General Practice Updates

Thanks, man. That's really kind.

This is probably the lamest problem someone could have, (going back to the practice updates theme of this thread), but this morning I really, really wanted to be angry with a friend, and I just couldn't. Like I could make this half-hearted effort, but it was too much bother to really go anywhere with it, and it just kept fading away again. It was frustrating, but I couldn't even be frustrated. I just ended up laughing at myself. So now I'm having this damn day where I wish I could be unsatisfied and frustrated and sullen, but I can't. Which is just paradoxical and weird and at the same time perfectly fine. Damn equanimity. Well, I'm sure there will be other opportunities when I'm less stuck in equanimity.

I've had similar experiences where I just wanted to feel sad about something, but couldn't. It was usually in a context when I would normally feel sad, or maybe where I thought that it would be expected of me to feel sad. It's a little confusing, and it can definitely be humorous, as it was in your case. I'm not saying I don't feel sad ever, or anything even close to that. Just that sometimes a different perspective is taken, involuntarily, and it's somewhat surprising, if not starling. What's surprising about it, actually, is that there appears to be an openness where the sadness would normally show up. If a closed-off feeling is in its place, I know that I need to open. But if I'm open, and it doesn't show up... meh

Glad I'm not the only one. That's a nice way to put it "sometimes a different perspective is taken, involuntarily, and it's somewhat surprising"... Thanks.

My wife the Christian mystic often wonders if she is "selfish" because there are so many instances in which she doesn't feel sad or bad about certain things -- things that the general culture consider to be sad or upsetting.

Did you see the "moral outrage" thread? sort of touches on some of this stuff, too.

@jackson... your comment woke up with me this morning..."I thought that it would be expected of me to feel..." and I realized I have a whole slew of habitual morning thoughts that I just sort of figure I should have each morning, because that's how it's been for decades. There are layers of expectations of how one is "supposed" to feel and act in certain circumstances. But sometimes none of them are really relevant or necessary. How nice. Thanks for that.

Well today has provided some very entertaining tangents on this forum!

Back in the real world my husband and I will
spend tomorrow at a day long meditation at a local Theravada center. I
have meditated once with this group last year, and they are a nice bunch
of down-to-earth people, but they don't have a resident teacher
(someone or other comes through once or twice a year, and in between the
more advanced students do the talks and lead the meditations). Last time I was there I was having some really severe stomach pain (psychological/spiritual thing, not an illness) and spent the whole teaching session doing visualizations to avoid throwing up; and then got the giggles really bad during the meditation part... We'll see how tomorrow goes. I so rarely meditate in groups. I'll
post a report when I return.

Mini-retreat report, in case it interests anyone. I rarely meditate in groups and when I have sat more than once a day it tends to be in scattered 30 minute increments, not a long session. I realized I don't actually have much endurance for these sorts of lengthy sittings. I realized that kind of physical ability is a skill in itself. I also realized how much I am not a Buddhist, although Buddhist methods and concepts have deeply informed my practice:

The format was long sessions of rather undirected meditation, and we were free to go outside and walk or go outside and sit by ourselves if we didn't wish to remain in the main room with the group.

First 1/2 hour - great, easy, bliss, peace, caught up in the novelty of experience in a new context. Then legs started hurting, but kept same attention while switching up legs every once in a while. 2nd half hour dominated by emptiness, peace, contentment.

Lunch; then 90 minute sit. First 30 minutes stomach uncomfortable with food in it, even tho I ate lightly. Then I started falling asleep from lunch, so I just decided to let myself sleep for 30 minutes (I was up at 4am this morning). I am pretty good at sleeping anywhere, so I just sat properly and slept. Then I woke up and went outside and did walking meditation and sat on a breezy bench for a while to give my legs a break. Then I went back in and did 30 more minutes on the cushion - really sharp attention, "good" meditation in that sense. When I sat back there, I used my pointer "what is true now" to make sure I was focused on the moment, and for the first time I experienced that being an utterly irrelevant question. "Now" seemed utterly inapplicable. Not sure "true" was relevant either. I had a kind of chill experiencing that. It seemed amazing.

Then there was a break for coffee and cake, and then another hour. During that hour my legs were starting to hurt more and more and my concentration was flagging a bit. I paid attention and noticed I was seeking something (release from discomfort), but seeking was not necessary. I looked for who was seeking and paid attention to little knots of tension in my body and mind, and saw that they were empty. Opening to them opened up a sort of gentle joy and bliss. Quite mild. Towards the end I was really having a lot of physical discomfort in my body and I had to pee, too. But I decided not to get up but just keep paying attention to the whole, allowing those discomforts to be there. They constantly dissolved and returned.

At the end they finally did a teaching session - the guy was really quite good, actually. A young guy but so in love with practice and teaching, you could feel his enthusiasm, and he was quite good at explaining stuff and would start out simple but go deeper into concepts like no self, no time, suffering and so on. It was all in Portuguese, so that took a lot of attention to follow.

Nice group of people, and nice discussion at end, with a very egalitarian sharing of experiences and ideas.

Ideally I would have preferred that each session of meditation be opened with a short teaching, rather than having all the teaching at the end of the day.

ETA: I forgot, for the last 15 minutes there was one instruction: to do metta practice. For the life of me I could find nothing. I often enough pray for others or do metta-type practices, generating a sense of love in the heart and visualizing it radiating out to others, for example. I just had nothing in me. All I could do was sit and stare off into the middle distance. I recited some words for the benefit of others to myself, figuring that helps a bit at least. Maybe I was just exhausted by that point.

I meant to mention, I was alone in my hotel room on Saturday morning, ironing my shirts, and there were a couple moments where the act of ironing seemed so incredibly beautiful that I almost wept.

Sweet.

Are you doing the yogic breathing exercises? I have the same thing going on this morning, but as a result (or at least "greased") by some kundalini/breathing stuff I've been doing for several weeks. Interesting. This morning's sit in fact was quite tumultuous and rough, not the more typical tranquil resting. A lot of tension and gripping and releasing in the shoulders and chest, and a very active thought stream, and a lot of flickers of "wanting" (as in wanting it not to be tense, probably). Maybe it's a moon cycle. Email me if you want the breathing exercises.

It sounds like a kundalini energy experience, happening spontaneously. Fun!

And when you are more clear on what's going on besides the physical/energetic, please feel free to share! I find those kind of energy experiences leave me in a temporary state of bliss, tranquility, equanimity, etc. Sometimes to the point of "nothing, no one, no words". Tends to wear off after a bit, but you can easily play with that energy by doing breath exercises in conjunction with visualizations and other simple stuff. It's a little unclear exactly how it ties in to insight and awakening and such, but there seems to be some connection (not causal, but a relationship). Alex knows more about this than I do; good person to ask if you need details.

Just to add, during my meditation practice the kundalini energy "woke up" and gradually worked its way to my head by itself, without me knowing anything about it or doing any practices to encourage it until very late in the process. Having that channel open, I now do some exercises every day, because its interesting and fun (sort of jhana like I guess - I never have been very good at jhanas). If you never had this happen before, it may be that your channel finally opened by itself, spontaneously.

Great updates, Chris. Thanks for sharing! Looking forward to hearing what comes of it all.



The practice just sort of takes on a life of its own, doesn't it?

... Separateness is a function of time in the process of perception and occurs only after the sensations. It's like experience is being edited, after it happens, by an ethereal observer.I'm not sure if this is very profound (it seems pretty obvious when I type it in here and I'm sure it does't really sound "new" to many go you, but it feels lightly different and I do see the effects all day long, as if the narration is standing out in higher relief.....

-cmarti

Interesting Chris - certainly "obvious" in the sense that it doesn't seem like a new insight of any kind, but rather a shift to a deeper clarity and recognition of existing insights? Your points about "time" and the layering of stories on experience make a lot of sense, and resonate with my own experiences. Though the specific description you give does not resonate with my own day to day at all - it does resonate with an array of things I've experienced over time. Always an adventure, eh?