Where am I at? Streamer?

Hi,

I've been lurking around here for quite a while but haven't posted much. At the beginning of the year I attended a 5 day retreat at Spirit Rock and have made a continuous effort to stay mindful in all activities in addition to several hours a day of formal practice since this time.

I'm not sure if I have made it to stream entry or not yet. Several days ago there were several moments of discontinuity that may have been the various doors manifesting. One moment felt like my heart stopped and I dropped out and came back. It sort of felt like someone shoved a gun in my face, pulled the trigger and I died but then quickly reappeared with the same feeling of creepy terror. Keep in mind it was so brief there was no time for "terror" in the usual sense to fully manifest either before or after. Another moment felt like reality was simply "beamed up" and then reappeared. I'm wondering if this was the impermanence door. I've also had the same experience several days before. Unfortunately, all of these have happened while I was lying in bed and thus they could have just been me falling asleep for a brief moment. I have tried to duplicate these by making vows, but have been unsuccessful in making them appear again.

Last night during a formal 50 minute sit I clearly observed as the A&P formed into dissolution, fear, misery, disgust, desire for deliverance, re-observation (the previous appeared very briefly all at once or very quickly in succession). Soon after it felt the background was coming into focus, everything begin speeding up as if someone was pushing down on the accelerator, dark stuff quickly bubbled out and when I made an effort to bring them back they were quickly stomped out before forming. I made a resolve to get a fruition, but nothing. I'm still at the same spot. I feel somewhat bored with a sense of anticipation.

I seem to be pretty much always sitting in equanimity or if I am not I can meditate quite easily there with little to no effort. The few times there may have been fruition there has been a distinct drop back to perhaps the A&P where after the discontinuity (one was during a brief nap) the background was not nearly as distinct or clear and the object of meditation was again the focus. The cycle then began to synch up back to equinimity again over the course of the day.

I've mainly been focusing on the brief and comprehensive instructions given on the front page of this site.

I woke up this morning and did another 50 minute sit, but this time I felt I hadn't departed from equinimity. I made a resolve to attain fruition, but no fruitions yet..not sure if I have stream entry or not...I've also been noting the craving for fruition, impatience, feelings of wanting completion and path, etc. during practice.

Sorry if I'm not explaining my experiences in more phenomenological terms, it's just I want to summarize a brief history first before going into exquisite detail.

"Sorry if I'm not explaining my experiences in more phenomenological terms, it's just I want to summarize a brief history first before going into exquisite detail." -vitallotus

Hi Vitallotus,

I can't wait to hear the exquisite detail! The overview is a good place to start, but we can't tell anything by what you've said so far. When you say, "I clearly observed as the A&P formed into dissolution, fear, misery, disgust, desire for deliverance, re-observation," we don't yet know what you mean by those terms; any given word may mean different things to different people. So, if you want to give us a couple of bare-bones reports without using any Buddhist words at all, we'll see if we can come up with some useful feedback for you.

Nice to see you here on the forum,

Kenneth

Edited to say Kenneth beat me to it!


Hi vitallotus,

before anymore speculations, let's see that exquisite detail into your practice, and over a period of time too.

Good to be cautious and not cave into speculation. That's Kenneth's job (to speculate on where you may be and diagnose).

Although this sounds cool and interesting. Let's see if it repeats a bit, and alos so we can see some patterns in your practice emerge:

" One moment felt like my heart stopped and I dropped out and came back. It sort of felt like someone shoved a gun in my face, pulled the trigger and I died but then quickly reappeared with the same feeling of creepy terror. Keep in mind it was so brief there was no time for "terror" in the usual sense to fully manifest either before or after. Another moment felt like reality was simply "beamed up" and then reappeared."

Also contact Kenneth for more advice.



Mudita,

Nick

Keep describing, was there a shift before vrs after? Give it a couple weeks it will be clearer what it was. Keep practicing, sounds like you are making progress weather or not it was path keep up the good work...

Hi everyone,

Here is a description of my latest sit:

I sat down with the intention that I was going to write a description of my sit. This intention in and of itself was enough to alter the entire sit. First of all there was a simple picture of me in the future typing everything that was going on in addition to my standard noting. This had positive effect of double noting. It also had the negative effect of noting too far backwards (I was trying to remember what happened from too far back). This would sometimes pull me out of the moment. Additionally, there was the anxiety/excitement/curiosity surrounding this that was also manifesting in and out. This is one of the overall qualities of the entire sit.

The second overall quality that lasted the 50 minute duration was the sense of "no gravity." There was a pervasive curiosity about the nature of space itself. It felt then when I tried to actively observe space I would realize it was not me since I was observing it. On the other hand, when there was no attempt to observe it there was a sense of abiding in it. Sensations themselves seemed to flicker in and out of a space that extended into an area far more vast than the usual sense had. There were also intermittent attempts to figure out the nature of this abiding space. However, actively observing it in the usual way would simple pick out an infinitesimal point in that space, rather than trying to see it as impermanent as a whole.

Specific details of the sit:

I first sat down and focused on the breath at the nostril. I like noting out loud so when I began to note the focus began to shift to the entire breath. I would also note the behavior of the breath when I spoke in noting. For example, when I say the word "hearing" I would note (without words) how the stomach contracts inward and what that feels like in an experiential way. In this manner the center of attention was located in the entire breath process. The focus changed frequently from the cool sensations flowing across the teeth and tongue in the mouth to the rising and falling belly to the sensations above the mouth in the nostrils. It's fair to say that I would often see all of this somewhat simultaneously while noting verbally.

There was then a pervasive sharp and very concentrated tingling sensation in the inner ear. I tried to locate it somewhere on the ear, but realized it was taking place within the ear itself. It felt like it was digging a hole through the ear. This sensation at first seemed somewhat pleasant (and I noted it as both pleasant and unpleasant). This sensation lasted for the entire sit. Eventually I put my finger in my ear and this moved the sensation to my toe. At this point my foot had fallen asleep and there were several intentions to move the foot, but the intention manifested where the foot was,but it only manifested intention itself and no other sensations. The sharp tingling sensation (it seemed very small and concentrated but was intense enough to distinguish it from all other sensations). Suddenly it was back inside the ear again and then later manifested above the bridge on my nose. At the very end of the sit it occurred at the top of the head. My mind imagined that it was a top spinning up there. So there was this imaginary top spinning a little bit off to the side (not at the exact top) that was creating this intense tingling sensation (that seemed bot pleasant and unpleasant).

Simultaneously it was also pulsing inside my ear.

In addition to this there is sometimes the feeling of thinking getting inside auditory sensations. I usually find this unpleasant. For example, the refrigerator started making noises and I would very subtly hear my thoughts in its sounds. I noted this as "hearing and unpleasant" and it eventually went away. It seems I've discovered that thoughts don't actually take place in a "6th sense" as is sometimes stated (at least that's what I think.. I could be wrong). They seem to manifest within the normal 5 senses. The most pleasant is when they are taking place within the breath. They can also manifest in chewing. When I am thinking I've also observed that that there are simultaneous sensations across the tongue where I would normal say the same thoughts if I was saying them verbally. It's due to this that I prefer to note verbally. I noted verbally for about half the sit, but things became too fast and subtle toward the end and noting verbally took too long and would pull me out of the "moment."

This is everything I could remember, but there was probably a lot more...

Let me know what you think!

Thanks!

-Thomas Vitale

Oh yes, one more thing.

During this sit I was trying to find the beginning and endings of sensations, but consistently could not find them nor can I find them now. They seem to arise from zeroness and extend into the infinite. Instead of a sharp beeping, many simply fade out or blend into others.