MikeR's practice

July 26, 2012
50 minutes

Intention to pay attention to the breath as a primary object. However a great deal of tension arose, especially in the head. This abated somewhat over time, but remained in one form or another throughout the sit. Especially in the jaws and throat and center of the head behind the eyes. All five hindrances present and I spent very little time with the breath.

This morning I sat briefly and was able to attend the breath and let go of tension '“ but not this time.

July 27, 2012

I sat informally for about 20-30 minutes practicing anapanasati. This made me aware of how wound up I was. The tension unraveled.

Then I went out and checked on Pippin, our cat who had been on her death bed for the past day and a half. She had been laying peacefully for the most part, and my wife was soaking a wash cloth to give her water to drink. The poor old cat was deaf and blind but was still active until she lay down for good. Pippin was breathing softly so I started my breakfast. Then she started having a series of spasms with her tongue starting to protrude. I attempted to clean her nostrils so she could breath more easily, even though knowing it might be the end, and feeling helpless. Then she settled down and I stroked her neck wondering if she still liked it, or if it was annoying her. Then her breathing became almost imperceptible, and soon it ceased altogether.

I cannot detail here all the thoughts and feelings which arose (some of them decidedly un-saintly), but mostly there was sorrow at losing an old friend '“ I'd known her for 17 of her 19 years. She came with my wife. I was given to understand that it was a package deal. The first time the cat ever saw me she walked right up to me and bit me on the ankle! This inauspicious start led to my becoming her favorite person, much to my wife's dismay. Then over the years I became allergic to her and the poor thing never understood the distance I maintained, and the new rule to stay off the furniture.

Then we buried her. I wished her a fortunate rebirth '“ if there is such a thing. The rest of the day had the color of grief, with sorrow arising now and again.

continued...

continued:

Later I went for a walk. I was very sleepy but a clear and calm state of mind arose, with much equanimity and ease. I contemplated death and the mystery of existence. I contemplated some of the discussion I read today on this forum concerning the nature of reality, including whether or not we're just a part of a simulation of some kind. I kept coming back to the Buddha's simile of the arrow when these unanswerable metaphysical questions arose. This lesson even extended to questions of whether the Buddha meant one thing or another when he supposedly said this or that. This led back to present moment experience as the only arbiter of truth.

Throughout this contemplation awareness was clear, expansive, and I also kept up various self inquiry questions. Dependent origination was seen clearly, forward and backward '“ the first time I've really understood what this means. I understand this as gross, as in forms and their dispositions in time and space; and fine, the momentary cycle of the ever arising mind. Of course there is really no difference between the two but this is the conceptualization which arose. There was unbinding '“ the mundane form of nibbana as Bhante Vimalaramsi calls it '“ the absence of greed, hatred and delusion. I haven't felt this contented in many days '“ a paradoxical contrast to the helpless feelings which initiated the contemplation. I don't know what existence is, or why it is '“ nor do I understand death, but today I came even closer to understanding that I am subject to it, and the 'just like that' sense of it. The only things I know for sure are that there is no single cause for any thing or circumstance, and that there is nothing fixed in experience '“ and present moment experience is all there really is. I know all that arises is dukkha, but I've been shaky on annata lately, which is strange because this seal was the center of some of the most profound insights in the past.

July 30, 2012
60 minutes

I meditated informally for the past two days '“ while in bed before getting up for the day.

Today practicing anapanasati. The sit began with a lot of fear and agitation, but I just sank into it and let it be. The usual unpleasant tension and pressure in the head arose too, but as each sensation was carefully watched it didn't get much traction. Payed special attention to the sense that everything was happening to 'me'. What are the sensations which comprise this sense of me? These were feelings, mind states, mental images (like imagining my facial expression at the moment, or my posture).

After a while feeling tone was noted a few times and when a neutral sensation was seen (as opposed to just unpleasant ones) joy began to arise. Then it was as if a switch had been thrown and most of the previously unpleasant sensations were perceived as pleasant (or at least neutral) '“ and more joy continued to arise. There was a sense of well being in the body, even though the mind kept up with one thing after the other. Several times concentration got stronger and the mind moved toward absorption.

July 31, 2012
60 minutes

Dullness, torpor, apprehension, fear, resistance, and persistent tensions in the head. After a long time the tension was mostly confined to the center of the head behind the eyes. Here was a sense of 'me' self images, feeling tones, resistance, etc. Fear arose as this was investigated, then compassion.

Lots of mind wandering and narratives. I let this just go on for a while at one point, occasionally checking the sensation of the hands. I used the breath as a primary object and lately this has been working out better than before. This sit was fairly difficult, with lots of clinging and resistance which was hard to see. However, afterward I felt refreshed and calm. There was also some irritability before hand which is now gone.

August 1, 2012
67 minutes

This began with strong dispassion toward manipulating experience or getting anything. Mind states were a little sticky at first. Thinking was mostly subtle and fragmentary. A strong sinking feeling at one point, almost like falling asleep '“ but fully aware '“ something like consciousness 'draining away' before a hard cessation. Stayed with it and explored it and then came out of it into an easier mind state. I recalled Russell reporting a similar experience yesterday, and scripting thoughts came to mind '“ except I had neither been thinking about, nor intending to have a similar experience.

Then the question arose 'I wonder what will happen next?' This seemed to trigger a pretty strong A&P '“ there was fascination and delight with each moment of experience, and happiness. Kinda' funny, because yesterday I thought maybe I was in dissolution because of spaciness and inability to stay mindful, along with just feeling irritable. Maybe that was three characteristics (and in the first half of this sit I felt momentarily off balance '“ one of my markers of that ñana); I'll see what happens next.

August 2, 2012
64 minutes

Anapanasati. Usual anxiety and tension to begin with '“ tightness and burning tingly sensations in the head, jaws, and throat mainly. This time the tension relaxed fairly quickly. I used to think I could do this with proper attention, but lately I'm not seeing how this happens any more. I've been paying more attention to sensations in the torso/gut etc. There was a softening in the chest, and it almost seemed like the tension was all going there for a nice warm bath.

There seems to be a source of emotional reaction in the head, kind of front and center, and a sense of 'me' is strongest there, I looked at this and contrasted it with sounds and other sensations. Who looked at it? Confusion.

August 3, 2012
30 minutes
15 minutes
62 minutes

Last night while listening to Rob Burbea talk about the delusion of self-as-continuum, I realized that the present moment didn't exist '“ empty. A moment later he said the same thing. I was so stunned by the insight that I shut off the talk. There was an opening '“ spaciousness.

Investigation strong in today's sessions. Tension '“ anything unpleasant looked at very closely. Used noting more than I usually do, and this seemed to help keep on track. There's a lot of anger and aversion repeatedly arising in this mind '“ a lot of it directed toward the most trivial things. It causes a lot of the tension I've been experiencing. The sense 'me' - that awareness which seems to watch everything was investigated too. It kept breaking up and re-arising as attention sunk into it '“ very slippery. There was contentment, happiness, etc. Practiced metta near the end of the last sit.

There's been discontent with the way practice is going. I seem unconcerned that no cycling pattern is evident, and yet now I wonder if the absence of the relatively clear map of the progress of insight is causing some of the distress. I'm left with just looking at what's here, and it's throwing the desire for attainment (and any expectation really) into sharper relief.

August 4, 2012
40 minutes

Approached the sit with little or no expectation. There was quite a bit of equanimity throughout. My family is away on a visit, so I sat in the living room '“ much the quietest room in our house. It was so quite that some distress arose, but this quickly changed to happiness and contentment with having a rare opportunity to meditate in near silence.

Compassion repeatedly arose toward unpleasant sensations and thoughts '“ these were all seen as beautiful and just part of what-is-right-now. There was a willingness and ability to just be with whatever arose. A small insight: thinking about it all ain't going to fix it. Neither is having another (insert favorite mystical revelation here) experience, or whatever. Concentration, clarity, tranquility '“ all present and well developed. We'll see what happens next time...he he!