Laurel IV

"JLaurelC":3sc0ey08 wrote: Something else that is missing: phenomena are not empty; I still see everything from a reference point (me). I'm doing, at best, second-gear practice most of the time. Which is fine. I'm just answering Russell's question. [/quote:3sc0ey08]

I still think your expectations of what 4th path is are getting in the way. Remember when you got previous paths and you had a perspective change, but it really wasn't that different? Like something is different, but not at the same time. It is still like that.

I've also been reading Bhante G and this is not a good thing. He's all fetter-model, all the way, which is not what we're doing here.

My expectations have been shaped by my own experiences post-SE of non-dual awareness. What I tend to expect is that after awakening that perspective will be available to me whenever I opt in, in all its pristine emptiness. I base this expectation on things other awakened people have told me. I haven't had a recurrence of the experience since last August, although there is a lot less identification of phenomena with a self. Still, "I" am still suffering. But as Kenneth said, there's a Teflon effect to it.

Non-dual awareness is not limited to a state. It can be just a knowing, can it not? I think I told you this before, but do not expect these non-dual experiences/states as a constant mode of perception.

As to the 'self', it tries to roll around and make a new identity even after 4th. It is very powerful. The ego scream's "Hey, I am enlightened." But who is enlightened?

You will eventually have to keep watching for the ego to bubble up and re-identify with things. There will always be more adjusting and work to do, even after 4th.

"JLaurelC":ot2qgwlj wrote: Something else that is missing: phenomena are not empty; I still see everything from a reference point (me). I'm doing, at best, second-gear practice most of the time.[/quote:ot2qgwlj]

Notice the assumptions you seem to be making:

1) Phenomena need to be empty. [Is this true? What do you mean by that, anyway?]

2) There is a hierarchy to the three gears and you should be in third.

There isn't any particular experience that you should be having. The problem isn't that you are missing some particular experience, but rather that there is aversion to the experience you are having now. Of course. That's normal. Instead of focusing on the thoughts about what should be happening, focus on the aversion. Become the world's foremost authority on Laurel's aversion. Let's define aversion as any sense whatsoever that you'd like this situation to be other than it is. (Technically, this is probably more accurately labeled [i:ot2qgwlj]tanha[/i:ot2qgwlj] than aversion. That's fine: the buddha said that tanha is the cause of suffering, so we may as well get right to the heart of it.) Is there some recognizable pattern of sensations that correlate strongly with your aversion? If so, what happens when you pay attention to it? Just stay with your aversion for awhile, noting it over and over again. Assign a value to the aversion, zero through five, where zero is no aversion and five is as aversive as you can imagine being in this moment. It would sound something like this:

aversion 3
aversion 4
aversion 2
aversion 2
aversion 5
aversion 1
aversion 0
aversion 2

Just sit there and notice aversion over and over again. When you see it clearly, it tends to subside on its own. It's the simile of the hot coal; as soon as you notice that you are holding a hot coal, you drop it automatically.

The problem you are having is not that you are having the wrong experience. It's that extra layer, the aversion to this moment's experience that is causing you to suffer. Watch the aversion the way you would watch a lizard on the wall (paraphrasing Krishnamurti).

Thanks, Kenneth! One of these fine days I am really going to get this figured out!!! <!-- s:roll: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_rolleyes.gif" alt="" title="Rolling Eyes" /><!-- s:roll: --> I still say to myself, oh rats, I'm feeling anxiety, at this stage of things I should not be experiencing this rotten anxiety, what a failure--then I catch myself at it and say, Laurel, stop being so silly. I even started a thread over on DhO earlier today asking about the relation between practice and anxiety (haven't gotten any responses yet). It's a worthwhile question, just for information's sake, I think. But the aversion to the anxiety is profound.

I really do experience aversion as burning, tension, and choking in my gut rising into my chest, when there's anxiety involved. When there's an unwelcome task involved there's a tightness in the jaw and neck (grading papers, for example, or preparing a class when I'm not sure how thorough I really have to be). I can even get at the underlying cognition that takes a task and turns it into an experience of aversion: it's &quot;this will never be good enough, I am so overwhelmed by the belief that it is a monumental task beyond my capability that I have an aversion to getting started with it.&quot; So instead of noting aversion I note a desire for my brain to experience something pleasant (a cookie, an interesting website, or best of all, an interaction, such as this one here on the forum). The brain's rewards system begs for a little jolt of juice. But then it begs for yet another in a never-ending spiral. Then the desire or craving gets mixed up with the aversion.

I'm working lately with the concept of renunciation. I know that peace comes when we see through certain mind-trips, and then renunciation becomes a form of freedom. Renouncing gossip has been liberating. I find myself noticing times and occasions when others do it, when I might be drawn into doing it, and I don't want to do it any more. It doesn't even appeal to me. And that has been huge. If I get wind that others gossip about me, I feel compassion because I know what it's like to do that and how unproductive of real happiness it is. This is all well and good. I am seeing this lack of personalizing as a true benefit of all the practice, on and off the cushion.

I think the same thing can happen with other stuff. Right Action: I used to flirt with men. I can say, oh well, I'm too old for that now, but it isn't age, it's realizing that flirting is not the kind of relationship I want with people, where we exchange strokes to the ego and create a little dynamic of intimacy based on this fiction that each is somehow special to the other. Or cultivating hero-worship in students. I can see students getting that look of worship in their eyes and I also know that other students think I am a big bore, and it's all about them, none of it about me. (Actually, if I want to be taken down to size all I need to do is try to talk to my 12-year-old son. Note I said try to talk to him. Actually having an interaction with him tends to go nowhere fast! <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt="" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: --> )

All of this has happened naturally, without a lot of effort on my part. The part that doesn't yield is the part that wants pleasure, ease, lack of stress, and a sense that I am good enough, safe, and in control. So I will note aversion. I know we practiced it together; I have to get into a habit of it. Thanks, Kenneth.

Good Laurel! Keep looking at when you are trying to want the situation to be anything other than it is.

Kenneth, that summary of practicing with aversion is so well said I've cut and paste it to my file of handy reference materials. Thanks for making it so clear.

&quot;Ona&quot;:otceysk4 wrote: Kenneth, that summary of practicing with aversion is so well said I've cut and paste it to my file of handy reference materials. Thanks for making it so clear.[/quote:otceysk4]

<!-- s:D --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_biggrin.gif" alt="" title="Very Happy" /><!-- s:D -->

I've had a lot of opportunity to work with aversion over the past couple of days. Two nights ago I was up for almost the entire night with insomnia. This isn't a case of thinking I didn't sleep but actually sleeping quite a bit; I really absolutely could not sleep except for 5 minutes here and 20 minutes there. I coped by watching almost all of the second season of Mad Men on Netflix, which I realize is contrary to most recommendations, but it distracted me nicely. When I tried just lying quietly and focusing on the breath, pinpricks of pain and tension kept springing up all over the body, driving me crazy. I could not endure it for long, hence the Netflix.

At about 2:30 or 3:00 I started to protest to the universe. What possible lessons am I supposed to be getting out of this frustrating situation? And how on earth am I supposed to surrender to it, to tell myself that I am content with things exactly as they are? I ran over in my mind the many interventions I've used to try to fix this problem, all to no avail. At around 4:30, I came to the conclusion that it's time to give up. I'm not going to say I was content, but I could envision not struggling any longer. Yesterday was difficult but I got through it.

Sitting has been uncomfortable lately, and with mind-fog and fatigue I have not been tempted to do much with it. Not sure what is going on. There seems to be a mysterious congruence of causes and conditions underlying all of this--the pain and the fatigue--that are inaccessible to my thinking brain. Which suggests I give up trying to figure it out.

EDIT: I fully admit that saying, aversion 4, aversion 5, aversion, aversion, aversion over and over soon got old; I preferred watching Mad Men. But sometimes, when confronted with a really miserable situation, it's better not to dig into the painful sensations too much. Let the brain go somewhere else for awhile until it's able to settle down.

&quot;JLaurelC&quot;:3sx5tznc wrote: Which suggests I give up trying to figure it out.[/quote:3sx5tznc]

Nice one there. What is there for [b:3sx5tznc]&quot;YOU&quot;[/b:3sx5tznc] to figure out anyways?

Something that Adyashanti said once rings true. Something like...'Awakening wakes up to itself.' (probably misquoted)

Well, I've been going through a hard time, so I'd like to figure out what the hell is wrong and how I can make it better. Are my chakras unbalanced? Is my qi too weak, or blocked? Do I have narcissistic personality disorder? Is my amygdala overactive? Am I in the dark night again? Am I aging badly? What narrative framework is pertinent? Or maybe I'm just sick of all explanatory paradigms. In which case I give up. After all, who or what am I, that I should be making a huge drama out of experience? Should I go on medication? Pursue a special diet? Check into some kind of treatment program?

This is all rather rhetorical, as the answer at the moment is none of the above. More to the point, the answer is to continue to work at my profession, eat regular meals, do what exercise I can fit in, be kind to people, be kind to myself, meditate in some mixture of jhana, vipassana, or metta, and carry on. Everything is fine, really. So I'll describe today's sits:

This morning, I focused on the breath and was repeatedly annoyed by intermittent coughing and lots of intrusive thoughts. Began imagining that I haven't got a clue how to meditate. This went on for about 45 minutes. Then I went upstairs and had breakfast.

This afternoon, I just sat and watched sensations. Began with a lot of energy swirling through my system, pinpricks of pain or tickling here and there, ear ringing, random thoughts, and a lot of strobing in the visual field. Then things got dreamlike, head drooped here and there, thoughts came and went, then settled into fine vibrations verging on prickly, then intensified, background noise, lots of tingling in the crown, sense of building intensity, noise increasing. Timer went off after 45 minutes, I sat an extra 5 or so, and then went up to dinner.

Feeling much better now.

Things are getting better; I'm getting some perspective. I looked at The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook last night and re-read the section on phobias. Apparently desensitization takes from 6 months to 2 years, working 3 to 5 times a week, and there are always setbacks. I keep saying I've done everything I can, but I haven't done that. I've done desensitization for much shorter periods and gotten discouraged with the setbacks. I've also expected my meditation practice to make the phobias go away automatically. Most important, though, I have blown up the feeling of anxiety so much in my mind that I have convinced myself that I can't stand it. I have then railed against the universe for saddling me with these awful feelings, and felt overwhelmed and put upon.

Yesterday a student advisee told me that he has cancer. He's 19. He cried. I guess the point is that railing against the universe, especially for someone my age, is silly. This poor kid has his work cut out for him, getting through the ordeal of surgery and treatment, not knowing the outcome, not being able to control it. It is so hard, so hard, to comprehend when life is relatively good (no disastrous diagnoses, poverty, job loss, or death/illness of a loved one) that one's frustrations with one's boss or one's sleep patterns or whatever are simply par for the course. If life doesn't always please me, I can get in line.

With that in mind, I did some jhana practice this morning. It went reasonably well, except strangely enough I felt unusually chilled throughout, even though the room was the usual temperature and I was wrapped in a blanket. I have a bit of confusion in my mind about what constitutes jhana, but I set it aside. I began by focusing on the breath, then focusing on a pleasant sensation in the heart center, then allowing piti energy to rise, then settling in with the witness.

A &quot;view&quot; that has been immensely helpful to me when working with aversion and other unpleasantness -- I have some affiliation with a sangha rooted in Chogyam Trungpa's tibetan/western psychology teachings, and in said sangha it's encouraged to view these eruptions of perceived negative energy as sentient beings who only want acceptance. When I'm really hitting the shit, I'm not just viewing the manifestations of these things with equanimity -- I'm doing my best to provide them with a loving home, so to speak. Then, they tend to go away of their own accord. (I have no idea whether or not they are sentient beings, actually -- I don't think it matters). Another technique I've found immensely helpful is to hold these feelings within the vajrayana view of transmutation -- in the vajrayana schools, such eruptions are thought to be great fuel for the journey towards enlightenment.

Daniel Ingram's &quot;analogy of shooting aliens&quot; in MCTB resonates here:

&quot;Where the Analogy of Shootin’ Aliens breaks down is that all these aliens want is attention and acceptance. They come to us so that we will greet them clearly and openly, but if we fail to do this they can get very troublesome. Their little alien hearts are being broken when we don’t get to know them as they are, so who can blame them when they get mischievous and try to trick us into paying more attention to them by causing trouble. Sure, it’s a bit childish of them, but we don’t always get to meet mature and well-adjusted aliens.

Thus, rather than killing our aliens by shooting them, we give them what they want by noticing or noting them. We don’t invite the pretty ones to stay with us forever, nor do we ignore the boring aliens. We don’t kick the ugly ones from our door either. Like a politician on the campaign trail, we extend a hand to all, say, “Hello!” and then quickly do this for lots of others. When we meet them, greet them, get to know, accept and even love them, they go away happy. &quot;

Keep on truckin'!

Thanks so much for that. I just reread everything for the past couple of weeks, and can't help feeling a little relieved that that particular ordeal seems to be resolving itself. I had gotten some acupuncture the week before and asked to be treated for fatigue; what I got was extra energy that ended up keeping me up all night! So I had another session and am now sleeping better. These things apparently require fine tuning.

Talked to Kenneth the other day, and he said during a depression it's probably not a good idea to be watching Mad Men. So I've quit. The story lines had begun to take over my brain for awhile, and they are not particularly wholesome, to say the least. I've been on spring break for the week and have been gradually de-cluttering the house. It's amazing what a difference it makes not to see messes everywhere I look!

I've also been practicing Aversion 1-5, Thought Loops 1-5, and Rumination 1-5 to break up old patterns, as well as dwelling in the Witness. Plus I've been sitting, doing mild noting / choiceless awareness. I generally watch thoughts come and go and then settle into a deep concentration state with fine vibrations that build up and then subside.

There's a thread over on DhO that Florian started on &quot;Twelfth Path&quot; <!-- m --><a class="postlink" href=" www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discu...ards/message/3627189 "> www.dharmaoverground.org/web/gue ... ge/3627189 and I'm finding it relevant. What's difficult right now is being able to accept impartially whatever sensations arise, especially when there is lots of pain, fatigue, and a feeling of listless boredom. I have trouble weaning myself from a mindset that demands I account for my time in some useful way every minute of the day, or else feel that I've failed or been "bad." Perhaps this is what I need to learn at this point.

I've been noticing patterns of aversion lately; yesterday I spent a lot of time avoiding things I didn't want to do and it left me with a feeling of tightness.

This morning I sat for a little over 45 minutes. The mind chattered for quite some time, had a few minutes of very mild shaking, then shifted into chattering some more (I was doing a kind of open awareness punctuated by a note or two), then shifted into vibrations and what I guess must have been formations. For awhile it felt as if there was a masculine presence right beside &quot;me&quot; but also melded with me, issuing recommendations (mansplaining? <!-- s;) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt="" title="Wink" /><!-- s;) --> ) and then drifted in and out awhile before disappearing. There was a sad younger female presence and I held it in compassion. There was throughout an unpleasant feeling between the heart center and the gut; I tried holding it in compassion. Other random stuff came and went. After awhile the whole thing became tedious, then it settled again and I sat a few minutes with it after the chime went off, deeply relaxed.

Late afternoon sit was somewhat similar although there was less chatter, more settling during the initial breath counting (I've been doing 3x10). I felt as if there was a hazy group of dharma buddies drifting in and out of my consciousness as I sat, kind of commenting or participating. Then the mild vibratory sensation started, and I had a bit of pressure in the back of the head that came and went. Sat for about 5 extra minutes after the timer went off.

I seem to be returning to the practice that bought me to stream entry. It feels comforting.

Been waiting for &quot;something&quot; to happen lately, until during yesterday's sit I asked myself, &quot;What is it in your present experience that is missing/unsatisfactory? What are you trying or looking to make other than it is?&quot; And that snapped me out of it. So I'm doing this as much of the time as possible. Also noting Thought Loops and Rumination.

Been having a lot of cycling off cushion lately, with dark night alternating with equanimity. I'm still dealing with waiting and wanting something to happen. My sits are for the most part very deeply concentrated. Sometimes it takes awhile to get there. Practicing open awareness. I'll experience a period of either mental chatter or torpor, which will resolve into a feeling of being submerged, almost like being swaddled in a big, soft blanket. It feels like a submarine descending deeper and deeper by stages. Maybe I should try for really long sits, like over an hour. Will experiment with that.

&quot;JLaurelC&quot;:1yfiro5x wrote: I'm still dealing with waiting and wanting something to happen. [/quote:1yfiro5x]

What does this feel like? Impatience? Frustration? Desire for something to be different than it is? Remember, it's all aversion to the present.

However, it is a much better approach than 'trying and trying to make something happen' <!-- s:) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt="" title="Smile" /><!-- s:) -->

It takes the form of looking to the future, as in &quot;Don't worry, this will all be better someday&quot; instead of focusing on whatever is happening right now. There is some frustration with me, but not with the path. There is the feeling that Mara is messing with me sometimes. A narrative will pop up: something like, I never expected to lose my health so early, or, I am unable to be of much use to my family. And I start crying. And I know it's just a narrative. And I think, after I'm done, this won't happen any more. But the crying stops as soon as it arises.

I definitely feel the sense that the old palliatives are not the answer any more. There is no hobby I can take up, no socializing I can undertake, or whatever. There are things I can do in the slf-care or morality area that are essential, but they don't take away that gnawing sense that what I once thought would bring happiness cannot. And I am totally fine with that realization. It's as if I'm saying, of course they won't. But then what I find myself doing is just waiting.

Had an interesting 50 minute sit this morning. On the whole, I felt like a submarine descending deeper and deeper with the breath. As I went along I felt a relaxation that penetrated into my bones. But there was some interesting imagery as well; I seemed to attract a number of companions along on this journey. One was a little demon that looked like a fiery bird's nest that kept haranguing me; I finally said, &quot;you're just a bird's next!&quot; and it floated away and attached itself to a tree somewhere (fire was gone). The others I don't remember quite so well; maybe there was a body builder in there that gave me advice (power meditation!). The time seemed to pass very quickly, or to hang in suspension. I could have sat like that for a lot longer.

Today's sit was amazing; it closely resembled the sit that led to stream entry over a year ago. I watched myself ascend through the dukkhas--dissolution, fear, misery, disgust (nausea and face twisted in a grimace), then reobservation. When equanimity came, it was like I had passed into a deep level of peace. Then gradually I felt a sense of fullness or pressure, pleasant but with mounting intensity, fill my neck and head, over and over. It was a form of bliss, I think, waves and waves of it, until there finally was the tiniest blip and then it settled, and I felt tingling bliss begin from my legs to move upward and engulf my entire body. After that the chime sounded.

I think I've completed one of my &quot;twelve paths&quot; perhaps. <!-- s:) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt="" title="Smile" /><!-- s:) -->

Only twelve? <!-- s:mrgreen: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_mrgreen.gif" alt="" title="Mr. Green" /><!-- s:mrgreen: -->