Jarrod's Practice Notes

Another 30 minutes sit this morning. More and more I'm finding a strong pull towards developing concentration over insight while in the middle of a sit. Nature's way of keeping me balanced I suppose. I intended to start with some breath counting then shift to noting through the 4Fs and bystander. Like yesterday, I never quite made it. I had a bit of a wandering mind for the first 10 minutes or so, but settled in nicely after that. As I intended to start noting Thoughts, it just didn't feel right and I couldn't really stop the breath counting. This wasn't an auto-pilot thing, but it just felt right in the moment, more natural, and quite pleasant. So, I just stuck with it. I am note clearly sensing the shift between nanas, as I thought I once could. Maybe this is a by-product of doing concentration practice and I'm moving through jhanas, rather than nanas, per se? Either way, stable states did arise, and I tried to at least investigate the states a bit, even if I couldn't quite do some bystander noting. At least in the last few minutes, the stability could be described as light (both in the sense of weight and visual brightness behind the eyes), a seemingly erect posture (although there was minimal sense or concern about the body itself), and general calmness and quiet. Overall quite pleasant, but there was the underlying sense of something being unresolved. I got some relief from this when I noted it, but not total relief. It was more like it was still there, but temporarily masked by the increase in the stability qualities. My timer went off and the sit felt like it flew by. I could have sat much much longer. I'm feeling a strong desire to sit longer and longer and trying to find a way to work it into my schedule.

Another 30 minute sit this morning, starting with a few cycles of counting the breath then switching to noting body sensations. The 'stable' sensation came on pretty quickly today. After body sensation, I did another 2 or 3 cycles of counting the breath and felt 'locked in' as I moved to noting feeling tones. A vast majority were noted as pleasant, a few of neutrals. I noted some tension in the back as unpleasant, but it really wasn't. Typically it is unpleasant, so I noted it as such, but it wasn't really that bothersome. A couple more cycles of counting the breath, then I started noting emotions. There weren't many arising, so the noting was slow. Mostly contentment and peace, which would linger for a bit. A small amount of anxiety and a couple of waves of curiosity and excitement. Back to counting the breath. The stability was strong even though there were a couple of times when my concentration seemed to waver a bit. That was a bit odd. Even during the wandering, I was still aware of the stability and pleasant sensations. I switched to noting the rise and fall of the abdomen, which was pretty subtle by this point. Sometimes the noting was in threes (rising, rising, rising, then falling, falling, falling). Other times, it was slower and smooth (riiiissssiiiinnnng, then faaaaallllliiiinnng). Either way, after noting the falling, I noted various combinations of sitting, pressure, numbness, itching, before noting the rising again. All this was very smooth and easy and I was able to stick with the abdomen for quite some time. Eventually a bright waviness arose . I noticed it but stuck with the abdomen at least for a few moments. When my concentration wavered, I went to counting the breath and as soon as I did the brightness quickly dropped away as the concentration picked back up. Time's up.

Tried kasina practice for the first time today. I got a taste of the power of the practice but I did not enter into a jhana. I don't think the conditions were quite right this time. I propped up a bowl and after a brief period of counting the breaths to settle in, I focused on the bowl. Initially, I had a lot of wandering mind because I was trying to get comfortable with the practice. A lot of questioning how I should do it. Should I keep a hard focus on the bowl or let my eyes fall into a soft focus? Or just let it do what it wants? My eyes tended to soften, which I just let happen. Occasionally they would soften to the point of seeing two bowls. I continued to just bring the attention back to the bowl and I could feel my concentration increasing relatively quickly. Eventually, my contact lenses really started to bother me (poor condition #1: I should have started a new pair this morning but did not). I tried to stick with it but rather than fight it I just closed my eyes and switched to counting the breath. This helped, but lead to poor condition #2: sleepiness. I had a poor night sleep last night because of a very intense (but totally worth it!) thunderstorm. So, in the end, no jhana, but I did have a decent amount of focus, with absolutely no body movement for the entire sit, and a small amount of heavy but nice relaxation over the body. I'm eager to try this again with some better conditions.

45 minute kasina sit today with more success than yesterday. I was fighting some sleepiness for the first 15-20 minutes or so which was frustrating. But, I stuck with it and continually returned to the bowl. Persistence paid off. Eventually, everything clicked and I found the right groove. I noticed a subtle pulsing sensation rising up in my body, so I relaxed into that. This gave me a quick burst of energy, then from there the focus on the bowl was strong. No more sleepiness. Pleasure and excitement were strong and my vision narrowed and some tunnel vision kicked in. The periphery of my vision was fuzzy or cloudy and the bowl was prominent. A small halo started to surround the bowl. It alternated green and purple in color then went away, then back to green. It cycled like this for awhile. The edges of the bowl started to quiver a bit and the top half eventually disappeared for occasion brief moments. There was clearly a bit of effort needed to sustain this state. I noticed a decrease in concentration and thought perhaps that was a sign of a shift through 2nd and 3rd nana onto 2nd jhana. It didn't quite seem to catch on though. I found the pulsing sensation again and rode that. Exhilaration increased and I had an increase in eye tension and a bit of fluttering. It didn't quite seem to stick though. I suspect this was the edge of the 2nd jhana, but can't say for sure. The sensations are certainly different from just counting the breath with closed eyes, so I think it will take a few tries to get familiar with the territory. Very interesting practice to say the least though.

(Go Celtics!)

35 minute kasina sit this morning. I had trouble getting jhana to 'stick' although certain sensations definitely arose. It seems to take about 20 minutes or so before anything definitive presents itself. The first 20 minutes consist of continually bringing focus back to the bowl I've set up. I've tried mentally noting 'bowl, bowl' too, which seems to help quiet the mind a bit. Eventually I did get the tunnel vision effect and some green halos again. There was a strong upward pulling at the top of my head with some tension then fluttering in my eyes and my posture became quite stiff. There was some excitement and joy associated with this. None of these sensations would last more than a few seconds at a time, however. Each would come and go, sometimes all together, but they were all fleeting.

The past week or so has been all about concentration. I seem to be to the point where I cannot avoid entering at least first jhana even if I tried not to. I seem to be topping out at 3rd jhana as long as I sit long enough (50+ minutes). For the 30-40 minute sits, I'm entering first jhana after 15-20 minutes, then usually a pretty soft second jhana around the 30 minute mark.

At Kenneth's suggestion I added a few minutes of walking meditation before sitting today. That did seem to get some momentum going before even starting the sit, so that was good. Unfortunately, once I sat I was fighting off major sleepiness which seemed to cancel out the good momentum I established. I was listening to a guided meditation that I've had some good success with before, but today I couldn't follow it without dozing off. OK fine, time to try a different tool from the yogi toolbox. Rather than strive for jhana when the conditions weren't right, I switched to bystander noting to at least have a productive sit. I was noting "See how it is sleepy" quite often. Eventually the sleepiness faded and the noting seemed to perk me up. I was noting out loud and with my eyes open. A small spot on the wall in front of me caught my eye and I found myself focusing on it and soon the narrow stability of first jhana was arising. I can run but can't hide from concentration it seems.

I closed my eyes and started breath counting. Concentric circles started flowing behind my eyelids. I find if I use Kenneth's pinch the nose technique at this point, then I do clearly get pulled up and enter first jhana. This happened today and a wave of excitement flew over me. Not sleepy anymore! I kept with the breath counting, felt the slipping of concentration in the 2nd and 3rd nanas, then pow! Bright lights and a growing ball of pressure appear. I let my awareness follow the growing pressure and it feels good.

continued ...

This lasted briefly, then a strong pin prick sensation appeared on my cheek. This has happened before but has been in my ear. I focused on this and it grew in intensity. There is some tension involved here because overall the growing pressure ball feels great and there's a lot of happiness associated with it, but the pin prick is intense and feels like it needs some resolution. In a prior sit, the pin prick burst into a euphoric feeling and then disbursed and I felt great relief. Today, it was more of a subtle fizzle. This very relieving, but no fireworks. Instead, the pin prick was gone and I became only aware of my hands on my knees. My torso was gone. There was a lot of lateral outward pulling going on, as opposed to the previous growing ball of pressure, which was more 3D and growing outward from my diaphragm area. Here there was no diaphragm and the pressure was confined to a 2D line pulling equally left and right. After a minute or so of this a strong pain came over my legs. I tried to shift to alleviate the pain, but it became too much of a distraction and stopped the sit after about 55 minutes.

30 minute sit this morning working on concentration by the breath counting method. I suspect that I may have noticed the descent back down the jhanic arc for the first time. I started as usual and eventually felt first jhana nearby. I did the mental nose pinch and got the usual excited energy surge coupled with an increased stability to my posture. Bringing awareness from the breath generally (with the breath counting) to the more narrow location right at the nostrils with the mental nose pinch really does seem to do the trick to sort of lock in these sensations. This lasted for a couple of minutes, then I felt the concentration slipping a bit. I returned to the breath counting and eventually I felt the outward expansion and brightness behind my eyes that I believe is second jhana. Overall, very pleasant sensations dominated for a few minutes, including a smile I couldn't wipe off my face.

From here, my experience was different today compared to other sits. The fullness and outward expansion that I was feeling started to reverse and I could feel a tangible feeling of descending as everything seemed to deflate. Whereas the fullness and brightness had my awareness mostly at and above my head, I now felt like I was descending back into my body. Some aches and pains of the posture become more noticeable, although they were not too strong. I certainly got the sense that I was coming back down to earth and just then a got a little ripple of excitement and saw the green concentric circles behind my closed eyes (which I've come to associate with occurring just prior to 'entering' the first jhana.) The order these sensations occurred makes me think I was watching the descent.

I'm not sure why I started descending at this point versus continuing up the arc, since I feel relatively sure that I have tapped into 3rd jhana a couple of times. Either way, if this was the descent it was pretty cool to watch and feel it.

I'm really starting to learn the power of making resolutions. It started with Kenneth's suggestion of making a resolution before bed to be aware of whether you wake on the in-breath or out-breath. I've been doing that every night for the past week and it has worked each morning except for 2. Anyway, cool stuff that has been helpful in keeping momentum going.

Today, I applied it to my actual sit. I wanted to get the hang of entering jhana, so I resolved to clearly enter the first 3 and to learn how to do it.

I sat and counted the breath and once I had a good amount of concentration I tried to enter first jhana with the mental nose pinch technique. I tend to get a buzz in my legs and the green concentric circles, then with a tight focus at the nostrils it all locks in and the excitement sort of passes over me.

This lasted a couple of minutes then started to pass. My concentration remained pretty strong, so I just worked on relaxing into the sensations. Eventually I felt a subtle internal undulation that was growing outward. I took this as a sign that 2nd jhana was nearby. I tried Kenneth's suggestion of watching the back of the eyelids and soaking in. I found that if I did this while sorting of looking up and relaxing my body that 2nd jhana locked in. Hooray! Bright lights! It was almost like a mental reclining chair. If I relaxed and pointed awareness upwards, I just eased right in.

This lasted briefly. Now the challenging part since I haven't consistently entered 3rd jhana. Again, Kenneth's suggestion was helpful: turn awareness to the sensations on the skin. This caused everything to flip. It almost felt like I was sitting backwards and the undulation turned and went up my back and over my head (hard to explain). The bright lights dimmed and I chilled for a bit. I intentionally tried to go back down the arc, which seemed to work quite well.

My last two sits would best be categorized as extremely still and quiet, but I have not experienced the clear shifts into jhana that I've been feeling over the past couple of weeks. I have found an increase in sleepiness, so when this happens I do switch to noting, including the noting the sleepiness and the frustration of the apparent back-slide in progress relative to discovering jhanas. Nevertheless, the stillness and quiet is quite relaxing and rejuvenating. Two other things that were predominant in the past two sits:

1. While I didn't experience the typical sensations that I've come to associate with jhana, I did briefly feel a strange sort of energy flow. There was a strong upward pressure which caused my head/chin to lift up and my body to lean back. I tried not to resist too much, but I also didn't want to tip over! I noted the pressure and it passed after a few minutes.

2. As I've switched to noting, I've become much more aware of body sensations, including the discomfort from the sitting posture. Nothing new there, and I just note the sensations as usual. What has been new is the extreme determination I've had to remain completely still and not give in to the desire to move to a more comfortable position. I note the determination and the physical sensations, then move on. I only point this out as something that has been much more extreme than usual, which seems to be adding to the overall stillness and quiet of the sits generally.

Interesting sit this morning. I've noticed that I may be setting up a glass ceiling in my practice. I have become increasingly familiar with 1st and 2nd jhana and have had only fleeting experience with 3rd. In my determination to better understand the 3rd, I see that I may be setting myself up not to get beyond it. So I made a resolution to get a 'glimpse' of the 4th jhana after progressing through the previous 3 in order. After a couple of minutes of walking, I sat and started counting the breath. My concentration felt strong. After a couple of minutes, my focus narrowed tightly around the nostrils and had a very nice surge of excitement wash over me. This sustained itself for a few seconds then slowly passed. Uncomfortable body sensations bubbled up, but I maintained good concentration. I felt some stability coming on and tried to open up to it. A strength in posture and stability arose and increased, and brightness behind the eyelids increased. I had a huge surge of joy, which lasted just a brief moment. I came back to the breath then shifted focus to the skin. I seemed to stall here for a bit, until I felt a surge of internal warmth, then an external buzz on the arms. Together, it felt like I suddenly broke out in a cold sweat. This felt good at first but was becoming increasingly uncomfortable. It didn't last too long, but a dull pain in my stomach kicked in. I tried to relax into it, which seemed to help. Then I had an intense cramping on the left side of my face at the upper neck/jaw area,. I tensed up at first then tried to relax into it as with the stomach pain. As I relaxed, a nice calm came over me, the cramping stopped and the stomach pain decreased but was still in the background. It was very bright white behind my eyes. This lasted only a couple of seconds. If this was 4th jhana, it was definitely just a 'glimpse' as I could feel a descent coming on. Most of the same sensations presented themselves in reverse order.

Curious:
1. When you write "jhana" do you mean vipassana jhana or samatha jhana?
2. Why are you determined to not change to a more comfortable sittng position?
THANKS

When I say jhana I mean samatha jhana. Although, honestly, I'm still trying to get my head around the difference. Over the past few weeks I've been more explicit about doing samatha rather than vipassana. With counting the breath and kasinas, moving through the "strata of mind" has been much clearer for me and I've come across very distinct states. So, I think it is safe to say these are samatha jhanas (although not necessarily "hard" ones).

As far as not getting comfortable, it wasn't a conscious decision to do that. It just happened in the sit I had yesterday. Usually, if I'm uncomfortable, I would notice the discomfort and then notice the associated desire to shift positiion. This would usually be followed by an actual shift. In this particular sit, I noticed the discomfort but couldn't help but notice a complete lack of desire to move. Instead I noticed (and noted) a rise in determination to maintain the stillness that was there.

Is this making any sense?

"When I say jhana I mean samatha jhana. Although, honestly, I'm still trying to get my head around the difference. Over the past few weeks I've been more explicit about doing samatha rather than vipassana. With counting the breath and kasinas, moving through the "strata of mind" has been much clearer for me and I've come across very distinct states. So, I think it is safe to say these are samatha jhanas (although not necessarily "hard" ones).

As far as not getting comfortable, it wasn't a conscious decision to do that. It just happened in the sit I had yesterday. Usually, if I'm uncomfortable, I would notice the discomfort and then notice the associated desire to shift positiion. This would usually be followed by an actual shift. In this particular sit, I noticed the discomfort but couldn't help but notice a complete lack of desire to move. Instead I noticed (and noted) a rise in determination to maintain the stillness that was there.

Is this making any sense?"

YES, thanks.

Anytime. Thanks for reading.

A few minutes of walking meditation followed by a 30 minute sit. Sat and started counting the breath. Was met with immediate buzzing on the surface of the head. I watched and counted the breath at the torso and was able to follow the breath closely very quickly. Focused narrowed to the nostrils, following the tickle of the breath as it passed in and out. Had a brief surge of energy pass over my body coupled with an increase in excitement. This passed quickly. Continued to follow the breath at the nostrils. Itchiness and numbness in the legs increase along with some tension and tightness in the upper back. Consciously relaxed and came back to the nostrils. Posture stiffens and becomes erect. Feeling great. Slight increase in brightness behind eyelids, where my focus shifts to. Focus remains here for a few moments, then broadens outward. Notice sounds outside and buzzing on arms. Slight chill. Feeling doubtful. Consciously relax. Feel increase in calmness, which caused more relaxation, which causes more calm, etc. Feeling good. I start noting sensations. Pressure, calm, relaxation, sitting, pressure. Notice thoughts, planning, image thoughts, memory. I note rise and fall of abdomen and notice that thoughts follow slowly. Thoughts and sensations move slowly like they are underwater. I feel a descending sensation, falling back into my body. Feeling calm and relaxed.

Extreme lack of concentration in this morning's sit. Started with a few minutes of walking and I thought I had built up some good momentum. Set the timer for 30 minutes and sat. Concentration wavered. I was counting the breath and only very rarely got past a count of 4 for the first several minutes. Eventually, it felt a bit stronger. Tried to narrow the focus to the nostrils. This would bring on waves of excitement and vibrations over the body, but they were fleeting. Opened up and continued counting. Tried to bring the focus to the nostrils again. Same thing. Brief wave, then nothing. Ok, this will be a vipassana day. Started with rising and falling of abdomen. Rising, rising, rising, falling, falling, falling, siting, pressure, relaxing, rising, rising, etc. Felt stable, and sensations slowed down a bit. Tried to sink into each sensation. Switched to feeling tone. Mostly pleasant notes with some neutral. Very few unpleasant. Switched to emotions. Starting wishing I was concentrating better: noted the disappointment, frustration, etc. Switched to thoughts. Lots of strange fantasy spinning thoughts and planning thoughts. Switched to bystander noting. Hit a groove and was noting smoothly and balance among the 4Fs. Then the buzzer went off. Despite the disappointment, overall affect of the day has been chipper so far.

"Ok, this will be a vipassana day." Ha! I can totally relate to everything in that last one. Thanks for sharing.
I periodically have to remind myself not to judge the 'quality' of my sits. It was a revelation for me to learn about noting and to realize that you really can't fail... that spending 30 minutes noting wandering thoughts, frustration, etc is just as good as noting pleasant concentration, etc. It's still very easy for me to forget that in the moment though.

Yes! I seem to forget it all the time. When things are pleasant and altered states kick in, it is so easy to say to yourself that you are making progress. Therefore, my mind convinces me, if I don't feel pleasant I must not be making progress. The "rational mind" can be a tricky devil. I'm trying to have efficient or productive sits, rather than aiming for altered or pleasant sits. Easier said than done.

As usual, started with some walking then about a 30 min sit. There was some nice stillness and quiet right from the start of the sit. The concentration that went missing yesterday, found its way back. Kept with the breath at the diaphragm for a few minutes, then narrowed in at the nostrils. Every time I narrow in, I get this buzzing energy washing over me coupled with excitement. I noticed today that if I let is just wash over in a relaxed way it will pass through then vanish by the end of the out-breath. I can probably get another wave by focusing back in at the nostrils. BUT, if as it is passing through I actively engage it while at the same time relaxing the body and maintain contact with it through the out-breath, then it will stick around. Then it is as if I'm hovering in it, rather than it passing through. Anyway, stuck with this sensation for a bit, then it passed. Maintained concentration, increase in body sensations, then the sensation of strong solidity and firm posture kicked in. Lasted a few moments, then felt an overall buzzing surrounding me. This was followed by some intense cramping in my left thigh. Tried to relax into it. Then some tension and cramping on the left side of my neck. More conscious relaxation. Rising feelings of doubt and confusion. Just tried to sit with it all and come back to the breath. Become very aware of the room I was sitting in. Awareness felt big. I tried to bring it back towards me and found that this caused some pressure/buzzing around the third eye area. If I let go, it would spread out to the room. If I pulled it back in, it would cause the third eye buzzing. I played with this for a bit. Buzz, relax, buzz, relax. Felt a descent coming on and rode down the arc.

I've had several set backs over the past few days. I was out of town for the long weekend and had trouble finding time to sit. Of course, this is not totally unusual and is remedied by upping the ante with noting practice during daily life, but it was frustrating this weekend since I've been trying to develop my concentration skills (not quite as easy to do while balancing time with in-laws and a teething toddler). I think the lack of momentum has caused increased doubt in what I've been experiencing. I am confident of what 1st jhana feels like with the tightness of focus at the nostrils and the waves of buzzing excitement. Beyond that I'm no longer sure. Perhaps the rise in energy and brightness are later stages of 1st jhana rather than the start of 2nd. Same for the cool buzzing energy on the skin. Is it some other quality of 1st that I've incorrectly associated with 3rd? In a sit on Saturday night, I felt this cool buzzing energy, but then felt many prickly sensations around the nose and mouth. Shouldn't these sensations drop away after 1st and 2nd? Or maybe they were a glimpse into the whack-a-mole sensations of the dukkha nanas? Not sure. This morning, with this confusion in mind, I tried to drop any manipulation of states and just focus on the breath counting. No other agenda. This felt great and was extremely relaxing, but a little bit too relaxing as my mind was much more prone to wandering than usual. It can be tough to find the right balance between concentration and effort.

Long time, no post. Nearly 2 weeks! Had been struggling a couple of weeks ago, but after a couple of great calls with Kenneth I'm back on track. Today I sat for 40 min or so after about 5 minutes of walking. Sat and settled in with some breath counting. After concentration was strong I started noting body sensations (out loud). Sitting, pressure, itching, heat, etc. Heat was noted frequently. Watched that more closely. Turns out it was subtle tingling on my torso. Pressure, itching, tingling, tingling, relaxing. Rising energy. Tingling, rising, pressure, rising. Brightness behind eyes. Brightness, rising, brightness, relaxing. Dropped out loud noting and watched the brightness. Raised awareness to 3rd eye and brightness started flickering. Mentally noted the flickering. Eyes started twitching. Searched for pattern in flickering. Seemed chaotic. Lowered attention from 3rd eye and breathed in the pleasantness. Noted pleasant and let it wash over me. Moved attention back up and noted the flickering again. More rhythmic this time. Searched for stopping points. Tough to catch. Struggled a bit. Lowered attention again to take a hit of the good stuff. Brought awareness up again. This time had complete control over flickering. Could play with the frequency by bringing attention up or down. Still tough to find the stopping point. Started to lose the flickering. Everything seemed to be smoothing out. Sat with the smoothness. Itchy sensations and tension became more dominant. Noted those. Itch on my face was persistent. Stuck with it. It started to slide across my face then became quick pricks instead of constant sharp pressure. Then it fizzled away. Turned attention back upwards and the flickering returned. Chaotic again. Played with the height of the awareness. Same as before, eventually found control over it. Lost it again after a few minutes.

[cont...]

[...cont]

Brought attention back down but this time it was more difficult to settle in. When I brought the attention back up, the flickering was there but no clear pattern. Back down and even then there was some flickering. Overall, this was disorienting. I was getting a bit dizzy and felt some spinning sensation. Breathed into it and tried not to fight it. Eventually found a little stability again. Found the flickering and tried to find the stopping points. Still tough. Lowered the attention and settled in to a real nice feeling. Total contentment. Didn't want to go back up to find the flickering. But I did. Started to get the control over it like before then felt a sensation of dropping down. Started to lose the flickering. Resisted this at first because I didn't want to go back down. No no no! I just gave into though and it was kind of cool to feel the descent.

Sat for another 40 minutes this morning. I've found that I really just want to sit all the time! Today was very similar to yesterday except that all along the flickering was much smoother. It was even tougher to find those stopping points. Went through a long stretch of discomfort and strange tension in my chin/neck/jaw. This was coupled with the same sort of dizziness as yesterday but less intense. Eventually got through that and the sit was smooth sailing, but like I said the flickering was smoother. There was no clear descent, but just a sense that I was done for this sit.

Same process this morning. Again the flickering has been very steady (sin wave like) or smooth in the sense of no clear endings. Most of the sit today was just nice and peaceful. No fireworks or anything unusual. Just very nice peace and quiet mentally and physically, which was a good way to start the work week. My overall affect for the day has been contentment, despite a relatively stressful day at work. I've found that the flickering is easily accessible at any time, which in a way is comforting. Very often throughout the day, I would check in with the flickering. During these times, it wasn't quite as smooth and regular as during my recent sits. More staccato. I challenged myself to take a moment to explore them and try to find the endings every hour or so. At times the frequency of the flickering would slow down quite a bit and it seemed more manageable to investigate them. Interesting.