with it. Not feeling all that tired during the day. Been working hard as the season ramps up so am physically tired and usually ready to close my eyes by 9pm. Anyway, today's sit I worked on concentration for the first 15 minutes or so. Felt like I could notice cycling in the background. Not sure about this but experience itching, thoughts of fear, forehead pulsing, blissful tinglings, all in the background. Interesting. The concentration practice really seemed to ramp up the 3rd eye pressure as was really prominent at the beginning of insight practice. Most activity above the shoulders. stiffness in neck, third eye pressure, pulsing, vibrating. Contraction inside head above roof of mouth behind eyes. Really strong this time, almost painful. 3rd eye was really strong almost causing a headache. Some visuals throughout sit. Some brightness and some swirling. Not really sure what is going on. I do feel that concentrate at the beginning of the sit does help.

9:50 - 10:55 am
Sat at the UU church during the service. Seemed to pick up where I left off at home. My expectations for the sit were not high. Feeling really tired and unmotivated. Again, shoulders down a buzzing sensation that just hangs out in the background with some stiffness in the knees here or there, and perhaps an itch. Otherwise, 95% of my attention is in the head region. Third eye area active right away. Had to note out loud several times as I was starting to zone out. Such a helpful tool for getting back on track. 3rd eye area was very dynamic. Pressure, tension, pulsing vibrating. towards the end of the sit some crown tingling and less intensity in the 3rd eye region some anticipation and much more engaged in the sit. Less daydreaming.

After the sit, felt as if there was an opening from the middle of the brain to the nose/nostrils. kind of weird.

4.8.2013

5:50 - 6:50 am

Hard to concentrate. Overcome by to-do list early in sit. Focusing and noting the sensations created by thinking of the to-do list got me on track. Hearing was especially vibratory. Some 3rd eye sensations present but not strong.

Next Time by Mary Oliver

Next time what I'd do is look at
the earth before saying anything. I'd stop
just before going into a house
and be an emperor for a minute
and listen better to the wind
or to the air being still.

When anyone talked to me, whether
blame or praise or just passing time,
I'd watch the face, how the mouth
has to work, and see any strain, any
sign of what lifted the voice.

And for all, I'd know more -- the earth
bracing itself and soaring, the air
finding every leaf and feather over
forest and water, and for every person
the body glowing inside the clothes
like a light.

Interesting phenomena that you're describing. Sounds like progress.

How's motivation these days?

When you see all those vibrations and third eye tensions and similar fireworks, what's the mental reaction to it? Do you note it as it happens? Do you notice any physical manifestation of that reaction? And a reaction to it? (e.g. sudden noise --> fear --> adrenaline rush --> will to refocus, or third eye tension --> anticipation --> faster heartbeat --> frustration, etc)

While you're on the cushion, do you observe thoughts about practice itself?

Motivation is pretty high. Been getting up early to sit (4:30 am) which in itself is a sign of high motivation for me. Desire to sit more. Wishing I could go on retreat. Last week I felt like motivation was low, practice was starting to seem boring, and concentration was starting to go in the tank. Started to do concentration at the beginning the sits again and it seems to make a big difference. I feel like I am doing a solid job in noting deeper layers to what is happening. Been noting anticipation, desire for stream entry, desire for progress, boredom, laziness. It is almost like the body is making me notice those things. There is so little pain or discomfort, so little pleasurable sensation, that my body is doing me a favor and making notice more subtle things. I realized that I was giving third eye area and crown sensation special status. Ron instructed me to focus on the third eye area but there seems to be a balance needed. Not sure about this and been experimenting.

It is funny. I have been having been observing lots of thoughts about practice and the journaling of it! I think, partly, is because I forget so much of what happens that in some way I am trying to remember it so I can journal. Starting to be more aware of this.

Thanks for checking in. I have found your questions to be consistently helpful.

4.11.2013

6:20 -7:10 am

Poor concentration. Felt really distracted this morning, thinking of a lot to-do stuff. Having a strong desire for a retreat, even if for a day. Not sure if I can make this happen but will try.

Sleep seems to have caught up with me the past few days as I have slept through my alarm. Will try to get to bed early and try again.

4.12.2013

5:45 - 7:00 am

Started with 15 mins of concentration practice. Counting breaths. Started with insight and could see progression through nanas. Seemed much clearer and just let go of any doubts and ideas regarding scripting. Was trusting the process more, or so it felt. Progression seemed to move rather quickly and was soon aware of strong sensations at 3rd eye. Lots of pressure pulsing and vibration. Seemed very difficult to maintain concentration on this area. took a break from insight and did concentration practice for a few minutes and then back to insight. finished with 10 minutes of metta.

4.13.2013

8:20 - 9:20 am

Interesting sit this morning. Not normal sitting time. Had to work early and help getting everyone out of the house and to market and so sat afterward. Sit started as any other sit recently. But built to more subtlety. First time that I was really into noting subtle mind states. There was some joy in it. Noted all sorts of desires and aversions but regardless of whether it was pleasant or unpleasant there was joy in noticing it. In my last conversation with Ron, he mentioned how the fears and doubts are just Mara coming and doing "his" thing. There were a few moments of building anticipation. Lots of thoughts about stream entry and mapping. One intense moment of two flashes of bright light that kind of startled me and got the heart racing. Build of pressure in the center of my head. Have felt this before but significant increase. I really was able to focus on this for a while, it was really engaging. At times things were really vibratory. Had a pain and an itch that were just sizzling along with hearing and some visuals that seemed vibratory as well.

Things are certainly moving Dan, its great that you are keeping up practice in the midst of a busy family and work life. Admiration. <!-- s:) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt="" title="Smile" /><!-- s:) -->

Thanks Rod. These encouraging words are very timely. Had a really rough day off the cushion yesterday, which I will post about below.

soon after yeserday's morning sit, got some big fear move through. almost had to excuse myself from a conversation as I started to lose my train of thought and almost started to panic. It just came on out of the blue and so strong I almost got overwhelmed by it.

Trying to get kids to bed. Everybody is exhausted and uncooperative and I am starting to get really annoyed and angry. Thus, my wife is starting to get really annoyed and angry with me. When I finally laid down for bed I am hit with this misery that is difficult to describe. It was like I was only seeing the world as a totally awful, dark place. Scary and suffocating.

As I type this up the next morning, I still feel tremendous sadness, frustration, unworthiness and self judgement. Exhausted from last night I missed my window to sit and already hear baby crying in the other room. Got mixed feelings about sitting. It has been these moments in the past that motivate me to sit but I feel like sitting is such a selfish thing to do when the to-do list is a mile long, the house is a mess, and behind on work tasks. Busy day ahead and not likely to be able to head to the church for my weekly group sit. Woe is me. Oh, woe is me! I try to remind myself that these are first world worrys and complaints. Will work to co-opt my &quot;enemies&quot; today. Try to sneak in a metta sit.

Metta sounds like a good thing to do.
It also helps to rationally know that this is just a fleeting state of mind that will pass away, as everything else.
Also, it always struck me as interesting how illuminating Witness practice can be in the face of very strong emotions. See how it panics. See how it freaks out. See how it despairs. See how it suffocates. I found it much easier than noting to sustain off the cushion in those situations.
Sitting is just part of the practice. When life gets in the way of sitting, practicing a technique appropriate to the moment while still attending to your business can be a very skillful means to cope. I'm not a father, but I imagine metta and putting your baby to sleep can go hand in hand. Noting and driving or walking down the street. Witness and doing [u:240tcxuq]routine[/u:240tcxuq] tasks in the office or at home. Body awareness and working out. Not doing any practice while talking to people or engaging in intellectual tasks. And taking good conscious care of the specifics of your life, obviously.

thanks Nick. I have been practicing the bystander technique recently and totally agree you regarding strong emotions. it seems to be a really great tool. I mentioned to Ron that I was using the bystander and he mentioned that it was similar to witness but not quite the same. Could you, or anyone else who may be reading, explain the difference?

From Nik Halay's practice log (2010-06-15):
[quote:1t8o1ehx]... I started dwelling in the Witness. The focus being the feeling of &quot;I am-ness&quot;, centered directly from
behind the crown down through the head through the back half of it. The focus is looking towards the eyelids. Definite centering effect on the body as opposed to the Bystander which has a more 2 sides feel to it, the observer and the observed. But the Witness is very much both the observer and observed as one[/quote:1t8o1ehx]

Yeah, I was trying to direct you to a Witness (2nd gear) practice but speaking in the language of the Bystander (a 1st gear practice) which is easier to express. I think the Bystander noting is a great way to start moving towards a 2nd gear practice, which is more wordless. If you are already familiar with Witness type practice, where the observed (the small self) takes less mental real estate than the observer (&quot;true self&quot; or whatever name you want to give to this which is not more than yet another selfless mental process), go for it.

Metta.

EDIT: Adding some references:
<!-- m --><a class="postlink" href=" thehamiltonproject.blogspot.co.uk/2011/0...olbox-bystander.html ">http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.co.u ... ander.html
<!-- m --><a class="postlink" href=" thehamiltonproject.blogspot.co.uk/2011/0...-jhanic-arc-via.html ">http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.co.u ... c-via.html

awesome. thanks!

4.14.2013

5:55 - 6:40 am

Felt like I was moving through the nanas and then when I got to equanimity it seemed like I lost focus. More physical pain noticed than normal. Tension was beginning to build behind eyes. Feel pretty tired.

Off cushion: moved through rough feelings of Saturday. Starting to notice more off the cushion sensations. Not sure. Will have moments of blissful tingling up spine and crown. Will sometimes just stop what I am doing and enjoy. Sometimes really dark stuff like I experienced the other day. Or sometimes intense 3rd eye pressure and pulsing. All of this is happening during the day often while I am actively working on a task. I have been trying to see a pattern but I am usually working and can't keep track of the pattern.

Is this phenomena cycling? Has this been happening all along and I am now just noticing it? Any thoughts would be appreciated. What is nice is that these sensations are strong enough to engage me in the present moment and start noting. It is almost like the practice has a life of its own.

4.16.2013

7:30 - 8:15 am

Started with concentration. Difficult but seems to notice movement through nanas in the background. Not sure about this but there is something going on in the background. Once started insight really noticed progression, seems to becoming more clear. Less doubt about scripting. Noted lots of mind states both pleasant and unpleasant. Still seems to be difficult to stay with 3rd eye area for any length of time.

3 days in a row now with very little practice. Work is becoming much more physically demanding, and starting to sleep through my alarm. Now three days in a row.

Do you think it'd be useful (i.e. it would stick) to make a resolution to never let a day pass without having practiced for at least (say) 15 minutes? Even taking a creative approach to what you call &quot;practice&quot; so you don't need to limit yourself to sitting.

In my own practice, at a point, I resolved to sit for a minimum time per day, and later made another resolution increasing it. When I stopped missing days, it made a big difference in my progress. I kept getting stuck at some stages, but never backslid again.

Great idea and great perspective. I imagine then that you found those 15 minutes during your lunch productive? I think I have had an assumption (albeit unaware) that less than 30 minutes is a waste of time. Probably should ditch that assumption, huh? I started to think that I can do a 15 minute walking meditation at least once a day, maybe twice.

btw, thanks for sharing and journaling your experience. It has been very helpful to me. I am happy for you and your successes.

with metta,
Dan

I'm glad that you found my journal helpful.

To answer your question, here are a few things I found (sorry if some are too obvious, but might be better to have it written):
- Days with no practice at all are the biggest drag of all to progress. Bigger than aversion, tiredness, and stresses of life.
- 15 minutes a day is better than nothing (i.e. not a waste of time).
- 2x15 minutes a day is better than 1x15 minutes.
- 1x30 minutes a day is better than 2x15 minutes.
- 15 minutes walking at home, secluded, is better than 15 minutes walking down the street.
- Adding a 15-minute sit on top of what you are already doing, is better than not adding it (for me, it was the lunchtime sit)
- The more you meditate per day, the faster you progress. The only limit to this rule is burnout.
- 15 minutes of wholehearted meditation while walking down the street can be better than a 1-hour half-arsed sit at home. Examples of states that have come up within 15 minutes while walking down (and crossing) streets at various stages of my practice include 1J and 2J (samatha), mild A&amp;P events, natural transitions to Witness mode, and experiences of &quot;in the seeing only the seen&quot;.

While I agree with you on the momentum aspect. I disagree with more practice = faster progress. Is really about quality practice and not hours and hours on the cushion. I have never gone longer than 45 minutes at a time ever, maybe a little bit more than that once or twice. Is all about consistent, QUALITY practice. You can sit all day long in la-la land and progress will stagnate or just never happen.

Thanks for the input guys.

I'll admit I have some hangups regarding amount of daily practice. It is greatly influenced by the Goenka tradition where I heard (not sure it this is what was explicitly said) that gains were made on retreat and &quot;cutting edge&quot; was at best maintained with 2 hours of daily practice. I wore this hang-up for a decade. Even though this did not reflect my experience, I thought, who am I to question this?

Obviously, what folks report here is drastically different. Which has been very empowering.

The other thing that I am forced to explore is how my daily practice fits into my ever changing life. My work is far from static in its hours (no consistent daily schedule, and changes significantly regarding season), and my children are not static objects (sleep patterns changing, etc). what this means is that I have to constantly looking at different ways of incorporating practice into my daily life. This is, for whatever reason, easier said than done. Sometimes it seems like no big deal, sometimes I have grief about it.

Again, thanks for checking in. Checking in with others (either reading about others' practice, sharing mine, or receiving direct feedback) has been most empowering of all.