awouldbehipster's practice notes (part 3)

I love this! Thanks for your comments, mu and roomy.

One time in a monastery in Malaysia, I had the most extraordinary moment of clarity when a visiting senior monk saw me dozing in a chair by the tea urn and rattled his keys loudly to startle me awake. I believed then that it was a preview of things to come, which it was.

Started practice today by grounding my self in my body. I focused on the beating of my heart, which is always a tender experience. There's nothing more organic than the breath and heartbeat.

Slowly but surely, the mind relaxed. Thought formations start making less and less sense as they lose energy. Recognizing that this vast awareness is nowhere to be found, and here awareness is. Moments of natural thought-free wakefulness occur.

Then, as has been happening, the mind turns toward the unconditioned for a moment, and then returns to the fullness of reality - body/mind, luminosity, emptiness.

Things change, but I don't notice insight cycles on purpose. Cessation occurs occasionally. After cessation, the mind will sometimes crave another. I find that it's best to relax the craving and continue practice as usual.

I had a chance to speak with Kenneth on the phone last night on my way home from work. We talked about how the practice of noting mind states is self-correcting in a way. At first, we may find we're having trouble noting and start getting frustrated. So, we note, "frustration." Then we may think, "Oh, I'm doing well now," and note, "amused," or, "proud." We may then get excited (note 'excitement'), but then it wears off, and we become 'disappointed'. Be we notice that we're disappointed, so we move back to, 'relief,' and then, 'joy,' and then, 'elation,' etc. Moods go up, and then down, and so on. If we go too far in one direction, the mind must make its way back down. This is an important insight, and an excellent practice.

That's all for now.

Some random notes'¦

- Practice yesterday was cloudy and somewhat unfocused. I easily got lost in the dreamscape material, and spent a great deal of time spinning thoughts about my life and what-not. It's not uncommon for practice to seem less than ideal. It's good to practice anyway, and even better to not feel bad when things do go as you wish they had.

- Practice today was clear, open, relaxed, and skillful. Spent time resting in natural wakefulness, as well as actively recognizing dreamscape manifestations to be empty-on-arrival. Intuitive understanding of Emptiness was present throughout.

- I'm benefitting more from "this too" than from "not this." There is a paradoxical play between these two approaches.

- Life is still pretty turbulent and difficult to handle. Maintaining a consistent daily practice in the midst of difficult times is a challenge, but it's so worth it. Never give up your daily sits if you can help it. Overtime, a mere 20 minutes of practice per day will do more for you than you can imagine.

"Some random notes'¦

- Life is still pretty turbulent and difficult to handle. Maintaining a consistent daily practice in the midst of difficult times is a challenge, but it's so worth it. Never give up your daily sits if you can help it. Overtime, a mere 20 minutes of practice per day will do more for you than you can imagine."

This really hits home for me. I have been watching people's progress through their threads/journals and that is what started me to add my own. However, I also, have been going through difficult times and whether I am doing sitting practice or noting throughout the day I feel completely spent.

I have written down journal entries to add to my post from this week but as I look at the words I see no point in posting. I feel encouraged when you say to keep at the practice because lately I am in mental dire straights.

I thank you and appreciate your posts.

Nyingje

Hi Nyingje,

I'm glad what I wrote was helpful. Let's face it: sometimes practice isn't nice, fun, pleasant, or rewarding in the short term (at least it doesn't seem to be). But like the development of any other skill, it is the plateau periods which lay the necessary ground work for the more sudden shifts.

Keep it up! And feel free to post your journals. It's good for others to see all sides of the practice, whether boring, or exciting, or pleasant, or unpleasant, or seemingly productive, or seemingly unproductive. Seeing the whole picture really puts things into perspective.

Thanks Jackson.

I really appreciate it. Do you have any suggestions on how to deal with anxiety? The other night I also felt nausea, high anxiety and my heart felt as though it was going to rip out of my chest. My self talk to get me through went something like this: "well, this could be the moment that is going to send me to my grave so just hang on . " Then, I somehow jokingly said to myself (whoever that is) that this could be the very moment I awaken." Needless to say, neither happened and I was wondering if you had any suggestions based on what you are going through?!

Thanks,
Nyingje

I can try to help.

First, it's OK to be comfortable. Sit in a chair, or lie down, or do whatever else will help you to relax. Taking a walk is another great way to work through this stuff.

When my anxiety goes of the charts, and my chest feels tight, and my heart beats quickly, I find that trying to turn away from the feelings makes the situation worse. If you're relaxed and somewhat stabilized after watching your breath, open yourself up to the experience in a way that welcomes whatever might happen. "This too, this too," is my mantra for such occasions. All your natural expanse of wakefulness to experience the present difficulties in a way that allows them to open up. It sounds scary, and sometimes it is. But allow the fear to express itself (e.g. "hello fear, what have you come to tell me? Stay as long as you'd like."). Try it and see what happens.

If the intensity is too great, no worries. Work with it as best you can, and then return to it later if you need to. There's no rush, even though anxiety can really bring a sense of urgency.

All the best!
~Jackson

Hope ya'll don't mind my jumping in briefly here.

I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety lately too, and I just wanted to add that it can be helpful to notice both the feelings and your attitude toward them. If something in you is resisting looking at the feelings directly, that's OK. Instead, look at that resistance, welcome it and try to feel the resistance in as much detail as you can. I've found this can sometimes lessen both the resistance and the feelings themselves. Just what's been working for me recently.

Thanks. I am at the point where when the anxiety comes on it takes on (or seems to) everything. As though, that's all there is. This leads to lack of any ability to relax. I do, somewhere in the tiny cavern of my mind, think that when I gave in to it as "hang on for the ride" it might of helped. However, saying that, it was terrifying. I am going to try and allow it tell me what it is exactly that I need to know. These past few weeks however, have been the worst I have ever experienced.

Thanks for your help.

Ian, thanks for jumping in! I never thought of to think of my attitude toward my feelings in a "purposeful" way. Or, should I say I thought I was being purposeful in a twisted way. Usually , what seems to be happening is that when I look deep into the anxiety I seem to see bits of anger an frustration mixed in and it adds to the anxiety when I stay with it. Then, if I stay with it long enough, the anxiety, anger and frustration all become friends and I don't even have the energy to break them apart or deal with it. So, I try to focus on the anxiety to diffuse the physical sensations (nausea, heart pounding, etc.) and then I push the anger and frustration to the side for another day.

I am going to try both Nick and your ideas during the meditation and will post over the weekend. Thanks for being on this journey

If I can squeeze in one more quick anxiety side note: anxiety can be a great concentration object, it's so strong and energized. It can be a fascinating contradiction to unstick the mind from the anxious thoughts and stick it instead on the intense physical sensations, and since strong concentration is pleasurable, what a contradiction to have anxiety feelings become blissful!

I just published a short blog post at Truth a Paradox titled "So Important, So beneficial." You can read it here - wp.me/peYHj-6V

Here's a snippet preview:

"The specifics of life never get less messy. Awakening does not bring one's life to some grand harmonious conclusion. The multiplex will continue to express itself as it always has. What changes as one begins to awaken is that instead of identifying with arisings in the multiplex, one recognizes the natural expanse of emptiness '“ of being '“ which is vast enough to hold all of the complexities of life and honor the whole catastrophe for what it is."

~Jackson

Loved the article. I have certainly found that reactivity lessens. I've had a couple of emergency situations lately where I've been impressed with my ability to handle what was happening. But yeah, life just rolls on as per usual, but I seem to be less caught up in my crap and therefore more available for others and I tend to react less. So I think, in this case, perhaps saying that there is space available that gives me the ability to be more skillful, is a good way to put it.

Jackson,

Sorry it took so long to reply but at has been happening to me since I started using your suggestions! I have been practicing what you mentioned and sitting with all the feelings that come up. It was really scary but very enlightening. I sat with the feelings of anxiety and really acknowledged it and asked it what does it have to tell me. Then, an awareness of a deep sadness came over me and tears started streaming down my face. I sat with the sadness and acknowledged that too. I won't make this too long and leave it for my journal notes but just had to tell you THANKS!!! This really seemed to "soften" my anxiety and other things that came up. This brought about an "awakening" of sorts. I am keeping up with this and I appreciate your wisdom!

All the best,
Nyingje

Ian,
I have been sitting with the resistance and it lessened just a little. Sitting with the resistance at first was really difficult because both my attitude and feelings brought about immense anxiety, anger, frustration, and sadness. However, as I acknowledged all of them a "softening" occurred and the deep inner blockage seemed to slightly reveal itself.

Thanks for sharing your experience and giving me some techniques. That is another thing I appreciate about everyone on this site. Everyone is really open to sharing their experiences and not hiding behind any "I know more than you" b@^#%#*t.

Thanks again,
Nyingje

Thanks for the feedback, Nyingje. I'm so happy that what I recommended seemed to work for you

There's something about accepting things as they are the leads us to open up in ways we haven't before. This "opening" is very much related to the insight process. Thoughts, feelings, emotions, body sensations - they're all there for us to respect on their own terms. We learn to relate to them different as our identity expands to a place that holds them in all their glory, rather than opposes them in horror.

Feel free to update me on your practice anytime, whether here or on your own practice journal.

Take care,
Jackson

In awakening, Emptiness wakes up to itself via its own spontaneous, effortless, selfless expression. How marvelous!

"I posted the following back in January (2010) on my profile blog at the Tricycle Community.

"Vipassana is very simple."

I think we often make this meditation stuff too complex, especially vipassana. Vipassana is very simple. Watch your breath at the belly or the tip of the nose until you become settled. Then, pay attention to changing phenomena at whatever level you can. If you can notice swift vibrations in the moment, then do that. If only the gross mind and body process are available to your experience, than notice those. Notice the universal characteristics, particularly that of transience and nonself. Suffering will arise as well, when you get uncomfortable and wish to change positions or get past the feelings of the present. That's all. It's very simple.

You will move through the stages naturally as you practice. Certain sensations come along that may scare you, or excite you, and it may take some time to learn how to relax into your experience in order to relate to each flavor or experience in a new way. As you do, progress will continue.

Do not worry about getting enlightened, or about stream-entry, or cessation/fruition, or any of that. It happens in an organic way when practice ripens as it does. That's all there is to it.

You should ask your friends and teachers for help when it is needed, and hopefully they will provide good advice for you. But ultimately, your job is to return to your experience again and again, with mindfulness an honesty. Notice what is true and become free."

word

"Jackson,

Sorry it took so long to reply but at has been happening to me since I started using your suggestions! I have been practicing what you mentioned and sitting with all the feelings that come up. It was really scary but very enlightening. I sat with the feelings of anxiety and really acknowledged it and asked it what does it have to tell me. Then, an awareness of a deep sadness came over me and tears started streaming down my face. I sat with the sadness and acknowledged that too. I won't make this too long and leave it for my journal notes but just had to tell you THANKS!!! This really seemed to "soften" my anxiety and other things that came up. This brought about an "awakening" of sorts. I am keeping up with this and I appreciate your wisdom!

All the best,
Nyingje"


This is very interesting, Nyingje, as it shows that transcending negative emotions through dry choiceless awareness is not sufficient, unless we ask that emotion or negative feeling what it is trying to tell us. Sometimes it turns out to be something very sweet and innocent. Negative emotions are often like crying babies.

"Sometimes it turns out to be something very sweet and innocent. Negative emotions are often like crying babies." ~Alex

Yes!

"
Sometimes it turns out to be something very sweet and innocent. Negative emotions are often like crying babies.





"

Alex,
It would seem as if I have a nursery of "crying babies" lately. My stress level these past few weeks has skyrocketed and it is causing me to loose steam with the noting. I feel like my choo-choo train somehow slid back down the hill and I am noting the "I think I can, I think I can."

Nyingje

"I feel like my choo-choo train somehow slid back down the hill and I am noting the 'I think I can, I think I can.'" ~Nyingje

Something tells me you haven't slid "back" down the hill, but "forward" down the hill. In other words, it sounds like "dark night" or "dukkha ñanas" (same thing) stuff to me. Don't worry too much about getting back to the way things were. That's just not how things are right now. Notice how things are right now, and don't expect conditions to return to their pre-dark night shimmery luster. Things will change at some point, but probably not in the way you expect. Remain open minded, dive in, and cradle the crying babies. It's OK that they're crying, by the way. There's no need to try and change it. Just listen.

~Jackson

Omni's practice notes (44)

O:"I kept noting all along and saw that there was LOTS of annoyance, even some anger. And I'm certainly not proud to say: almost no empathy. There were some brief moments of compassion. But all the (very silent) subtle thoughts of how things *should be* ("she has no reason to cry now, she's fed, her diaper is clean, why just now when I finally have some time for myself?") resulted in out of proportion thoughts and feelings of annoyance." -omnipleasant

K:Wonderful! It's only when we abandon the posture of the "good Buddhist" that we find out what the devil is going on here.

Freedom comes from turning toward the feelings that arise, whether noble or loathsome. The habitual tendency to pretend to be "good" becomes an impediment because we take it up like a cloak and try to live in it. Having embraced the role of "good person," we reject any evidence to the contrary. We turn our faces away from the mule we're riding and long for the chimera. But the chimera is a mythical being. The only life you have is the one under your nose. When you turn toward it instead of away, you see that all of these sensations, thoughts, and mind-states are changing moment by moment. You cannot put stock in any of it. It's like the wind blowing across your face; sometimes it is cool and refreshing, sometimes it blows grit in your eyes. It isn't you. And even the sensations that come together to create "you" are just more thoughts and sensations. The sense of self has no more or less status than an itch. It's just stuff, coming and going. This is where freedom lies. You can, paradoxically, be much more intimate with your life because you are no longer turning away from the things you deem unacceptable. Freedom lies in acceptance of the whole package, not in rejecting half of it and longing for a sanitized version of who you are now.

Again, dunno if this is helpful, but maybe...

Try letting the babies become aware that they are crying.