At a Crossroads

Lately I’ve been feeling that I’ve come to a crossroads on the path. For quite some time now, in a very Hinayana-Heroic sort of way, I’ve been practicing primarily for my own liberation. I don’t have any regrets about starting out this way. Coming from strong Christian roots, I went through a difficult and painful dismantling of the idea that Jesus could save me, if only I could just believe that he exists and that he died and rose again. I emerged out of that situation with the conviction that I could not be totally passive about my spiritual development. I had to take responsibility for it. So, that’s what I’ve been doing.

But now, I seem to have come to a fork in the road. This time it’s not a matter of action or inaction, responsibility or dependence. Rather, it’s about motivation and intent. Just who I am practicing for? Who is the intended benefactor of all of this effort? For a long time now, the answer has been “me”. And again, I don’t think it has been a bad thing, per se. I think I needed this point of view to kick start my participation on the path. But now there is a pull to make a change in my motivations for practicing. I’m at a threshold, you see. My intuition tells me that it’s time to let go of all ideas of attainment, goals, and personal liberation. I have a choice at this point to commit to leaving both all forms of spiritual materialism (titles, attainments, veneration) and spiritual bypassing (detachment, liberation, personal freedom), and therefore discover something more. Only this time, this “something more” cannot be just for “me”. If I am to pass through this threshold to the path that lies ahead, I must commit giving away to others whatever treasure lies within. I cannot posses what lies ahead. The very thought of keeping it is sure to push me back outside. Whatever I find of value must be shared freely for the benefit anyone and everyone. Without this firm conviction, I can’t even pass through gate.

As frightening as it is to leave behind all goals of attainment for the sake of benefitting others, what choice to I have at this point? I’ve come this far. I’ve travelled all this way, and acquired all of this knowledge and skill. If I turn back now, without anything to offer the world, then what was the point of setting out on this journey? The only choice I have is sort of a non-choice. Either way I have to give up something. Can I give up whatever gifts lie ahead for the sake of my ego? Can I give up my fearful, small sense of self in order to be of benefit to all beings?

The choice seems like a no brainer, but it doesn’t feel like one. The transformation involved is sure to be excruciating. But I don’t know anyone who has gone through it and not been sure that it was 100% worth it. So here I go… but I’ll admit, it feels pretty scary.

I'd say "good luck" but maybe "break a leg" would be more appropriate?

If I may offer some perhaps overly simple observations: it seems to me that all our ideas about heroism, difficulty, attainments, rewards, ego, motivations, intent, and even compassion or generosity serve the valuable-- but limited-- function of kicking us past our fear/reluctance to change, to wander into the unknown. They're our 'special blanky' for grownups.

Once in motion, things begin to clarify themselves: 'not-self' can be seen not as some sort of high philosophical ideal, but as the obvious, experienced truth that self-and-other are as inseparable as the inside and outside of a glove. You 'get over' yourself; it stops seeming that it is even possible to stop the ripples that begin with you from encompassing 'everyone and everything, everywhere' as my Lama expresses bodhichitta. And there is no confusion about this being an attainment; you know, big deal-- I've understood what has been right under my nose! And one is no more graciously 'sending the benefit' of this self-arising practice, than an infectiously giggling child is sending the benefit of her delight. It can't be contained! Nothing to do to give up the misunderstanding that has -- poof-- just GONE. All the signs and experiences along this road to nowhere-else become devoid of interest in the light of the radiant simplicity of any moment in which we find ourselves.

Thanks, Kate. That's not overly simple at all.

I guess that's what I'm getting at, though -- that I'm at yet another juncture where the old kick-in-the-pants (heroism) has lost its usefulness. Now a new kick-in-the-pants is happening, in order to push me through yet another veil of fears pertaining to that 'unknown' we talk about.


"And one is no more graciously 'sending the benefit' of this self-arising practice, than an infectiously giggling child is sending the benefit of her delight."

I'm happy to know that this is what I'm in for

-Jackson

In the spirit of consciously forgetting notions of "attainment", I just found this at Ken McLeod's website...

"Presence is the one aim of all practice instructions. Forget about measuring your achievement and rely on the single question: Can I experience what is arising right now?"

( http://www.unfetteredmind.org/mindtraining/19.php )

There it is :-]

P.S. Also, this:

"Hope for results takes you out of the present. Do what needs to be done now because it needs to be done now, not for the result it might bring."

( http://www.unfetteredmind.org/mindtraining/28.php )

P.S.S. Oh man, and this! ...

"The poison is the tendency to form an identity around any activity or training. Let go of any sense of being special because you practice mind training."

( http://www.unfetteredmind.org/mindtraining/29.php )

I'm loving this website.

Awesome stuff! --- if you're into podcasts, check out his Ganges Mahamudra series. Really great teachings, and very much coming from this place. I found his presentation of the material really refreshing and open

Cool, I'll check it out. Thanks, Jake.

Do you have any idea how generous you already are?

Jackson, you're in a good place. It's quite clear that you know exactly what you need to do. In writing about it, you were both asking us for feedback and telling us how you were going to proceed. We're with you. And, speaking for myself and I am sure many others, we admire you.

Best,

Mike "Gozen"

Thank you, Mike. You clearly summarized where I'm coming from. I appreciate your support, and I hope you know that I admire you (all of you) just the same.

Jackson