Aaron's practice notes

Hello everyone,

This is my first time posting on here, although I have lurked for quite some time. Thought I'd start posting some practice logs on here as I'm going through an increasingly difficult phase in my practice, which I have some suspicion may be the dark night, although I'm not 100% sure. ..a little backstory..

I did a 10 day Samadhi retreat at IMS with Richard Shankman right before the summer. After having an individual meeting with Richard on the 2nd day, which I told him I was feeling a lot of tingling and shaking/jerking and eyes rolling and seeing lots of colors and the occasional white light while I was sitting. He thought I was in or around the first Jhana and guided me through the following 2 Jhanas in daily meetings over the course of the following 8 days. I was sitting with intense one-pointed focus for hours and hours, feeling completely grounded and still and equanimous - nothing like that had ever happened to me. Being able to disperse all the "piti" / energy that normally happens to me when I sit into my body really put me into a completely different place, and I was able to observe everything rising and passing away from a distance with nonattachment.

Of course I thought this was going to continue when I got home, but after being able to hit this state a few days after the retreat on my own cushion, I started feeling a lot of aversion to practice, followed by frustration and anger with myself and with my practice. I stopped sitting for a month and a half, which I've never done in 3 years of daily practice. A lot of anger, frustration, negativity and personal issues that I thought I'd worked out in my meditation practice a few years back came back with a vengence.

Which puts me into the now - I've recently started sitting again every day for about 30-45 minutes, which has helped immensely to deal with the negative stuff that's reared it's ugly head. I'm still feeling an intense amount of aversion to sitting though and am coming up with a million and one reasons not to sit. I don't enjoy it anymore, it's uncomfortable and painful at times. My mind is busier and more distracted than it's ever been. When I do manage to focus on my breath or focus on my body, the "piti" energy comes rushing in but I can't seem to control it and my eyes roll back in my head so hard it's painful. I can't disperse the energy back into my body to go into the 2nd Jhana.
It feels ragged and nasty today.

Trying to use noteing practice, which quickly brings up boredom, which I note and move on to. But having problems making a distinction between attention naturally going to what I'm noting, or if I'm actually noting a split second before my attention moves on.

That's all for now.

Have been trying to sit every day for 30 minutes and just feeling this internal aversion and "what's the point" kind of feelings around it, even though I can immediately see a difference in my temprament and patience level and even my mood after just one sit. These kinds of rewards are just not enticing at all, even though I want them in theory.

My sit tonight was a mish-mash of monkey mind and moments of intense concentration and focus on the body. The energy coursing through my body was again almost too much to deal with in these phases of heavy concentration. It feels ragged and prickly and electric, like someone has stuck a wire into my veins. I see colors, have a lot of body distortions (feeling like i'm floating 20 feet above myself) and my eyes again roll back so far in my head it hurts, but I simply note these things and continue with my object of focus. The samadhi feels too ragged and untamed though to do anything with (move into second jhana etc) - only lasts for 5-8 minutes though and then I'm back to dealing with the hindrances....boredom, doubt, aversion, disgust.