Bill H practice log

Seems to *really* help in resolving the tensions and allowing for more stable concentration on the cushion.. Staying with breath anchored on hara and broad to include whole body, adjusting the breath to make it pleasant... OK for a bit then wild tension arises in the head, I spot the self image behind it and 'this isn't true, this image is not who I am' - allows the tension to release - I used to note these things all the time but the tension wouldn't release. We will see if this is a one off or not.

not working as well as it did yesterday, which I expect - adding to the toolbox though.

One thing very odd is that the initial instructions that I am working on with my somatic guy are similar to actualism inspired practice, that is when I am 'activated' in the body with anxiety I am to look around in the environment for something the eye is interested in and look at it in a way that is like the eye 'feeling the object' - then when I feel like it I can go back to a calmer body (still agitated somewhat) and apparently sometimes I will experience the 'anxiety' with the same kind of purer, interested awareness- its entirely a different way to experience the sensation, the mind doesn't have space to react to it.

Been doing lots of metta (as samatha) - using TWIM technique. Interesting that the metta energy *wants* to clean out the head area. I can do LK from the chest but after a bit anxiety/instability will build up and the energy *must* do something up top - so I switch objects to all beings, all space, all directions and the energy will rise up through the neck into the head, where it feels different, like a happyness which is radiating outwards - allows my brain to slowly become more comfortable resting in that area which usually is very difficult. Then *sometimes* the energy will change to compassion and flow out the top - if I do this the anxiety energy which would come from doing breathing or metta from the chest only is 'used up' somehow. - In fact more than once I have had the energy get all the way up there and then on its own pull all the way back down into the chest, like it just needed to stretch its limits. Interesting stuff, and the sits are starting to get much more tranquil allowing the energy to rise and do what it wants to. It takes some shifting of the object though and there is much less 'self' when it is up in the head - I think this is the energetic equivalent of doing a Jhanic Arc.

Oh yeah - I learned the hard way that doing metta while in a dream is probably not a good idea.

apparently if I practice enough days in a row I will end up in territory where the *only* practice possible is some form of noting - I guess its up to me to decide if/when I do one or the other. Slowly whittling away at the beliefs I seem to have about being able to choose which direction things go in.

Been bouncinng around a bit, mostly samatha practice, not working very well on cushion, seems easiest off cushion, while doing a slower outloud noting seems to bring the most 'relief' on cushion, not sure why but its like something needs to work its way up and if I don't do some insight it just festers and builds up painfully for some reason. Nostril breath off cushion helps stabilize quickly and be more functional.

Somatic experiencing is a very interesting form of therapy. its all about allowing the trapped emotion-thoughts to surface and be experienced in a way that releases the energy somehow - its not easy for me to get a handle on so it will take some time. its difficult for certain tensions to relax.

Odd - yesterday out loud slow noting seemed like the right thing to do, and it felt like I got very content and relaxed this way, almost 'bored', very clear... Sat again last night and was essentially in panic mode the whole time, completely unworkable, unable to note anything at all in a useful way. This morning decided to work on it in chunks as it was still there, finding a spot in the neck that I could not feel easily and breathing into/out of that area the whole time felt very healing. That particular idea is something that my somatic therapist wants me to try, essentially finding a spot of unpleasantess and just trying to become OK with that little spot, relaxing it if possible, not going into the rest of it which seems to spin me up into a panic. It would be great to note this and gain dispassion to it somehow that way but that doesn't seem to work every day..