Mark's 2nd Practice Journal

"The sense of light emerging is pretty new, and I have a feeling that I ought to let it come and integrate slowly. Therefore I haven't tried taking any conscious intentions or experiments with it. I'd like to get more used to it and have it stabilize before I try anything else.
-mdaf30

I usually do two rounds of NS. Your post on that was very helpful and motivating. I've just noticed, because of your recent post, that the light grows after NS. I was just starting to notice the light in other states, so it wouldn't have made sense to me much sooner than that. I will notice and see if after two rounds of NS it is brighter than after one. I might try three as well.

Yours,
Mark

"

Nice. That sounds pretty mature way of approaching it

Antero.

The past 10-14 days--as in post #21-22--have been generally focused on the inner light. No major changes with the light. They have also been distinguished by the new, very easy concentration state that I also reported in the above.

The most interesting thing about this has been that the nana actively has been muted strongly, to the point where it feels like it has been almost absent. Since I can remember, the first 20-30 minutes of a meditation session--often, the whole thing--have been difficult and filled with tension and heavy to semi-heavy negative emotion. This was true through all 4 paths. To be clear, it is not that there aren't distractions and discrete negative feelings and such in recent meditations, it's more that the this sense of emotional grinding through hasn't been there.

One speculation that I have is that the somewhat labored, forceful concentration I was engaged in was actually causing the nanas to arise; a product of contracted attention itself. I say this because I've tried just a few times I experimented with concentrating harder in these meditations, this seems to actually bring up the nana activity. Moving back to the easy concentration, it goes away. I'm also not saying that I had a choice in previous years either. This new easy concentration feels very *new*--it was not available before in any way that I think of as real.

When pain has been coming up now, it seems to trace very clearly back to the heart chakra. In fact, I've noticed at certain times that when pain arises and I start to float around mentally in it, it is a kind of elaboration or abstraction of the pain in my heart. Like the brain takes the heart pain and makes a story out of it. When I get aware enough to notice the pain, I just feel into the physical/energetic heart and try to be with it. Nothing else to do.

In daily life, a lot is the same and a little is different. What has been different has been a kind of pervasive sense of peace underlying things. Not overwhelmingly, but something I notice. I've got the whole range of emotions, but I definitely notice getting emotional less. Some of this feels excellent, some perhaps a little dissociated. I have lost my cool a few times seriously due to major work events, but it passes pretty fast once the situation has been resolved.

Cycles have been there, but much more subtle, less overwhelming. Perhaps when it comes to nanas, "As in meditation,so in daily life."

P.S. Having now reported the above, the last two meditations I seemed to have returned to a more forceful concentration and can't quite "find" the easier one. Last night in particular the nana activity was back, as was more intense kundalini stuff (they seem correlated). I notice the inner light but it seems less important than other mental phenomena. So perhaps I'll now cycle back through some old ground in a new way.

What's "the inner light"?

The inner light is a new awareness I have of illumination in the visual field when I close my eyes (see post 22). The field has had colors for a while--blues and purples and sometimes reds--but lately there seems to be a whitish, glowing hue that I notice and that seems to have gotten a bit brighter. It is brighter after NS.

It's hard to describe, but lately this inner illumination has become an emotionally important object in my awareness, it brings along a sense of peace, whereas before it was there--of course, the inner field has never been total darkness--but that fact didn't feel important or worthy of attention.

Mark

So a few nights ago I had a dream in which an ex-girlfriend and I were having dinner. So told me that we should spend more time together. I woke up the next day and felt like I have had enough of trying to disappear my ego for a while. (That particular ex is probably the single best symbol of my personal journey, so settling in with her is pretty much tantamount to settling in with my ego).

Anyway, I've just got this feeling that I don't want to do any spiritual practice right now, and I honestly feel quite contented in my life, maybe more contented than I've ever been before. In this moment, I just feel like, well, for 36 years old I'm enlightened enough and--after almost 20 years of consistent pushing--I could stand a few years of no more major vertical shifts in my awareness. I'm tired.

Of course, that's not saying there isn't more to go. In fact, it's precisely because I know there is more--both theoretically and from the experiential glimpses I've had--that I don't really want to go farther right now. Rushing is a bad idea and the big shifts aren't easy. I like the idea of taking things more gradually--a little stopping to smell the roses.

Anyway, this is also just candid report from 4th path (or 5th stage, or what-have-you). I could shift again tonight, tomorrow, or next week. Things change, and the spiritual path is nothing if not one long mood swing.

Mark