Russell's Journal IV

I locked my old journal, which was a repost from everything I could save from the old wetpaint site. I'll start a current one here. Not much to say at the moment, but if something comes up, I'll post it here.

Very little formal practice lately but I actually sat last night with my wife, only for 15 minutes though. It felt like I could have gone all night though (nice).

All I do is start by bringing awareness to the body, then just start letting everything go as it comes up. It first feels like I can only feel the outer boundaries of my body. Feels like a shell, hollow inside. Then the boundaries disappear. When anything at all comes up (thoughts, emotions, etc) I seem to be able to just drop them and things get more spacious in a way. Gonna try for it again tonight.

This post of Kenneth's resonates with me so much right now:

[url:1lhvxim1]http://kennethfolkdharma.com/2011/07/mahamudra-and-the-joy-of-failure/[/url:1lhvxim1]

No where to run to, no tricks to hide in. There is only right here, no matter what comes up.

I had some sort of shift into a deeper level of fear about 2 weeks ago, and while I was very embedded in it for about a week, it is loosening its grip. I am finding that there is a sense of wonder about it. Just watching the unpleasant physical sensations arise has been pretty fascinating. Almost zero 'reactivity' to them over the last few days. It just feels like this whole process for me is about fear. Deeper levels of existential fear I didn't even know I had keep arising and then, through noticing what is going on, they work themselves out, until another level comes rushing in.

So this recent thing that feels like a shift has still stuck around. A bit of confusion around it because emotions that were previously there are not felt in the same way as before. I may get angry, raise my voice, do typical physical signs an angry person does, but if I look back, there is no anger. There is a hunting or waiting for my typical anxious reactions to unpleasant physical sensations and they just don't happen. At least for now.

Hence to say, this is a big relief and I (I'm going to regret saying this) almost look forward to a next strong painful/fearful period because I feel that it is when I can really dig in a work with this stuff.

Very interesting to say the least.