Pejn III

[b:2426nvlo]May 18 2012[/b:2426nvlo]

Tuesday decided I was totally fed up with meditation and decided to quit for a while.
It held up for two days but then yesterday I did it again anyway. (Felt terrific all the day after.)
Let's see if I can abstain this weekend.

[b:rx69chqn]May 19 2012[/b:rx69chqn]

Totally failed...
Yesterday I listened to and followeed Hamilton podcast, Jhanic arc 1 nana to 13 pure abode, just for fun.
<!-- m --><a class="postlink" href=" thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2010/09/episode-2.html "> thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/ ... ode-2.html
Today I feel glorious (in an EQ way, not an A&amp;P-way). Dont know if is because of that practice.

[b:2uwev3lf]Jun 11 2012[/b:2uwev3lf]

Last week I held up a few days again, feeling it was all useless and tedious.
Then I, just for fun, had two great sessions (one up the jhanas and one choiceless awareness) with great afterglow.
Maybe it is just like physical exercise, some rest is needed between the workout days?

[b:43up1b8j]Jul 18 2012[/b:43up1b8j]
I've been told to post...

MOTIVATION
I have very little motivations for anything at all.
Not much longing for stuff either.
Irritated at a lot but it is easy to see it is only me, not the circumstances.

HABITS
Habits runs everything...
Lack of motivation makes it hard to break habits that is seen as stupid.

SPECULATIONS
Are almost gone.
All existential questions seems unimportant.
God(s), creators, after death, etc. that was so fascinating. What are you blabbing about? Who cares?

WHAT I WANT
Get rid of the remaining irritation.
Be helpful.
Stop looking.
Take care of the body.

PRACTISE
Sometimes this sometimes that...

CYCLES
Keep coming.

AWAKEDNESS &amp; INSIGTHS
None.

[b:370ik8a6]JYET reply Jul 30 2012[/b:370ik8a6]

Hang in there countryman. Like one of my favorite sages Robert Adams said &quot; Persistence is everything&quot; <!-- s:) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt="" title="Smile" /><!-- s:) -->

[b:tqm35b87]Jul 30 2012[/b:tqm35b87]

Thanks Erik!
After a few days of holiday from meditation I have done this:
<!-- m --><a class="postlink" href="">
Shinzen Young &quot;Do nothing&quot; <!-- s:-) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt="" title="Smile" /><!-- s:-) -->
Fascinating practice and delightfully effortless.

(Today Monday I do not know if I am in A&amp;P, or have post-fruition-glow or if I´ve had an overdose of espresso.)

[b:6bp91ns2]CLOUDSFLOATBY reply Jul 31 2012[/b:6bp91ns2] [img:6bp91ns2]http&#58;//1&#46;gravatar&#46;com/avatar/f3c17b541dfea58dcfbee6053e484622?s=90&amp;d=http%3A%2F%2F1&#46;gravatar&#46;com%2Favatar%2Fad516503a11cd5ca435acc9bb6523536%3Fs%3D90&amp;r=G&amp;wpuput=1[/img:6bp91ns2]

&quot;God(s), creators, after death, etc. that was so fascinating. What are you blabbing about? Who cares?
&quot;
I love it! :^)

&quot;(Today Monday I do not know if I am in A&amp;P, or have post-fruition-glow or if I´ve had an overdose of espresso.)
&quot;
:^D

[b:33j9x5rg]Sep 19 2012[/b:33j9x5rg]
Yep, still here...

This summer I got really fed up and quit practice for at least two weeks, maybe three. Saw no use.
Everything went fine for a while. Had work to do, no holiday this year.
But the undone-ness and unsatisfactory-ness became obvious. So I (it) just had to start again.
Not really suffering. But an confusion / irritation / curiosness / WTF-ness.
Nothing will ever satisfy, right?
Don't know how or for what result, but I can't let this be.

[b:30k1gwoe]JYET reply Sep 22 2012[/b:30k1gwoe]

No return. I doubt it's possible to quit permanently after you've taken up this practice it runs it self in a way and push you back in when you take a break , long or short, doesn't matter. At one point there is a trigger and your on the cushion again. Good luck! Looking forward to hear what unfolds for you.

[b:djbp84xl]Sep 26 2012[/b:djbp84xl]

@JYET: Yep, no return.

Practice nowadays:
40-60 mins in the evening.
Just following breath as a starter is annoying so instead:
Noting silently, then noticing, then (if things becomes still) Shinzen-style &quot;do nothing&quot;. Mix in anapanasati to deepen concentration when it seems fun.
If I start to get involved in stuff, I start over again with noting to cut loose.

In the end of the sessions it gets very arupa, with some PL moments if I get my head above the blurryness.

[b:1nfvch0g]Oct 5 2012[/b:1nfvch0g]

I have got homework to do…

1) Do the jhanic arc, up and down.
2) Practice 2:nd gear.


Starting Tuesday, the jhanic arc was very weak, I mostly floated around like an unfocused space-head.
The reason was obvious: I do not squat enough, so I went to the gym too lift...

Wednesday went better:
Up to PL-jhana, even if the states was not very deep.
Then instead of quitting I went downwards again.
Funnily enough it was easier to distinguish the states downwards this time. Normally it is the other way around.

Thursday I did two rounds up and down. Less &quot;forcing&quot; it and more letting it happen.
Slightly more defined states than Wednesday. Squatting helps! <!-- s;-) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt="" title="Wink" /><!-- s;-) -->
Also this time downward states was more distinct.

2:nd gear has become natural to do anyway so I just continue .

[b:yquq8bvz]JYET reply: Oct 5 2012[/b:yquq8bvz]

Who did you get your homework from? Sounds great by the way! No avoidance of the squat, a sign of a serious yogi <!-- s:) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt="" title="Smile" /><!-- s:) -->

@JYET: My homework is from Kenneth, in my first skype-session with him since last summer. /Pejn

[b:2sxevmtl]Oct 8 2012[/b:2sxevmtl]
Still doing homework. <!-- s:-) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt="" title="Smile" /><!-- s:-) -->

Saturday session was lousy so we forget that.

Sunday was more interesting.
Up and down the arc two times.
The second round the jhanas came more spontaneous and the shifts were faster and more forceful.
I also see a pattern now that the way down is more distinct than the way up. I cannot confirm yet.

Some interesting observations I want to explore more:

1) To get the first jhana It seems more reliable to focus on the panoramic field of vision. It is more restful and joy/bliss-inducing than watching the breath.

2) When watching that panoramic field of vision.
Then watching the also panoramic field of &quot;sense of the body&quot; (touch, pain, pressure etc..)
I appears to me that the are made of the same &quot;stuff&quot;. They are the same.
It is also like I could merge them into one single field. (Not totally)
Hearing still stick out as &quot;different&quot; than those, but it could be because I don't focus much on hearing during practice.

[b:1xzcwr16]Oct 10 2012[/b:1xzcwr16]

Another session with weak jhanas. (Monday was better.)
I was just sitting dreaming most of the time. (1h)
It did however end with a fruition. The first in maybe 2 weeks.

[b:1tmgkjyv]Oct 18 2012[/b:1tmgkjyv]

In one of the PL-jhana sessions I started to feel &quot;chakra-sensations&quot;.
They started by themselves in the root -chakra, and I could trigger/trace them up to third-eye where it intensified.
(I have never done any chakra-practice at all before)

I have also after that tried to watch the chakra points while meditating and that got me into a more PL-like state.
There seems to be some connection.

[b:1rggbgjy]Oct 18 2012[/b:1rggbgjy]

Third gear has never made sense to me.
Surrender? What? How?

After a session with Kenneth it seems like it is a matter of no-manipulation.
Like the &quot;just sitting&quot; or Shinzen's &quot;do-nothing&quot; that I practice sometimes.
Vipassana without choosing or directing or filtering.

But I suspect I still do not get the whole third gear picture.
Or I have understood it for a long time...

ROB_MTL reply: Oct 18 2012

After reading a post of yours, I started doing Shinzen's &quot;Do Nothing&quot;. I ran headlong into my mind's refusal to believe that there is nothing for it to &quot;do&quot; when presented with a completely open choice. My mind insists on picking a direction just for the sake of picking a direction. Every now and then, though, it forgets to. I think that's all 3rd Gear is- forgetting to choose. Somehow we do get better at it through some strange kind of learning, but I don't know how that's possible, since any whisper of an &quot;intention&quot; just shuts it down instantly.

[b:18ng895d]Oct 27 2012[/b:18ng895d]

A lousy week or two, felt bad in various ways. Can't even remember the details how practice went. Precedeed by a week or so with high energy, of course.
Yesterday 1 h sit in different high jhanas, then a fruition.
Today, feel terrific.

[b:2s8loe7t]Nov 1 2012[/b:2s8loe7t]

So now I'm in some kind of review phase again.
They go like this:

I sit down in the evening a bit tired and close my eyes.
(Normally, pre-A&amp;P, I shold fall asleep now...)
When I incline my attention in a certain way the vipassana machinery starts and don't stop until the fruition 20-30 mins later.
I don't do anything except allowing it.
Further practice that day seems meaningless.

[b:2ndc7am0]Nov 12 2012[/b:2ndc7am0]

Review became A&amp;P then dissolution then DN now maybe EQ...

Kenneth is not giving up his attempts to get me into Mahamudra Noting... <!-- s:-) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt="" title="Smile" /><!-- s:-) -->
So the last week I have used it as the primary on-the-cushion practice.
And it is very powerful.
The &quot;listening&quot; insted of feeling the breath brings up stuff in a different way and the state shifts are more forceful.
I will play with it some more.

[b:1h8lx95v]Dec 3 2012[/b:1h8lx95v]

Log is broken here so this is from memory.
Session with Kenneth today.
* Labeling anxiety levels 1-5 (I thought it was 1-10 during the session and said &quot;5&quot; <!-- s:mrgreen: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_mrgreen.gif" alt="" title="Mr. Green" /><!-- s:mrgreen: -->)
* Binary noting: Thinking-Not thinking.

[b:2r8iit6r]Dec 3 2012[/b:2r8iit6r]

Log is broken here so this is from memory.
Session with Kenneth today.
* Labeling anxiety levels 1-5 (I thought it was 1-10 during the session and said &quot;5&quot; <!-- s:mrgreen: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_mrgreen.gif" alt="" title="Mr. Green" /><!-- s:mrgreen: -->)
* Binary noting: Thinking-Not thinking.

Kenneth hinted in a subordinate clause that I got third already.
But I don't know...

Here begins the continued log
[b:1506smi9]I
I
I
I
I
V[/b:1506smi9]

So, late 2012 was dominated by confusion.
What has changed really?
What to do to go further and how to do it?
Also cycles of course. Not as dominating as before but still rolling along.

Gradually I have lost interest in meditation and even more speculations around it. I do not even have a regularly schedule. Some sits are &quot;good&quot; and some &quot;bad&quot; as usual. Compare this to the work up to SE where I sat 30 mins in the mornings and 1h in the evening and logged every day!

Now and then I can sit through a session just relaxing and observing things and get a refreshing fruition. But I do not even care to get into any jhanas anymore. There is not much difference sitting or not sitting. It is a bit like being a beginner again.
On the other hand everyday life seems like practice, If i concentrate or try to widen awareness there are only small shifts.

A number of times the last few months I have been very emotional, not like me at all.

In short:
I know I am far from &quot;done&quot;
I don't know how to be &quot;done&quot;.
I think it is important to be &quot;done&quot;.
I have no strong urge to be &quot;done&quot;.

Annoying no?

&quot;Pejn&quot;:1ln19k1c wrote: So, late 2012 was dominated by confusion.
What has changed really?
What to do to go further and how to do it?
Also cycles of course. Not as dominating as before but still rolling along.

Gradually I have lost interest in meditation and even more speculations around it. I do not even have a regularly schedule. Some sits are &quot;good&quot; and some &quot;bad&quot; as usual. Compare this to the work up to SE where I sat 30 mins in the mornings and 1h in the evening and logged every day!

Now and then I can sit through a session just relaxing and observing things and get a refreshing fruition. But I do not even care to get into any jhanas anymore. There is not much difference sitting or not sitting. It is a bit like being a beginner again.
On the other hand everyday life seems like practice, If i concentrate or try to widen awareness there are only small shifts.

A number of times the last few months I have been very emotional, not like me at all.

In short:
I know I am far from &quot;done&quot;
I don't know how to be &quot;done&quot;.
I think it is important to be &quot;done&quot;.
I have no strong urge to be &quot;done&quot;.

Annoying no?[/quote:1ln19k1c]

What a great post, Pejn. Thank you for sharing all this and for summing it up in this way. From here, what will happen? I hope you keep updating your journal, even when it's confusing. This is valuable for all of us who are trying to understand this process.