It's A Householder's Life

Tom Otvos wrote: Okay, I'll bite on that one because, while I presume that was a somewhat tongue-in-cheek comment, for me stream entry continues to be defined by the experience of a cessation moment. I only say that because that is what I am continually stuck on, and what my frustration over lack of continuity stems from.

Rightly, or wrongly.

Or neither, or both, or whatever

SE is defined differently in different traditions, and even by different teachers within the same tradition. That wasn't really my point, though. The reason I found Kate's quote to be a nice, concise definition of SE is that (in my understanding, anyway) it's something irreversible. You don't attain SE and then lose it. It "sticks with you."

It's easy to get hung up on SE because everyone makes it out to be such a big deal. It is, and it isn't. Whether or not one has experienced cessation does little to define the broader practice, which is to balance effort and letting go as best you can. I know that sounds infuriatingly simplistic, but it doesn't make it any less true.

What I write tends to be impressionistic, non-technical, and related only tangentially to the DI/KFD approach-- so I remain unsure what use others can make of it. That said, I'm going to go into my own experience more than I usually do, in the interest of illustrating Jackson's point about the 'varieties of religious experience.'

The summary, irreversible insight happened for me after pursuing the practice taught by a local teacher who had been "somebody" in the Adi Da community for 20 years and then left. I practiced with his group for just under 3 months [before the event]; the practice was called 'gazing' and I would describe it now as essentially making another person's face a kasina object. A 'teacher-transmitter' sat at the front of the room staring at the 'aspirants' in turn. A discussion of the participants' experiences followed.

A rationale for how all this 'works' was laid out in the founding teacher's book-- and I found at least some of it rather questionable even at the time. What kept me involved was being included in the communicable excitement of the group, and the rare opportunity to discuss these subjects in great, frequent, personal detail. I formed tight bonds to a couple of the teachers, who were strongly encouraging of my progress.

So this involvement really focalized all the dormant curiosity, intention, and insights I'd set aside 15 years before, when raising a family became ALL I could do, day to day. But 'the event' happened when I was home alone, a couple of days before Thanksgiving, with a cold coming on. For whatever reason, I added brandy to my hot lemon-water cold remedy, and sat reading a book of Rumi and getting progressively more loopy. When I got to the one that starts "If the Friend rose inside you, Would you bow?" it was as if 'the Nature of Mind' was shouting at me: WOULD YOU? YES, I MEAN YOU! All my defenses/excuses/expectations/confusions just collapsed and vanished. I looked around the messy room, at my book, at my cup of brandy brew, out the window at the gray sky and the telephone wires and the neighbor's roof-- and it WAS "the Friend"; it was the heartbreaking intimate face of Reality.

And there was no way NOT to "bow," believe me! It was a dimension of "miracle and wonder" that I suddenly knew was never absent, like the aura of the ordinary world that I'd never learned to see. The set and setting gave it the opportunity to just flaunt itself. I kinda giggled and stuttered to myself for quite awhile. Eventually I reeled down the hall to bed-- all the while aware that, drunk as I was, something was as sober as the mind of God. That something was palpably awake all night while I slept; in the morning, it reported that "the Kundalini plumbers are undertaking extensive renovations." I could tune into that sensation for some time-- a couple of years?-- afterwards. It was something doing itself; I did research to try to get a handle on it after the fact.

Probably more of a yarn here than I meant; but I have a few points to make. 1) Effective specific methods are probably well-nigh infinite; 2) but there seem to be common principles, like focus, persistence, encouragement, curiosity, openness; 3) the sense that the "event" is more like the collapse of denial than the accomplishment of a goal seems a common report; and-- importantly-- there are emotions involved!

Kate Gowen wrote: ... but I have a few points to make. 1) Effective specific methods are probably well-nigh infinite; 2) but there seem to be common principles, like focus, persistence, encouragement, curiosity, openness; 3) the sense that the "event" is more like the collapse of denial than the accomplishment of a goal seems a common report; and-- importantly-- there are emotions involved!

_/|\_

Aww, geez, guys-- thank y'all so much; you're very kind.

Tom, wrt "I am grasping for ways to keep that focus and persistence in a very hectic lifestyle," I have a modest re-framing suggestion: you could consider seeing if that focus and persistence isn't already kind of tugging on your sleeve, and all you have to do is be willing to count the little, momentary remembrances as symptoms that something IS happening, is offering itself to you. Maybe there's a lot less that you need to do than you think.

I can't remember who or when I was told about the 'prayer of remembrance' but at some point, I understood that when it takes hold, it's more like the cyclical recollection of the person you're in love with, than the determined obligation to do something: you don't have to try to remember-- how could you forget?!

Every little blip of remembering any moment of meditative equipoise is pushing you to understanding how much you are in love with it. That, I submit, is "momentum."

The equation is that the *goal* of "time on the cushion" is the recollection-- if it offers itself to you, it's ungracious to say, "Oh, no thanks; I'll come looking for you later."

I hope I'm not being too horribly repetitious, but I really do think that what I've called "denial" is a great unremarked obstacle. We are so very resistant to being granted grace unless it looks like the movies or someone "authoritative" gives us permission; we are suspicious of easy.

One of my sources of hilarity on the day was what I described as understanding that "this ‘nothing’ was not some romantic, mystical, soft-focus, accompanied-by-swelling-strings Nothing! It was the same old, same old, pedestrian, everyday nothing that had been there all along!

I’d just misunderestimated it. I’d just thought the Old Masters had a more high-powered, state-of-the-art Nothing than mine."

So exciting! Here's Ram Das making the point better than me: "every method, even meditation, can become a trap; the trick is to employ the method in the hope that it will self-destruct in time..."

Tom Otvos wrote: Dog walking, because of the constant interruption, is not textbook walking meditation, but it does present its own opportunities. Like noticing the frustration when we are walking along and suddenly my lab hits the brakes to sniff something out. I get really annoyed with this..."this is your exercise time, Arwen, keep walking!"...but I am now trying to see her point of view, and the fact that I am frustrated because it interrupts me and what I am trying to get out of the walk.

.

Dude. *amazing practice* here, seriously, this is the stuff! I can honestly say that this particular practice and other similar ones in daily life have produced the transformations in my way of being that I and others value most. This can go very very deep, Tom. This is absolute gold.

People get so fuckin carried away with this state and that state... sitting for this many or that many hours... and okay, those things have their place, for sure. But the insightful approach to everyday life situations you are describing here is profoundly transformative. This is literally the heart of practice in so many ways. I wouldn't be surprised if you start to discover a surprising wealth of situations which offer profound teaching to you now on a regular basis... the path is everywhere, when you are ready to walk it. And it sounds like you are ready!

Great posts! Life itself really is a practice, every moment is a chance to wake up a bit, to see where our attention is. I find myself noticing all of the fear and irritation that comes up in my body and mind throughout the day, and the more I notice it, the more I accept it and see it for what it is. It seems as though I'm starting to reflexively smile at unpleasant mind states. When irritation and anger arise, I notice it, and then a smile appears on my face. It's almost as if my body is wringing out the bad stuff. Seems kind of silly and simple, but it's truly joyful. I was going to post an article I found on Tricycle a while back but just discovered that it is now member only content, however it was an interview with Sayadaw U Tejaniya and I think he spoke about monitoring your mind states throughout the day with less emphasis on formal sitting practice.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sayadaw_U_Tejaniya

Hey Christopher, Sayadaw U Tejaniya is da' Man!

My practice finally took off after reading his books and following his meditation instructions:

sayadawutejaniya.org/wp-content/uploads/...titude_23_points.pdf

Even now, I should have these instructions tattooed onto my forehead. His website is the first external link listed at the bottom of his Wikipedia page. Also, on this page:

sayadawutejaniya.org/teachings/

you can find some free e-books of his as well as a Tricycle interview - which may be the one you remember.

I really wanted to go to Sayadaw U Tejaniya's place when I went to Burma last year, but unfortunately he wasn't going to be there at the time... it seems a more relaxed approach from most of the Mahasi lineage teachers, and I've heard various stories about Shwe Oo Min Sayadaw's (who was his teacher) amazing presence, or rather complete lack thereof.

One of the things I have been trying to work out over time with this kind of 'try not to strive and thus make the mind wholesome' approach, though, is that I find myself trying really hard not to try really hard - it's like I'm trying to trick the mind into not wanting results/progress/whatever, but actually whether it wants that (and it does) is not under my control or subject to the will. I keep thinking there must be some way that, instead of trying not to desire, I can tantrically harness the power of that desire (and maybe even use it in spite of itself)

every3rdthought wrote: One of the things I have been trying to work out over time with this kind of 'try not to strive and thus make the mind wholesome' approach, though, is that I find myself trying really hard not to try really hard - it's like I'm trying to trick the mind into not wanting results/progress/whatever, but actually whether it wants that (and it does) is not under my control or subject to the will. I keep thinking there must be some way that, instead of trying not to desire, I can tantrically harness the power of that desire (and maybe even use it in spite of itself)

The "trick" in a sense is to notice that that impulse, those desires, are thoughts. Thoughts which arise and pass away, impermanent, having the same empty nature as all phenomena. This applies also to the sense of will - the wanting to do something, wanting to find a trick... and endlessly on - these are also thoughts. Every thought, no matter what it's content, is fundamentally the same. If you "apply your practice" to those impulses and reactions and feelings - not just on cushion but also during the day - then you have a very good "trick" for seeing through things.

Off the cushion, one can use a verbal reminder each time one becomes aware of a thought like that such as naming the thought "desire, planning, grasping, practice thought" or similar. Or one can state an intention as a reminder: "remember that all thoughts arise and pass away spontaneously..." etc

Taking your practice into every aspect of your mental activity and daily life is where real progress gets made, once you are beyond the basic levels of needing to learn to pay attention a bit.

every3rdthought wrote: One of the things I have been trying to work out over time with this kind of 'try not to strive and thus make the mind wholesome' approach, though, is that I find myself trying really hard not to try really hard - it's like I'm trying to trick the mind into not wanting results/progress/whatever, but actually whether it wants that (and it does) is not under my control or subject to the will. I keep thinking there must be some way that, instead of trying not to desire, I can tantrically harness the power of that desire (and maybe even use it in spite of itself)

What Ona said.
The beauty of U Tejaniya's approach isn't in trying not to try, it's simply in allowing attention to go where it will. It facilitates the development of a more comprehensive awareness. One can still note, even though he doesn't teach the use of noting as far as I know. The ambition for progress is satisfied just by doing our best to be present with what is arising, on or off the cushion. We just need to show up with our intention in other words, the universe takes care of the rest.

I was struck by this thread, and it motivated me to join the network since each day always presents its many challenges, and I can relate.

All of the above has been so well said, the only idea I had to add to Tom's noticing is to balance the paramis or the qualities of awakening... doing that created fertile ground, it always helps anyways, no matter what, and I continue to do this each day.

with peace, Constance

"I felt it the right thing to do, to try and feel these passing moments as completely as possible. I noticed, and more importantly, I remembered to notice. "



"A change of scene would sure be great
The thought is nice to contemplate
But the question begs why would you wait
And be late for your life"

Go householders!!!

Wow what a fantastic thread! Just made me realise that I should be grateful for being unemployed back in 2019 during my one on one 6 months work with Kenneth Folk and having the house to myself during most of these days. I did 2-3 sits daily. 45-60 min sits. 

Ought to buy my utterly understanding and loving partner a proper gift (she loves travelling). 

Back in my early days of meditation I was a sales man and my shop would not open until 10h. Being without kids back then, it was easy to get up a bit earlier and after the dog walk sit down and meditate 30-45 minutes. Daily. 

This was also my A&P faze which lasted some time. Well my practice back then was concentration and calm abiding based. Lots of enjoying at being a “great meditator” (we all know that annoying faze). 

Later DN happened. I showed the middle finger to my boss! Sold the city apartment and bought a crap old house in the country side that still needs lots of work and money to be fixed. During all this I managed to get a kid and divorce from my wife who still to this day is my partner in life (she really loves me and I’m such a jerk). 

I doubt I would have made any progress in such deep Dark Night without having KF “holding my hand” and me being unemployed, free to sit during the time of the day I felt was most alert for me. A real luxury! I ought to be grateful! Now seeing how people struggle to find time and I certainly can understand. 

Any way I ended up writing too much and only wanted to say what a great thread , affecting so many householders. 

BTW, im not suggesting to be unemployed unless one can afford it (good savings or an utterly understanding parter with good income). 

Best wishes to all beings. May we all find freedom from suffering.