Antero's pactise journal 2

25 min sit in the evening

Release of tension, vibration at the third eye, relaxation, contentment
Light, release of tension, peace, bliss, widening of the awareness

Very slow progress through the dukkha nanas:
moving pressure at the left shoulder blade (under the skin)
constriction of the throat
uncomfortable feeling at the lower back (right side)
irregular vibrations at the third eye
pressure at the chest
sharp pressure (pain?) at the lower back (left side)
uncomfortable feeling at the lower back

Release of tension, light, space, floating, vibration at the third eye, observing the vibrations

The vibration at the third eye has become clearer and faster when doing the Wheel. The flickering and vibration start as soon as I close my eyes. I gently pay attention to the sensations at the third eye observing the stops and packet go by. At the same time the jhanic arc happens in the background. It moves fast to the equanimity and stays there for most of the time. The nanas are felt very slightly if at all and the flickering takes all the attention. Sitting is pleasant but with little variations.

There has been a clear and constant development in my sitting practise during the past two weeks. Some time ago the flickering at the third eye did not start before the 5th or 11th nana and it faded away as soon as I started to descend the jhanic arc. The arc was moving quite slowly and I did not stay at the 11th nana for very long. During the day I would sometimes get tired and irritable as I slowly went through the dukkha nanas. Aggressive noting improved the condition relatively fast though.

Asana practise (100 min)
Vibration at the third eye
Merging with the breath and the movement
No need to maintain the sense of self
Dissolving

Sitting practise (35 min)
Strong vibration
Fast flickering
Falling into absorption
Progress through the nanas very faint
Just flickering and vibration
Twitching of the body
Unable to let go of the tension at the left shoulder
Pressure at the third eye
Unable to release the pressure

Relaxation and Samyama (15 min)
Letting go
Vibration
Release of tension
Pleasure
Peace

I have been spontaneously having this new state sometimes during the day. I may be walking down the road paying attention to body sensations. Then I feel kind of shift in perspective and softening or letting go of something. As I walk there is just this feeling of walking. I do not feel happy but still there is no suffering. I may have had worries but at that moment everything feels fine just as it is.

40 min sit in the morning after asana practise
I started noting heavy sensations and thoughts. It took a while before vibrations and flickering appeared and when they came they were faint and unclear. This heavyness was unusual and to my surprise I noted frustration and doubt.

Immediately there was strong and clear pulsing at the third eye. It was so strong that it felt like someone was hitting my forehead with a small hammer. I let the pulsing take me into nice absorbed state. The pulsing became faster and irregular. After a while it turned into fast and chaotic flickering. At the same time I started noticing some tension at the left shoulder which felt slightly unpleasant. As the flickering became faster and more regular I was filled with the feeling of equanimity and contentment. I was able to let go most of the tension as I lightly observed the tactile feeling at the third eye. At the end of the sit the flickering became stronger as the energy started to build up. I felt tingling on top of the head as the energy rose and then dissipated.

I am sitting as much as I can and doing noting during the rest of the day like obsessed. Although I am doing my best not get obsessed about it. Sometimes it is a bit hard to balance it, being goal orientated person as I am.

I have been at the equanimity stage for some weeks now and this definitely feels like high equanimity to me: intensive vibrations and pulsing, jolts of energy, those pleasant rising energy currents that leave one blissed out. Whenever I feel the intensity of the vibrations increase and the currents starts to accumulate, I switch from observing the vibrations to noting to contain my excitement and get me out of the way.

I feel the slowly growing frustration creeping in and I have come to the conclusion that it is an unavoidable feature of the equanimity stage before gathering enough momentum to pop through. It is funny, but after Stream Entry I was actually quite sure that I would not get frustrated or over anxious about the practise ever again. Well that was then'¦

Lately my level of concentration has been variable. Sometimes I wake up on the cushion to realize that instead of meditating I had been just daydreaming or have literally fallen asleep. Other times the concentration is easy and stable, even remarkable powerful like today.

As I did my asana practise, concentrating on the body sensations was easy. The focus was wide and there was little room for stray thoughts as I savoured the feel of each asana with relaxed attention. In the background there was very noticeable throbbing / vibration at the third eye.

I sat for little over one hour after asana practise. I felt all the tensions melt away, even the habitual contraction of the left shoulder softened. I went very deep into absorption. There was little or no awareness of the body and I was surrounded by light. I do not know how deep I would have ended up for I started noting to make sure not get embedded in this very blissful state. The vibrations at the third eye were subtle and extremely fast and there were cool tingling vibrations present the base of the spine and lower back. This was one of the most relaxed and blissful sit ever.

I had a quite intense sitting with Kenneth last evening. He asked me to look at the abrupt endings of the phenomena. I observed the twitches at my leg but I think I failed to see the ending. Instead I was more interested in the waves of blue energy currents that were sent by each twitch. The waves moved rapidly from my leg through the body and ended up in my head.

I remember the feeling I had before getting first path. All the phenomena were arising and passing separately from each other and disconnected to me. They had their birth, lived for a little while to be observed and then just suddenly died. I think I should be looking for the rabbit holes at the sudden endings of the sensations.

30 min sit
I sat in siddhasana with my heel pressing against the perineum. I concentrated on the clear and constant pressure of the heel. Every now and then some sensation made my attention move away from the perineum, but otherwise all I was feeling was that distinct feeling of pressure. Did the pressure exist when the attention was away and I was not watching it? I am reminded of the famous zen koan 'If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it does it make a sound?' Looking at the evidence I have to come to the conclusion that the pressure exists only when I am consciously noticing it. It only appears to be continuous but that is only a trick of the mind.

I continue to investigate using wider focus this time. I observe all the body sensations as a whole. I get a mental image of a shadowy-like figure of myself with all the sensations present: pressure at the perineum, pressure at the third eye, tension of the left shoulder and vibrations at the third eye. The sensations are not so strong and clear when seen together like this. If I look closer I notice that at any given moment I am only looking at one particular sensation. To create a whole of experience, the attention is rapidly moving from one sensation to another. Perhaps the attention is limited to see only one thing at a time?

When I single out two sensations: pressure at the third eye and pressure at the perineum, I get very interesting oscillation between the two. The attention is changing between the sensations like a maniac producing a sort of flickering similar to the feeling I get at the third eye when doing The Wheel. As I observe the oscillation, the energy starts to move and the flickering at the third eye becomes clear and pronounced. Every time I try this experiment I get very noticeable flickering going.

I am seeing more and more clearly the way mind creates the illusion of solidity and continuity. Seeing the sensations, emotions and thoughts drop dead seems to generate a lot of energy. As I sat last night and watched the endings of the phenomena I got intense flickering, tingling on top of the head and blissful waves of rising energy. All this lasted for some time and then things slowly cooled down.

90 min of asana practise
Deconstruction of the experience seems to develop further. My practise became a stream of small packets of sensations that seemed to have little connection to each other. The mind moved from one sensation to another in great speed and this created a peculiar mosaic of experience. It mattered very little what asana I was doing since all that was experienced was contraction of the muscles here, release of tension there, movement of the toes, twisting of some body part or another, some stray thought and so on. Noticing was fast and effortless and it became a sort of game I enjoyed playing.

50 min of sitting practise
As I sat after asana practise, the same game of deconstruction was going on. This released a lot of energy, which started to build up. The flickering became loud and clear and there were sensations of moving energy at my arms, base of the spine and on top of the head. I was careful to notice all signs of euphoria, bliss, excitement, frustration, hope and striving. On one hand I was letting go of all the tension and wanting and on the other I was hoping to get it done this time. As the twitching, strobing and vibration got stronger and stronger, I saw / felt my body as a tube or a tower of light. After some time the flickering subsided and things calmed down. Before the end of the sit I experienced another similar rapture.

I have re-read some old posts that I found very useful when I was going through the equanimity phase last time. This thread was especially useful:

kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/4102472/Paying+it+forward

Nikolai writes about how the sense of 'I' is generated and how seeing the endings of the phenomena relate to the Cessation. Invaluable stuff!

'Look even closer and you can see the vibrations are made up of individual sensations which arise and stop dead immediately to be replaced by another sensation. If you look and investigate the "endings" of sensations, the "stopping dead" of sensations then you are getting very, very close to Nibbana. You could observe the pulsing vibrations in your head as you sweep there or maybe the flickering of the eyes as they move upwards watching for the end of the sensation of flickering movement or the strobing of sensations in the back of the head. In fact you could investigate the end of any sensation anywhere on the body anytime you are sweeping up or down. Observe the impermanent nature of sensations at that much deeper level than just mere "free flow" and you are knocking at Nibbana's door.'
- Nikolai

Nikolai, if you are reading this, I am still hoping you would copy and paste this material to the Guest Writings section of this site to make it more accessible to everybody. For me this thread has been a gold mine as I have tried to understand how everything works. Thank you Nick!

Antero, your notes are very helpful and your sincere, intelligent practice very inspiring. Thank you. (And Nikolai's link is great too, thanks for reminding.)

Hi Antero,

Under my name in the Guest writing section you can find those tips.

Nick

Mark, Thanks for the encouragement! I am glad if you find something useful here.

Nick, Thank you for making that useful informaton more available

Antero.

Yesterday as I was walking home from work I was noting triplets (softness '“ pleasant '“ calm) and was amazed how effective it is in keeping the mind from wandering. There would be no chance for the mind to form thoughts as long as I kept doing noting. If there were some pauses between noting, I would just include the forming thought in the next note (pressure '“ neutral '“ investigation '“ remembering thought).

As I did this I felt relief and feeling of letting go of everything. This was followed by a bliss wave and tingling that lasted for 500 meters (that is about 5 minutes at my normal walking pace). In the evening I realized how I have recently preferred pleasant and absorptive sits over more gross ones. Sometimes the vibrations do not appear or they are not so subtle and I end up just doing noting. There is a sense of failure and disappointment after these sits. I realized that there is no basically no difference between sleepiness and concentration or dullness and rapture. All I have to do is to continue noting / noticing and stay dis-embedded whatever the experience. I have read this simple truth on this site tens of times but how liberating it is to finally get it! How thick one can be?

(Edited)
---- Way to go Antero, keep up the good farming I'll pick up my shovel, and move on.

Bruno, imagine a farmer who doesn't have enough to eat. Instead of tending his own crops, he leans on his shovel, fantasizes about being a king, and hurls taunts at the other farmers as they work their fields.

In your post I thought to recognize several notable phenomena: doubt, petulance, aversion, grandiosity, fantasizing thoughts, futurizing thoughts, self-congratulation thoughts, judging thoughts, self-righteousness, frustration, futility, fear, dissatisfaction, and presumably a whole panoply of pleasant, unpleasant, and neutral body sensations that directly correspond to the the phenomena I just listed.

The list I have written is what it looks like from the outside and I could be mistaken; only you know what is really going on for you. Whatever it is, if you stay on top of it through noting, you will suffer less, you will cause less suffering for others, and you will move ever closer to harvesting a successful crop. When you are well-fed, we can resume the discussion on the importance of becoming a king.

Yes. The fact that you SEE what it going on, objectively, as much as possible all the time from moment to moment. is the fundamental change that's needed for awakening. You can talk yourself out of that by saying you have preferences and opinions and all kinds of reasons why that won't work for you, and you can stop paying attention -- and you will fall right back into existential ignorance. I think I read a similar comment by Owen on his thread this morning. If you can stop agonizing over your feelings and preferences and concepts and just do the freakin' practice you clear the way for you to succeed.

24.10

Peeling an Onion

As the equanimity stage continues to develop, my sits have all the time become more and more uneventful. I am just resting in the feeling of equanimity and sometimes going to the border of subconscious and sleep. Even though the equanimity nana seems to be all peace and tranquillity, closer look always reveals more subtle layers of aversion, greed, restlessness and dissatisfaction. Once these layers have been peeled off, there are always new layers waiting to be discovered.

Yesterday I sat for three hours in the morning. This resulted in an unprecedented clarity for the rest of the day. Noting seemed clumsy and unnecessary. Things did not seem to happen to me. I just curiously observed how my mind reacted to different events and sensations: how it felt aversion against cold and discomfort or greed for something it labelled as desirable. This detached observed couldn't help feeling amused.

25.10.

Something has changed. This morning my practise felt the same as always. I sat for one hour and went deep into equanimity and rested there noting triplets. Then at work I noticed that I was cycling through the nanas clearly and rapidly. Strange. During past weeks the cycling has been almost nonexistent as the equanimity nana has been my main mode. I was puzzled by this.

As I was guessing the reason for all this, I remembered something that happened last evening as I sat:

I was very deep in absorption and probably almost asleep when I was suddenly startled by something that woke me up. 'What was that?' It was not a sound or anything happening in the room. It was like a dark spot or some kind of mental jolt through the mind. Most probably the surprise was just caused by some dream event, so I just dismissed it. Also as I was practically asleep, I remember only waking up fast. From then on the sit continued normally.

Today after work as I sat for 30 minutes in the train I did not need to note. When I closed my eyes, immediately jhanic arc was going up and down rapidly. I went through jhanas 1-8-1 three times in that time.

This evening I had a session with Kenneth and we went up the jhanic arc from A/P to the 8th jhana. After some time of tingling at the crown, strobing and pressure at the third eye, a fruition happened and I found myself back at the first jhana.

Also Kenneth advised me to have a resolution to experience a second path fruition while watching the flickering at the third eye. After a little while a fruition came with a pleasure wave that started from the head and then spread downwards.

It seems like I am currently going through a review phase A. As I close my eyes there is a lot strobing in the visual field and pulsing in the third eye. No need to note or anything, all I have to do is to watch as the jhanic arc takes me from the A/P to the 8th jhana. There I am watching the flickering for a short while before a fruition happens and I am teleported to the first jhana. From there the cycle restarts again. The only variation is that sometimes I get the fruition at the 4th jhana.