jgroove's practice journal: sophomore edition

60 minutes noting.
I've been keeping up the hour-a-day sitting practice. Lots of doubt, self-doubt, frustration, 'what's the point?' and similar stuff coming up. No problem--I see it all for what it is. My mind seems particularly prone to kicking up storylines of all kinds right now, and while I'm keeping up the practice, my motivation to actually practice seems reduced. Thank goodness for the access to freedom that a sensations-based approach provides.

"Thank goodness for the access to freedom that a sensations-based approach provides."

Wonderfully put.

60 min. noting today and yesterday. will probably put in another 60 min. today, since I just finished a ton of work and have a little free time. Practiced as I could last week--tons going on with the kids' baseball, Cub Scouts, birthday parties, my wife home with a cold, etc. Rockin' the pragmatic dharma in the 'burbs.
The sit just now was very intense, spacious and open. Lots of quivering, pulsing, roaring, spaciousness, openness, windows rolled up. Hopped right up after an hour--legs weren't asleep or in intense pain or anything. Tried to bring more "observing power" to objects here and there. Not much sadness in the chest, unlike a few days ago.

2 x 60 min. today
So much inherent dissatisfaction. So much going on in terms of subtle phenomena, but none of it ever seems good enough. It's like the lead in the pencil, so to speak, is pure dissatisfaction. The lead is trying to take the wood part of the pencil as object, but isn't happy with that, so it tries to take itself as object, but is equally unhappy with that. There's always this wanting for something more and better, something different, whatever's on the horizon. I'm not lamenting this, just noticing that this is how things seemed today: best-case-scenario type of sits over the last couple of days, but still ... not enough.

OK, I think I get what's going on--I'm responding to the vibrational quality of Equanimity by getting excited and full of anticipation. A big moment seems close, but never comes. That leads to disappointment. There's also a dukkha quality to the anticipation itself. Inevitably, the anticipation leads to pushing and pulling on the cushion--trying out this approach to make something happen, and then that approach. This is, in itself, painful, which is why these past few sits have simultaneously seem spacious, open, easy, etc.--and utterly disappointing. Joke's on me!

That sounds good, believe it or not. Keep it up Joel.

"There's also a dukkha quality to the anticipation itself. Inevitably, the anticipation leads to pushing and pulling on the cushion--trying out this approach to make something happen, and then that approach. This is, in itself, painful, which is why these past few sits have simultaneously seem spacious, open, easy, etc.--and utterly disappointing. Joke's on me! "

This really resonates with me. The pushing and pulling is definitely a dead end... My mantra now is to "get out of the way" of the process.

60 minutes this morning, with a 20-minute interval bell
noted aloud for first 20
noted silently with some out-loud noting for next 20
silently for last 20

nothing new to report; keeping at it...

Slammed with work and family stuff over the past couple of weeks--major writing deadlines, my memory-impaired in-laws getting lost up in the mountains, tons of kid stuff.
I got together with Kenneth a few weeks ago and he asked me how long I was sitting. "Two hours and forty minutes yesterday," I said, and noted that a few times a week I'd been getting up at 4 or 5 a.m., thanks to insomnia, and then sitting until 7 or so.

Kenneth said this was clearly high equanimity, that when he asks people how long they're sitting and they say they're sitting two or three hours a day, kind of in a matter-of-fact, no-big-deal way, that it's often a good sign of High E.

My take right now is that I've slipped out of High E and back to the dukkha nyanas, but my grasp of the maps is so poor.
I sat a 9 to 4 retreat on Sunday--lots of dharma talks mixed in; not as much sitting as it sounds like--and went home wanting to hug my wife and kids and feeling very sentimental about our little abode and suburban life. Just opening the garage door and seeing all the junk in there made me feel grateful, warm and nostalgic. I was also very sad. Some bad stuff happened on the retreat: the heat spiked through the roof, we had to call 911 after a person nearly fainted and I was flummoxed after somebody kind of put me in the spotlight without warning. I might have been sad about that stuff, but I can't help but think that some of what was coming up was a response to feeling destabilized, and I have noticed that I am not sitting when I wake up early now. Instead of feeling the overwhelming urge to sit, I have to fight the urge to just sip coffee and watch SportsCenter. [CONT.]

I'm also noticing more doubting thoughts, a desire to just forget about maps and attainments and take "the lifestyle approach," etc. Rather than give in to the contents of this, I'll try to keep in mind Tarin's alternate Factors of Enlightenment:
1 Don't indulge in your crap!
2 When in doubt or struggling: note/hit and accept pain.
3 If you have a question, the answer is in the Three Characteristics.
4 Be mindful during transitions between activities.
5 Analysis is not the same as practice.
6 Practice at all times when awake.
7 Stick to the schedule!
8 Remember how precious these moments are and how much the Dark Night sucks.
9 When alone, practice just as hard; this is for you.

Over and out...

I've been wondering about you, Joel. I so understand what you've just described, the longing for "normalcy," the desire to give up all this reordering of one's inner life and just take "the lifestyle approach." And it's *such* a bummer to slide from equanimity back into the dukkhas. I wish you well; I look forward to hearing about your awakening.

"I've been wondering about you, Joel. I so understand what you've just described, the longing for "normalcy," the desire to give up all this reordering of one's inner life and just take "the lifestyle approach." And it's *such* a bummer to slide from equanimity back into the dukkhas. I wish you well; I look forward to hearing about your awakening. "

Thanks for the encouragement, Laurel. All the best to you and yours as well.

60 minutes this morning--started with vigorous out-loud noting for 20 minutes or so, then transitioned to silent noting/bare awareness.
Might go back to 60-minute, out-loud noting sessions this week. Got a little spacey toward the end this morning. Did a fair amount of bystander-type noting this morning as well as "What's happening right now?" I seemed to see intentions pretty clearly. I noticed with a bit more clarity how there is an assumption underlying a lot of my practice--that progress is somehow about getting away from this in order to get to that. Not exactly anything new, of course, but it's helpful to remember that it's always only about now.

You do realize that it is going to get "spacey" at some point and it can be a sign of progress right?

Hi Mu.
I think by "spacey" I meant getting caught up in thoughts/images. However, I do know that at a certain point there's this phenomenon of thoughts getting "slippery." In retrospect, that could have been what was going on, but as usual I'm not entirely sure. Hmmm...

Had the opportunity to sit for another hour this afternoon. I mostly did a whole-body breathing technique that I learned this weekend: On the in breath, try to become aware of as many sensations as possible, including, of course, those associated with the trying itself; on the out-breath, relax and let go of those sensations. A good practice.

I had a bit of a lull with work this week and was able to sit quite a lot--probably three or four hours yesterday, all told. Spent a fair amount of time just sitting in a chair and looking at the room with panoramic awareness, letting the mind get really quiet. Right now, as soon as I start paying attention things get vibrational pretty quickly, with roaring in the ears and this sense that my hands and forearms are disappearing/vibrating very quickly. I've been doing some breath-counting and at-the-nostrils attention here and there as well. Some visual stuff--"TV snow,"' the walls looking more like bright lights than solid objects.

Confidence right now, wanting to be through with all of it a day or two ago. More 'o same, in other words.

Sat three or four hours on Friday and about 40 minutes to an hour Mon-Thurs of last week.
Unfortunately, the Thanksgiving break was pretty much a wash, but the practice is clicking along again here.
Over and out...

60 minutes this morning.
Metta for the first 10 minutes or so, followed by 10 minutes of trying to stick exclusively to the rise and fall of the abdomen.
The rest of the sit was silent noting, for the most part.
With the rise and fall, I noticed a lot of tension, aching and solidness at the abdomen. This later softened a bit, at which point I noticed a lot of nervousness--kind of like butterflies in the stomach, only the nervous sensations seemed to extend all the way up to the heart. Very akin to anxiety. In fact, my heart seemed to be racing at one point, which I noted as "beating, beating."

some of the phenomena this morning:
rushing, roaring (hearing/neutral), rocking (subtle rocking of body), touching, softness, warmth, pleasant (shirt on body, feeling of shirt on abdomen with the rise and fall), pressure, aching, burning, unpleasant (contact points with cushion and on legs), aching, tingling, falling asleep, unpleasant (legs falling asleep).

Noting aching in back and legs, future thoughts, imagining thoughts, self thoughts; looking-investigating; spaciousness, silence, seeing, brightness; aching, aversion, wanting to shift, intending to shift, shifting. Planning thoughts, third-eye pressure, stillness, tightness/pressure (jeans on legs), neutral; hearing-neutral (birds outside, various sounds); coughing-unpleasant; wanting to swallow, swallowing-aversion; dryness (lips touching lips).

Sitting at the keyboard now, there is a persistent pressure at the third eye, a roaring sound in the ears. If I stop and pay attention to the visual field, perception is panoramic, and it's easy to take the whole body as an object within this larger field...

60 minutes this morning.
started with rise and fall, moved to silent noting.
the noting was easy and fast; a lot of vibrational stuff, equanimity and spaciousness. Noted "watching" and "observing" and it seemed natural to try to take the whole head, the whole "mind," as object--or to try to more closely watch or investigate what has been watching, hanging out and feeling solid. Doing this seemed to deepen the practice. At certain points toward the end of the sit, it was natural to drop the silent noting and just observe with bare attention, trying to take in everything that was happening--all intentions, sensations and the trying itself. When the bell rang, I could easily have kept sitting, but I had to get to work. Speaking of which...back to work.

Nice!

I was able to build a lot of concentration yesterday by making an effort to stay present off the cushion (I never actually sat). Instead of drinking coffee and watching SportsCenter, for example, I played a game whereby I was only allowed to sip the coffee after the fifth exhale. So my caffeine injection was dependent upon not getting embedded--lose count of the breaths and you have to start again. Kind of weird, but every little bit helps. Sitting in the mall traffic, it was a no-brainer to use the license plate in front of me as a kasina by picking out this or that character on the plate and staying with it. Did some noting here and there as well--but this is what I need to make habitual. Still, I did more noting throughout the day yesterday. I do feel like I went from E to DN yesterday. I ended the day in a very sad and nasty mood, for no identifiable reason. My poor family has to bear the brunt of this, although I do my best not to manifest this stuff. It's interesting to notice how I handle my kids' challenging behavior with equanimity some of the time, but then at other times it's all I can do to keep it together.

60 minutes this morning--silent noting, mostly.
The idea that the centerpoint is just a bunch of sensations is not new to me at all. However, this morning there was so much equanimity and spaciousness in the sit--maybe stronger concentration as well--that I seemed to get closer to a point where the sensations that make up the centerpoint might be seen for what they actually are, along w' the 3Cs. Can't say I quite got there but it felt close.

"It's interesting to notice how I handle my kids' challenging behavior with equanimity some of the time, but then at other times it's all I can do to keep it together.
"

Oh yeah.

I had the house to myself on Tuesday and tried to do as much sitting and walking meditation as possible. I practiced from about one or two in the afternoon until nine or 10 at night, I'm guessing. I sat for a couple of hours on Wednesday morning as well, and then went to a weekly group sit last night, where we did 30 minutes of open practice and 30 minutes of metta.
Hindrance-type stuff seems to be coming up'”doubt and self-doubt, recurring thoughts about a family argument, strong feelings of disappointment and exasperation ('What's the point? Why the lack of progress?'). This stuff doesn't seem to be getting too much of a foothold'”'doubting thoughts''”but it's a challenge not to get caught up in it.

For many of these practice periods, I would start with samatha for 20 minutes'”usually paying attention to the breath at the nostrils or abdomen'”and then start noting silently. On Wednesday morning, I counted breaths to ten over and over, maybe a couple of hundred sets of 10. Lots of very strong vibrational stuff, sometimes pressure/movement at the crown. When practice is in full swing, the usual rocking motions kick in, with a lot of roaring in the ears, like the background hum of an engine in the distance, with strange, battery-acid-like sensations on the tongue and 'TV snow' visuals. What is being missed here?