Nikolai's Practice Notes

Continued from above..

Now to the 7th. The focus shifts away from the central sense of a presence to a seemingly unfocused focus. A focus on "nothing". It's almost like there is no focus. The eyes are relaxed and not focusing on anything but the mind is focused on the fact that nothing is being focused on. A focus on nothingness. I like this jhana. It is really restful. Again, the sublte vibrations within the body of the 4th are still felt but the primary focus is the mental focus on "nothingness".

Then the shift to the 8th. There seems to be a focusing inwards towards the pressure point behind the brow, the third eye area, perhaps the pineal gland. There is a slight tension at that point as the mind gets drawn inwards almost creating the feeling of cross eyes. This is why I feel there is a similarity to the technique Kenneth talks about in order to experience nirodha samapatti. Shining an imaginary torch at that point behind the brow. The 8th jhana has a very similar feel to it and this makes me think this is why it is traditionally the jumping point to nirodha samapatti. The perception drops in and out. The mind is not losing consciousness but rather the registering of phenomena is dropping in and out back and forth from registering for a moment then not registering anything. A very cool jhana indeed.

Continued from above...

Then the jumbled mess I mentioned earlier. Well, this last sit, I went up and down the jhanic arc at least three times and every time the experience of each jhana became more concentrated and clearer. From the mental semi-shutdown feel of the 8th jhana the mind shifts from the mental focus of perception and non-perception to a full body absorbtion. The vibrations seem to vibrate at a faster rate and feel subtler than the 4th jhana ones. The brow chakra feel like it has been plugged up. A slight pressure is felt directly there and the Witness state feels like it becomes "lighter" less prominent and feels as if it is floating. There is a slight upwards movement in the vibrations and it gives the feeling of exhilaration and thoughts of "Wow, thank god I am here", a feeling I could associate with feeling grateful.

A new absorbtion I experienced after this last one. The vibrations that felt like they stopped at the brow move upwards to the crown. The whole focus shifts upwards and the vibrations becomes much lighter and faster and the focus seems to shift to the upper chest and upwards taking in the whole head. The feeling is like I am floating on air. This state has a much more restful quality to it. The Witness is slightly affected in these last two states. Like it disperses somewhat. hard to describe.

Then from this one it is back down the arc.

Continued from above...

After the 3rd cycling through the jhanas, I decided to make the resolution to experience nirodha samapati. I willed the mind to move up the jhanas as fast as it wished. Having just done a few rounds of the jhanic arc the mind was extremely blissful, clear, concentrated and the jhanas took on these qualities. They felt much deeper and clearer. The mind shifted from each after a minute or so at each one. Then to the 8th. Then again into the darkening absorbtion as the mind sinks into something. There seems to be some flickering off of parts of the mind, the "I" starts losing "shape" so to speak, things of which i can't tell as yet, seem to shutdown. There seems to be a sequence as to what shuts down first but I can't tell what it is yet. Then , blip, or rather bliiiiiiiiiiiiip! It feels like it lasts longer than a normal fruition but I really can't tell as I am not sure how long I really am out for. But it seems like a couple of seconds by the TV playing in the background. I just let the mind do what it wanted and it continued to sink down, blip, unsink, sink down blip, unsink. Every time the mind unsinks, there is a very strong release of blissful vibrations throughout the body, mind completely dispersed. I let this go on for 20 minutes or so. Extremely restful and blissed out at the moment.

Anyway, that's where I am at the moment.

Metta to all!!!

Edited to include: Kenneth, I like the new Vipassana blue look of the site. Nice!

Great descriptions Nikolai, sounds like good progress.
I also like the new blue look.

Hey Nick thanks for posting. Our experiences with the concentration states are very similar...

I have not felt any pull to write about my practice lately as everything flows along like a sweet song. I still have moments of dark night and high equanimity, I am constantly visiting hell and visiting heaven. But as the days pass, I am becoming more accustomed to these visits. I am feeling more and more peaceful in both. More and more "above it all". I am seeing what Kenneth keeps going on about....be happy in heaven and hell. The cycling wont ever stop so I am going to be at peace with it. This is what I want, but it is also what seems to be happening to me automatically. I sit, I note, I dwell as the Witness, the Witness occasionally drops away for several moments for some pristine ISness. I continue to disembed. I continue to get happier as I progress.

Continued from above..


Last year, I hated where I was. Of course I was hardcore dark nighting it. I hated Chile, I hated Santiago. I hated my job. I hated where my life was going. I was a wound up semi renunciate. Didn't participate in society. Was a 5 sila observing neurotic.

But now that I have popped my top, and the process of shifting the perception of reality has begun, I am a completely different person. I am less in some ways and so much more in others. Less neurotic, much less angry, less depressed (not really depressed anymore) , less anal about sila, more accepting of people, more patient, more fun and funnier, more open, more the "me" that I always wanted to be. I love it! And the biggest change which I love is the fact that I don't worry as much. In fact, I hardly worry anymore. It is an amazing development for me because I have always been the biggest worrier. Life is becoming easier to deal with. I don't hate Chile, Santiago, my job (well, I would still like to change it and I will be soon) Nor do I shy away from participating in society. Yesterday i screamed my head off when Chile played Spain in the World Cup with the university students I teach..haha! I go out for a drink now and then with my fiance adn laugh and dance. I feel alive and happy for the first time in a bloody long time. Semi enlightenment agrees with me and full enlightenment is just going to be even better. Here's to being a happy human being!!!!!

Hey all,

I guess I should update my practice. I find it hard, or rather I just don't have any thought occur or even a desire arise to type something down. (except for now, but I am kind of forcing myself to keep a record of what is happening to me)

My brain has changed. That much I know. The sense of self is so much less now. It sometimes drops away all together. But I feel this niggling feeling of "not feeling right" so I guess I've still got insight disease. There is a subtle,subtle sense of "I", to be truthful. But damn is it subtle. It feels like there is this endless space in my mind and as soon as I close my eyes, the mind is automatically in an absorbed state. And the calm that seems to pervade it is quite a development. I still react occasionally and get embedded in a fleeting emotion like anger but it really doesn't last that long now. Maybe 10 seconds and the mind "let's that formation go", and the sensation is all that remains and then that even disappears shortly after. I can truly see the development of a teflon mind here.

Continued from above..

A big difference I am seeing is how I act, for example, when I have a bunch of difficult lessons to prepare for a business company I work at teaching English lessons. I feel no major pull to worry (there is a slight remnant of worry still compared to how it felt previous to this new state of being) Previously, I would be worrying my arse off feeling all sorts of stress. Now, I feel positively "on top of it all". "No need to worry, I'll prepare something. I am capable!" .

Previously, even though I felt capable , I would still worry my arse off. So Stressful. But now...man!.. I sometimes have even rocked up to my work without a lesson prepared and invented up a lesson from thin air. Or rather my capacity to rely on my own knowledge has increased as this worry that was so in my face for the majority of my life just doesn't occur like it did. The sensations that are associated with worry still arise in those situations, but the mind or the subtle, subtle sense of "I" doesn't get pulled into it, but stays disembedded automatically from it. Honestly, there is a slight tug-o-war with the "I" to react and embed. But it is so slight now and all it takes is to start noting it in detail for it to lose all power over "I" and for the mind to disembed and allow for those sensations and thoughts to play themselves out without causing misery to "myself". This seems to be getting more and more automatic. Noting and dwelling in the Witness! I can't recommend this combination enough. I attribute all my progress in these past months to these two practices. Kenneth, you really have streamlined this whole enlightenment thing.

Continued from above...
I really have nothing to say about my sits. They would sound like any of the previous explanations of what i am doing. I've continued to ride the arc in the past few days as I have been feeling very equanimous, calm and very ok with the world. My fiance is really enjoying this fact. I have been accessing at least two separate experiences after the 8th jhana. They are still full body blissful absorptions which really make all the other absorptions pale in comparison. There are very subtle vibrations throughout the body in and out, and the focus is on the third eye where it feels slightly plugged up. There is a sense that i am happily thankful for something in this state. Then the mind will shift up to the crown and the Witness really feels like it dissipates somewhat, like it has almost dropped away leaving just a hint of itself. The focus is more on the head area and upper chest. Kenneth mentioned to me that this is more like a formless jhana and I have to agree, it feels like the rest of the body is ignored and this is all accompanied by much subtler blissful vibrations which feel much lighter and seem to move upwards for me.

Continued from above...
I don't get the third eye headache anymore. It has been replaced by some slight pressure and at times that pressure breaks up and feels like a very pleasant flow of energy/vibrations. I am, however, occasionally getting hard pressure at the crown . I have experienced this previously, but to a much more intense degree.

Today, I had about an hour of not quite an "iron skull cap" feel but sharp momentary pains that came and went directly on the top of the crown area. But it has now shifted to a slight pressure with sublte vibrations. As we speak it seems to be bubbling away there. When I focus my attention there I feel the mind automatically shifts upwards into a mental absorbed state. Very blissful! Wow, I just did it and it feels like the mind automatically shifts up to the second absorption I mentioned experiencing after the 8th jhana. Like I said, my brain has changed.

I occasionally remember to mentally press down on slight ball of pressure behind the 3rd eye and the mind slowly, if concentration holds up, starts shutting down . Certain things flick off in order and the vision goes dark, the mind sinks down into an extremely pleasant absorption and if the concentration still holds up, the mind "touches" something and the lights go out for a second or two. I haven't really tried to go under for longer periods as the desire to do this occurs infrequently. I wish I were in a retreat situation, because it'd be interesting to see how far I could take all this but the desire is just not strong. This aloofness to all this access I have still amazes me. Meh!

I have been asking people to post without speculation and I hope I haven't speculated myself here. I am guilty of it from time to time. All I am saying is that my brain has changed. But as Bill Hamilton said...could get better, could get worse, could stay the same.

Nick,

Just wanted to say thanks for so graciously suggesting I do the same (less speculation). I am really inspired by your progress and honest descriptions of what you are experiencing. It's really great to hear someone who is having such a positive experience and who is able to relay it with clarity.

hey Nic, just read your whole adventure so far...and veery interesting..this sangha really is a jewel.

Lots of good tips on noteing, and persuasive demonstration of the efficacy of bystander which for now apparently trivial reasons I havent practiced! Thanks for that especially!

I'd be really curious to hear what your take is on the personal self, the transpersonal self (which kenneth mentions earlier in your log) and the witness and how they would each relate to, say, a chair, and each other...

Thanks for the kind words, mumuwu and sparqi,

I am again forcing myself to post and record my development. I feel I am not sure how I am going to describe what has happened to me since yesterday. But here goes..

I finished work at 3.30pm yesterday and made my way home. On the way, I started paying attention to what was going on in the mind. I then remembered what Jackson said in one of his recent posts...there is no mind, it is an illusion, a fabrication. For some reason this just made complete sense in that moment and I realized I had been feeling a very subtle aversion to the fact that I felt this duality still. As soon as Jackson's quote arose, that subtle tension created by that subtle aversion dropped away and everything arising and passing away was accepted for what it was. Forgive my lack of describing skills....it felt like as soon as I accepted there was aversion to this supposed duality, it was "let go" and things , everything was accepted and let go....cant describe it better than that, things just flowed!

This was all happening while I was on a bus. Then i had to get off and get another bus to go home. As I was walking to get another bus, I maintained this state of awareness and acceptance of everything and it felt like...either I had a very subtle frution that blipped by so fast or some switch was flipped in my head and suddenly my perception was different. It is like some suffering has gone. But I am unsure what the change is. I just know things seem different in my brain and experience. Previously I felt very aloof to my own experience inside...but now it isn't so aloof but more "at home". I feel positively at peace and much much calmer than before.

Continued from above...

To be honest, I had thoughts of..."Did I just complete the circuit?" But soon afterwards I felt some agitation arise centred in the chest. When I got home I tried sitting in the Wtness, but these negative sensations at the chest and then shifting to the throat , made it difficult to do so, so I switched to noting it. Negativity, vibrations, image, vibrations, unpleasant, unpleasant. etc
These negative sensations bubbled and spat for the whole night even after I stopped sitting after 45 minutes. Even though I felt all this negativity, I still felt extremely peaceful and "at home". That is the best way of describing this curent state...I feel so present and comfortable, so , so present.

I have said this plenty of times before haha, but perception is different. It feels like the sense of self has REALLY taken a back step. It really feels like seeing in seeing, feeling in feeling. But I am unsure if the sense of self has gone completely. Sometimes it feels like so, and others it doesnt. I am unsure I have "got it done" so that may be the best signal that I haven't. But damn, does it feel peaceful in my head and body.

I am not making this stuff up. I dont think I could ever make this stuff up. This place has given me free license to be as honest as possible. I feel positively different and so, so at peace. But I think I still have insight disease, but then at times I think I don't. Man, this is all too soon to tell. I have heard third path to be a tricky beast. And I think I am jumping the gun. Could be just high equanimity... but it is different. Dammit, I am speculating!!

Put simply, I felt a shift in perspective yesterday which hasn't dissipated and I should probably give it a lot of time to settle.

This place is awesome. I feel no trepidation for being so honest. Here's to being an open book!!!!

"It really feels like seeing in seeing, feeling in feeling"

Does it feel like everything is exactly the same in one sense, but so much clearer in another (but in a rather undefinable way)? Like the senses are just flowing and there's just no resistance to anything and there is no effort involved in maintaining it?

I sometimes get these really nice moments, but they don't tend to last. If it is the same thing and it is lasting... lucky you

Once again, very exciting to see what you are going through.

""It really feels like seeing in seeing, feeling in feeling"

Does it feel like everything is exactly the same in one sense, but so much clearer in another (but in a rather undefinable way)? Like the senses are just flowing and there's just no resistance to anything and there is no effort involved in maintaining it?

I sometimes get these really nice moments, but they don't tend to last. If it is the same thing and it is lasting... lucky you

Once again, very exciting to see what you are going through. "

Hi mumuwu,

I am sitting here administering Universty exams and at the same time seeing if I am full of BS or not. I sense a subtler sense of Self. So I ain't done yet. But it feels like progress all the same. Time will tell.

And yes, it feels more like what you described....a very continuous flow of seeing in seeing, feeling in feeling. But as I sit here, i am having trouble locating the sublte, sublte "I" that I was feeling previous to what occured yesterday. It seems to have gotten even sublter that it is hard to pinpoint.

I feel a slight doubt and feeling of..."It ain't done yet" so i will run with that intuitive feeling for the moment.

Nick

I had a similar experience a couple weeks ago where I felt the suffering I was creating for myself by striving after whatever is next. Then all of a sudden my ego was no where to be found for a couple hours... After that it became clear again that there was still work to be done. I thought the experience a sign I my immaturity so I didn't post it. Glad to see my dharma brother nick keeping his accounts honest as always

" Here's to being an open book!!!!"

word

Yes. These moments last for mere minutes for me. The first time it happened I was playing ball with my dog a few years back. It has only happened a total of no more than 10 times since then.

It has happened a few times in the past few weeks, but it was merely a glimpse. Mainly when driving the last few times and totally out of the blue, and like what you described usually preceded by some sort of aha-type thought and then boom, nice.

My moments like this have been very fleeting.

Great report, Nik. I know I'm not alone when I say that appreciate your honesty and integrity. It is quite obvious that you are being genuine.

It's common to respond to such events of clarity and non-suffering with the thought, "Wow, am I done?" And I suppose you were done, for whatever length of time it occurred. If you want to step you're game up a bit, you may wish to try responding to those "I'm done!" thoughts by noting, "Oh yes, this too. This too." If no thoughts arise, let it ride.

I'm proud of you, friend, for staying with the practice
~Jackson

Thanks Jackson and Clayton,

It was definitely not it. But I can see perhaps that it was one of those situations that could cause one to think they'd done it. Kind of like what Daniel Ingram experienced several times before he actually got it done for real. For several hours today, I actually thought I had. But now that something seems to have worn off I feel that I still have a bit to do. So definitely not done yet. Hehe! But I really feel like this ride I'm on is going extremely fast and I WILL get it done in this lifetime.

There was still a slight perceptual shift which seems to be very conducive to feeling peaceful. But I just went through two hours of dark night phenomena and I realise I was probably in the high equanimity of an insight cycle most of today and feeling very "enlightened". Haha! Now I feel a little more grounded and am aware that, although I feel much more clarity within the mind, there is still a feeling of "not having completed the circuit".

Thanks all for the support!

So back to truckin...

"I sense a subtler sense of Self. So I ain't done yet."-Nikolai

Hi Nick,

You know you are not done yet because you know you are not done. It has nothing to do with a sense of self. You will always have a sense of self. If you lose your sense of self, you will be insane. You don't want that. What you want is to know that you are done with seeking. And you will know it when you see it.

Forget about models that talk about "eradicating the self." There is no way for you to know what they are talking about in advance. And the fact is, the only people I know who misdiagnosed their own arahatship were people who were working with a faulty model: one that said they would lose their sense of self at that moment. Forget about all that. Most people I know who attained arahatship only claimed it once. That's because they weren't influenced by faulty models that recommend rooting around in your own psyche trying to get rid of yourself. They just did their practice and one day they realized that they were off the ride. Done was what needed to be done. No big deal. No big insights about self or lack thereof. Getting off the ride is just about getting off the ride.

You will have a different relationship to self after 4th Path. You will no longer do what I call "ultimate self-referencing," as in "the buck stops here, 'cause this is me." But you will have "provisional self-referencing." You will know that you are Nick, that you have a relationship and a family and a life that includes a career, etc.

Trust yourself to know it when you see it. The common denominator among all the people I know who have come to the end of seeking: they know it.

Practice the bystander as continuously as you can, give yourself permission to be done, and let things unfold as they will. This isn't about you anyway.

Karuna,

Kenneth

Thanks Kenneth for the much needed slap in the face. I think I needed it.

I know I am still grasping somewhat at certain models. Mostly because I have no idea what to expect. I also know that when i say that the sense of self seems less it is more like it seems less sticky and solid. It seems more fluid and empty. I guess I should explain in those terms perhaps, in degrees of "stickiness"....But I am never good at explaining myself. I always regret the way I describe things later on. The "I", the sense of self seems more impersonal. I know it wont be eradicated as such. But I guess I forget how misleading insinuating something like "eradicating" the self can be.

I understand now why you rely on that definition of arahatship, having that feeling of what needs to be done has been done. I will keep it close to heart.

Thank you so much for this. I really think the fact that you cut out all the unnecessary BS is a major reason for our fast progress here at KFD. You are truly streamlining our practices. And for that I am eternally grateful.

Oh, I am very forgetful. Do we have a scheduled lesson this week?

Nick

"You know you are not done yet because you know you are not done. It has nothing to do with a sense of self. You will always have a sense of self. If you lose your sense of self, you will be insane. You don't want that. What you want is to know that you are done with seeking. And you will know it when you see it.


Practice the bystander as continuously as you can, give yourself permission to be done, and let things unfold as they will. This isn't about you anyway.

Karuna,

Kenneth"

I'm also continuously falling into the alluring trap of models that are conceptually appealing and yet ultimately misleading. And like Nick I'm eternally grateful for the whack of the stick on the back by Kenneth. Cutting through the BS at timely moments is a wonderful gift...

D.