Antonio's Practice Journal (maybe?)

Hi all,

I've been mostly a lurker for a long time, both here and in DhO.

After I got stream entry in April 2009, for some reason I've found it very hard to talk about my practice. I can kind of press myself to do that in an email once in a while (to Kenneth and, for a while, to Jackson who's been a great correspondent until I dropped the ball), but journaling hasn't come naturally for me, as much as I'd like it to. So I'm starting this thread hoping to use it as a goad. At the very least I'd like to explore what the hell it is that makes sharing about my practice so hard. (I know, so meta!) An important ingredient seems to be a weird inferiority complex ("I'm not like all those hot-stuff yogis that zoomed to anagamihood in two blinks after stream entry"; "shouldn't I be able to call up fruitions whenever I want to??"; "aaah! what if i'm not even a stream entererer! noooo, let's not even think that!"), but it might go deeper than that.

But beyond psychologizing myself, maybe this can be an actual practice journal, who knows?

Recently I'm taking noting practice more seriously (after a video chat with Kenneth), and it's definitely helping. Kenneth walked me through a practice he calls "the funnel", which uses a combination of noting, "whole body wave" awareness, and specific exploration of eye posture and the visual field, with the aim of getting you to a sweet spot where then you investigate the ends of sensations via the strobing in the visual field.

OK, that's enough for a first post, but I might explore some of the themes up there and perhaps report recent practice. I really appreciate the people in this forum and would like to make the most of it!

Welcome, Antonio. So glad to see your incipient practice journal here!

(To everyone: Antonio is the one who brilliantly translated "What is an Arahat: A Letter to a Friend" into Spanish. I have been corresponding with him for a year and a half or so.)

¡¡¡¡Bienvenido Antonio!!!!

Hang out here long enough and with Kenneth, and you will be one of those hot-stuff yogi anagmi's in no time. Anagamihood is very contagious in this place.

Nick

Welcome Antonio,

And thanks for at least starting the journal. I look forward to perhaps reading some more. I can likely learn a lot from you as you are more advanced in your practice. Please tell us more about your practice.

"Kenneth walked me through a practice he calls 'the funnel', which uses a combination of noting, 'whole body wave' awareness, and specific exploration of eye posture and the visual field, with the aim of getting you to a sweet spot where then you investigate the ends of sensations via the strobing in the visual field."-postreptilian

Antonio, I've decided to rename "the funnel" as "the wheel." Same exact technique, different conceptual framework. It occurred to me that the image of the funnel makes it sound linear, as though you are doing it "right" when things are refined and subtle and doing it "wrong" when things are gross. But that isn't accurate, of course; practice is never linear. It is more of a wheel or a spiral. So calling the technique "the wheel" helps people gain confidence that when things are gross, they are inevitably going to get subtle at some point and there is no need to rush or panic. And when you are grooving on the subtlety and things begin to get gross again, you can completely surrender to the grossness, absolutely confident that you are not losing anything; subtle leads to gross leads to subtle leads to gross leads to subtle. Around and around it goes and confidence grows and grows.

Hey after my Stream entry I wasn't able to call up fruitions... trying to would only generate a lot of craving. After 2nd path I was able to induce them at will. Don't worry about that, or where you are... just pull up a chair and share your practice... glad to see you are coming out of lurking mode... the community element is so conducive to practice...

Hi Antonio,

There is a website which consists of some letters written between a Meditation master and a Yogi, where detailed instructions are given on how to call up fruitions. All the letters haven't been included yet, but the section on how to call up fruitions have been written. Try the blog.

comemeditate.webs.com/apps/members/sendInvitePage

happy reading.

with metta

Upekha

P.S. you have to go to the oldest post and read upwards.

Hi Antonio,

I just had a look at those letters and found the one that would be helpful to you. Have a look at Letter No 54.

Hope this helps.

with metta

Upekha

Thanks for all the support! Will reply more individually but felt like jumping in to practice.

(Before sitting) Off-cushion state: fine vibrations all over if i pay attention. The usual stiffness/hardness of the back of the head (tends to resolve itself if I visualize the energy in those areas). Panoramic awareness, subtle "shimmeriness" of the visual field. Edges of visual field seem related to subtle tightness around the head (cheeks, temples).

Sitting plan: Will do the Wheel (née Funnel). Hope to sit for about an hour.

Stuff: I'm at my parents' home in Mexico and I'm flying tomorrow so there are some worries about that, plus my sister is asleep and I always have this nagging feeling that I should spend more time with them when I'm home, especially on my last day. Yet, I'm about to shut myself in the library to do some meditating. Also, might get interrupted when my sister leaves.

More general stuff: As I said, I tend to be insecure about reporting my practice. Part of the issue is the (probably misguided) idea that if I sit with the intention of reporting the session later, I might introduce a subtle distraction that screws with things. Let's see how this works out.

OK. Done with that hour of sitting. I'll try not to edit myself here too much, mainly as an exercise... so, apologies in advance, and I'll be happy to clarify anything.

By many accounts, I think it was a "good sit". I noted the usual stuff (sensations, warmth, pleasant/unpleasant/neutral, mental images, mental attitudes). I think I've gotten pretty good at seeing through stuff. For instance, a mental attitude is quickly seen as a combination of (say) pressure and mental images, the mental images then are seen as formless fuzzy light, and so on.

Anyway, noted, and quickly felt energy releases further up and up towards the third eye area. Went through a couple of recognizable dark night ñana rounds (the main one I recognize is disgust, which for me has a trademark facial grimacing as the energy pushes its way up; different instances of the "grimace" can happen just at the face or include the chest and back of the head).

An attitude I've found useful lately is: "if you're resisting it, it must be moving". So, if I find a strong muscular resistence, there *must* be a movement that this is a resistance against. The movement is typically a fast and subtle virbation, almost transparent, but if I look for it, there it is, and inclining the mind towards it helps the energy flow more easily. (This principle probably works as "if you're pursuing it, it must be moving" too, and perhaps even as "if you're ignoring it, it must be a confusing movement", but I haven't used these two forms very much.)

With each sit, it seems like I push further and further into formless realms.
[cont]

Reminder: this practice asks you to get to the "sweet spot" in which you're able to observe the ends of visual sensations while the eyes point up towards the third eye.

The typical pattern for me is: I note for a while, the energy gets going more and more, and I find myself in what looks like a formless realm with a lot of vibrations. The visual sensations are there to be seen. The main obstacles are insecurities (are these the right visual vibrations?, i can't seem to get interested in that stuff at all!, i don't see those "packets" of vibrations people talk about!, oh, there's one, but they're way too fleeting to be seen let alone to see what's special about the last blip, etc. etc.).

I'm not reciting the insecurities just to be self-deprecating. I think there's something important about seeing *them* clearly. Every time I'm able to see the insecurity clearly, progress seems to occur. For instance, yesterday (not in this sit), there was this sense of "nope, no way that's it" in my mental attitude. I kept paying attention to that attitude (while the theater of zooming visual sensations kept happening), and eventually I seemed to penetrate it: as if the attitude had merged with space, and I was therefore "inside" it. Then the visual sensations became easier to look at, once I was in that space. These attitudes are often rooted in sensations of hardness and tightness in the back of my head.

To continue with the pattern: I see through these attitudes (whichever one is happening), it does help, I begin to see subtle strobings and so on. And then something "winds up" or runs out of juice. It's not obvious what to note next, I flounder a bit. Then perhaps another set of dark night ñanas, more shivering/whimpering/grimacing (my hobbies), and the cycle repeats again.

This pattern of seeing through mental attitudes is the source of one of my misgivings about noting: the attitudes are sometimes pretty invisible!

Case in point. The final two "disabling attitudes" today were pretty subtle. The first one was simply: "I'm meditating". Allow me a digression (relevant to some of the replies to my initial post). After I got stream entry, I tried to be *really* sure that it was the real thing, by getting repeat fruitions. After a week or so I was able to get them, almost once per day. But! What was curious is that I *never* got a single fruition while formally sitting. The typical way in which review fruitions happened was: I'm back home, I sit at the computer (with the vague idea of perhaps meditating later), I start surfing the web, perhaps read some dharma stuff, la la la. Eventually I get concentrated, I go with the flow, really absorbed, and blip, there's the fruition. So, I was meditating without the formal intent to meditate. So it's as if there's this mental attitude that I always carry with me to the cushion and that I don't see through. Today, I found that mental attitude too and began to see through it. It seems rooted in subtle tingling sensations around the chest and perhaps arms.

There was another of these mental attitudes after this one today... But I don't remember what it was even though it seemed important at the time Oh I remember now, it had to do with posture. I was meditating on a couch, leaning on a padded back. And I think the issue was an insecurity about whether it was OK to meditate like that, allowing the pressure against the couch to create so many gross sensations and possibly muddying things up. And coupled to that was a secondary attitude that said "**** it, I know I'm undermining it and so what".
[cont]

So these two attitudes were both pretty invisible *and* seemingly important objects to penetrate. So I've had the worry that noting practice might keep me away from those important things precisely because they're so subtle. It's like I'm a drunkard on a random walk... if I hit the right sensations, then great! But if I miss them (because I'm inclined to note other stuff instead), and they turn out to be important... then not so great.

I'm sure this is a well-known worry about noting (should we start a list of common "objections"?) and I talked to Kenneth about it. He told me to stop being ridiculous and just note, so that's what I'm doing. (Not in those words, he's too nice

OK that's it for now.

"
I just had a look at those letters and found the one that would be helpful to you. Have a look at Letter No 54."

Thanks, that looks like an interesting site. It's interesting that the instruction given there is to make a formal determination to experience the A&P (not fruition). Counterintuitive!

I'm not particularly hung up on fruitions for their own sake these days.

Actually... Following an instruction given in "Practical Vipassana Meditation" by Mahasi Sayadaw, once upon a time I made a resolution *not* to re-attain 1st path review fruitions, and instead to experience the next path fruition instead. Maybe this is biting me in the butt now

Hi Antonio,

Yes, once you have made a resolution to work towards the next path, you stop experiencing the fruitions in the previous path. However, if you read a few more of those letters, you will come across a letter , where they are trying to work out if the yogi is still at the Sothapatti stage or Sakadagami stage,. The Teacher gives her instructions on how to make a resolution to retract and experience the previous fruitions.

Hope this helps.

with metta
Upekha.

" The Teacher gives her instructions on how to make a resolution to retract and experience the previous fruitions.
"

Wow! I should give resolutions another try. It didn't occur to me to do that.

In fact, it *has* occurred to me that I might be 2nd path already due to a "big" fruition that I had along the way earlier this year. But since it didn't feel much had changed, it didn't have have a recognizable review phase after it, and it certainly didn't seem to give me access to calling up fruitions, I decided not to call it.

Resolving to re-experience earlier fruitions might be a great way to build confidence, if I can pull it off! I'll dig around more in there.

"¡¡¡¡Bienvenido Antonio!!!!
"

Gracias, Nick

"Welcome Antonio,

And thanks for at least starting the journal. I look forward to perhaps reading some more. I can likely learn a lot from you as you are more advanced in your practice. Please tell us more about your practice.

"

Thanks! I hope my experiences can be useful...

Couple more sits:

In the first one, I just wanted to "sit with" those things that I thought were making trouble earlier, to bring open awareness the subtle sense of "I'm meditating" and the sense of "I'm undermining". I found it useful and easy. These sensations are actually really nice and spacious when I let them be.

In the second sit, just now, I was doing more vipassana proper, with the wheel practice. I wanted to explore the (probably illusory) conundrum that there seem to be things I "should" note that I'm not noting. (I.e., is there a systematic way to find the stuff you're missing, other than just hoping to run into it? It's probably a fallacious question since, if you're missing it then by definition you're not aware of it yet so you just need to practice and increase your mindfulness.)

Anyway... This second sit was interesting because it's becoming clear that the a big common denominator of stuff that I'm missing is simply: anger. So, I was observing anger arise about everything. It was often pretty subtle and spacious anger, but nonetheless unmistakeably: anger. Mainly, anger at how things aren't manifesting the way I expect or want them to. (The visual sensations aren't like I want them to be, they're too chaotic, the energy sensations aren't behaving correctly, they're pushing my posture in wrong directions, etc. etc. etc.)

And, it was actually a lot of fun! I got more and more disidentified from the anger and this seems to have pushed the practice a lot. I definitely need to focus on this again!

It's helping me understand what Dan Ingram means when he says that his practice was oftentimes very anger-powered. It sounded pretty horrible when I heard it so I've probably been hoping I'm not anger-driven myself. But now that I'm finding it to be the case... it's fun!

Welcome Antonio!

Please continue reporting your practise. I find your reports excellent, thought provoking and very valuable.

Antero.

"Welcome Antonio!

Please continue reporting your practise. I find your reports excellent, thought provoking and very valuable.

Antero."

Thanks, Antero. I've been slacking because I came back from my trip and I've been back to work and all that. Another report soon.

I finally came back from that long trip home. I've been back to work, catching up with things. I've sat formally only a couple of times this week, two of them today. I wanted to at least mention a couple of themes that have been important in daily life first.

- Last Tuesday, I was noticing a latent intention to "quit each and every thing". It was sort of a knowledge that I will abandon each and every thing that I owe any sort of allegiance to: job, relationship, friendships, family, responsibilities. It wasn't so much a wish to quit, as it was a part of me that seemed to know that all that will be abandoned. It was weirdly comforting to pay attention to this sensation... A lot of reluctance at first, since it seems so sacrilegious to admit any such intentions, but eventually it felt right and it lost its bite.

- Today, I woke up with a big unease. I had to spend a lot of the day on my own to take a clear look at it. It was similar to the thing from Tuesday, but it was more like a resentment/self-pity in the face of the "pressures of the world". For example, there was a lot of resentment at the dharma instructions that always tell you "forget the content, look at bare attention", but it went beyond that. It's as if normally I'm always inputting an extra effort to "take things like a man", in the process ignoring these feelings of resentment and self-pity towards the practice and the challenges of life. Like on Tuesday, it was very useful to keep an eye on this sensation throughout the day. Again, eventually it lost its bite and I felt much better.

These two experiences exhibit something that's becoming a frequent pattern:
1. Lots of unease,
2. I finally "put my finger on it" (it's really just a matter of deciding to pay attention)
3. At first it's not easy to be mindful of it (the sensation is difficult, or unflattering, or "sacrilegious"),
4. Then it becomes easier: the sensations that make it up become clear and often interesting.
5. In fact, this often gets to the point that, to some degree or another, it becomes my new toy. Paying attention to it helps a lot in daily life and in practice.
6. But then the seemingly-important sensations that started making my life so difficult, by the end of the day (or perhaps a couple of days later), are actually pretty difficult to find again. So, it's great that they're not (apparently) making trouble anymore, but there's also a bit of a feeling of loss.

Anyway. I sat for two one-hour sessions today (noting, and attending to the visual strobing when things calm down, which wasn't often). I'm not really feeling like writing a detailed report so I'll just write down things that seemed noteworthy:

- I notice a bias in what I allow to be and what I don't. When it comes to emotions and body sensations, I am able to let them be as I note them. On the other hand, when it comes to thoughts , especially mental images that seem like evidence that I'm distracted, there is an immediate "impulse to annihilate" them. So, as I note them, immediately they're pushed away. I think I can tease apart this impulse to annihilate and I'll try to pay attention to it more in the future.

- Something that I've noticed before but was clear today in one of my sits: there's a subtle but frequent wish to "get off the hook", or to look for some kind of loophole in the practice that'll get me the thing without doing all the work.

Sitting today, I found it very useful to note the tendency to be stoic, to "put up with" or withstand unpleasant sensations and emotions. It's something I'll definitely be paying more attention to.