Thitatto's practice blog

Meditated for 1,5 hour today. Still a lot of 3rd eye activity, but it didn't capture my attention with the same force it did yesterday. Including a little bit of 2nd gear and Metta into my practice. Feeling very grateful for this community, and I'm very glad I was finally able to fully commit to this practice. Doesn't feel this claustrophobic sense of being oppressed by a meditation practice and project anymore. In fact it feels much more that I've installed a new operating system for my mind called Kenneth Folk Dharma, that seems to work much more smoothly than the old fragmented lost in a narrative focus that had gone bonkers did. Wanting to weave this practice into all aspects of my life as smoothly, gently and gracefully as I possibly can. May all beings be happy:)

Meditated for 1 hour and 20 min today. I've been having strong anxiety through-out the whole day. Pretty strong contrast compared to yesterday. What is positive is that I don't spin around the same way in my mind looking for a "proxy life solution" when feeling like this. I stay with the body sensations, and I'm confident that I've chosen to follow a meditation system that I think of as my ultimate response to this aspect of life. Pretty rough day, though. Think perhaps I reached lower equanimity at the end of last sit. Still a lot of 3rd eye activity, but concentration has been too week to focus in on that area.

Been having a little fever and not feeling to well today. Still the practice momentum seems strong. Done 50 min of sitting, but through-out the day I've been focusing on the sense of "I AM" and that really gets some strong concentration going. Don't know if I do it correctly, but it is my response to "Who am I?" and it makes me focus / concentrate on the sense of presence or the totality of my experience.

Meditated for 1 hour and 20 min today. Momentum is pretty strong in the evenings, even though I go through a lot of Dark Night related feelings during the day. 3rd eye becomes like a strong focusing point that pulls me in. Will do a little bit more sitting before I go to bed.

Meditated for 2 hours today. I'm still a little bit ill and feverish, and that made me really tune in to kindness and care for myself. Got into a very tender and kind state, noting "kindness," "tenderness," "compassion," "faith," "gratitude," surrender," "acceptance," "letting go," "ease," "joy," etc.

Interesting how being ill could be used as a foundation for what seemed like a very healing meditative experience.

Since I've also been doing "Who am I?" inquires and Metta meditation lately, I find that they blend naturally into my noting as well, when I note "I AMness" and "kindness" and "compassion". Not sure where the boundary between Mahamudra noting and regular noting is, but having regular noting aloud as my foundation, I sometimes just organically move into Mahamudra noting.

I find that being trained in noting aloud now, sometimes when I just sit in my sofa, it becomes more natural to just sit there without any plans for the day, and just note aloud for a few minutes, and then look out into the room and do 2nd gear practice. It feels very natural and like a very gentle way to integrate the practice into daily life.

30 min of meditation today. Busy day. Not much to report.

50 min of meditation today. Pretty rough day again. My practice goes from what feels like "perfect fluency" to floundering. Sometimes I can sit alone in my sofa looking out into the room, doing a little bit of noting, and then tune into I AMness, feeling that having the rest of day without any plans is the greatest luxury ever and that I could live like that, sitting alone in my sofa, for the rest of my life. On a day like today I spin around in old "identity building projects" all day, with my mind desperately searching around for something to fill that "empty space" with.

1 hour of meditation today. The Metta, the Equanimity, the I AMness and the sense of fluency is all back. I've been going through a really intense but short-lived dark night thing this weekend, and now it is just gone, as suddenly as it came.

2 hours of meditation today. Had a really good day where I've been efficient and balanced in everything I've done, and now it happens what often happens when I've had a day like that - I have too much energy to fall asleep.

Meditated for 1 hour today. Managed to get by on 3 hours of sleep last night. Noting, Metta, and Who am I? There's been little 3rd eye activity lately. Wondering if that has to do with my focus going more to Metta and Who am I? practice, and a little bit less on noting. I'll keep an open attitude about that.

1 hour of sitting both yesterday and today.

1 hour and 40 min of sitting today. More of total meditation time spent on noting aloud. That quickly builds up more concentration and energy. Seems like when my concentration is good I get a lot out of both Metta-pracitce, 2nd gear and 3rd gear, but often I don't realize when it is time to down-shift into noting aloud again, and then I seem to try to imitate earlier results I've had with what felt like powerful Metta, 2nd gear and 3rd gear practice without realizing I've lost steam.

2 hours of meditation today. Nothing new to report, but noting aloud certainly is what works for me. It gives my practice way more concentration and energy.

3 hours of meditation today. Getting more 3rd eye activity again.

1 hour and 45 min of meditation today. Feels like I'm getting even more into the groove with this noting aloud technique. First of all it provides me with a lot of safety since I'm confident I wont be lost in thought while I'm doing it. Now it seems like I'm also really starting to fine-tune it, so that the sound and vibration from my voice almost becomes like an added bonus to the meditation experience. If I speak really soft and kind but crisp and clear at the same time, the phenomena of my voice feeds into the meditation in a very positive way, like it adds energy. I can also see that the way I "touch" the objects of awareness with my notes/labels is also done with a much gentler touch.

Interestingly enough I'm having a parallel process going on at the art school I'm in, where I'm really starting to become much more relaxed and develop a much more gentle way of drawing my lines and staying with the object I'm observing. Much less stress, rigidity and anxiety about drawing from real life. I also think there are some similarities between meditation and drawing when it comes to narrative mode VS. experiential mode. When drawing from real life objects and models one really has to tune into experiential mode, and let go of a lot of the narrative story-telling. I see that I can use my increased vipassana abilities now to let go of a lot of the anxiety in my body, and stay more gently in the experiental mode while drawing.

Love this practice:)

50 min of meditation today.

1 hour of meditation today.

20 min of meditation yesterday, and 1 hour today. Felt some resistance towards it lately, but I was back in the groove after the first 20 min today.

Haven't written here in some time, but I'm still keeping up my practice. Don't now where I am on the maps. Seems like the strong jhanic concentration I reported in the beginning of this blog was some sort of equal to beginners luck when it came to starting up again. I have relaxed a little when it comes to the energy I put into the practice, but at the same time I find new ways to incorporate noting practice into my daily life, and I find that noting is a very pleasant thing to. Generally I'm in a much better state through-out the day. Feelings of "existential panic" are much less frequent. Don't know if this is the correct way to put it, but there is much less resistance towards "the emptiness of existance" that noting practice reveals, seems to be much less of a pull to churn out mind-stuff to entertain myself away from this emptiness, even though the mind-stuff is a constant stream always running, but there is much less resistance towards this stream as well. It doesn't stop no matter what I do, but that is fine, and noting practice continuously improve my relationship towards this stream of thoughts, emotions and experience. Also I still intend to always improve my practice, and not settle with this.

Been adding some more yoga to my daily practice. I've been getting ill a lot this last year. Flu like symptoms repeatedly. Been to the doctor, but the tests didn't reveal anything. Seems to come from emotional stress. I have so much life-experience to process it seems, that at times I loose all my mental and emotional space, and my system gets clogged up, and I become ill. When my practice is going well, I get that extra glow, and my health feels really good. Sometimes noting practice alone creates this, but other times it seems like I need to down-shit even more, and do more physical yoga as well. Fortunately I have a daily noting partner, and that helps with keeping the daily noting practice going. Also I'm still "in love" with noting practice, and especially noting aloud. Also I think it gives me more focus to the Dharma that I've had to pull back quite a bit from what was not so long ago an overactive socially involved life. So some adjustments, but overall I think I'm maturing into the right direction, and I think by keeping up my practice, and by keeping my involvements to a minimum, allowing for solitude and silence, I'll process this emotionall stress, and be back again with better focus and more clearity, choosing my involvements with wisdom.

It's strange, but I don't experience any of those "close to stream entry" phenomena that I reported at the beginning of this blog these days.

Seems like I'm more just questioning the whole notion of any agency trying to discipline itself to get anything done.

I'm maintaining a daily practice, and that certainly is the most important thing.

But it really makes me wonder about when the energy and focus is here, and when it is not, and which periods leads to which results, and this pattern repeating itself.

And should I ramp up even more effort or should I just maintain a daily practice and be present with that, and do I even have a choice to ramp up more effort? Or should I just question the whole agency behind that?

I seem to be comfortable just maintaining a daily practice, and there is much less existential panic than when I started, and also my daily life activities are more gathered and collected and I seek out less and less company with people who are not interested in this practice.

I keep an open mind about these questions, but I can't really say whether I have any choice but to &quot;rest in openness&quot;. Might seem like Advaita-illness to some <!-- s:-) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt="" title="Smile" /><!-- s:-) -->

Been back to noting aloud and more goal-oriented focus for two weeks now. I'm not meditating more than 30 min on average a day, but the benefits are obvious. Seems like I go back to &quot;Just Sitting&quot; both when my life is too stressful to do anything else, and also when I'm cruising in Equanimity. I think there are also periods where the whole notion of self is questioned so thoroughly that I get destabilized for a while, alternating between a huge spacious open awareness, and then also strong feelings of anxiety because it is so obvious that there is nothing to hold on to. Now my self feels integrated again, and I've been having a stable focus on noting aloud for the last two weeks.

Thitatto,

Glad to see you posting an update. I feel like I can relate to the &quot;nothing to hold onto&quot; these days myself. But also the oscillating back and forth.

Hey Dan! Good to hear from you <!-- s:) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt="" title="Smile" /><!-- s:) -->

I did a session with Kenneth one week ago. We made inquires into both &quot;going for it&quot; and &quot;not going for it&quot;, seeing them both as mental constructions that can be thrown into the hopper, as everything else. At the same time he recommended me to do at least one 45 min sit per day, so that will be my practice for a while; 45 min of noting aloud per day, preferably in the morning.

Still keeping up my 45 min a day of noting aloud. Had a new session with Kenneth last friday. Feels really good to have a routine again. I know it will at times become difficult to stick with something like this, but it is exactly what I need at this point, so I will make an effort to keep it up.